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That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships Paperback – July 5, 2011
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From the Inside Flap
Pultizer Prize winner and editor
THE NEW YORK TIMES
Deborah Tannen, who revolutionaized our thinking about relationships between women and men in her bestsller YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, shows that conversational confusion between the sexes is only part of the picture. In THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!, Dr. Tannen shows that growing up in different parts of the country, having different ethnic and class backgrounds, even age and indvidual personality, all contribute to different conversational styles. Entertaining and informative, this is an essential complement to psychological theories of human behavior. No one who has read Deborah Tannen's fascinating look at women and men will want to miss a word of it!
From the Back Cover
At home, on the job, in a personal relationship, it's often not what you say but how you say it that counts.
Deborah Tannen revolutionized our thinking about relationships between women and men in her #1 bestseller You Just Don't Understand. In That's Not What I Meant!, the internationally renowned sociolinguist and expert on communication demonstrates how our conversational signals—voice level, pitch and intonation, rhythm and timing, even the simple turns of phrase we choose—are powerful factors in the success or failure of any relationship. Regional speech characteristics, ethnic and class backgrounds, age, and individual personality all contribute to diverse conversational styles that can lead to frustration and misplaced blame if ignored—but provide tools to improve relationships if they are understood.
At once eye-opening, astute, and vastly entertaining, Tannen's classic work on interpersonal communication will help you to hear what isn't said and to recognize how your personal conversational style meshes or clashes with others. It will give you a new understanding of communication that will enable you to make the adjustments that can save a conversation . . . or a relationship.
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Top Customer Reviews
Tannen helps us understand how we don't just pay attention to the words spoken: in fact, we pay less attention to the message than what she calls the "metamessage": the implied and inferred meanings that each utterance evokes. Language is a lot more complex than we think, and by understanding that, we'll be much better able to understand each other - and understand why we sometimes seem to "click" so well with someone we've only just met, or why conversations sometimes feel awkward or go very badly awry (and how to avoid or at least mitigate such failures). For example, with the (now-cliche'd) question "Does this dress make me look fat?Read more ›
That said, I feel like Tannen bases her theories a little too firmly on anecdotal evidence, whether those experiences be hers or her friends'/students'. In addition, her theories can be too high-level and loose. Finally, I think she could have done a better job at explaining her notions of positive and negative face, as well as how those can play out in social situations.
group I had a book for them to read. At least one took it to heart and read the book and maybe one other skimmed the book but now the meet-
ings are respectful and thoughtful most of the time. Until one learns about framing what they are saying ... confusion, hurt and angered feelings will be apart of the conversation. If you have trouble being understood, please read Deborah Tannen's book. You will never have to say, "That's Not What I Meant!"
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Was expecting sth like her famous "You just don't understand", but this fell short.Published 3 months ago by elona balili
Great book that is a must read for everyone who wants to be able to communicate more clearly, to understand and be understood by friends, coworkers, employers and marriage... Read morePublished 3 months ago by Lisa Malmo
Interesting. I enjoyed the author's conversational style (considering her topic, THAT should be good!)--makes the most of entertaining narrative to convey academic material.Published 4 months ago by Winsome
Tannen's books can make you re-think your whole life and communication style whilst wanting you to pursue a linguistics degree. Fascinating reads!Published 5 months ago by Amazon Customer