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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

Alfie Kohn (Author, Narrator), Tantor Audio (Publisher)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,491 ratings
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One basic need all children have, educator Alfie Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful and largely unknown research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people.

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  1. Listening Length
    8 hours and 41 minutes
  2. Author
    Alfie Kohn
  3. Narrator
    Alfie Kohn
  4. Audible release date
    July 14, 2016
  5. Language
    English
  6. Publisher
    Tantor Audio
  7. ASIN
    B01IE0H6H2
  8. Version
    Unabridged
  9. Program Type
    Audiobook
  10. See all details
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Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
1,491 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the advice in the book good, wise, and thorough. They describe the book as amazing, compelling, and a great read to shake up their perspectives. Readers also describe the empathy as thoughtful, loving, and touching their hearts deeply. Opinions are mixed on the writing style, with some finding it well-written and well-crafted, while others say it's meandering and disjointed.

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AdviceReadabilityEmpathyBuildabilityWriting style
91 customers mention "Advice"83 positive8 negative

Customers find the advice in the book good, great, and prompting them to reexamine everything they thought they knew about parenting. They say it's wise, wonderful, and offers plenty of hope and clear thinking. Readers also appreciate the amount of research that Kohn has back up.

"...can tell you that this is a wonderful, loving, close, gentle, respectful way to parent, that pays more and more dividends as time progresses...." Read more

"...Reading this put me on a quest to build a better, more effective parenting toolbox, and I am so grateful for having learned better ways of..." Read more

"...reading Kohn's piece, I feel more equipped to be a parent who is respectful, supportive, assumes the best in children, and nurtures learning...." Read more

"...as much as a controversial topic can be, and compassionate towards the parents and teachers that need this advice the most...." Read more

44 customers mention "Readability"42 positive2 negative

Customers find the book amazing, nice, and easy to understand. They say it's better than most parenting books, compelling, and well worth the effort. Readers also mention the author explains his opinions in a very readable and conversational tone.

"...My son is now 4.5 years old, and I can tell you that this is a wonderful, loving, close, gentle, respectful way to parent, that pays more and more..." Read more

"This book is absolutely amazing and has a place in the hall of fame for children's rights...." Read more

"...I found his argument against using praise as a means of control extremely compelling...." Read more

"...He explains his opinions in a very readable and conversational tone and backs everything up with research...." Read more

17 customers mention "Empathy"17 positive0 negative

Customers find the book humanizing, thoughtful, and loving. They say it touches their hearts deeply and is eye-opening.

"...son is now 4.5 years old, and I can tell you that this is a wonderful, loving, close, gentle, respectful way to parent, that pays more and more..." Read more

"...even if you don't buy into it all, I think there's some eye-opening thought provocation for every parent in here...." Read more

"...into forcing him to comply, but overall he's sweet, well-adjusted, happy, and not a menace...." Read more

"...A teacher and the school counselor praised her high level of moral development. She is a super happy and motivated child. She is not defiant...." Read more

3 customers mention "Buildability"3 positive0 negative

Customers say the book lays a good foundation for becoming a better person and parent.

"...He has a high respect for himself and others. He's happy,healthy, and thriving with the help of unconditional parenting..." Read more

"...This book lays a good foundation in becoming a much better person and parent." Read more

"...Love kids unconditionally 2) Build capable, happy kids, not "well-behaved" kids that only do what we say 3)..." Read more

9 customers mention "Writing style"4 positive5 negative

Customers have mixed opinions about the writing style of the book. Some mention it's well-written and thoughtful, while others say it'll be a tough read due to scattered thought patterns.

"...Unfortunately i couldn't get very far due to the scattered thought patterns of the writing style...." Read more

"...on and finally wins the reader over through clear logic and well crafted word pictures of a modern approach to living with and raising children of..." Read more

"...Written in a meandering, disjoint flow. He repeats the same points throughout the book. There's just no organization...." Read more

"Very well written and explained book about raising and living with children, even for teaching them...." Read more

Will help you unpack so much parenting baggage
5 out of 5 stars
Will help you unpack so much parenting baggage
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn serves to break down and unpack a whole lotta parenting baggage we bring to the table (false assumptions, beliefs, and expectations around the mainstream parenting paradigm). Spoiler alert: rewards and punishments do not work. But since this is such a foundational component to mainstream parenting that is so difficult to escape, it’s invaluably worthwhile understanding why—less of a how-to and more of a how and why not to.Having the privilege of sharing conversation with Alfie Kohn for the Sage Family Podcast was quite a thrill. His passion is contagious!“The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.”
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Top reviews from the United States

George Washington
5.0 out of 5 stars A MUST READ!!!!!!!!
Reviewed in the United States on April 10, 2009
Verified Purchase
This book is an absolute must-read on parenting. I was fortunate enough to come across this book when my oldest was a baby. I didn't know how it would work, but I was committed to the book's principles which really resonated with me. My son is now 4.5 years old, and I can tell you that this is a wonderful, loving, close, gentle, respectful way to parent, that pays more and more dividends as time progresses. I've watched my son blossom from a very intense and high-need baby/toddler to a very intense, active, loving, generous, kind boy. Did Unconditional Parenting change his basic independent, challenging, engaging personality? Of course not. Nor would I want it to. It took millions of years of evolution to give us all the wonderfully diverse personality types we see today. But he wasn't an "easy" baby, and he's not an "easy" child. But I see him mirroring his treatment of me and others by my treatment of him. He has a high respect for himself and others. He's happy,healthy, and thriving with the help of unconditional parenting (and attachment parenting).

Update: (7-9-2011) Well, I've definitely had some parenting ups and downs since my last review. Have had some challenging periods. Got sucked into some more traditional discipline techniques, and had that spiral downward. I desperately began searching for specific advice, and found "Parent Effectiveness Training." That changed everything. P.E.T. gave specific advice about how to implement respectful, non-behavioral-modification discipline, and by discipline I really mean problem-solving. It's the nuts and bolts of how to effectively problem solve with not only children, but everyone in your life, for those of us whose parents were unaware of how to teach us these skills, as they were not taught to them by their parents either. Now, P.E.T. and UP has given today's parents the opportunity to stop the cycle of ineffective, disrespectful parenting.

Unconditional Parenting gave me the knowledge and the "proof" to keep looking for respectful parenting strategies, but if you have strong-willed kids, like me, you need more. Read P.E.T. and then "How to Talk...." after that. Definitely Read UP to give you the fortitude to trust in avoiding punishments and rewards. I can tell you from personal experience, punishments and rewards start backfiring in a vicious way with strong-willed kids! And from my own childhood, I can tell you that they can interfere with a more pliable kid's sense of self.

If you want to have a respectful, satisfying relationship with your children, if you want to raise them to take responsibility for their own behavior, without a carrot or a stick in the wings, then read the aforementioned books!
22 people found this helpful
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C. Pettis
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for all parents
Reviewed in the United States on February 25, 2008
Verified Purchase
I was skeptical before reading this book. No time outs? No punishments, no rewards? There's a problem with praise? I was even skeptical for the first few chapters. But by the end, I was won over by the sheer amount of research backing up Kohl's parenting philosophy.

I told my husband when I finished it that I was going to try it. We were done with time outs, punishments and praise. My husband raised his eyebrows but went along. While I can't say that we've done this perfectly, the change this wrought in the behavior of our oldest (4 yrs old) was amazing. So much so that my husband said about two weeks later that whatever it was that I was doing differently, I should keep doing it. Her preschool teacher remarked that my daughter just seemed to "really change, really grow" all of a sudden. Truly, it was remarkable.

It should be noted that this is not a "how-to" book. There are not a lot of practical examples of how to parent as Kohl suggests. For this, I would suggest reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish (as well as their other books).

Even if you end up not agreeing with this book, I would suggest reading it since it will challenge you to think critically about what kind of children you want to raise and how they way you parent affects them.

ETA: It's now been two years since I first read this book and I would still consider this the most important, even if not most helpful, parenting book I have read. It not only transformed my parenting but it gave me tools for sorting through the mounds of often contradictory advice out there. Reading this put me on a quest to build a better, more effective parenting toolbox, and I am so grateful for having learned better ways of responding to conflicts with my children (and for seriously reducing said conflicts as well!). For books helpful in this manner, I would also recommend reading Larry Cohen's "Playful Parenting" and Mary Sheedy Kurchinka's "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles."
324 people found this helpful
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Magicalbunny
5.0 out of 5 stars Who Said Parenting was Easy?
Reviewed in the United States on May 9, 2011
Verified Purchase
As a Marriage and Family Therapy graduate student, I read Unconditional Parenting on a recommendation from a professor. While admittedly, I am not yet a parent (and understand how some will disregard my opinion due to this), part of me is happy that I read this book before having children. I am happy because after reading Kohn's piece, I feel more equipped to be a parent who is respectful, supportive, assumes the best in children, and nurtures learning.

In Unconditional Parenting, Kohn thoroughly describes the problematic-nature of popular, control-based parenting styles that use rewards and punishment to obtain child obedience. Using research, Kohn demonstrates that "doing to" parenting is not only counter-productive in some instances, yet also can hinder moral development, teach children to use power to get what they want, and create obsessive compliance. Instead of this conditional approach, Kohn proposes a "being with" style that includes:
* Reconsidering your requests- problem may be in what you are asking your child to do
* Putting the relationship first- creates comfort to talk and trust
* Loving unconditionally- show children they do not have to earn parent's love
* Asking how things seem from child's point of view?
* Being authentic- apologize, do not act infallible
* Talking less, asking more
* Attributing to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
* Trying to say "yes" when possible
* Being flexible
* Letting kids decide unless there is a compelling otherwise- give them the first word because they do not have the last word

Easy to do? Absolutely not. Beneficial? It seems so.
7 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Cliente Amazon
5.0 out of 5 stars genial
Reviewed in Spain on January 8, 2018
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es un libro muy interesante para las personas que tratan con peques, da una perspectiva diferente de la educación y merece mucho la pena. La lectura es sencilla y ágil. Lo recomiendo mucho
One person found this helpful
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Paliza Bassford
5.0 out of 5 stars Must Read
Reviewed in Australia on March 27, 2022
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Can’t recommend this book more to all parents
One person found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Emphasis on unconditional love. Can I apply all the ideas in the ...
Reviewed in India on January 9, 2017
Verified Purchase
Very use full book . Being a mom for the first time this book gives a basic idea of how to bring up kids. It questions the conventional way of bribing and over praising kids. Emphasis on unconditional love . Can I apply all the ideas in the book in real life, no . But still makes u stop and question the ways in which we interact with them.
4 people found this helpful
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Francesca
4.0 out of 5 stars totally recommend this!
Reviewed in Italy on August 28, 2015
Verified Purchase
great points for thinking over our parental aims ans actions. the style is very clear and most important, quite not the recipe book - mind changing, even if your parenting approach is already on the motivational side rather than coercive
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Kira
5.0 out of 5 stars Ganz wichtig, dass sich das mal rumspricht
Reviewed in Germany on May 13, 2015
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Ich bin auf Alfie Kohn über ein Blog aufmerksam geworden und habe mit meinem Mann einen Vortrag von ihm online angesehen. Immer wieder mussten wir pausieren und uns austauschen über Kindheitserinnerungen, die genau widerspiegeln, wovon Kohn sprach. Zutiefst beeindruckt von der Logik seiner Ausführungen versuchen wir, möglichst viel umzusetzen.

So viele andere Erziehungs- und Kinderratgeber basieren hauptsächlich auf Annahmen und Sichtweisen des Autors oder aber auf dem so genannten Behaviorismus nach B.F. Skinner. Dieser Mann hat Versuche mit Ratten und Tauben durchgeführt; daraus angeleitet werden aber Maßnahmen für Kinder. So absurd es klingt, bildet dieser Ansatz heute die Grundlage der meisten Erziehungsmaßńahmen: Wie beeinflusse ich das Verhalten des Kindes so, wie ich das haben will? Keine Frage nach den Gründen, warum sich das Kind "falsch" verhält. Keine kritische Beurteilung, ob die Forderung des Erwachsenen überhaupt gerechtfertigt ist. Temporäre Folgsamkeit ist das Ziel. Aber zu welchem Preis?

Die Ausführungen in diesem Buch hingegen basieren auf Sichtung einer Vielzahl von wissenschaftlichen Studien und Befragungen von Menschen und sind fachlich nachvollziehbar referenziert.
Es ist schwer, aus den von den eigenen Eltern erlernten Mustern auszubrechen; auch sie haben es in ihrer Art nur gut gemeint. Aber ich möchte, dass meine Kinder immer wissen, dass ich sie liebe, ohne dass sie dafür Leistungen erbringen und sich verbiegen müssen. Ich möchte, dass meine Kinder mit ihren Problemen vertrauensvoll zu mir kommen, statt aus Angst vor Konsequenzen zu schweigen oder zu lügen. Ich möchte eine Rolle im ganzen Leben meiner Kinder spielen, nicht nur Kontrolle über sie haben, solange sie klein sind. Ich möchte, dass meine Kinder über die Wirkungen ihrer Handlungen auf andere Menschen/Lebewesen nachdenken, statt sich nur zu überlegen, welche Strafe/Belohnung sie selbst erwartet. Ich möchte, dass meine Kinder eigene Entscheidungen treffen, statt von klein auf zu lernen, möglichst widerspruchslos Anweisungen zu befolgen.

Wer sich die Lektüre auf Englisch nicht zutraut, nehme sich die deutsche Fassung ("Liebe und Eigenständigkeit: die Kunst bedingungsloser Elternschaft, jenseits von Belohnung und Bestrafung"). Aber lesen sollte man dieses Buch!

P.S. Sucht man über goo*le "leseprobe liebe und eigenständigkeit" kann man leicht einen Link zu den ersten 40 Seiten auf Deutsch finden. Ein sehr guter Einblick.
31 people found this helpful
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