- Hardcover: 336 pages
- Publisher: Viking Adult; 1st edition (August 19, 2004)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0670032875
- ISBN-13: 978-0670032877
- Product Dimensions: 6.4 x 1.1 x 9.3 inches
- Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
- Average Customer Review: 44 customer reviews
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #730,647 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions so You and Your Children Can Thrive Hardcover – August 19, 2004
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From Publishers Weekly
Psychology professor Emery knows firsthand how difficult divorce can be for children. He has an adult daughter from his first marriage, and while he regrets some of his behavior with regard to his ex-wife, he also recognizes that he and his former spouse were effective parents. When there are children, a divorce doesn't end a husband-wife relationship. Emery believes too many couples say they don't want their children hurt by their divorce, but the children still end up stuck in the middle, almost always facing discomfort. So, Emery writes, "The first order of business is negotiating a working relationship with your ex." Emery explains how to establish and develop the foundation of a co-parenting partnership by understanding emotions, managing anger and setting boundaries. Drawing on examples from his clients, he elaborates upon how individuals can agree on custody arrangements, schedules, discipline and other issues. In a relaxed style, Emery elucidates a very stressful subject. He doesn't sugarcoat the situation; one of his examples is about a vindictive couple whose children are hurt by their anger over the failed marriage. His book will benefit parents going through divorce, as well as attorneys and therapists who work with divorcing parents and their children.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
“Finally, an internationally respected scholar tells parents the absolute truth about divorce and its effect on children.”—John Gottman, PhD, author of The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
--This text refers to the Paperback edition.
Top customer reviews
Bought one for myself as well, as I'm one constant in their lives. (Again, kudos from the counselor!)
Having worked in Family Law for many years, I feel this book is definitely worth the price to help loved ones going through this always-difficult situation where NO ONE "WINS" (ESPECIALLY when there are children involved).
The focus is on the kids and the impact on them. The examples are useful to show how your behavior may put you kids in the middle. It is reassuring (and with studies) to show that impact of divorce does not have to ruin your kids for life. That's not to mean that it's a feel good book, rather it is saying that if you choose to act one way, then married or not your kids are going to suffer. But, if you can behave in a constructive and businesslike way the impacts are likely to be much less in the longer term.
The real nuggets focus on how you feel and has great descriptions of the feelings you are likely to be going through, how that may affect your actions. For those that like these explanations it can give you some cause and effect. Of particular interest to me right now is a section on the different reactions and mindset of the person who is leaving the mariage (the 'leaver') and the left. Because the leaver has a headstart on the left their dynamics are almost predictable between them. There is a very insightful discussion on the cycle of anger, sadness and grief that permeates these situations.
The message of the book is (especially for high conflict), to take the emotion out of the husband-wife relationship, and focus on creating a very business like relationship, (often communicated over short emails) tha focuses on the remaining thing you share in common: your children. While that sounds cold, there is a logic behind it that is abundantly explained in examples and it's all for the benefit of the kids.
Author has good writing style and most of the chapters have something useful to take away. I found the "good divorce" and "moms house; dads house" to also be quite useful. Overall, taking the time to work through these kinds of books has helped me considerably move through the process. One can get a real sense of why its so important not to let your separation and divorce process go off the rails - even if that's what happened in the marriage. Just because your ex cheated, lied or whatever, getting even will cost your kids far more long term pain.
My clients have raved about the book. They quote it to me, highlight sections and bring in the book with lots of bookmarks. The advice is practical and helps the clients focus on the important issues. I work with people on cooperative divorce (see divorcewithoutwar.info) and this information helps me accomplish our goal of working for the best interests of the children and keeping the divorce process civil.
I recomend this book to any one with children who is contemplating a divorce. It will really help them make good decisions and hopefully make the entire process less stressful.
Most recent customer reviews
It leaves out reality and critical thinking as well as judgement.Read more