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We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis Paperback – August 13, 2019
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"Timely and necessary...This book is not only a warning. It is an opportunity. An opportunity to live out the gospel we so passionately proclaim. And it starts with listening."—J.D. Greear, President of the Southern Baptist Convention
Time’s Up: Addressing the Unspoken Crisis in the Church
We like to think the church is a haven for the hurting. But what happens when it’s not?
Author and advocate Mary DeMuth urges the church she loves to rise up and face the evil of sexual abuse and harassment with candor and empathy. Based on research and survivors’ stories, along with fierce fidelity to Scripture, DeMuth unpacks the church’s response to sexual violence and provides a healthy framework for the church to become a haven of healing instead of an institution of judgment.
In the throes of the #MeToo movement, our response as Christians is vital. God beckons us to be good Samaritans to those facing trauma and brokenness in the aftermath of abuse and provide safe spaces to heal. DeMuth advocates for a culture of honesty and listening and calls on the church to enter the places where people are hurting. In the circle of that kind of empathetic #WeToo community, the church must become what it’s meant to be—a place of justice and healing for everyone.
- Print length224 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarvest House Publishers
- Publication dateAugust 13, 2019
- Dimensions5.4 x 0.6 x 8.4 inches
- ISBN-100736979182
- ISBN-13978-0736979184
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From the Publisher
Why Write this Book?
"We all know someone affected by sexual abuse. Sadly, the secular media has shown more compassion than the church toward sexual abuse survivors. There is a holy reckoning unfolding before us in the church. People are fed up with secrecy, covering up, and the sheer proliferation of abuse—both inside and outside the church.
"It’s time for the church to become what it should be: a place of security, not shame; humility, not pride. By standing with survivors of sexual abuse, we can build a community of kindness and restoration—a place where God’s people are healed and made whole."
-Mary DeMuth
Author, Activist, and Survivor
About Mary DeMuth
Mary DeMuth’s testimony is that of Jesus’s ability to transform a broken life. A child of three divorces and survivor of childhood sexual assault, Mary wanted to end her life as a teenager. But when she heard about Jesus, she knew she wanted to chase after Him for the rest of her life. Thankfully, He chased her.
Mary is the author of forty books, and she has appeared on CNN, spoken for the Southern Baptist Convention, and been featured in The Washington Post. She hosts a weekly podcast, and frequently speaks and teaches around the world. Mary is an advocate, author, and activist. Most of all, she loves Jesus and His Church, and is passionate about sharing God's ability to transform broken pieces into beauty.
What People are Saying...
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J.D. GreearPresident of the Southern Baptist Convention “Timely and necessary...This book is not only a warning. It is an opportunity. An opportunity to live out the gospel we so passionately proclaim. And it starts with listening.” |
Rebecca CarrellSpeaker, Radio Personality, Author of Holy Hiking Boots "Mary courageously and vulnerably shares her experiences and shows her scars in a way that will embolden others to do the same. We Too should be required reading for every pastor, church leader, and lay minister." |
Antwuan MalonePastor and Executive Director of ELEVATE YA "Mary invites everyone to the table with We Too—an honest, vulnerable, grounded, and biblical addition to the conversation of broken sexuality in the church and society." |
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Susan SeayAuthor, Speaker, and Host of the Mentor 4 Moms Podcast "Instead of hearing voices of comfort and support, most abuse survivors experience silence, even from the church. Women around the world deserve to be believed, and the church not only has a great opportunity, but a responsibility to respond." |
Jen Pollock MichelAuthor of Surprised by Paradox “We Too is an essential guide to understanding the life-altering trauma of sexual violence…this comprehensive book will help readers wisely navigate the complex relationship between grace and truth, justice and forgiveness. Although I grieve that such a book is necessary, I thank God that Mary DeMuth has written it.” |
Boz TchividjianAttorney, Law Professor, Founder and Executive Director of GRACE "My dear friend Mary shares why and how to begin the journey of transforming the church into a community that protects the vulnerable and loves the wounded. This book is an invaluable resource that is so needed by today's church." |
Editorial Reviews
Review
“Too many of our faith communities are not safe places for children and vulnerable people, and they are not safe spaces for the wounded. As a survivor, respected advocate, and prolific writer who loves Jesus and His bride, my dear friend Mary shares why and how to begin the journey of transforming the church into a community that protects the vulnerable and loves the wounded. This book is an invaluable resource that is so needed by today’s church. Bravo, Mary!”
—Boz Tchividjian, attorney, law professor, founder and executive director of GRACE
“Mary DeMuth’s gripping and transparent narrative of her own sexual abuse jolts the reader’s emotions and ignites the Christian’s mind. After reading DeMuth’s book, you’ll be convinced that we too must never again be silent in the face of abuse.”
—Wade Burleson, author, historian, pastor
“The church must do better when it comes to victims of abuse. This call comes not from a critic or a cynic but a lover of the church, an active member of a community of faith. Mary DeMuth’s book does not merely point out the problems but also explains practical steps for the way forward. If it follows Mary’s advice, the church will become a place of healing for the wounded and abused.”
—Glenn R. Kreider, professor of theological studies, Dallas Theological Seminary
“Mary DeMuth’s We Too is a timely gift to the church. With compassion and vulnerability, she opens a door into the heart, mind, and soul of sexual abuse survivors. With expertise and clarity, she instructs us in responding to sexual abuse and loving survivors. If every church leader and member took this book to heart, the church would be a safe and healthier place.”
—Eric Schumacher, pastor, author, and songwriter
“I am grateful for Mary’s life and her voice. We in the body of Christ need her. Her voice, along with many others, is the voice of our God calling his people into the light of truth and grace; to comfort the brokenhearted and release the captives. Read this book. Let it get inside you. Let it change you.”
—Diane Langberg, Ph.D., psychologist
“We Too is an essential guide to understanding the life-altering trauma of sexual violence. Grounded in biblical truth, sociological research, and survivor stories, this comprehensive book will help readers wisely navigate the complex relationship between grace and truth, justice and forgiveness. Although I grieve that such a book is necessary, I thank God that Mary DeMuth has written it.”
—Jen Pollock Michel, author of Surprised by Paradox
“Mary Demuth has written a courageous book about sexual abuse. She rightly calls out churches for their complicity and complete failure to deal with the scourge of sexual violence. She also provides practical advice on what can be done and points to a greater future still to come. This book is necessary reading for anyone in Christian leadership.”
—Rev. Dr. Michael F. Bird, academic dean, Ridley College in Melbourne, Australia
“In We Too, author Mary DeMuth is at her best. She speaks with the credibility of a survivor and as a well-informed expert. Her book helps readers assure that both their interpersonal relationships and faith communities are places of human flourishing. The church has been needing this resource.”
—Dr. Sandra Glahn, professor and coauthor of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Review
“Too many of our faith communities are not safe places for children and vulnerable people, and they are not safe spaces for the wounded. As a survivor, respected advocate, and prolific writer who loves Jesus and His bride, my dear friend Mary shares why and how to begin the journey of transforming the church into a community that protects the vulnerable and loves the wounded. This book is an invaluable resource that is so needed by today’s church. Bravo, Mary!”
—Boz Tchividjian, attorney, law professor, founder and executive director of GRACE
“Mary DeMuth’s gripping and transparent narrative of her own sexual abuse jolts the reader’s emotions and ignites the Christian’s mind. After reading DeMuth’s book, you’ll be convinced that we too must never again be silent in the face of abuse.”
—Wade Burleson, author, historian, pastor
“The church must do better when it comes to victims of abuse. This call comes not from a critic or a cynic but a lover of the church, an active member of a community of faith. Mary DeMuth’s book does not merely point out the problems but also explains practical steps for the way forward. If it follows Mary’s advice, the church will become a place of healing for the wounded and abused.”
—Glenn R. Kreider, professor of theological studies, Dallas Theological Seminary
“Mary Demuth has written a courageous book about sexual abuse. She rightly calls out churches for their complicity and complete failure to deal with the scourge of sexual violence. She also provides practical advice on what can be done and points to a greater future still to come. This book is necessary reading for anyone in Christian leadership.”
—Rev. Dr. Michael F. Bird, academic dean, Ridley College in Melbourne, Australia
“We Too is an essential guide to understanding the life-altering trauma of sexual violence. Grounded in biblical truth, sociological research, and survivor stories, this comprehensive book will help readers wisely navigate the complex relationship between grace and truth, justice and forgiveness. Although I grieve that such a book is necessary, I thank God that Mary DeMuth has written it.”
—Jen Pollock Michel, author of Surprised by Paradox
“Mary DeMuth’s We Too is a timely gift to the church. With compassion and vulnerability, she opens a door into the heart, mind, and soul of sexual abuse survivors. With expertise and clarity, she instructs us in responding to sexual abuse and loving survivors. If every church leader and member took this book to heart, the church would be a safe and healthier place.”
—Eric Schumacher, pastor, author, and songwriter
“In We Too, author Mary DeMuth is at her best. She speaks with the credibility of a survivor and as a well-informed expert. Her book helps readers assure that both their interpersonal relationships and faith communities are places of human flourishing. The church has been needing this resource.”
—Dr. Sandra Glahn, professor and coauthor of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
“I am grateful for Mary’s life and her voice. We in the body of Christ need her. Her voice, along with many others, is the voice of our God calling his people into the light of truth and grace; to comfort the brokenhearted and release the captives. Read this book. Let it get inside you. Let it change you.”
—Diane Langberg, Ph.D., psychologist
“Pastors, one of the most important and healing things we can do for survivors is listen. Mary has given us an excellent opportunity to begin listening in a form we are familiar with—reading a book. If we read biographies of other great saints (and we should), then let us read biographies of those who have faced one the great tragedies of our day—sexual abuse—and maintained a great love for God, the gospel, and the church. Allow reading Mary’s book to be a first step toward listening well to survivors in your church who need you to be the ears of Christ.”
—Brad Hambrick, pastor of counseling at The Summit Church (Durham, NC)
“This book is a balm to the soul and a resource for the church at large. It is intelligently and discerningly written and initiates a healthy conversation over real and pertinent issues surrounding abuse within the church. #metoo”
—Vonda Dyer, CCO Minerva Consulting, worship leader, survivor, advocate
“Mary DeMuth speaks a powerful and prophetic word that is timely and necessary. She courageously and vulnerably shares her experiences and shows her scars in a way that will embolden many others to do the same. We Too should be required reading for every pastor, church leader, and lay minister.”
—Rebecca Carrell, speaker, author of Holy Jellybeans and Holy Hiking Boots
“In We Too, Mary DeMuth offers a prophetic and winsome call to the church to not repeat the mistakes of the past. She courageously shares her own story and writes as someone who loves the church and is committed to its redemptive mission. We must do better as a church, and Mary helps point the way forward. A must read!”
—Aaron Graham, lead pastor, The District Church
“Mary Demuth’s personal story, astute theological applications, and trauma awareness bring clarity to the passivity of the church towards countless men and women bearing the scars of sexual abuse. We Too is painfully necessary and yet filled with the hope of restoration for each person, family, and church affected by sexual abuse.”
—Brian Haynes, author and lead pastor, Bay Area Church (League City, Texas)
“Instead of hearing voices of comfort and support, most abuse survivors experience silence, even from the church. Women around the world deserve to be believed, and the church not only has a great opportunity, but a responsibility to respond.”
—Susan Seay, author, speaker, and host of the Mentor 4 Moms podcast
“We Too is a remarkable and compelling book. Mary DeMuth prophetically calls the church to enter the silence and denial surrounding sexual abuse that has inflicted the body of Christ like a deadly virus. Victims of abuse, their family and friends, and those who shepherd the flock of God will find immense hope and clarity in how we are to find healing for individuals and a restoration of integrity for the church. There could not be a more perfect book for this time.”
—Dan B. Allender, Ph.D., author, founding president of the Seattle School of Theology & Psychology
“Mary invites everyone to the table with We Too—an honest, vulnerable, grounded, and biblical addition to the conversation of broken sexuality in the church and society. It’s an authentic conversation about where we’ve been, the challenges we face today, and the hope of healing waiting in our tomorrow. Hers is a brave, open, and necessary addition to the conversation of sexual wholeness in God’s church.”
—Antwuan Malone, pastor and executive director of ELEVATE YA
“For too long the church has valued its reputation and the reputation of the accused over the safety and healing of the victim. DeMuth wisely shepherds the church toward a true biblical narrative demonstrating God’s care and his justice for the oppressed. We Too is a must read for every pastor, ministry leader, and Christian counselor.”
—Leslie Vernick, counselor, speaker, and bestselling author
“Mary DeMuth brings wisdom to a difficult topic. She addresses the challenges faced by all the groups that can be impacted by a single act of abuse, while offering insightful yet simple recommendations to ensure things are handled appropriately.”
—Ruth Thorogood, Evangelical Fellowship of Canada Partner
“Carefully weaving the teachings of Scripture with her own story and the stories of others who have suffered sexual abuse, Mary DeMuth delivers a powerful wake-up call to the church she loves. Filled with biblical wisdom, factual evidence, and practical principles, We Too is an indispensable resource for anyone who cares about those who have been broken by sexual sin.”
—Bob Rognlien, author of A Jesus-Shaped Life
“Mary DeMuth has a message that the church needs to hear. We Too is a transparent, thoughtful, raw, and honest account of a problem in the church that no one wants to talk about. But we must. We Too deserves to be widely read by women and men, leaders and laity. Don’t miss it.”
—Kim Jones, director of engagement, My Refuge House
“We Too is a prophetic call to embody Christ’s healing, love, and justice for those oppressed by the powerful. It will take strength to walk humbly and courage to look at the mess. We can let go of the 30-second conversion narratives and instead sit with those bleeding in our pews. We can be the Good Samaritans again. Mary DeMuth boldly shows us the way.”
—Terri Fullerton, writer
“I’m grateful to God that Mary DeMuth’s journey, resilience, compassion, wisdom, and leadership have been shared in these words—words clearly written with a deep love for the hurting and with an undying hope for the church. We Too is a significant contribution to a church and society in need of healing, change, and a safer future.”
—Wade Mullen, director, Master of Divinity program, Capital Seminary & Graduate School
About the Author
Mary DeMuth is a writer and speaker who loves to help people live re-storied lives. Author of more than 40 Christian living books. Mary speaks around the country and the world and is the host of the popular daily podcast Pray Every Day, where she prays for you every day of the year. She is the wife of Patrick and the mom of three adult children, currently living in Texas. MaryDeMuth.com
J.D. Greear, PhD, is lead pastor of a large and growing church in the Raleigh-Durham area of North Carolina and is deeply committed to international church planting. He lived and worked for two years among Muslims in Southeast Asia before studying Christian and Islamic theology. J.D. lives with his family in North Carolina. Breaking the Islam Code is his first book for Harvest House.
Product details
- Publisher : Harvest House Publishers (August 13, 2019)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 224 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0736979182
- ISBN-13 : 978-0736979184
- Item Weight : 9.6 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.4 x 0.6 x 8.4 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #639,331 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #217 in Sociology Books on Abuse
- #1,982 in Christian Social Issues (Books)
- #3,484 in Christian Women's Issues
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors

J.D. Greear is the pastor of The Summit Church, in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina. Under Pastor J.D.’s leadership, the Summit has grown from a plateaued church of 300 to one of over 12,000. Pastor J.D. has led the Summit in a bold vision to plant one thousand new churches by the year 2050.
Pastor J.D. Greear has authored several books, including What Are You Going to Do with Your Life? (2020), Searching for Christmas (2020), Above All (2019), Not God Enough (2018), Gaining by Losing (2015), Gospel (2011), Stop Asking Jesus into Your Heart (2013), and Jesus, Continued… (2014). Summit Life with J.D. Greear is a daily, half-hour radio broadcast featuring the teaching of Pastor J.D.
Pastor J.D. completed his Ph.D. in Theology at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He served as the 62nd president of the Southern Baptist Convention. Pastor J.D. and his wife Veronica are raising four awesome kids: Kharis, Alethia, Ryah, and Adon.
Connect with Pastor J.D. on Facebook (@pastorgreear), Twitter (@jdgreear), and Instagram (@pastorjdgreear).

I am an author and speaker who loves to help readers and audiences live uncaged, freedom-infused lives.
My books include:
Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God (Harvest House, 2005),
Building the Christian Family You Never Had (WaterBrook, 2006),
Watching the Tree Limbs, Wishing on Dandelions (NavPress, both novels releasing in 2006),
Authentic Parenting in a Postmodern Culture (Harvest House, 2006),
Daisy Chain, A Slow Burn (Zondervan 2009), Life in Defiance (Zondervan 2010),
Thin Places: A Memoir (Zondervan 2010),
150 Quick Questions to Get Your Kids Talking (Harvest House 2011),
You Can Raise Confident and Courageous Kids (Harvest House, 2001)
The Muir House (Zondervan 2011),
Beautiful Battle (Harvest House 2012),
Around the Word in 60 Seconds (Tyndale, 2012),
Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus (Thomas Nelson 2012).
The Wall Around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You (Thomas Nelson, 2013) http://www.wallaroundyourheart.com
Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse (Uncaged Publishing 2014) http://www.notmarked.com
The Day I Met Jesus: by Frank Viola and Mary DeMuth (Baker 2015)
Worth Living: How God's Wild Love for You Makes You Worthy (Baker 2016)
You can find me primarily at http://www.marydemuth.com. My facebook page is http://www.facebook.com/authormarydemuth and you can follow me on twitter at http://www.twitter.com/marydemuth.
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In her newest book, We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis, Mary DeMuth states: “My hope in writing this book is to slowly change the dynamic of trust by encouraging the church to become a consistent place full of kindness and safety for those who have been exploited.”
“We forget that the church is meant to be the actual body of Christ. We are the hands and feet that represent Jesus Christ to a broken, sin-entrenched world. We are his ambassadors of healing love…”
We Too, has been written from a heart of deep love for the church and a desire to see it become ALL Jesus calls it to be. Mary confronts and challenges the church to be a “safe place,” not only for the wounded and downtrodden, but also for the sexually abused. A trustworthy place where they can be heard, share their stories, receive acceptance and comfort, experiencing Jesus’ unconditional, nonjudgmental love. A reliable place where the body of Christ comes alongside the sexually abused as a vital part of their healing journey.
Once again, Mary has written a book with complete frankness, vulnerability and biblical truth. She shares from her gut her own personal experiences of sexual abuse (trigger warning). Mary is “real” and someone the sexually abused survivor can relate to.
WHY are the wounded and sexually abused leaving the church? Mary shares:
“They are leaving because they are not being shepherded. They are leaving because their brokenness is treated with contempt, inconvenience, or dismissal. They are leaving because we have preferred protecting our reputations over listening to the cries of those who have been violated. They are leaving because they are not heard, valued, or welcomed. They are leaving because they feel utterly alone in their stories and because so few abuse stories are even hinted at on Sunday mornings.”
WHAT do the broken, victimized, and outcast need from the church? Mary writes:
“The flock of God needs shepherds who will inconvenience themselves for the sake of the outcast, the broken, and the victimized. We need leaders who will feed us, not profit from our silence. We need a church that is proactive rather than reactive. We need leaders imbued with kindness, compassion, and empathy. We need actions to back up words. We need honesty about what has happened, not cover-up. We need leaders who will ask the question, ‘Why have so many left the church?’ and then actively pursue them. We need shepherds who chase the wounded instead of chastising them.”
“Every sexual abuse recovery narrative is different. It’s shaped like the person who shoulders the story. Our best gift is to offer them space to forgive in their own sweet time, all through the gentle but compelling power of the Holy Spirit.”
In, We Too, Mary challenges the church, laying out specific ways they can care for and nurture the sexually abused and exemplify Jesus Christ:
“As faith communities…we can become open systems with nothing to hide. We can choose to believe the cry of the survivor over the protestations of abusers. We can provide safe places for abuse survivors to share their stories, through tears and shaking. We can offer counseling services, recovery programs, walk-alongside ministries, small group care, and genuine empathy. We can education ourselves about trauma and the awful aftereffects of rape, abuse, violence, and harassment. We can become openhearted havens that represent the best of Jesus, welcoming secrets while offering solace.”
“…we must put on the sandals of…the Good Shepherd, cross over to the places where people are broken, bind up their wounds, and empower them to heal…one broken heart at a time.”
As I read Mary’s book, it stirred up a lot of pain and sorrow for me concerning the church. As a sexual abuse survivor, I have struggled for years feeling out of place, alone, rejected, misunderstood, not heard, and wondering, “Where do I fit in?” Don’t get me wrong…I love the church and want to feel a part, and I continue to pray for them. But none of the typical church groups, studies, programs, have spoken to my personal needs, or lessened the deep agony in my soul. I want MORE. I want DEPTH.
“…a survivor lives with the pain, triggers, shame, and fear for a lifetime…The church that represents Jesus Christ should be the safest and most restorative place on earth for those who have suffered any kind of abuse. But often, it is not. It is time for this to change – for all our sakes.” ~ Mary DeMuth
Is sexual abuse messy? Yes! It’s insidious and horrific - a topic we’d prefer to not discuss! But, something the church MUST begin to address. No more secrets! No more shame! No more living in darkness! If the church professes to “follow Jesus,” then NOW is the time to go DEEP, jump in and get messy! TODAY is the day to become ALL Jesus commands as HIS instrument of love and support.
For the CHURCH, We Too, is a must-read (and apply) for all pastors, church leadership, and Christian counselors. There is so much to glean in this book. Throughout, Mary has provided concrete ways in which you, the body of Christ, can come alongside the sexually abused and offer them hope and healing. In Part Three: Shaping What’s Next, she’s also included some specific, “Dos and Don’ts.” Church, you can no longer remain passive! It’s time to educate yourself, and We Too, will give you a better understanding of the horrific effects of sexual abuse, what the sexual abuse survivor needs FROM you, and as Jesus’ representatives, what you are called to be FOR them.
For the SEXUALLY ABUSED, We Too, won’t necessarily be an easy-read (trigger warning), but it will bless you. There were quite a few emotional ups and downs as I read it, and moments when I’d have to take a break. But, I discovered, and I pray you will, too, we are NOT alone, and there IS hope in Jesus. What I greatly appreciate in this book, is how Mary shows us Jesus…His love and compassion for the broken and outcast. The gentleness in which He interacted with the wounded and abused. The time He took, listening to those in need, never turning anyone away. As Mary shared, He “allowed for their voices to be heard.” Jesus wants your voice to be heard, too.
Thank you, Mary, for heeding God’s call to write, We Too.
You can follow Mary at #wetoo @marydemuth www.wetoo.org
Disclaimer: I received a free publisher’s advanced PDF copy to review. All opinions are my own.
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on September 10, 2019
In her newest book, We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis, Mary DeMuth states: “My hope in writing this book is to slowly change the dynamic of trust by encouraging the church to become a consistent place full of kindness and safety for those who have been exploited.”
“We forget that the church is meant to be the actual body of Christ. We are the hands and feet that represent Jesus Christ to a broken, sin-entrenched world. We are his ambassadors of healing love…”
We Too, has been written from a heart of deep love for the church and a desire to see it become ALL Jesus calls it to be. Mary confronts and challenges the church to be a “safe place,” not only for the wounded and downtrodden, but also for the sexually abused. A trustworthy place where they can be heard, share their stories, receive acceptance and comfort, experiencing Jesus’ unconditional, nonjudgmental love. A reliable place where the body of Christ comes alongside the sexually abused as a vital part of their healing journey.
Once again, Mary has written a book with complete frankness, vulnerability and biblical truth. She shares from her gut her own personal experiences of sexual abuse (trigger warning). Mary is “real” and someone the sexually abused survivor can relate to.
WHY are the wounded and sexually abused leaving the church? Mary shares:
“They are leaving because they are not being shepherded. They are leaving because their brokenness is treated with contempt, inconvenience, or dismissal. They are leaving because we have preferred protecting our reputations over listening to the cries of those who have been violated. They are leaving because they are not heard, valued, or welcomed. They are leaving because they feel utterly alone in their stories and because so few abuse stories are even hinted at on Sunday mornings.”
WHAT do the broken, victimized, and outcast need from the church? Mary writes:
“The flock of God needs shepherds who will inconvenience themselves for the sake of the outcast, the broken, and the victimized. We need leaders who will feed us, not profit from our silence. We need a church that is proactive rather than reactive. We need leaders imbued with kindness, compassion, and empathy. We need actions to back up words. We need honesty about what has happened, not cover-up. We need leaders who will ask the question, ‘Why have so many left the church?’ and then actively pursue them. We need shepherds who chase the wounded instead of chastising them.”
“Every sexual abuse recovery narrative is different. It’s shaped like the person who shoulders the story. Our best gift is to offer them space to forgive in their own sweet time, all through the gentle but compelling power of the Holy Spirit.”
In, We Too, Mary challenges the church, laying out specific ways they can care for and nurture the sexually abused and exemplify Jesus Christ:
“As faith communities…we can become open systems with nothing to hide. We can choose to believe the cry of the survivor over the protestations of abusers. We can provide safe places for abuse survivors to share their stories, through tears and shaking. We can offer counseling services, recovery programs, walk-alongside ministries, small group care, and genuine empathy. We can education ourselves about trauma and the awful aftereffects of rape, abuse, violence, and harassment. We can become openhearted havens that represent the best of Jesus, welcoming secrets while offering solace.”
“…we must put on the sandals of…the Good Shepherd, cross over to the places where people are broken, bind up their wounds, and empower them to heal…one broken heart at a time.”
As I read Mary’s book, it stirred up a lot of pain and sorrow for me concerning the church. As a sexual abuse survivor, I have struggled for years feeling out of place, alone, rejected, misunderstood, not heard, and wondering, “Where do I fit in?” Don’t get me wrong…I love the church and want to feel a part, and I continue to pray for them. But none of the typical church groups, studies, programs, have spoken to my personal needs, or lessened the deep agony in my soul. I want MORE. I want DEPTH.
“…a survivor lives with the pain, triggers, shame, and fear for a lifetime…The church that represents Jesus Christ should be the safest and most restorative place on earth for those who have suffered any kind of abuse. But often, it is not. It is time for this to change – for all our sakes.” ~ Mary DeMuth
Is sexual abuse messy? Yes! It’s insidious and horrific - a topic we’d prefer to not discuss! But, something the church MUST begin to address. No more secrets! No more shame! No more living in darkness! If the church professes to “follow Jesus,” then NOW is the time to go DEEP, jump in and get messy! TODAY is the day to become ALL Jesus commands as HIS instrument of love and support.
For the CHURCH, We Too, is a must-read (and apply) for all pastors, church leadership, and Christian counselors. There is so much to glean in this book. Throughout, Mary has provided concrete ways in which you, the body of Christ, can come alongside the sexually abused and offer them hope and healing. In Part Three: Shaping What’s Next, she’s also included some specific, “Dos and Don’ts.” Church, you can no longer remain passive! It’s time to educate yourself, and We Too, will give you a better understanding of the horrific effects of sexual abuse, what the sexual abuse survivor needs FROM you, and as Jesus’ representatives, what you are called to be FOR them.
For the SEXUALLY ABUSED, We Too, won’t necessarily be an easy-read (trigger warning), but it will bless you. There were quite a few emotional ups and downs as I read it, and moments when I’d have to take a break. But, I discovered, and I pray you will, too, we are NOT alone, and there IS hope in Jesus. What I greatly appreciate in this book, is how Mary shows us Jesus…His love and compassion for the broken and outcast. The gentleness in which He interacted with the wounded and abused. The time He took, listening to those in need, never turning anyone away. As Mary shared, He “allowed for their voices to be heard.” Jesus wants your voice to be heard, too.
Thank you, Mary, for heeding God’s call to write, We Too.
You can follow Mary at #wetoo @marydemuth www.wetoo.org
Disclaimer: I received a free publisher’s advanced PDF copy to review. All opinions are my own.
Such a hard review to write but this book is so worth the read! As a church, missionary and ministry leader this book is a MUST for everybody that is entrusted with the soul care of another human. Mary takes us on a journey from her own experiences of childhood trauma and rape; she tells us of those in the Biblical narrative that have been abused, responded to unjustly or overlooked by others within Scriptures. She shares how Jesus responded to these people - and then Mary moves into very practical applications of how the Church/the Body of Christ Can Respond to those in our midst that have been abused or responded to unjustly.
Mary goes into quite a bit of detail about the various people that are touched by sexual abuse... meaning, we get a glimpse into how many churches have responded in the past; and then gives suggestions for what to do when there is an outcry of abuse. We learn about sexual predators: often being charming, how they manage to get people to trust them; we learn of the victim and how to help bring healing to them. We learn of good and bad practices of churches, especially of how often the church is more concerned about their reputation than caring for the victim.
Chapter 11 titled, A New Pathway Forward, gives practical tips in how we can and should respond to survivors. Not only does Mary use examples from churches that have done this well, she also shares how we have gotten it wrong; and always threaded through the entire book, the reader finds the scriptural basis for how a church Can Respond. It’s good! Really good!
Perhaps what I liked most about this book is that it isn’t church bashing but rather calling the church to repentance and really giving practical ways to help the church become a safe haven and a place of refuge for victims and those hurting. The scriptures, the stories, the transparency is not just for the sexual abuse crisis, this book is a standard for us as church leaders to use in how we minister and care for the sheep we have been entrusted with.
Now, what was hard: Not only am
I a sexual abuse survivor, I am a mother of a daughter who was 13 years old when she sexually abused by a female church youth leader. Had this book been available and read - used as a guideline during the initial outcry of my daughter, the investigation and later trial, perhaps our family wouldn’t have experienced a second victimization; maybe others in our church would have not been as wounded in the process either. Because I could see our story over and over in the pages of what not do, I grieved again deeply and the loss we experienced as we were shamed, not listened to and not cared for and how my daughter was blamed. So this book was a very hard read. It took weeks to read and each reading was in small chunks. If you are a survivor of abuse, either you personally or a family member, expect to process your own history as you read.
For me, We Too, validated what we went through. Made me realize we weren’t crazy. I finally had words and explanations to what happened to my daughter and our family. If you have been part of a church where abused happened and you were a bystander, this is a great resource to gain understanding of what the victim experienced; as well as how you may have also been manipulated by church leadership in what you believed about the events. It will be hard for you to read as well. Yet, when the light shines in dark places it is to bring truth, healing and restoration. It is for God’s glory and our good. Really!!!
Today, I can honestly say that I have hope... hope in our story; hope for the Body of Christ to get this right; hope that my daughter will recover what was stolen from her; hope for the church - even the one we were a part of; the Church is in a season where she can shine and really represent the heart of God to this generation. Isn’t it interesting that revival is starting with the marginalized, once voiceless people, who are silent no more.
The last chapter of the book brought me to tears of great hope: in this chapter I can imagine with Mary E DeMuth, a church, “...that exposes sexual abuse, reports the perpetrator to law enforcement, sets up emergency counseling, and offers long term care to survivors. This church speaks openly about what happened with tears and repentance for any part they played. The congregation is educated on the dynamics of abuse, grieves the loss of innocence, yet learns to trust leadership that isn’t afraid to do the right thing. The churches reputation, amazingly, remains intact because of their integrity in handling the situation. The church isn’t concerned about tithes or power. The leadership is consumed with loving the flock and it’s ongoing needs. Confirmation bias is gone. Truth flourishes. .....The church becomes a haven. Reputation doesn’t grow because of fancy image campaigns, slick branding, or perfectly crafted statements that place the blame elsewhere. Reputation grows by word of mouth, a groundswell of admiration and awe, much like what happened in the book of Acts. (see 2:42-47).” page 197.
Thank you Mary!
Top reviews from other countries
It is a difficult topic, and one we often back away from, but sexual abuse is something that affects a huge number of people, and too often the church has not been a place where they can find comfort and healing.
This book explores how Jesus responded to the hurting and broken as well as some of the (often unhelpful) ways the church has responded, and it casts a vision for a church that is truly a safe place where people can find healing. It is full of biblical insights, real-life stories and practical advice.
Mary DeMuth writes as one who loves the church and longs for it to fulfil its potential in ministering to those who are broken.
Here's some of what I learned from this book:
Whether we're part of the #MeToo movement or not, we're all called to be the hands and feet of Jesus. We're called to stand beside the abused.
Too often the church neglects victims of sexual abuse and protects the perpetrators instead.
God doesn't need anyone to protect His reputation. When we neglect justice, we hurt the church.
Please, dear church, read this book and be part of the solution instead of perpetuating the problem of predators getting away with abuse and continuing to abuse. Abusers don't look like wolves, they are sly, slick, and insidious. They may be sitting in the pew next to you. Or standing behind the pulpit.
WE TOO shows us what to do--what we need to do--to make our churches safer for each other.














