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David Harris-Gershon

What Do You Buy the Children of the Terrorist Who Tried to Kill Your Wife?: A Memoir Paperback – September 1, 2013

by David Harris-Gershon (Author)

60 ratings

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David Harris-Gershon and his wife, Jamie, moved to Jerusalem full of hope. Then, mere days after Israel thwarted historic cease-fire negotiations among the Palestinians, a bomb ripped open Hebrew University’s cafeteria. Jamie’s body was sliced with shrapnel; the friends sitting next to her were killed.

When a doctor handed David some of the shrapnel removed from Jamie’s body, he could not accept that this piece of metal changed everything. But it had. The bombing sent David on a psychological journey that found himdigging through shadowy politics and traumatic histories, eventually leading him back to East Jerusalem and the Hamas terrorist and his family. Not out of revenge. Out of desperation.

Part memoir, part journalistic investigation, this fearless debut confronts the personal costs of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict and our capacity for recovery and reconciliation.

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Customer reviews

5 star		72%
4 star		15%
3 star		4%
2 star		8%
1 star		2%

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Top reviews from the United States

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Great Read about Healing & Reconciliation & Forgiveness. Don't Miss It!

Reviewed in the United States on February 14, 2016

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Marvelous! It read like a novel - easy! The last chapters of the book made the greatest impact. This is really a story about Healing. It's about Reconciliation with the "other" and with that comes Forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily equate with "understanding," though that can and often happens. The main thing is that Forgiveness Frees. Period. It cuts the cord between the perpetrator and the victim. What a load off! Each is set free to continue their evolutionary development: emotionally, mentally, physically, and most definitely, spiritually. It is Necessary to "HEAR" the "other's" story. Everyone has one. We need to be good Listeners. If we did that all the time, there would be no grievances, bc no People of any country or faith would be ignored. We would know these "Others" are just like us and, as One species, we all have infinitely more in common than differences. We need to look for, and listen to, all the similarities while remembering those who continually point up the differences have selfish reasons - like War. It's extremely profitable. If anyone just wants an honest account of the Jewish/Palestinian conflict, get a copy of Side by Side. It is the ONLY way a History book should Ever be written: Both stories = the Whole and Truthful picture. It's the Only Way - anything less is the lopsided histories we were all given in schools - gov't approved education - it will always make "itself" look good, but that's never been the True history of any country.

One person found this helpful

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Great Title and A Very Good Book

Reviewed in the United States on October 16, 2014

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This book is the story of the personal journey of the author, David Harris-Gershon. I found the first and third parts of the book to be more interesting than the middle third, but that is a fairly minor criticism. Like some other books of this genre, the author learns the sad truth of the history of Israel along his journey. I wish that more Jews would learn this truth before a bomb goes off, but my own experience with this tells me that most Jewish people just aren't interested.

Okay, I know I'm going to get comments because of that last remark, but this really has been my personal experience. As a Jew myself, I work very hard to get my fellow Jews to read more about our history. Sadly, most Jews think they already know all there is to know on this subject. They couldn't be more wrong. To be fair, there are some who do know the history, but many of those chose to ignore it or make excuses for it. This book will help some people to become more aware of the truth and perhaps help to make a small dent in the ignorance that most seem to prefer.

One person found this helpful

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Never again to anyone seems to me to be something one can take away with this beautifully written book

Reviewed in the United States on September 3, 2014

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Stunningly open journey of the husband (author) of a badly injured survivor of his wife, in the 2002 suicide "backback" bombing in the Frank Sinatra Cafeteria of Hebrew University, from despair and secondary PTSD to truth, recovery,from the initial call at their apartment informing him his wife had been injured, to the hospital where his wife fought for life, to the long healing process, leaving Israel studies to return to the U.S., and on to the eventual return to Israel and meeting with the suicide bomber's family.....some changed perceptions. So very moving, so needed now, as ever, in working for the ending of the on-going horror of Israel. Never again to anyone seems to me to be something one can take away with this beautifully written book. Searching to know "the other", some are changed, read this moving story of one who went beyond his own limited knowing, to learn and incorporate into himself, a new story, a new humanity, the pain of the "other". We must never forget anyone's oppression/persecution.

3 people found this helpful

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Joan L. Eisenstodt

First the style is so comfortable to read - the best

Reviewed in the United States on July 12, 2014

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It is strange to say I 'love' this book and yet I do. First the style is so comfortable to read - the best, albeit uncomfortable for the reader (and author) story-telling. One can feel the incidents that are recalled, or one can if one has empathy.

Mr. Harris-Gerhson has been asked to speak and then canceled in DC and elsewhere. Such brouhaha over the subject of reconciliation between a Jew and an Arab has been made. Over possible peace among peoples? Is it wrong to reconcile with others?

Reading the book, I want to sit down with Mr. Harris-Gershon and talk and learn and understand more. With the current horrors in Israel and Gaza, how can we - any of us - let this go on without considering the destruction of people and their homes and culture? Tho' I have never been comfortable with the taking of Palestinian lands, reading this book, with the research Mr. Harris-Gershon did about how the Palestinians lost their land, better understanding the Balfour Declaration, and thinking about my friends (Palestinian Americans) and my family (Israeli Jews), I cannot accept the hate and the rancor and the long history of hurt to each people. As I read more about the demoralizing of the Palestinians, I wondered: Where is the empathy that could have made this better? How would I have felt - as a Jew after the Holocaust coming to a land that was to be mine? as a Palestinian living on land that had been in my family for generations? How would I have reacted to someone taking over my home?

Read this book - relfect - wonder - and think of ways to bring about peace in these holy lands. We cannot continue what has been and could be for more years.

One person found this helpful

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M. Evan Wolkenstein

A book that holds you on a very difficult - but life-affirming - journey

Reviewed in the United States on September 29, 2020

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Read this book in two sittings - due to the author's wit, sensitivity, and candor - the book blends honest exploration of pain with a gentle, self deprecating humor and kindness and compassion... and a very fair eye. I've never read as humanistic and fair a depiction of the origin of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict -- and all with an eye towards understanding the people involved. Unique and special in this regard.

I felt "held" in the painful journey, and even a bit hopeful for the future...the book charts an aspirational path to peace not from a place of power or politics, but from an understanding of what makes all human beings the same - our need to find safety and security for our people.

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Top reviews from other countries

pixie g

Four Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 27, 2014

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Excellent, very moving book - well worth reading.

Kim Werker

Should be mandatory reading for all humans.

Reviewed in Canada on January 20, 2015

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A very thoughtful, moving account of a man who felt compelled to go against all he thought he knew, and all his community believed, to try to reconcile with the terrorist whose bomb severely injured his wife and killed their friends. It's an inspiration to anyone who feels it's important not to live only in one's own bubble of specific belief, but to accommodate and even embrace that others have different pressures of belief, different actual beliefs, different histories that lead to those beliefs, and that if we all try to understand, we might live with a lot less hate.

One person found this helpful

Carl Freeman

A profoundly moving and uplifting story

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 9, 2013

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The short review

For people who prefer short book reviews - please stop reading at the end of this paragraph. This is a truly brilliant book written by a courageous man who keeps the reader hanging on to his every word. It is a real "page turner" and I lost count of how many times that I promised myself at the end of a chapter that I would read "just one more" only to be making the same promise when I reached the end of that one. I found myself willing David Harris-Gershon on to his goal every step of the way, laughing and crying as he took me with him on an amazing journey facing up to and overcoming obstacles on a path to reconciliation and inner peace. In a world that seems plagued by conflict and death and despair, this inspiring and uplifting tale offers a tantalising glimpse of how things could be if only humanity could overcome its seemingly insatiable appetite for the revenge cycle. This book not only entertains, but informs, perhaps challenging pre-existing views that some readers may have formed of Israel/ Palestine conflict. Things are not always how they seem. I have no doubt that anyone reading this book will reach the same conclusion as me - The world would be a much better place if there with more people like David Harris-Gershon in it.

Introduction to the long review... and a warning

This paragraph does not form part of my long review - it is a bit of preamble to my long review. What follows these opening remarks are my personal impressions of the book and my reaction to it. For those who are interested to know what they are, please feel free to continue reading. There is absolutely no expectation that you will do so. The choice as to whether to read on is entirely yours and to be honest, the short review probably already describes my overall impression...but the longer review that I offer below should particularly suit those who are open-minded and who subscribe to the principles of non-violence espoused by Martin Luther-King Jr and Mahatma Ghandi. If however you are the type of person for whom the government of Israel can do no wrong, there is a strong possibility that you will resent elements of what follows. In fact if you are that sort of person, to be perfectly honest the book itself is unlikely to float your boat as amidst a story of great human interest, there are rich seams of political analysis. So if you fall into that latter category, I suggest you stop reading immediately. If you ignore that warning and read on.... and if my endorsement of the book fills you with the urge to make comments denigrating this review or David Harris-Gershon's book, well by all means, go ahead. Such comments are entirely predictable, invariably clichéd and ultimately will have no influence over anyone wondering whether or not to buy this book. But if it makes you happy, who am I to stand in your way?

The long review

David Harris-Gershon is a master story-teller who finds himself at the centre of an amazing story. Right from the start we are given a glimpse into the world of confusion into which he and his wife were so violently hurled . We lurch around in time. There is a bomb - we rapidly rewind to the bomber's malevolent reconnaissance expeditions but no sooner are we there than we are dragged forward in time again.....to the site of the explosion - its visceral horror - the blood - the horrific burns - the blast waves. It is this evil deed that sets in train all of the events recounted in the book. I find it more that a little perverse that such a destructive act could serve as the genesis of such creativity. In the beginning there was an explosion...

Over the next few pages we continue to lurch backwards and forwards in time. Jamie (the author's wife) is choosing what to wear, mapping out how her day will go. This mundane scene reminded me of a joke once told to me be a blind Muslim friend.

"How do you make God laugh?........... You tell Him your plans".

Jamie's planning for the day, including dress code is juxtaposed against the formulation of someone else's plan - a plan which we already know will result in the slaughter of innocents....... but what's this.....? We are back in the cafeteria once more just before the bomb, we know it is coming but the friends who are laughing, talking, eating, are oblivious of the danger they face. With tension rising there is then another quick scene change....to the author, eating at home, alone.... a sweet moment of serenity. The phone rings...

Taking the reader into the heart of the action

David Harris-Gershon truly immerses us in the horror and confusion of a terrorist outrage not only through the choice words he deploys, but in the way in which they are deployed. Scenes are jumbled up and layered on top of each other completely out of place in the same way that condiments, bodies, chairs, shrapnel and shards of glass are tossed around by the bomb's violent shockwaves. Key words emerge from this confusion almost staccato-like in delivery, disconnected from each other and yet at the same time, key components of one story. Almost like pieces being slotted together in a jig-saw puzzle... a picture slowly emerging from the chaos.

"Capri-pants"

"Pesto"

"Cafeteria"

The reader has to try and make sense of what is being witnessed. By deliberately presenting these scenes in non-sequential order, the author adds to the confusion of the events themselves. People generally like order. We love it when a plan comes together. We like the familiar with everything in its correct place. We go to work, we go home. We appreciate routine. The author does too. Elsewhere he writes of the comforting nature of faith based ritual. Its orderliness. The bomb not only shatters the skin and bones and organs of its victims but it removes all sense of established order. Dust and blood and screams and sirens mingle, and the reader is there too as a silent, helpless witness. Whilst the author does not ask us directly how we would have felt if we had been involved in such a nightmare, there is an unwritten invitation to do so. Like it or not, we are transfixed by the events unfold before us, unable to look away.

Catharsis

The ancient Greeks took their theatre very seriously. Performances were not only intended to provide spectators with entertainment, a distraction from day to day life, but they had a secondary purpose -evoking strong emotional reactions from the audience. The phenomenon was referred to as "catharsis" and thousands of years later we talk about things or events as being "cathartic" with the generally accepted meaning that this is "a purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions". Theatrically the term is not only applied to tragedies but to comedies too. If the dramatist has done his job well, then the spectator would leave the theatre emotionally cleansed. It may have been hard work in places, particularly when the narrative was distressing but the outcome was positive. In modern times the term has also been ascribed further meaning.... that of "intellectual clarification". So catharsis does not simply relate to strong emotional reactions, but a process through which there is conscious control over irrational emotions - if you like, an analytical approach to feelings. For the reader, this book is incredibly cathartic and if we accept that second definition of catharsis - something akin to achieving rational control over irrational (and otherwise unbridled) emotions then I suspect that the events described within the book and David Harris-Gershon's reactions to them could be described as cathartic too.

Inviting empathy from the reader

In those early moments with fragmented reports of the bomb filtering through and lack of clarity as to how gravely hurt his wife is, in one of a series of telephone calls David receives from different people, the dean of the university quizzes him as to precisely what was meant by the term given to describe his wife's injuries. What precisely did "lightly hurt" mean? As I followed this conversation I felt David's helplessness and as tears, "welled and stuck in the back of (HIS) throat" he was not alone. This was not the only occasion that I found myself "welling up" though sometimes this reaction was in response to joyful events too. But as with ancient Greek theatre, there are also moments of comedy. When reading of David and Jamie's rationale for adopting a double-barrelled naming convention post-marriage I experienced one of those real "laugh out loud" moments. Given the dark subject matter, it was perhaps surprising to find that humour sits comfortably with distress and anxiety and fear and sadness. But perhaps this is entirely appropriate. The big picture is after all about "co-existence".

Key themes

Despite having described a couple of key incidents early on in this review it is not my intention to précis the whole book. I will simply try to encapsulate what I believe to be the key themes running through it. There is literally something for everyone.

LOVE STORY: This is a love story. A tale of two people who were destined to find each other. We see them meet, fall in love and we will them on to marriage (the title has the word "wife" in it so there are no secrets given away there!) It has all the elements of romantic fairy tale, but is also grounded in ways that any of us can relate to. Such as the clumsily worded email sent and then regretted. We have all berated ourselves for what we perceive to be our own idiocy. David is no different from us.

A MATTER OF FAITH: Subscribing to a religion is not for everyone but I don't think that the short passages in which the author dwells on his relationship with God would be a turn-off for anyone of secular persuasion. David's short "conversations" with God give a beautiful insight into the concept of a faith journey. I suspect very few "people of faith" can legitimately claim to have never harboured any doubts as to the presence of a divine being or to have questioned His (or Her) performance. On the other side of that coin, even the most ardent self-proclaimed atheists can still find themselves appealing to a higher being in their hour of need. This was beautifully demonstrated by Richard Dawkins live on air in the UK when challenged during a radio debate to give the full title of Charles Darwin's seminal work. His memory failed him and when it dawned on him could not (as he had just claimed he could) correctly name the book, in desperation he muttered the words, "Oh God!" I suspect that God had a little chuckle at that one. But I digress...It is clear that David is deeply spiritual man.

HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY AND POLITICS: There is more than a hint of geopolitical analysis in the book. Indeed, a big part of David's research whilst struggling to understand why a stranger would seek to kill his wife was to take a detailed look at the political forces at work in Israel/Palestine. Those forces are both legion and complex and span generations. David Harris-Gershon sets out a series of key events, presented as "acts" in a drama. I imagine that these events will lie outside the knowledge of the average reader. Taking just one example, there is a description of the targeted assassination of Salah Shahada, the founder of the military wing of Hamas. The author does not shy away from describing the sort of man Shahada was. He had written a manual on suicide bombing and was responsible for commissioning the murder of Israeli citizens. But he was also arguably a man who could have brought an end to the waves of violence that were sweeping the land. A one ton bomb was dropped on his residence moments before he was due to sign a truce with Israel. The bomb achieved its goal - it killed Shahada, but in the process demolished neighbouring houses, killing 15 people in total (nine of whom were children) and injuring 145. There is speculation that Hamas terror would still have continued regardless of whether or not the truce had been signed but the truth is - we will never know what would have happened had Shahada lived. We do know what happened after his death. Revenge was promised and nine days later, David's wife and her friends sat in a university cafeteria laughing, talking, eating.

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER: The biggest part of the book is taken up with the ripples that stretch out long after the explosion in the cafeteria, sabotaging the plans of a wonderful young couple who were "living the dream". For physical injury, there is surgery, medication, grafted skin and perhaps one of the greatest healers, time. With the help of doctors, the body has the most amazing capacity to repair itself and whilst injuries may leave physical scars, the pain dissipates. But how about the psychological and emotional impact - how does one cope with that? Does a therapeutic intervention that works for one victim necessarily work for another? What do you do if conventional methods fail? Well, for one man at least, the road to recovery involved digging deep and seeking out alternative "therapies," and prescribing his own cure in the face of cynicism.

PERSEVERANCE: There were plenty of people who considered David to be naïve and foolhardy. Some people within his own faith community clearly perceived all Palestinians as being pure evil. It seemed everyone and anyone could form a view including a taxi driver who offers pity (and a bet as to the outcome of his misguided pilgrimage to the family that spawned a murderer). How many people faced with such incessant and consistent nay-sayers could resist and push on regardless? The path that David took was certainly not a path of least resistance. I have no doubt that many would have buckled under the pressure.

TAKING RISKS.....OR NOT! Any new parent will fret over the health and wellbeing of their baby. But perhaps for someone who has been involved in a major scare in their life, preoccupation with health and safety can be taken to a higher level. In one of the lighter moments in the book we are party to David's efforts to neutralise any risk to his and Jamie's first-born. There cannot be a child safety product on this planet that did not make its way into the Harris-Gershon home and at times, descriptions of the deployment of some of these safety devices read as a long-lost Laurel and Hardy film script. That's another fine mess you've gotten me into. But the contrast between David's attitude to his daughter's safety compared to that of his own is stark - particularly when he was bombarded with dire warnings as to what could happen to him if he were to venture deep into the Palestinian community from which the man who tried to murder his wife came. But making peace always involves taking risks. David knew what he had to do and to his great credit - he continued on the path he had chosen.

HOPE TRIUMPHS OVER DESPAIR: The greatest theme of all is that of the resilience of the human spirit. Despite the trauma and the bureaucracy and other obstacle in his path, David clings onto hope and never loses sight of the prize. To my mind, that prize is an acknowledgement and celebration of a common humanity shared by all people of the Earth. Regardless of the diversity of different communities, the people within them generally all want the same things. People on either side of a conflict can discover that it is possible to develop mutual understanding and this in turn can lead to genuine warmth between them. As Dr Martin Luther King Jr famously said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

Closing remarks

The quality of David Harris-Gershon's writing is superb and in parts the style of his narration is as rich and as fluid as the finest poetry. I think the combination of that (often) poetic style and the themes of contained within the book evoke for me the words of one of my favourite poems. Es ist was es ist (What it is) by Erich Fried

"It is madness
says reason
It is what it is
says love
It is unhappiness
says caution
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It has no future
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ridiculous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love."

5 people found this helpful

NickR

A difficult subject that's easy to read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 24, 2013

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David has taken a difficult subject - his wife being seriously injured in a bomb blast at a university in Jerusalem - and written a clear account of what happened, the lead up and its aftermath, that's clearly written and easy to follow. This book really made me understand the difficult history of Israel-Palestine and made me realise there are no winners or losers. I have recommended this book to a Scottish friend who lives in Israel - with the added recommendation she passes it on to her Israeli mother--in-law who will totally see both sides of the argument too. A brilliant book.

2 people found this helpful

Christopher H Naylor

Insight into Israeli/palastinian Conflict

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 23, 2013

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Very sympathetic, full of pathos, I would like to write the Screen play or see the Film.
Souce of material for stories about the West Bank
Very many thanks Mr Harris-Gershon for clearly setting out all the Issues.
I suspect there will prove to be a different ending!!

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