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That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships Kindle Edition

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The bestselling linguistics professor examines how we communicate with each other and how you can maintain an effective conversation.
At home, on the job, in a personal relationship, it's often not what you say but how you say it that counts.
Deborah Tannen revolutionized our thinking about relationships between women and men in her #1 bestseller 
You Just Don't Understand. In That's Not What I Meant!, the internationally renowned sociolinguist and expert on communication demonstrates how our conversational signals—voice level, pitch and intonation, rhythm and timing, even the simple turns of phrase we choose—are powerful factors in the success or failure of any relationship. Regional speech characteristics, ethnic and class backgrounds, age, and individual personality all contribute to diverse conversational styles that can lead to frustration and misplaced blame if ignored—but provide tools to improve relationships if they are understood.
At once eye-opening, astute, and vastly entertaining, Tannen's classic work on interpersonal communication will help you to hear what isn't said and to recognize how your personal conversational style meshes or clashes with others. It will give you a new understanding of communication that will enable you to make the adjustments that can save a conversation . . . or a relationship.
"Tannen combines a novelist's ear for the way people speak with a rare power of original analysis. . . . Fascinating." —Oliver Sacks
"We are, all of us, foreigners to each other: editor and writer, man and woman, Californian and New Yorker, friend and friend. Dr. Tannen shows us how different we are, and how to speak the same language." —Jack Rosenthal, Pulitzer Prize winner and editor, The New York Times
"Tannen has a marvelous ear for the way real people express themselves and a scientist's command of the inner structures of speech and human relationships." —Los Angeles Times

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Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

Tannen, whose field is cross-cultural linguistics, focuses on conversational style rather than psychological content, and explains why good intentions are not enough. We begin all conversations with some expectation of how they will progress. If our expectations differ, unexpected responses seem irrational, and we may accuse each other of being deliberately obstructive. She emphasizes that there are no right or wrong ways to converse, only ways which work or don't work. By recognizing differences in style, and learning to work with them rather than against them, we can avoid misunderstanding. Tannen's writing is lively, she states her case clearly, and provides a fresh look at a subject which concerns us all. Recommended for popular collections. Margaret B. Allen, formerly with Bennington Free Lib., Vt.
Copyright 1986 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From the Publisher


Actually, this title caught my eye because it sounds like something I might say. Sometimes I
will make a totally outrageous comment in such a matter-of-fact way that people are completely
taken aback; other times my tone will convey a harshness I absolutely didn't intend, which can
lead to hurt feelings and frustration all around. And though at times I can shrug it off and say
that the world simply isn't ready for my sense of humor, I also had been increasingly aware of
the need to refine my communication style. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! has definitely helped me
begin to assess how I can better do that. It has shown me how I use unclear language to protect
myself and offers simple, straightforward alternatives so that I can get my point across more
effectively. It's also very enlightening in its explanations of why I find myself reacting
negatively to the subtleties of others' speech. A fascinating, invaluable tool.

Laurie Kahn, Associate Managing Editor

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Deborah Tannen
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Deborah Tannen is the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years including eight months as #1, and has been translated into 31 languages. Her books You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation and You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives were also New York Times bestsellers. Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work was a New York Times business best seller; I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs and Kids When You're All Adults won the Books for a Better Life Award; and The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words received the Common Ground Book Award. Her most recent book is Finding My Father: His Century-Long Journey from World War I Warsaw and My Quest to Follow. She has written for and been featured in newspapers and magazines such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, USA Today, Time, and Newsweek. She appears frequently on TV and radio, including such shows as The Colbert Report, 20/20, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, and NPR's Morning Edition and All Things Considered. She is University Professor and Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University, and has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University. She lives with her husband in the Washington, D.C., area.

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