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Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships Paperback – September 5, 1990
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From Library Journal
Copyright 1986 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Top Customer Reviews
I picked up this book by instinct, as I needed to read something--anything--about how relationships end. I don't care about the why's anymore; I just wanted to understand what was happenning in my own relationship.
This book will not tell you how to save your relationship, or whether it's worth saving or not. Vaughan argues that there is a pattern to how relationships end. And in the telling, she gives the story that makes sense of everything--and that is all we need when we go row into the choppy waters of a faltering relationship.
If you're the initiator, stop what you are doing, read this book and carefully consider the spiraling path to relationship destruction you are on.
Either way, I believe that you will learn more from reading this book than a dozen others. Much more than from marriage counselors or even Psychologists.
But the truth may be hard to take. It was for me as I was looking for help in saving my relationship from my wife's affair. Alas, she had long since started a transition out of our relationship and redefining me in negative terms.
This book will help you understand why the person you love can turn on you like a rabid dog, rip your beating heart from your chest, throw it in a blender and hit frappe!
Eventually you will want answers whatever the emotional cost and this book is filled with them.
However, if you are one of the fortuitous or lucky ones fortunate enough to find this before it is too late, then read, learn and act now before your life is sucked through a crushing black hole of change very few are ready for.
As such, it does not provide solutions, fingers to put in the dike, compresses to stop the bleeding--in fact, it makes clear that most such measures are, finally, ineffectual.
At the same time, every relationship is singular--statistics portray the behavior of groups, without necessarily predicting individual outcomes.
If you are looking for a book that forces you to consider the individual and personal perspective in a damaged relationship, I strongly recommend "Should you leave?" by Peter Kramer.
Nonetheless, it is both enlightening and depressing to recognize "Damn, we've done that" as you read this book.
One final note: Ms. Vaughan's writing style is academic and often less than felicitous. The comparison between the liveliness and complexity of life shown in the quotations and her own dry, sometimes reductive commentary frequently annoyed me.
However, if your primary goal is knowing how this one could help your marriage, here's my take:
Instead of focusing on THE reason or reasons that marriages and relationships fall apart, the author notes that the process of separation - and, inevitably, divorce or estrangement - occurs even before the warning signs may be apparent. That infidelity that seems to be the "cause" of the divorce may be just one more step in a long progression of steps that started long before the actual affair. I think this makes sense.
It made sense to me that things may seem normal in a marriage and yet something is a bit worse than the day before, already shifting off-kilter. That is the type of change this book discusses, the veering away from being a couple and the distance that grows wider, day by day. It is the kind of thing that can be easy to dismiss until the inevitable happens - and by then it could be too late for therapy or counseling to help.
Although I'd call this more of a "philosophical study" than hard core science (even though many couples were interviewed, etc), I found it an engaging and intriguing book. This one would be worth reading before marriage and could help turn many precarious marriages back on track.
One of the most interesting parts of the book dealt with how unhappy partners may "revise" marital or relationship history, turning formerly happy memories into negatives in order to justify a separation.
Just to be clear, this review is not being written by a divorced person or someone in an unhappy marriage. I have no bones to pick, no axes to grind, etc. I simply found the book to be worth reading.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
In a marriage, both partners should be communicative, working together toward their common goals and futures. Read morePublished 9 months ago by Pony
Another reviewer commented: "If you are reading this book, it is probably too late to save your relationship." Or something like that. So true. Read morePublished 13 months ago by yougottalovebooks
This is an extremely well-written and well-researched book. It amazingly describes one's experience in terms of what is referred to as the "partner. Read morePublished 15 months ago by KD Borcoman
I'll admit I'm only 1/3 through Uncoupling, which I just opened last night, but after randomly turning on the 1996 movie Swingers with Vince Vaughn this afternoon, I'm compelled to... Read morePublished 22 months ago by Elis Law
If you have gone through a break up or divorce this book will tell you how you should have done it. If you are in the early stages of a break up it will point out the tell-tale... Read morePublished 23 months ago by sicnarf41