When Todd was seeking, transformation seemed the only hope as a balm for discontent and human suffering and he was a champion for that hope. Years passed in an evolution towards what seemed the very best possibilities and this was more and more positive. Indeed, that path of transformation offered life improvements, and also a prestige that he eventually let dissolve with the dissolving of the false ideas of self. He sought in the realms of transformation including experience and sensation; thought and form though he states clearly that these events and experiences are not an enemy of realization as is often thought. He speaks to the "limitations" of these events and experiences as a provocation invitation to self inquiry. His books clarify the distinction between transformation and realization. Here are his own words.
I felt discontent from childhood and though I enjoyed many experiences I found a sense of deprivation and the feeling of "not enough" was ever present. Hence my interest in western religion which came to a crescendo with the death of my sister when I was nine. Finding church lacking I sought and found relief, pleasure and horrifying experience in drugs.
After my personal versions of "How high can you get?" I completely ceased all use of mood altering substances at sixteen. I was forced to grapple with my discontent, and frankly I was afraid because after the extremes of euphoria, phantasmagoria of drugs, I was unsure what was next. The future seemed banal. The longing to "feel alive" i.e. discontent, was very strong.
I turned my seeking to transformation and this lead me to therapy, tantra and meditation. It was in these years I changed a great deal and those changes were, without a doubt, a great improvement. I discovered my ideas about women and sex were very limited and as a result I ceased destroying many possibilities. I stopped seeking refuge in anger and relaxed into experiencing emotions I once rejected. I opened myself up to people and benefited from many who were my elders who shared intimately what was useful to them. I sought out people and therapies that were the most radical, honest, cathartic, and confrontational because I noticed that extreme honesty, though at times painful, had yielded the most results for me i.e. transformation. I enjoyed the intimacy of groups and seekers. Over time I was afforded more and more respect, friends and of course with tantrics the possibilities that they afforded.
Pretence can be found with tantrics but it is also true that with tantrics I found other possibilities outside of what was most common. Eventually I realized that my organic full body expression does not exist to serve any "IDEAS" at all, neither traditional nor tantric. And, this expression of mine will come, change, and go, like the sunrise, of course in its own natural time.
Now, what I have written seems to be an argument for transformation because this is positive. I am not against transformation. I am saying it is not freedom. Before you read on consider this:
I cannot expose the suffering of the ego while simultaneously giving consolation to that same ego.
Transformation is by its nature an endless process, and learning evolution is a natural outcome of life and a joy when it is not interrupted. However, its limits are revealed when a person identifies themselves with the transforming circumstances and experience. Therein lies the folly because it can't be who you are. You were Being before the experience. All false identification leads to suffering because the nature of all form and experience is change. It begins so it will end. Freedom is the recognition of Being; the Source, not the passing forms.
Find out who you are first and all transformation will take care of itself.
This briefly indicates the substance of my efforts as a writer.
Todd Vickers
