The Dave Test: A Raw Look at Real Faith in Hard Times Paperback – October 15, 2013

"The Dave Test" is one of the few books that I've read recently that has touched me very deeply. And if you or someone you love is struggling with living on "life's ragged edges" as the author, Dr. Schmidt describes, this is a book I'd highly recommend you or the person in the midst of the struggle, read.

As others have noted, "The Dave Test" is a book of ten tests -- principles really -- that the author Dr. Schmidt learned during the eight year agonizing journey to death through cancer experienced by Dr. Schmidt's brother, Dave. Fred and Dave were not only blood relatives but the closest of friends and because of that closeness, Dave and Fred enjoyed a sort of candor that is missing in so many relationships.

That mix of love and candor formed the petri dish from which these ten life lessons emerged. Others have listed all ten but I want to focus on two that really resonated with me.

Nearly 25 years ago I entered a series of experiences that took me to the bleeding edge of life's ragged edge. I was deeply involved in my church and as I entered what turned into an 11 year hellish experience, I found myself on the receiving end of a series of what Dr. Schmidt calls "stained glass" theology and language. It seemed that every one of these well meaning but clueless people could explain my extraordinarily complex and painful situation with a few Bible verses and yet another recitation of God's providence and grace.

About half-way through that 11 year experience, I followed Dave's example and simply left the church. I didn't toss away my life long love affair with my Creator nor did I bring to an end my spiritual journey. But I did jettison a community that prattled on about things they didn't understand nor had the love and compassion to try and understand.

Dr. Schmidt describes in both painful and eloquent terms this phenomenon of "stained glass language" and "stained glass theology." It is found when people string together a series of lofty or lyrical phrases and Bible verses and present them as some sort of Rosetta Stone to help explain the agony we are experiencing. Rather than helping us unlock the key to our pain and suffering, this language and practice only adds to it. Dr. Schmidt advises that the most helpful thing we can do when we find someone in that place of suffering is to acknowledge their pain and express remorse over the fact that they are hurting so deeply. Period. There is no need (and in many cases no way) that we can or should try to explain the "why's" of someone's suffering. As Dr. Schmidt advises, we should simply sit in the ashes of their tragedy and weep with them. And that is the most profound act of grace that we can offer.

About a week ago I received a call from a gentleman, I'll call him "Ben," who used to be a senior executive in a business we both worked in. We hadn't spoken in nearly twenty years. As Ben and I reconnected, he mentioned in passing that his wife of nearly sixty years, "Betty," had died about eighteen months ago. And every time Ben mentioned Betty, he broke down and sobbed.

Now Ben is nearly 80 years old and is no stranger to a deep faith. But the pain and suffering of his loss runs very deep. And it should. To lose one's closest friend and companion of sixty years is devastating.

Ben told me, in an attempt to put the best light on his sorrow, that he had recently spoken to a pastor who told him that in spite of Betty's death, Ben's best years were ahead of him and that God would use him in ways never possible had Betty been alive.

After Ben retold that story of another "stained glass theological speech," I listened patiently as he again broke down and sobbed. I recalled Dr. Schmidt's advice, waited for my old friend to gain control again and said the following: "Ben, I know how deeply you loved Betty. She was and is a wonderful person. I can hear how much her death has hurt you and for that I am very sorry. I am here for you whenever you want to talk about Betty or just cry."

And with that I ended my comments. No promises. No theology. No lyrical language or Bible verses. And no "buck it up, bud!"

Ben's response was this: "Thank you so much, Mark, for saying that. You don't know how much that means."

Actually, I do. Those were the words that I had so longed to hear when I was neck deep in my painful experience.

All of this leads to the second test or lesson that Dr. Schmidt describes. And though it is the subject of his first chapter, I'll make it the topic of my closing remarks. The first chapter in "The Dave Test" is titled "Can I Say `Life Sucks'?" This chapter title is reminiscent of the opening sentence in the now classic book by Scott Peck, "The Road Less Traveled", where he penned those obvious and now immortal words, "Life is difficult."

No kidding.

And not only difficult, to Dr. Schmidt's point, it sometimes sucks. The problem though isn't just that sometimes life sucks, it's that we can't always know why life sucks. And that tortures many of us who long to be able to explain with certainty the narrative of our life. We assert that all things happen for a reason and some, employing "stained glass language," often attempt to explain the unexplainable.

The painful reality is that sometimes, particularly in these moments of living on life's ragged edge, we are left without an answer as to why. And I believe the fear of not being able to answer the "why" question is what is behind so much of the stained glass language and theology. Absent any credible explanation, we fill in the emptiness with phrases and ideas that themselves are actually quite empty. And when we do that to someone who is in that place of pain, we only "double down" on the hurt.

So, for me, I choose to follow Dr. Schmidt's advice and acknowledge that sometimes life sucks and that it can't always be immediately or maybe even eventually explained. However, what I can do is sit with those who hurt, acknowledge their pain, listen to their cries for answers, and reply with my compassionate presence. And with my compassionate presence, that hurting soul will know deeply and personally that they do not face their perils and dangers alone. This is what my Creator does for me. It is the least I can do for my fellow travelers on this road called "life."

I don't know if I've passed "The Dave Test" but I've learned a great deal from it. I can't recommend it too highly.

Here is a book that addresses care for others on the 'ragged edges' of life. Using a brother with a terminal condition as a case study, the author brings his insight and sensitivity to the reader. Offering hope through a faith-based life, the reader is brought into a place where true empathy and care can occur. We are using this book for an adult study and I would highly recommend it to anyone who works with people or knows people who are suffering terribly - that's all of us at some time in our lives. We often wonder what to say in those situations and just as often feel stupid after an interaction. This book will help with the words, the companionship, and the honesty that express true caring and hope for the suffering.

The author's understanding of suffering and how it affects all people who are going through rough times amazed me. I didn't know someone who is suffering from unemployment has the same emotional miseries and someone going through the loss of a loved one. While reading the book I started to realize I've been a crummy friend to my friends who have/are going through rough times. I never understood the many ways a suffering person would be affected. Example: I have a good friend who is know 50. About four years ago he threw out his back (job related) and has since lead a severely limited life. Until I read this book I didn't know how deeply my friend would be suffering. Such as 1. he used to be a distance runner, now he can't run; 2. he used to interact with people through work, now he's isolated from these people; 3. he used to derive some joy from working, now he can't work; 4. he used to look to the future with promise, now he'll always have major back issues. The author does a fantastic job disclosing how these feeling are universal with sufferers. Needless to say I'm much more sympathetic with the people I meet who are themselves suffering.

I'd also like to point out the author never dwells on a subject for long. He's short, sweet, and to the point. I loved this about the book.

I guess I am getting to the age that many of my friends are going through "stuff". I bought this book thinking I would read & review it then recommend it to a friend, but found that it was more appropriate in helping me to help him. Having passed through a traumatic loss myself, I found that I related to a lot of the observations recorded here. Even though I never use the word, and I don't like the word, the author's statement that "Life sucks" has a ring of truth and summarizes in a nutshell how you feel when you are in the midst of suffering. I chose not to recommend this book to my suffering friend, but instead, I used it to help me learn how to be more effective and compassionate dealing with him. I do recommend this to anyone who wants to be a real friend and wants to effectively minister to someone who really needs a friend.

This book will challenge you to be incredibly honest in how you view life, death and friendship. Our society has pressured us to be dishonest with ourselves and those we profess to love, in a tragic way, that robs us of a basic understanding of the gift of life and the gift of mortality.
Do you have the courage to accept your humanity and honestly share it with loved ones caught up in a major life crisis? Read this book to learn how to be a real human being.