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Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class Paperback – February 4, 2025

by Rob Henderson (Author)

4.7 1,222 ratings

Editors' pick Best Nonfiction

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In this “affecting…intriguing…heartbreaking” (Booklist) coming-of-age memoir, Rob Henderson vividly recounts growing up in foster care, enlisting in the US Air Force, attending elite universities, and pioneering the concept of “luxury beliefs”—ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class while inflicting costs on the less fortunate.

Rob Henderson was born to a drug-addicted mother and a father he never met, ultimately shuttling between ten different foster homes in California. When he was adopted into a loving family, he hoped that life would finally be stable and safe. But divorce, tragedy, poverty, and violence marked his adolescent and teen years, propelling Henderson to join the military upon completing high school.

A “vivid, insightful, poignant, and powerful” (Nicholas A. Christakis, author of Blueprint) portrait of shattered families, desperation, and determination, Troubled recounts Henderson’s expectation-defying young life and juxtaposes his story with those of his friends who wound up incarcerated or killed.

As he navigates the peaks and valleys of social class, Henderson finds that he remains on the outside looking in. His greatest achievements—a military career, an undergraduate education from Yale, a PhD from Cambridge—feel like hollow measures of success. He argues that stability at home is more important than external accomplishments, and he illustrates the ways the most privileged among us benefit from a set of social standards that actively harm the most vulnerable.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“A memoir of hardscrabble living, from foster care to the Air Force to Yale…. [Henderson] traces the contours of his remarkable and often-harrowing life, starting with his abandonment by his birth parents after serious mistreatment…. poignantly describ[ing] his rocky journey through numerous foster homes…. Shrewd on the narrowness and hypocrisy of elites… [he] is at his best in the frank observations about his trip up the ‘American status ladder’…. A blunt story about overcoming adversity.” —Kirkus Reviews

“In his superbly composed memoir, Rob Henderson illuminates an often overlooked segment of our nation. His profound saga — of his struggles as a foster kid attempting to pursue conventional badges of success and coming to realize the importance of family despite never having one — deserves careful attention.”
—Christy Carlson Romano, actress, co-founder of PodCo

“Troubled is an extraordinary document. It is a primary account of historical descriptions of life in working and lower middle class America in the late 20th-century. It is time to sit up and listen to the voices of those who have suffered because of the policies of the highly educated and affluent class that validates and affirms the behaviors and attitudes of marginalized children that they would never accept for themselves or their own children. Rob Henderson's story is breathtaking but all too familiar in this county. He reminds us that the child raised with experiences of abandonment and chaos will experience the same in their relationships and employment.”
—Dr. Drew Pinsky, author of The Mirror Effect

“Rob Henderson had an incredibly challenging upbringing—raised as a foster kid in circumstances most children (thankfully) never know. His educational achievements are extraordinary. What’s more extraordinary is that he’s a keen observer of both the world he came from and the world he now inhabits. He has learned the importance of family despite never having one of his own, and he delivers that message in a gripping way. Read this book. It will challenge both your heart and mind. A rare feat.”
—J.D. Vance, author of Hillbilly Elegy

“Troubled is vivid, insightful, poignant, and powerful. Beautifully written, it is a moving memoir, a powerful description of the predicament of countless foster children, and a sophisticated social critique. Using his own astonishing life as a guide, Rob Henderson sheds light on the plight of foster children and the ways that elites and policy makers often adopt ideas that do not, actually, advance the interests of those who are most vulnerable in our society. Troubled is magnificent.”
—Nicholas A. Christakis, author of Blueprint, and Sterling Professor of Social and Natural Science at Yale University

“A captivating memoir about the travails of foster care, the discipline of military service, the importance of family, and the shock of discovering what has become of elite universities, told with a clear voice and focused determination.”
—Jordan B. Peterson, author of 12 Rules for Life

“This memoir is a profound account of a foster child overcoming severe adversity and achieving the unthinkable. Rob's story reminds us of the resilience of the human spirit against all odds and, most of all, what it means to be human. You will likely cry, feel shocked, yet remain hopeful while reading this heart wrenching book.”
—Yeonmi Park, author of While Time Remains

“Troubled resonated with me because, as a product of a single mother raised in public housing, I see so much of my story in Rob's insightful book. Stories like this must be told, not because they show what we are capable of—though that's important—but so we can see the problems in our system and develop better solutions to make a better society. As you see the world through Rob's eyes, you won't be able to pull your eyes off the page. But I'm warning you; you may shed a few tears.”
—Ed Latimore, author of Hard Lessons From the Hurt Business

“Rob Henderson's story is one of struggle, resilience, and accomplishment. Spare, searching, and provocative, Troubled chronicles an epic journey from an unstable childhood through foster care, the military, Yale, Cambridge, and now the preeminence needed to prick complacent consciences everywhere. This is a powerful, moving, and necessary book.”
—John Lewis Gaddis, Pulitzer Prize-winning author, George F. Kennan: An American Life; Robert A. Lovett Professor of Military and Naval History at Yale University

“Troubled is impossible to put down. Rob’s raw and intense account of his childhood reveals that there are two Americas: one that rewards you for perpetuating 'luxury beliefs' and one that pays the price. Rob is a master storyteller, and his memoir acts as a mirror in which we can all see our own imperfect reflections. One of the best memoirs I’ve ever read.”
—Polina Pompliano, author of Hidden Genius and founder of The Profile

Review

“A memoir of hardscrabble living, from foster care to the Air Force to Yale…. [Henderson] traces the contours of his remarkable and often-harrowing life, starting with his abandonment by his birth parents after serious mistreatment…. poignantly describ[ing] his rocky journey through numerous foster homes…. Shrewd on the narrowness and hypocrisy of elites… [he] is at his best in the frank observations about his trip up the ‘American status ladder’…. A blunt story about overcoming adversity.” —Kirkus Reviews

“In his superbly composed memoir, Rob Henderson illuminates an often overlooked segment of our nation. His profound saga — of his struggles as a foster kid attempting to pursue conventional badges of success and coming to realize the importance of family despite never having one — deserves careful attention.”
—Christy Carlson Romano, actress, co-founder of PodCo

“Troubled is an extraordinary document. It is a primary account of historical descriptions of life in working and lower middle class America in the late 20th-century. It is time to sit up and listen to the voices of those who have suffered because of the policies of the highly educated and affluent class that validates and affirms the behaviors and attitudes of marginalized children that they would never accept for themselves or their own children. Rob Henderson's story is breathtaking but all too familiar in this county. He reminds us that the child raised with experiences of abandonment and chaos will experience the same in their relationships and employment.”
—Dr. Drew Pinsky, author of The Mirror Effect

“Rob Henderson had an incredibly challenging upbringing—raised as a foster kid in circumstances most children (thankfully) never know. His educational achievements are extraordinary. What’s more extraordinary is that he’s a keen observer of both the world he came from and the world he now inhabits. He has learned the importance of family despite never having one of his own, and he delivers that message in a gripping way. Read this book. It will challenge both your heart and mind. A rare feat.”
—J.D. Vance, author of Hillbilly Elegy

“Troubled is vivid, insightful, poignant, and powerful. Beautifully written, it is a moving memoir, a powerful description of the predicament of countless foster children, and a sophisticated social critique. Using his own astonishing life as a guide, Rob Henderson sheds light on the plight of foster children and the ways that elites and policy makers often adopt ideas that do not, actually, advance the interests of those who are most vulnerable in our society. Troubled is magnificent.”
—Nicholas A. Christakis, author of Blueprint, and Sterling Professor of Social and Natural Science at Yale University

“A captivating memoir about the travails of foster care, the discipline of military service, the importance of family, and the shock of discovering what has become of elite universities, told with a clear voice and focused determination.”
—Jordan B. Peterson, author of 12 Rules for Life

“This memoir is a profound account of a foster child overcoming severe adversity and achieving the unthinkable. Rob's story reminds us of the resilience of the human spirit against all odds and, most of all, what it means to be human. You will likely cry, feel shocked, yet remain hopeful while reading this heart wrenching book.”
—Yeonmi Park, author of While Time Remains

“Troubled resonated with me because, as a product of a single mother raised in public housing, I see so much of my story in Rob's insightful book. Stories like this must be told, not because they show what we are capable of—though that's important—but so we can see the problems in our system and develop better solutions to make a better society. As you see the world through Rob's eyes, you won't be able to pull your eyes off the page. But I'm warning you; you may shed a few tears.”
—Ed Latimore, author of Hard Lessons From the Hurt Business

“Rob Henderson's story is one of struggle, resilience, and accomplishment. Spare, searching, and provocative, Troubled chronicles an epic journey from an unstable childhood through foster care, the military, Yale, Cambridge, and now the preeminence needed to prick complacent consciences everywhere. This is a powerful, moving, and necessary book.”
—John Lewis Gaddis, Pulitzer Prize-winning author, George F. Kennan: An American Life; Robert A. Lovett Professor of Military and Naval History at Yale University

“Troubled is impossible to put down. Rob’s raw and intense account of his childhood reveals that there are two Americas: one that rewards you for perpetuating 'luxury beliefs' and one that pays the price. Rob is a master storyteller, and his memoir acts as a mirror in which we can all see our own imperfect reflections. One of the best memoirs I’ve ever read.”
—Polina Pompliano, author of Hidden Genius and founder of The Profile

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Gallery Books (February 4, 2025)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 336 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1982168544
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1982168544
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 9.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.31 x 0.7 x 8.25 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #65,660 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #11 in Income Inequality
- #75 in Sociology of Class
- #2,130 in Memoirs (Books)

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4.7 1,222 ratings

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Rob Henderson

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Rob Henderson is the author of Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class. Once described as “self-made” by the New York Times, he grew up in foster homes in California, served in the US Air Force, and received a BS from Yale and a PhD in psychology from the University of Cambridge, where he studied as a Gates Cambridge scholar. In addition to his popular Substack newsletter, Rob’s writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Boston Globe, among other outlets.

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Customers find the memoir compelling and fascinating. They appreciate the insightful, thought-provoking, and inspiring writing style. The book teaches valuable lessons about family and children. Readers describe the story as heartbreaking, moving, and emotional. Overall, they find the book illuminating and charming, providing a glimpse into the author's early childhood experiences.

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Readability Insight Writing style Family bonding Heartbreaking story Illuminating Authenticity

82 customers mention "Readability"82 positive0 negative

Customers find the memoir compelling and well-written. They describe it as an essential read that helps understand modern Western culture. The story is described as captivating, raw, and fascinating. Readers praise the author's skill as a narrative writer.

"...The message is a simple one: provide genuine care and loving challenges to people when it matters, which includes ensuring that children are raised..." Read more

"I liked the way the book is structured. It's mostly memoir, but it also has chapters putting the writer's life story into a broader societal context...." Read more

"...Chapter 11 on luxury beliefs is among the best of the book. It's a mirror to society and shows how decadent some people can afford to be...." Read more

"...This is an important story, filled with the excitement and perils of growing up, completely alone with only the precarious support of the American..." Read more

78 customers mention "Insight"78 positive0 negative

Customers find the book insightful and thought-provoking. It provides a glimpse of the author's experiences and perspectives. Readers appreciate the original analysis regarding luxury beliefs. The book is described as authentic, charming, and inspiring.

"...The good life is available for you, and so it is for everyone else -- if you and we collectively can just learn that, no matter how wretched a..." Read more

"...That's why it's good that Henderson provides a larger, societal picture, which statistically shows the advantages he advocates for...." Read more

"...who went on to college themselves, this book not only provides a glimpse of the experiences, perspectives, and prospects of those who grew up in..." Read more

"...It's a mirror to society and shows how decadent some people can afford to be...." Read more

39 customers mention "Writing style"39 positive0 negative

Customers find the book well-written and engaging. They appreciate the author's skillful use of common language as a metalanguage that facilitates insights. The structure is appreciated, and the book demonstrates love and care for children while offering a clear critique of luxury.

"...This is a book for the ages! It demonstrates with incredible clarity that love and care, which are available for children growing up in intact..." Read more

"I liked the way the book is structured. It's mostly memoir, but it also has chapters putting the writer's life story into a broader societal context...." Read more

"Rob is an excellent writer and story teller. I have read a lot of books, and this book is OUTSTANDING...." Read more

""I find this story riveting and it is well written with the poignant feeling of lived experience...." Read more

24 customers mention "Family bonding"21 positive3 negative

Customers appreciate the book's focus on family bonding. It provides insights and lessons on family and children that can change lives. Readers mention that stable, loving families provide the best environment for happy offspring. The memoir is affecting and gives hope to foster children and those from unstable backgrounds.

"...It demonstrates with incredible clarity that love and care, which are available for children growing up in intact families, is of irreplaceable value..." Read more

"...a golden ticket go a successful and happy life and shows that feeling loved as a child, regardless of socio-economic situation, is far and away the..." Read more

"...He also presents the facts about boys, men, and foster care, the real hypocrisy in elite circles and universities, and how important a warm, loving,..." Read more

"...than just a story, Troubled reveals important insights and lessons on family and children that can change lives...." Read more

23 customers mention "Heartbreaking story"17 positive6 negative

Customers find the book's story poignant and moving. They describe it as heartwarming, thought-provoking, and inspiring. Readers appreciate the author's powerful insights into childhood pain, indifference, and love. The book is described as intense, making readers feel, think, and resonate with them.

"...this story riveting and it is well written with the poignant feeling of lived experience...." Read more

"...Highly recommended and this book still resonates with me." Read more

"Profoundly moving. Part parenting advice, part political prescription, part social commentary, part autobiography...." Read more

"...While the storytelling is compelling, the memoir's trajectory takes a troublesome turn after Rob's acceptance to Yale, where he studies psychology...." Read more

6 customers mention "Illuminating"6 positive0 negative

Customers find the book charming, thought-provoking, and insightful. They describe the writing as cool, objective, and absorbing, painting a picture of the author's early childhood with mature reflections on emotions. Overall, readers find it fascinating and touching.

"...chapters I've read so far have been gripping and absorbing, really painting a picture of what his early childhood was like in a way that makes you..." Read more

"If you are on the hunt for a book that's authentic, charming, thought-provoking, and inspiring, search no further...." Read more

"...But my favorite aspect of his writing is that it is cool, objective and oriented towards truth and understanding...." Read more

"Beautiful, painful memoir..." Read more

5 customers mention "Authenticity"5 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's authenticity. They find it thought-provoking, true, and accurate.

"...The references were also good and accurately noted. I was able to find all of the ones I was interested in researching...." Read more

"If you are on the hunt for a book that's authentic, charming, thought-provoking, and inspiring, search no further...." Read more

"...Gripping, moving, and authentic! It's also something of a "banned book", which makes its reading all the more worthwhile!" Read more

"Intelligent, Cool, and Matter-of-Fact..." Read more

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J. Weber
A Personal Story That Truly Matters
Reviewed in the United States on February 20, 2024
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The title of Rob Henderson's book couldn't have been picked more aptly. By sharing his experiences in an unflinching manner, he gives his readers access to a perspective that is lacking among people who have never come close to personally experiencing lack, torn-apart relationships, and borderline poverty first-hand. By following him into this abyss of his difficult upbringing, and the initial anything but rosy outlook, I have gained much gratitude for the many good fortunes in my life, and also more deeply understood that many of the measures which we pursue in order to help people may need revisiting. For the past few months, I couldn't wait for February 20 to arrive. And every moment of excitement and anticipation was absolutely worth it.

This is a book for the ages! It demonstrates with incredible clarity that love and care, which are available for children growing up in intact families, is of irreplaceable value. Not because of what it affords people to do with their lives economically -- although that can be seen as a reasonable argument to be made. It simply allows people to aim up properly.

In a one, two gut punch followed by a slap in the face of our current cultural sentiments, Dr. Henderson lays out why and how our current approach to supporting people runs into problems. Humanity is at a crisis point. We seemingly care for one another, and yet our Western societies are coming apart at the seams. How is this possible?

By exploring his own childhood, Henderson reminds us: what people need first and foremost is a reason to sufficiently care for themselves. Only if you can experience yourself as worthy enough to care about what happens to you in the future will you be able to refuse making self-destructive choices in the present. The good life is available for you, and so it is for everyone else -- if you and we collectively can just learn that, no matter how wretched a person may feel in the moment, we all are worthy of being loved.

That is not an easy lesson to come by, however. Without having a secure basis to start from, that is experiencing parents who will again and again affirm this value of life in a child's experience, how would you ever get there. Henderson describes himself as coming from the top 1% of childhood instability. And he has the scars to show it... He escaped from this background -- maybe by sheer luck. And now, he shares with the world his story for everyone to have a chance of getting out. The message is a simple one: provide genuine care and loving challenges to people when it matters, which includes ensuring that children are raised in intact families.

This may sound like a political demand, but it is, I believe, a request for our culture to change. Only if we can connect with this truth in our hearts -- that we are worthy of being loved and appropriately challenged -- can we make change in the world that does not further erode what is left of the precious basis on which our society was founded: that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is every person's God given right. And to deny a young mind the experience of growing up in an intact family is as good as robbing them of that opportunity.

Thank you, Dr. Henderson, for your willingness to share this so openly!

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Willow
An honest, gripping story with a compelling message
Reviewed in the United States on August 14, 2024
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I liked the way the book is structured. It's mostly memoir, but it also has chapters putting the writer's life story into a broader societal context. I sped read it because it is so compelling and well-written.

Rob Henderson doesn't only focus on his childhood but also talks about life in his 20s and the problems he had then that had developed during his early years.

I was surprised by the number of childhood friends he had who also had unstable lives because of their parents' choices. It's a wonder society functions.

Henderson is very big on the two-parent family, and I do agree that two parents usually have more resources (including twice the love!) to provide a child. But I have known children raised by single parents (women) who have turned out to be healthy, successful adults. All of those situations, though, were very stable. The parent stayed in one house, had a stable job, wasn't drug addicted and didn't have a revolving door of romantic partners. They also had support from friends and family. I also know loving couples who have stayed together, but their children have greatly suffered from drug addictions. That's why it's good that Henderson provides a larger, societal picture, which statistically shows the advantages he advocates for.

The look into the foster care system he provided is jarring and it made me want to read other books about it.

I hope Henderson keeps writing and that publishers will publish his work.

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4 people found this helpful

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Diana G. Lawrence
Excellent and important
Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2024
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For those of us who grew up in stable, loving homes, with at least one college educated parent and who went on to college themselves, this book not only provides a glimpse of the experiences, perspectives, and prospects of those who grew up in foster care, but it provides insights into us ourselves - how we behave, how we're perceived, our common hypocrisies, etc. There's lots to reflect on.

It also blasts apart the view that college is a golden ticket go a successful and happy life and shows that feeling loved as a child, regardless of socio-economic situation, is far and away the most powerful path to happiness.

Thank you Rob for writing this memoir.

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CF
Good read
Reviewed in the United States on January 14, 2025
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A good read that I really enjoyed. Likely, most readers found themselves growing up in much more favorable circumstances, At times, it felt a bit like a nearly endless stoic negative visualization and at a minimum, the book should make you appreciate how well you had it. Chapter 11 on luxury beliefs is among the best of the book. It's a mirror to society and shows how decadent some people can afford to be. Not only can they be it, they also clearly don't think much about any of it. Virtue signalling and hot-air bla bla pulled into the light. Nice.

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Taylor
Brilliant. Sneakily so.
Reviewed in Canada on October 16, 2024
Verified Purchase

Conservatives often struggle to find compelling narratives to undergird their criticisms of well-intentioned progressive policies and their downstream effects. They also struggle to argue in a way that appeals to the sensibilities of liberals.

Enter Rob K. Henderson. Through his life story, he lays a narrative foundation that gives his “luxury beliefs” argument a weight it would otherwise not have had he spent the whole book hitting the reader with dry stat after dry stat about birth rates, welfare, and single parent family outcomes. His is an “own voices” account that should appeal quite persuasively to the sensibilities of a liberal reader. It’s also a very easy read. I finished it in one sitting.

This is a great book to recommend to someone in your family or friend group who you wish would think more deeply about the pitfalls of knee-jerk progressivism that trickle down to and ultimately harm the very people who liberals profess to want to help. (Hopefully, you can convince said family member or friend to look past the JBP endorsement)

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Cliente Kindle
A remarkable read
Reviewed in Brazil on March 27, 2024
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Congratulations on your book! As a reader from Brazil, I must say it's been a remarkable read. I've placed it alongside Sowell's "A Personal Odyssey," and your work stands out for its ability to provide clarity amidst the often polarized perspectives prevalent in our country.

Your focus on the significance of family and your experiences in the military struck a chord with me, being both a military personnel and a psychologist. These aspects resonate deeply with my own journey and values.

I truly hope your book gets translated into other languages, particularly Portuguese, as it is a much-needed addition to the literary landscape. I believe it's essential reading, especially for young soldiers in the Brazilian Army, who could benefit greatly from the insights and perspectives you offer.

Congratulations on your outstanding work.

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Kindle Customer
Thank you Dr. Rob
Reviewed in India on August 13, 2024
Verified Purchase
I have completed reading it, page to page.
It was very useful, the idea of luxury beliefs.
I read it on the recommendation of Dr. Jordan Peterson. Since I watched you on his podcast.

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hoehn
Extraordinary perspective on American life
Reviewed in Germany on April 10, 2024
Verified Purchase
The story of Rob is moving, insightful and nonetheless enjoyable to read.

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Tom Grey
Best biography of a foster child from a very very unstable childhood into a Yale grad psychologist.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 1, 2024
Verified Purchase
From the inside of elite Yale but coming from the far far outside of LA & CA foster care, Rob has a unique voice, a more authentic Point of View, and a penetrating intellect, combined with an honesty that is socially brutal. He coined the term “Luxury Beliefs” as an obviously true phrase to describe current pathologies of elite rhetoric, where “what they say” is far from “what they do”. The many insights already available in his substack and his X feed demonstrate the value of reading him, and taking him both seriously AND literally.

When an elite Yalie is criticized by a non-elite, the words are ignored, since all non-elite are eminently ignorable. But if it’s from a Yalie, it’s dismissed as hypocrisy – “you’re here, aren’t you?”. He was there, entering Yale in 2015, but that came after years of non-com service in the military, preceded by difficult years being raised first by a drug addict mom, then a series of foster homes, then a problematic adoption & divorce. He was in many schools with poor grades, but living real life stories of young men in bad situations. True stories of real harm, damage, and even death – so different from snowflakes who claim to be harmed by some Halloween costumes.

So many brief stories that are so human, often funny, funny-sad, and too often tragic. A series of snapshots of life among the majority of Americans w/o college degrees. Rob writes with such an empathic voice it’s as easy to keep reading as the first chapter of a Harry Potter book. The problem of elite beliefs is destroying civilization. Problems can’t be fixed unless they are accurately and honestly identified – Troubled, this book, does more to clarify the human problems of luxury beliefs than any other book.
Not just a good book. An important book making the important the point Rob makes: an unstable home is worse for children than poverty. The low number of foster care kids who get a college degree, 3%, is far lower than the 11% who get degrees tho their parents are in the bottom quintile of income (0-20%).

Rob seems to be in the process of becoming the leading psychologist advocating marriage and stable homes for children, with his own example and life experience as something to avoid. Reminds me of how my own father was a good example of what NOT to be as a husband and father.

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Top reviews from the United States

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5.0 out of 5 stars A Personal Story That Truly Matters

5.0 out of 5 stars An honest, gripping story with a compelling message

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent and important

4.0 out of 5 stars Good read

Top reviews from other countries

5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant. Sneakily so.

5.0 out of 5 stars A remarkable read

5.0 out of 5 stars Thank you Dr. Rob

5.0 out of 5 stars Extraordinary perspective on American life

5.0 out of 5 stars Best biography of a foster child from a very very unstable childhood into a Yale grad psychologist.

A Personal Story That Truly Matters

An honest, gripping story with a compelling message

Excellent and important

Good read

Brilliant. Sneakily so.

A remarkable read

Thank you Dr. Rob

Extraordinary perspective on American life

Best biography of a foster child from a very very unstable childhood into a Yale grad psychologist.