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Alain de Botton

How to Think More About Sex (The School of Life) Paperback – December 24, 2012

by Alain de Botton (Author)

381 ratings

3.5 on Goodreads

4,862 ratings

Part of: School of Life (10 books)

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THE SCHOOL OF LIFE IS DEDICATED TO EXPLORING LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS IN HIGHLY-PORTABLE PAPERBACKS, FEATURING FRENCH FLAPS AND DECKLE EDGES, THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES CALLS "DAMNABLY CUTE." WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, BUT WE WILL DIRECT YOU TOWARDS A VARIETY OF USEFUL IDEAS THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO STIMULATE, PROVOKE, AND CONSOLE.

We don't think too much about sex; we're merely thinking about it in the wrong way.
So asserts Alain de Botton in How to Think More About Sex, a rigorous and supremely honest book designed to help us navigate the intimate and exciting---yet often confusing and difficult---experience that is sex. Few of us tend to feel we're entirely normal when it comes to sex, and what we're supposed to be feeling rarely matches up with the reality. This book argues that twenty-first-century sex is ultimately fated to be a balancing act between love and desire, and adventure and commitment. Covering topics that include lust, fetishism, adultery, and pornography, Alain de Botton frankly articulates the dilemmas of modern sexuality, offering insights and consolation to help us think more deeply and wisely about the sex we are, or aren't, having.

Part of series

School of Life
Print length

192 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Picador
Publication date

December 24, 2012
Dimensions

4.56 x 0.54 x 7.21 inches
ISBN-10

9781250030658
ISBN-13

978-1250030658
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Editorial Reviews

From Booklist

Rod Stewart probably wasn’t thinking about evolutionary biology when he asked the musical question, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?,”nor is the average denizen of the local singles bar; yet the roles of physical and mental attributes are paramount considerations when choosing a sexual partner. Physical makeup, however, is just one element in an overall package of desirability that versatile observer and writer De Botton (The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work, 2009) trenchantly analyzes in an effort to reconcile society’s overwhelming preoccupation with sex and an individual’s equally obsessive quest to attain, and maintain, meaningful physical relationships. From adultery to fetishes, pornography to impotence, De Botton examines the pleasures and pitfalls of contemporary sexual experiences, including marital boredom, dating in cyberspace, and the nature of romance. Thinking about sex is easy; having a satisfying sexual relationship may be more difficult. By encouraging readers to understand their desires and manifestations of sexuality in new and more reflective ways, de Botton’s addition to the School of Life series offers a tantalizing discourse on this endlessly fascinating, and eternally misunderstood, subject. --Carol Haggas

Review

“Many books of pop psychology or pop philosophy try to contend straightforwardly with what ails our age; Alain de Botton's wonderful How to Think More About Sex comes to mind, an example of an intelligent person helpfully untying some knots that bind us.” ―Sheila Heti, The New York Times Book Review

“How to Think More About Sex is a meditation on how comprehensively disruptive our urges can be...an honest book that's on the prowl for honest insight....Self-Help Books for the Rest of Us.” ―The New York Times

“It's like Cosmo meets Plato--finally!” ―Salon

“Even if our sexual partners don't excite us, this writer's piquant prose will.” ―More

“De Botton's concept breathes ambition far beyond the chicken-soup-of-the-month formula.” ―The News & Observer

“De Botton is never prescriptive, and the intellectual rigor of his investigation prevents this book from settling into a self-help reference guide.” ―Publishers Weekly

“By encouraging readers to understand their desires and manifestations of sexuality in new and more reflective ways, de Botton's addition to the School of Life series offers a tantalizing discourse on this endlessly fascinating, and eternally misunderstood, subject.” ―Booklist

“[de Botton] offers a collection of essays that, taken as a whole, serve to pull sexuality into a philosophical consideration of our drives and desires, to illuminate how we can make sense of the urges that drive us senseless....A well-rounded examination of the ways we can marry intelligent thought and physical pleasure.” ―Kirkus Reviews

“In an age of moral and practical confusions, the self-help book is crying out to be redesigned and rehabilitated. The School of Life announces a rebirth with a series that examines the great issues of life, including money, sanity, work, technology, and the desire to alter the world for the better.” ―Alain de Botton, The School of Life Series Editor

“The School of Life offers radical ways to help us raid the treasure trove of human knowledge.” ―The Independent on Sunday (London)

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 125003065X
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Picador; Reprint edition (December 24, 2012)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 192 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781250030658
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1250030658
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 4.8 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 4.56 x 0.54 x 7.21 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,179,342 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #1,568 in Psychology & Counseling Books on Sexuality
- #2,487 in Popular Social Psychology & Interactions
- #3,468 in Sex & Sexuality

Customer Reviews:
381 ratings

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Alain de Botton

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Alain de Botton is the author of Essays in Love (1993), The Romantic Movement (1994), Kiss and Tell (1995), How Proust can Change your Life (1997), The Consolations of Philosophy (2000) The Art of Travel (2002), Status Anxiety (2004) and most recently, The Architecture of Happiness (2006).

Customer reviews

5 star		52%
4 star		23%
3 star		15%
2 star		5%
1 star		6%

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Top reviews from the United States

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Oiroa Kaihau

Definitely Worth a Read

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on January 22, 2013

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I came across this book by change having seen some interesting reviews in media sites. The reviews themselves appealed to my sense of curiosity and some of his comments quoted also resonated with me so I purchased the book hoping to find a new and different perspective. I was not disappointed and I found myself reflecting on my own experiences and better understanding my own sexuality. Any philosophical book that challenges conventional thinking or offers and alternative perspective, whether right or wrong, I find to be worthwhile.
It certainly expanded my own thinking and knowledge on the subject and I enjoyed Alain de Botton critique. It has motivated me to perhaps consider reading more offerings from the same author. I am sure again that I will not be disappointed and I would recommend it to friends and colleagues

One person found this helpful

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David R. Anderson

Your Place? Or Mine?

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on February 2, 2013

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The School of Life, the author's London-based institution of popular learning, "is dedicated to exploring life's big questions." No question about this title, it takes on the biggest one of all. And we get it wrong virtually from the age of puberty on, not because we think too much about it, but because we're "thinking about it the wrong way." So De Botton has his work cut out for him. Five stars. The man makes good on his claim not only to address the question, but to provide answers that readers will find helpful.

He divides the subject into two parts: "The Pleasures of Sex" and "The Problems of Sex". In fact, problems pop up in the pleasures section too. E.g. "One of the difficulties of sex is that it doesn't - in the grander scheme of things - last terribly long." He goes on to point out the consequences. Afterward "One partner or both may have an impulse to fall asleep, read the newspaper or to run away." The problem, he points out, "is typically not the sex itself so much as the contrast" with "the more mundane aspects of the rest of our lives, the external tedium, restraint, difficulty and coldness."

What happens when he wants sex and she wants love is one of the issues he deals with in the problems section. The resulting standoff is likely to leave both him and her unhappy. How do we get to a better outcome? "First, by recognizing that neither need has the moral advantage: Wanting love more than sex, or even instead of it, isn't 'better' or 'worse' than the reverse. Both needs have their place in our human repertoire of feelings and desires. Second, as a society, we have to make sure that these two needs can be freely claimed, without fear of blame or moral condemnation."

His treatment of lack of desire may be the most helpful section of the book, although his discussion of adultery and of pornography have a great deal to offer as well. "The paucity of sex within established relatuonships typically has to do with the difficulty of shifting registers between the everyday and exotic." So what to do? "The solution to long-term sexual stagnation is to learn to see our lover as if we had never laid eyes on him or her before." Change the scenery, he suggests, check into a hotel for a night. "There is no limit to what a shared dip in an alien bath tub may help us achieve."

That gives you a sense of how he tackles the issues sex raises. He writes in straight forward manner, often with a light touch, and always with something useful to say.

End note. My attention was drawn to "How to Think More About Sex" by the description of it in a recent New York Times book review as a "wonderful" example of the recent raft of books of pop psychology and pop philosophy. De Botton's School of Life and its books ranging from "Essays in Love" to "Religion for Atheists" bring to mind the enterprise established by E. Haleman-Julis and his wife Marcel in 1919. Their Little Blue Books dealing with socialism, atheism, and the frank treatment of sexuality among its other offerings (nearly 2000 all told) sold over 100,00,000 million copies in the 1920s. They may not have invented the genre, but they certainly popularized it.

6 people found this helpful

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Kindle Customer

Someone get Mr. de Botton some good porn!

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on December 26, 2012

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[Let me preface this review by saying I've been reading Alain de Botton for more than a decade and have typically enjoyed his work. When I saw this new release, I was so excited that I preordered it on Kindle months ago and was surprised when it arrived the morning of Christmas Eve]

I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed with the views presented in "How To Think More About Sex". Initially, de Botton presents some stark and sobering realities of sex within long-term relationships and offers up several dilemmas that he intends to explore. However, his idea of exploration is more like flip-flopping on specific issues (e.g. Adultery). First we get the cons, then the pros and then... he just settles somewhere in the middle. Even his Conclusion section feels limp, ending on a "sex is what it is" sort of note.

While this approach technically makes good on the title's promise, it doesn't seem to realize the full potential of the topic of sex, instead remaining rather timidly within the conventions of everyday life and stereotypical relationships. Where are the daring challenges to accepted conventions, the bold analysis of how society's relationship with sex changes as society (and to some extent humanity) also change?

We see just how constricted de Botton's thinking is when he talks about pornography. He states that only those "whose logical selves have never been obliterated by the full force of sex" can remain 'modern' on the subject of porn, going on to promote censorship of such materials as "necessary both for mental health of our species and for the adequate functioning of a decently ordered and loving society". According to de Botton:

"Pornography asks that we leave behind our ethics, our aesthetic aense and our intelligence when we contemplate it, in order that we give ourselves over wholly to the most mindless sort of lust. The plots are daft, the lines of dialogue absurd, the actors exploited, the interiors ugly and the photographs voyeuristic."

My lord.

de Botton's remarks are technophobic and, along with the entire 'Pornography' chapter, read like the heavy-handed generalizations of someone who has little breadth of experience of the subject at hand. Pornography can be found in a multitude of media, with vastly differing degrees of absurdity, aesthetics and intelligence. The fact that de Botton failed to discover more holistically engaging forms of porn is no excuse for his backwards views.

Furthermore, de Botton seems to be unable to conceive of a world where regular pornography viewing might benefit an individual, single or otherwise. Sure, there are those who may abuse pornography and may lead a "lesser" life (quotes for subjectivity on de Botton's part), but who is he to suggest censorship? And once we adopt his--or anyone else's--subjective morality, where we do we stop?

3.5 out 5 stars, with serious points off for de Botton pushing his own morality without even a cursory attempt to explore how society might embrace change rather than run away from it

57 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

JP Leonardo

Great book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on September 30, 2021

Verified Purchase

I really enjoyed this one. Took a lot in, I do recommend this one a read. Due to understanding more of the in and outs of relationship, how sex is effective also how our brain works. Give it a read for sure.

Christopher Edmonds-Hunt

Mind blowing

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on November 5, 2021

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I rarely write reviews but I though this book was genuinely worth it. It’s a small easy to read book that totally worths a go. It makes you think about sex from a different perspective, more from a psychological side rather than the physiological. And the stories are quite engaging.

Do highly recommend

Mr R C Swan

Brilliant book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on February 23, 2019

Verified Purchase

Made me laugh, and also very poignant. I loved this. I have just bought all of AdB’s work, and I shall continue to read it. Insightful, honest and enjoyable.

2 people found this helpful

MK

On occasion witty, but self indulgent and slight in terms of insight.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on January 20, 2022

Verified Purchase

Much ado about nothing, despite the provocative title. Witty and urbane, as always but slight in terms of insight.

Best S.

not really that interesting

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on August 1, 2017

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