Joe "Crouching Tiger" McSweatly
"'Useless News and Other Crap' made me laugh so loudly it woke my husband out of a coma. Now I have to talk to him again! Thanks for ruining ten years of peace and quiet!"
Upset housewife in Toad Suck, Arkansas
"I liked 'Useless News and Other Crap' because there are no demeaning references to fire hydrants."
Seymour Dogbreath III, President and CEO of Long Island Fire Hydrant Appreciation Society
"I looked through the entire book and never found one recipe for sweet and sour asparagus."
Mental hospital escapee with illegal internet access
"'Useless News and Other Crap' is to literature what the slide-whistle is to classical music."
John Sebastian Golden-Tuchus