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Two Gentlemen of Lebowski: A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance Paperback – Illustrated, October 26, 2010
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What if…William Shakespeare had written The Big Lebowski?
The Dude has met the Bard—and he doth abide.
Join “The Knave” and Sir Walter on a wild tale of mistaken identity, kidnapping, bowling, and a rug that, in faith, really tied the room together—in a sidesplitting Shakespearean comedy of errors and ninepins, told in five glorious acts of iambic pentameter and impeccable period prose.
Already a theatrical hit and a worldwide viral phenomenon, Two Gentlemen of Lebowski comes alive anew in this definitive and lavishly illustrated edition, featuring recently discovered historical engravings, scholarly annotations, and a revelatory afterword from the author.
- Print length223 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- Publication dateOctober 26, 2010
- Dimensions5.5 x 0.56 x 7.5 inches
- ISBN-101451605811
- ISBN-13978-1451605815
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Editorial Reviews
Review
—Scott Shuffitt, cofounding Dude of LebowskiFest and coauthor of I’m a Lebowski, You’re a Lebowski
“A blast to read.”
—GQ
“Oh my God . . . This is so good.”
—The New Republic
“Classic lines and scenes now become even more epic.”
—USA Today
“Gadzooks, methinks ’tis all as fine a way to waste an hour or so as I have come across in these four seasons.”
—Entertainment Weekly
“The mash-up that toke its time in coming.”
—Time Out New York
“Proves that Shakespearean sharp-tongued eloquence is nifty even in the 21st century, if wielded correctly. The play also proved that [The Big Lebowski] was quite Shakespearean to begin with.”
—Inside New York
“It's wonderful.”
—Metro (UK)
“Should be quite the what-have-you.”
—Gothamist
"Arguably one of the most inventive pieces ever created.”
—Broadway World
“The greatest thing since Geoffrey Chaucer.”
—Cinematical
“We were totally blown away to discover . . . this Swiss f*cking watch of a genius named Adam Bertocci. . . . Verily, Two Gentlemen of Lebowski has to be read to be believed. Zounds!”
—The Dudespaper (“A Lifestyle Magazine for the Deeply Casual”)
“Even those of us new to the Dude have become true believers in the Knave.”
—TheaterOnline
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Scene 1
THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and BLANCHE and WOO. They fight.
BLANCHE
Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are as servants to Bonnie;
promised by the lady good that thou in turn were good for’t.
WOO
Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe
if we forgive thee.
BLANCHE
Let us soak him in the chamber-pot, so as to turn his head.
WOO
Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul.
They insert his head into the chamber-pot.
BLANCHE
What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cool’d
thy head; think now upon drier matters.
WOO
Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the
money, Lebowski?
THE KNAVE
Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse
again.
WOO
What, thou rash egg! Thus will we drown thine exclamations.
They again insert his head into the chamber-pot.
BLANCHE
Trifle not with the fury of two desperate men. Long has thy
wife sealed a bond with Jaques Treehorn; as blood is to blood,
surely thou owest to Jaques Treehorn in recompense.
WOO
Rise, and speak wisely, man—but hark;
I see thy rug, as woven i’the Orient,
A treasure from abroad. I like it not.
I’ll stain it thus; to deadbeats ever thus.
He stains the rug.
THE KNAVE
Sir, prithee nay!
BLANCHE
Now thou seest what happens, Lebowski, when the agreements
of honourable business stand compromised. If thou wouldst
treat money as water, flowing as the gentle rain from heaven,
why, then thou knowest water begets water; it will be a watery
grave your rug, drown’d in the weeping brook. Pray remember,
Lebowski.
THE KNAVE
Thou err’st; no man calls me Lebowski. Hear rightly, man!—for
thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in
nature as in name.
BLANCHE
Thy name is Lebowski. Thy wife is Bonnie.
THE KNAVE
Zounds, man. Look at these unworthiest hands; no gaudy gold
profanes my little hand. I have no honour to contain the ring. I
am a bachelor in a wilderness. Behold this place; are these the
towers where one may glimpse Geoffrey, the married man? Is
this a court where mistresses of common sense are hid? Not for
me to hang my bugle in an invisible baldric, sir; I am loath to
take a wife, or she to take me until men be made of some other
mettle than earth. Hark, the lid of my chamber-pot be lifted!
WOO
Search his satchel! His words are a fantastical banquet to work
pell-mell havoc and confusion upon his enemies. There sits
eight pounds of proof within.
BLANCHE
Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at
ninepins; what devilry, these holes in holy trinity?
THE KNAVE
Obviously thou art not a colfer.
BLANCHE
Then thou art a man to carry ball in his sack? Thou varlet, a
plague upon your house; I return thine orb to earth.
He drops the ball.
Thy floor cracks in haste, sir; thou art not a man of ample foundation.
Woo?
WOO
Speak, friend; I am but of droplets.
BLANCHE
Was this not a man of moneys and repute? Did not Treehorn
speak of chalcedony halls, and three chests of gold, as was hard
food for Midas? What think’st thou?
WOO
O undistinguish’d man! We are deceived; this man has put not
money in his purse.
THE KNAVE
Weep not for grief of my own sustaining, sir. At least I am
house-broken, none to break the houses of others.
WOO
If dog you are, in time you’ll have your day;
Waste time, but Jaques Treehorn will you pay.
Exeunt severally.
***
13 rash egg: impolitically bold child or spawn. ‘Egg’ also calls to mind ‘zero’ (as in the French l’oeuf) and hints at the thugs’ unimpressed reaction to the Knave’s dwelling.
20 deadbeat: a person who evades the payment of, or defaults on, a debt
33 profanes: debases, defiles, corrupts
35 Geoffrey, the married man: Elizabethan mores viewed bachelorhood with suspicion. Men were expected to be married, and often had to be to accept public office or important civic responsibilities.
37 baldric: a belt or sash worn over the shoulder
39 lid of my chamber-pot: a lid is customarily placed upon the pot to contain odours. Leaving it off indicates the Knave’s incivility and lack of a wife.
43 confounded: perplexed. Blanche means ‘confounding,’ though that is not the issue here.
43 orb: sphere
44 ninepins: the sport of kings. Variants and alternate names include loggats, kayles, and skittles. Shakespeare frequently referred to the sport: in The Taming of the Shrew, it is a metaphor for Petruchio’s courtship of Katherine; in Coriolanus, Menenius compares his overcommitted loyalty to the title character to a poorly rolled frame; and, most famously, Hamlet’s line ‘Ay, there’s the rub’ refers to an obstacle deflecting a bowling ball from its course.
45 colfer: a player of ‘colf,’ the Dutch predecessor to the Scottish game of golf. In the sixteenth century, as the modern game filtered down from Scotland, its variants were enjoyed by commoners and royalty alike; Mary, Queen of Scots, was an avid golfer.
46 varlet: a rascal or disreputable character, from the Old French vaslet
50 of droplets: i.e., only has a little urine left. Possibly a reference to the use of the aspergillum to sprinkle holy water in religious ceremonies, as if Woo is blessing the rug.
52 chalcedony: a fine mineral, similar to quartz. Named for the Bithynian port town of Chalcedon.
57 house-broken: versed in sanitary excretory habits suitable for civilised living; in casual speech, meaning docile or peaceably mannered.
Product details
- Publisher : Simon & Schuster; Illustrated edition (October 26, 2010)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 223 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1451605811
- ISBN-13 : 978-1451605815
- Item Weight : 6.6 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 0.56 x 7.5 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #217,725 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #155 in Parody
- #163 in Comedic Dramas & Plays
- #1,712 in Fiction Satire
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author

Adam Bertocci is an award-winning filmmaker, screenwriter and humorist working in and around New York. Visit him on the Web at www.adambertocci.com
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The concept for this book is really great. And some of the execution in it is absolutely laugh out loud funny. The best parts of the book are seeing the best exchanges from the film translated into Shakespeare's verse. Since language really is the strength of the film it really translates well into the Shakespearean construct. It is similar to a more recent entry into this sort of project, Ian Doescher's transforming of STAR WARS eps 4-6 into Shakespearean plays.
Doescher's pieces are superior pieces of work for a few reasons. First, Doescher's pieces are licensed through LucasFilm, meaning that there was money involved and distribution lines. So there was probably more time to be able to flesh the whole thing out. Bertocci's work is clearly a labor of love. So some of TWO GENTLEMEN's failings are likely it being a victim of circumstance.
But what hurts TWO GENTLEMEN most is that Bertocci chose to set the entire thing in Shakespearean times, instead of keeping the settings the same and simply putting a Shakespeare filter over the film as it is. The reason this hamstrings the book is because certain technologies play key parts in the film, phones, pagers, cars, guns. Even though they refer to a "car" several times in the play, there's no indication that anyone is actually driving a car. Example: Because we lose these technologies, the scene where Dude and Walter throw the ringer has been re-worked. No cell phone means no Walter shouting in the background. No car and guns mean no Walter jumping from the car with a bouncing uzi, one of the funniest scenes in the movie. Now, Walter just throws the ringer and they leave while the "kidnappers" wait in the dark. Gone is Walter's plan of grabbing and beating one of the kidnappers.
Plus, scenes are run together in ways that are a bit jolting for fans of the film. The doctor shows up at Maude Lebowski's place to examine Dude. Walter shows up to go with Dude to drop off the ransom because he intuited something is wrong, taking away the wonderful opportunities for the various phone conversations that Dude and Walter had in the film. Some scenes are gone entirely. The scene where Dude is interviewed by the police and the answering machine kicks in is missing. The scene where Dude gets his car at the impound lot is referenced, but there's no "we got 'em working in shifts!" anywhere to be found. Walter paying tribute to Arthur Digby Sellers is gone (And a good day to you, sir!).
Where Doescher's works really take the Shakespearean experience to a new level is when he applies "asides" to many of the Star Wars characters. From R2 to Vader, they'll all linger after a scene and deliver a great monologue that intuits something that may not have been in the films, but is consistent with the character. In TWO MEN, there's none of that. It's more of just a "direct translation" of the dialogue. Updating is always easier than retrodating. Personally, I think he made the wrong creative choice. Baz Luhrman updaing R&J worked because the technology could be updated easily. But going backwards is far more difficult, and in this instance did a disservice to the work.
Bertocci clearly has a great grasp of Shakespearean language and verse. the iambs and rhymes are all there. The equivalents he chooses for many of the names and objects work well. And his usage of some of Shakespeare's most classic and beloved lines work very well in this context. Personally, I would love to see him re-work it in its modern context using the classic language and adding asides like Doescher does. This is a strong foundation, but there's far more to be mined here. Still worthy to bear the Lebowski name.
"Behold thy car, the Corvette, crimson-stain’d,
And see what befalls sinners evermore.
[He raises his sword, and smites the car]
This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!"
Bertocci doesn't hesitate to poke fun at literary scholarship. The left-hand pages have explanations of those things a modern reader might not be familiar with, as well as an analysis of the author's choice of words. What is particularly amusing is his "naïve" ignorance of plainly sexual references (eg, back-door mine (p128); reading Ben Jonson manually (p146); fig eaters & bareback riding (p174)).
It is impossible to recommend "Two Gentlemen of Lebowski" too highly. You'll laugh your back-door mine off.
