ThinkGeek Easy-Open Canned Unicorn Meat: Excellent Source of Sparkles, Magic in Every Bite, 5.5 Ounce - Stuffed Plush Toy
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- 5.5-OUNCE UNICORN MEAT - Item is a 5.5-ounce delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience
- EXCELLENT SOURCE OF SPARKLES - Unicorns sprinkle sparkles everywhere, you are assured that this unicorn meat is an excellent source of sparkles.
- MAGIC IN EVERY BITE - Feel the magic in every bite of this unicorn meat. There are crunchy horn bits in every bite. The meat is also easily spreadable for sandwiches and more.
- EASY-OPEN - The bottom of the can is easily-removable to let you gain access to the unicorn meat. No can opener needed.
- STUFFED TOY - All jokes aside, inside the can is a cut-up unicorn stuffed plush toy. Add this to your collection of geeky toys.
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No foolin’ - unicorn meat is real! Excellent source of sparkles! Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat. Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the Sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you're lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He'll know what to do.
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Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).
Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, "farmed" unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.
I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger.
The bottom is removable and inside is a dismembered unicorn.
Sometimes I'm at work in a meeting and I start to giggle thinking about the dismembered unicorn in my pantry
It would be interesting if the little bits came with velcro so people could idle away their time with the unicorn putting it back together. It seems everybody there (about 90 people) tried to reassemble the little critter.