The late Dr. Judith Wallerstein was a very important family researcher on the topic of divorce and children. She did a key study from 1971 to 1996 following 60 divorcing families in Marin County, California. She tracked those 60 families for 25 years and finished the study with the 45 remaining families.
Although she described negative effects of divorce on children later in life, she also wrote that sometimes divorce is best for children, reporting that growing up in a high-distress two-parent family has “tragic” consequences for children in their adult years. Wallerstein had screened out children who had seen a mental health professional, and picked families who had normal children.
For example,
1. Wallerstein found that 7 in 10 children of divorce in her study turned out "average," "very well," or "outstanding." (See p. 333). Far from concluding that children are "destroyed by divorce," Wallerstein found that most were doing well in life.
—“At the twenty-five-year follow-up we found that 30 percent of the participants in our study were doing poorly, with functioning significantly impaired and below average. Thirty-four percent were in the average range, and 36 percent were doing very well to outstanding in all areas of their life tasks." —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 333
2. She also said she wasn't against all divorce (p. xxxix)
—“I am not against divorce. How could I be? I’ve seen more examples of wretched, demeaning, and abusive marriage than most of my colleagues. I’m keenly aware of the suffering… I’m also aware that for many parents the decision to divorce is the most difficult decision in their lives; they cry many a night before taking such a drastic step. —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. xxxix
3. She pointed out that abusive homes are terrible for kids (p. 300)
—“Children raised in extremely unhappy or violent intact homes face misery in childhood and tragic challenges in adulthood.” —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 300.
4. She was troubled that people were misquoting her to suggest that divorce destroys kids (p. xxxix)
—“And I am, of course, aware of the many voices on the radio, on television, and in certain… religious circles that say divorce is sinful… But I don’t know of any research, mine included, that says divorce is universally detrimental to children.” —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. xxxix
5. She said the courts are missing the fact the merely observing abuse is bad for kids (p. 90)
—“Many judges who deal with such families do not understand that merely witnessing violence is harmful to children; the images are forever etched into their brains. Even a single episode of violence is long remembered in detail. In fact there is accumulating scientific evidence that witnessing violence or being abused physically or verbally literally alters brain development resulting in a hyperactive emotional system.” —Judith S. Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), p. 90
6. On the first page of the preface, Wallerstein writes that many kids of divorce turn out extremely successful (p. xiii)
—“On the positive side, many young adults who weather their parents' divorce are extremely successful in their own careers, having learned how to be independent, resourceful, and flexible…. they are decent, caring adults who manage to build good marriages in spite of their fears.” p. xiii
7. In fact, by 1989, Wallerstein was already saying that divorce was a rational solution to a bad marriage. And notice that she doesn't limit it to physical abuse. Seven-in-ten parents in her study were moderately or significantly emotionally troubled according to her 1980 book, “Surviving the Breakup,” (p. 328). This may explain why she saw didn’t see divorce itself as causing children’s problems. Mental illness has an effect of children, whether there is a divorce or not.
—"Although our overall findings are troubling and serious, we should not point the finger of blame at divorce per se. Indeed divorce is often the only rational solution to a bad marriage. When people ask if they should stay for the sake of the children, I have to say, “Of course not." All our evidence shows that children turn out less well-adjusted when exposed to open conflict, where parents terrorize or strike one another, than do children from divorced families.” —Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, 1989, p. 321-322
8. Wallerstein didn't feel it was best for people to stay in at cruel, demeaning, or intensely lonely marriage "just for the kids":
—"But for many other people, divorce is the best solution, and staying married "for the sake of the children" (as it is so often stated) is not the wiser path. When a marriage is cruel, demeaning, or intensely lonely, divorce opens new opportunities to build a better life. The details of such unhappy marriages are often shocking. I met one couple who had not talked to each other in three years; they just passed notes back and forth. One man went to bed fully clothed every night for years, sending a not so subtle message to his wife beside him in the bed. Others brought lovers into the home when the spouse was away. In some marriages, in-laws invaded the home at all hours, leading one man to say, “She was never mine!" —Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances: Men, Women and Children, A Decade after Divorce, 1989, p. xxxiv
9. In 2003, Judith Wallerstein authored another book on kids and divorce. When asked when is the “best” time to divorce, she wrote:
—“The trouble is, there’s no simple answer… If there’s chronic violence at home, the answer is ‘the sooner the better,’ unrelated to the age of your child. By violence I mean physical attack—hitting, kicking, throwing objects—or chronic threats of physical violence. Exposure to violence has serious consequences for a child’s development that may last well into adulthood. They fear for your safety. They fear for themselves and their siblings. If there’s repeated high conflict in your marriage, accompanied by yelling, screaming, and pounding the table, then I’d also say the sooner the better... In some high-conflict homes, serious differences between the partners are a recurrent theme in everyday life.”
—Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, What About the Kids? (New York: Hachette Books, 2010), pp. 127-128.
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Top reviews from other countries
Zongle
The REAL experience of divorce.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 25, 2008Lisa Kerr
A great book for any other children of divorce
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 29, 2016