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Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair 3rd ed. Edition

4.2 out of 5 stars 103 customer reviews
ISBN-13: 978-0802471352
ISBN-10: 0802471358
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Editorial Reviews


It is biblical. It is well researched. It is hopeful. It is practical. Dave Carder not only knows the subject, he lives in integrity as a man who walks his talk. His life, his teaching, his character, and his competency assure the reader that this book will change lives. - Dr. John Townsend, Author

Fragile feelings. Fragmented relationships. Fractured marriages. Such knotty struggles provide the spawning grounds for moral and marital infidelity. Torn Asunder walks the reader into these seldom-mentioned scenes, offering insightful explanations as to why affairs occur, what recovery is possible, and what steps need to be taken to rebuild trust and intimacy. The prcess is neither pleasant nor easy, but it is realistic, and with God's help it can work. I especially appreciate the author's firm confidence that shattered marriages can be healed. - Chuck Swindoll, Pastor, Author, Radio Bible Teacher

As a therapist, I'm constantly confronted with the ravages and tragedies of affairs. In Torn Asunder, Dave Carder has tackled this crucially relevant topic head-on. Not only does he help the reader understand the under-lying dynamcs that make one vulnerable to an affair, but he also assists couples in the process of rebuilding their relationship after an affair has occurred. This book is a must for any married couple, not only to assist them in dealing with freinds who have been involved in affairs but also as a preventative tool for affair-proofing their own marriage. - Janet M. Congo, M.Ed.; M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist, Author

About the Author

DAVE CARDER serves as Pastor of Counseling Ministries at First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, CA. His specialty is Adultery Recovery and Prevention for which he has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Network, Discovery Health, and The Learning Channel, has done training for the US Army and Navy, plus multiple tapings for The Tony Robbins Passion Project, Marriage Uncensored, 100 Huntley Street, Salvation Army Leadership Training, and the American Association of Christian Counselors. His interviews and articles have appeared in Ladies Home Journal, USA Today, The Counseling Connection, and various other magazines and journals. He is the author or co-author of Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, and Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom from a Hurtful Past. He holds the Michigan Limited License for Psychology and the California Marital and Family Therapy license, and has graduate degrees in Biblical Literature and Counseling Psychology. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have been married 49 years, have four adult children, and eight grandchildren.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 320 pages
  • Publisher: Moody Publishers; 3rd ed. edition (October 1, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0802471358
  • ISBN-13: 978-0802471352
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.5 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (103 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #34,658 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
To say that the affair is a result of problems in the marriage further victimises the devastated spouse.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Just two flawed individuals who do love eachother and who are trying their best. I too did not have my needs met, I also was situationally depressed and felt neglected (reasons given by him and less-than-helpful IC) BUT I didn't respond to come-ons and I didn't betray. Same marriage, same dynamics, different individual, innit. I would like to have worked on those problems being in control of my life, with confidence and with hope. But one needs to be willing face problems, to acknowledge them and thereby change them, not turn outward to Justafriend.

Affairs don't 'just happen', they are A DELIBERATE CHOICE TO DECEIVE and betray. They are a CHOICE to go outside and turn to a third person. It is part of the [hidden rage] decision to deliberately deceive your spouse, that adds to the fun and excitement of the fantasy (Peggy Vaughan). This needs addressing. As they say, 'if you are unhappy in your marriage, exactly how does [ ] a slut help anything? Exactly how do you think that is going to turn out for you? Affairs are a disaster: not some of the time, ALL of the time. If you think you are different, then you are deluded and need professional help'.

I think infidels really need to be required to look at their conflict avoidance, their passive aggression, and other less than mature human qualities that led them to make the self-indulgent damaging choices they did. That 97% of these beautiful, beautiful liaisons fizzle out, and the fact that a lot of marriages survive the affair, says that it is less about the marriage, and more about the maladaptive coping mechanisms of the one who runs. If imperfect marriages are the cause, then ALL marriages should have infidelity, and they don't.

There is NO excuse for deceit and betrayal. None.
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Having read several of the reviews by individuals, I thought several of their comments were dead on. I could see how someone reading this book and not being the infidel could have the perspective they could have. I believe as the one being the infidel that you must be truly understanding your sin. The holy spirit will be working in you over time. You can't eat, you can't sleep. The holy spirit starts working in you immediately. It is the most life transforming event I have ever experienced. I do not wish this upon anyone, on either side of the equation, the deceived or the infidel. The infidel must own his or her sin completely. Their CHOICE is not in any way chosen by the deceived. The ideal of bringing up how the deceived contributed to the state is realistic one. It by no means excuses the sin of the infidel. The idea behind this is to help the future move toward reconciliation. To not go through this process would imply that the deceived is perfect and they could not have done anything to have helped the condition of the relationship before the affair. The problem for the infidel was a lack of communication before choosing the affair. We are underestimating the power of Satan and the greatest deceiver of them all into entering the world of fantasy which is an affair. Couples must understand that Satan is constantly trying to work to tear the marriage apart. The idea of the author identifying the part the deceived played in the affair is to help reconciliation and so that it will never happen again. If someone denies intimacy, respect and support to their spouse and their spouse never commits adultery, society would identify this latter behavior as wrong. We are called to submit to our spouses. These contribute to the state of the marriage, but not to the choice of adultery.Read more ›
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By tln0324 on March 12, 2011
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I have two complaints about this book. First, there is an anti-woman undercurrent that set my teeth on edge from the get go. If you read the "case studies" carefully, women are almost always shown having hysterical, violent, over-the-top reactions, whether they are the betrayer or the betrayed. In one case, the betrayed wife immediately calls her husband's boss and waits for him to arrive with his wife before she will even speak to her cheating husband. Who does that??? She then proceeds to call the other woman's husband and rant over the phone that she wants both of them dead. Seriously? Even the letter from the "other woman" at the beginning is a joke. She was herself married, and the breakthrough to the recovery of her own marriage following her affair came when she broke down, hysterically begging her husband to help her overcome her weakness. In the one case given (that I managed to get to before I gave up entirely on the book) in which the husband was the injured spouse, he "opened his heart" to his cheating wife in a blissful moment of forgiveness. I wanted to throw the book into a corner.

My second complaint is that the injured spouse is expected to accept responsibility for the infidelity. Carder gives the betrayer lots of thinly-veiled sympathy. The unstated message I got from the book: the poor, cheating spouse was forced to into the affair by the negligent, inattentive spouse (nearly always the wife in his examples). Recovery can't happen until the faithful spouse realizes the error of their ways. It was insulting. The injured spouse should examine his or her actions WITHIN THE MARRIAGE that gave context to the development of the affair, but the cheating spouse must be held accountable for his or her decision to cheat.

If you are the betrayed spouse or a woman with an ounce of self-respect, pick a different book! My suggestion: NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
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