Q & A with Joe Konrath

Q: Did you always want to be a writer?

Joe: No. I wanted to be a model for husky pants. But then, when I was barely a teen, they stopped making husky sizes.

Damn those clothing designers for shattering my dreams.

Q: When did you decide to become a writer?

Joe: I mean, I'm not offended by the term "husky." Now they're called "relaxed fit" jeans. It's the same thing, but there's nothing sexy about being a "relaxed fit jeans" model. Husky sounds like you're owning those extra pounds, making them work for you. Relaxed fit sounds like you eat too much and are just plain lazy.

What was your question again? Ideas? I hunt through James Patterson's garbage, and steal what he tossed. When Patterson throws out ten pages, that's like fifty chapters.

Ha ha ha! Get it? Because his chapters are so short! I swear, the last Patterson book I read had more chapters than page numbers.

Actually, I just watch old Outer Limits episodes and appropriate the plots, like Alan Moore did with Watchmen.

Q: Who do you like to read?

Blake Crouch, Ann Voss Peterson, Jeff Strand, Henry Perez, F. Paul Wilson, Tom Schreck. Pretty much anyone I collaborate with. Because here's a dirty little secret: when you co-write a book with someone, you kind of have to read the stuff they wrote.

My absolute favorite author is Dr. Seuss. In fact, I tried my hand at writing a few Dr. Seuss-style children's books. Here are the titles:

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE MY WIFE

HORTON HATCHES A TERRORIST PLOT

ON BEYOND DONKEY PUNCH

MARVIN K MOONEY WILL YOU PLEASE DROP DEAD

THE CAT IN THE HAT GETS NEUTERED

GREEN EGGS AND E COLI

THIDWICK THE BIG HEARTED COKE DEALER

MR. BROWN CAN MOO, AND THEY PUT HIM AWAY

THERE'S A WOCKET IN MY POCKET, AND I BLAME CIALIS

BOOMER THE TUMOR

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to sell any of these. I think it may be some sort of rights-issue thing.

Q: What's a work day in the life of Joe Konrath like?

Joe: I wake up early and make some eggs.

Then the smoke alarm goes off, because the eggs are burning because I fell asleep again.

Then I spend ten minutes explaining to the firemen that show up how I'll be more careful next time.

I go back to bed, and the next thing I know, it's around noon. Time for lunch. I want to make an egg sandwich, but I'm out of eggs. And bread. And pretty much everything except some sort of fruit that's been in the refrigerator forever and might be a lime. Or not. It may not even be fruit. So I put it back and think about cooking some pasta but that seems like a lot of work for just lunch, so I go take a nap.

Around three I get up, ready to start my work day, but first I need to eat something. Do pizza places deliver at three? I make a few calls. Nope, no one delivers before five.

I check the fridge. The lime thing is still there, but it looks like it moved from where I saw it last. How odd. Did it move by itself? I'm really hungry, so I decide to give it a try.

It's not a lime, because limes don't have bones.

When I finish eating, I sit down at my computer and write my daily quota, thirty pages.

Q: What's next for Joe Konrath?

Joe: This Spring, Carson's will be releasing my signature scent, called Nocturnal Emission. Available in parfum, eau du toilet, cologne, and roll on. I like the roll on. It tickles my armpits. 

 

My goal is to make enough money to buy Nebraska. Then I'll rename it Joebraska, and invite all of my friends to visit. We're going to have a big party in the state capital, Joemaha. You can come, if you want.

Q: Do you want to talk at all about your books?

Joe: Nope. Not really.

-BYTER