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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by [John Gottman PhD, Nan Silver]

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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal Kindle Edition

by John Gottman PhD (Author), Nan Silver (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

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A world-renowned relationship expert shares his research about love and what it takes to develop a trustful, intimate, and emotionally fulfilling bond.

In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love and shares the results of his famous “Love Lab”: Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.

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305 pages
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English
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Simon & Schuster
Publication date

September 4, 2012
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“In an easy-to-understand format full of anecdotes, imaginary dialogues, and analogies to game theory, Gottman explains lack of trust in a relationship … The practical tools to evaluate current relationships and step-by-step methods for avoiding betrayal, repairing relationships heading toward crisis, or healing a relationship after a crisis will be useful to couples who want to look honestly at healing chronic hurts and improving the state of their relationship, and are ready for a system to help them.”—Publishers Weekly

"Instructional and enlightening..."—Kirkus Reviews

About the Author

John Gottman, PhD has written numerous academic articles and is the author or coauthor of forty books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. His breakthrough research on marriage and parenting that has earned him numerous major awards, including four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards. Currently a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, Gottman lives on Orcas Island, Washington.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

What Makes Love Last?

Introduction

Angel: I have something to say—

George: Hold on. I’m not finished.

Angel: What I am trying to say—

George: See and this is what I’m talking about—

Angel: Right, I know, because I do not—

George: You cut in—

Angel: I have to say something now—

George: No. Because when you cut in—

Angel: I have something to say here.

George: SHUT UP!

Angel and George were newlyweds juggling long work hours while raising two toddlers. That’s a situation tough enough to put pressure on any marriage, but you wouldn’t need a background in research psychology to recognize that this one was in trouble. The dialogue above is a snippet of the argument they had in my research lab. They sparred without end over who worked harder, who did more housework and who said what when. Angel and George, like many embattled couples, gave up on their marriage and divorced. This outcome was not unexpected considering how damaged their relationship was. When I met with them, they could barely look at each other without scowling and rolling their eyes.

For years I have invited couples like Angel and George to take part in experiments at my “Love Lab,” the media’s nickname for the facility at the University of Washington in Seattle, where I subject long-term romance to scientific scrutiny. In a typical study I analyze couples while they converse about everyday topics as well as when they argue. I interview them together and individually. I’ve even observed couples while they spend an entire day at the Love Lab’s studio apartment, which comes complete with sofa, loveseat, TV, kitchen, a lake view, and video cameras hooked to the walls, which record every moment of their interactions. (The bathroom, of course, is off limits.) Thanks to these studies, I have accumulated nearly four decades’ worth of data—a library of how and what partners say to and about each other, and their physiological reactions. These days I also conduct similar exercises with couples who are not part of any study but wish to receive a scientific assessment of their relationship’s staying power.

When couples like Angel and George enter the Love Lab, we hook them up to enough sensors and wires to elicit quips about Dr. Frankenstein. While they adjust to the equipment and their surroundings, information begins to stream from the sensors, indicating their blood velocities, heart and pulse rates, the amount their palms sweat, and even how much they squirm in their chairs. A video camera records all of their words and body movements. On the other side of a one-way mirror, my assistants, surrounded by equipment readouts, and the requisite collection of empty cola cans, scrutinize the subtle interplay between the couple’s biological reactions, body language, facial expressions, and words.

The most frequent experiment I conduct is called the conflict discussion, in which we ask the couple to converse about an area of disagreement for fifteen minutes. To facilitate the analysis of their facial expressions during their disputes, I train a separate video camera on each of them so I can view their faces in real time on a split screen.

It no longer surprises me when our couples are able to relax and “let it rip” despite the staring cameras. Still, I find that most people do curb their behavior in the lab compared to when they squabble at home. But even when partners are acting “camera ready,” they can’t hide from the accuracy of my sensors.

Close analysis of so many couples over the years led me to formulate seven key principles that can improve the odds of maintaining a positive relationship. Described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they emphasize the value of friendship between partners, accepting each other’s influence, and being gentle during disagreements. These fundamentals remain a powerful tool set for all relationships. But the sad fate of couples like Angel and George indicated to me that these principles did not reach deep enough to salvage many damaged romances. I could not accept that these partners were somehow fated to be losers at love. To aid these despairing couples, I needed to better understand what was going wrong between them.

Perhaps what puzzled me most about the unhappy couples I studied or counseled was their sincere insistence that they were deeply in love and committed to their relationship—even as they were ordering each other to “shut up” in the Love Lab. Why did so many self-proclaimed devoted couples engage in constant warfare? It made no sense. They derived no relationship benefits from their quarrels. They reported more distress over fighting than did happy couples—and yet they went at it more often.

It would be easy to assume that the unhappy couples argued more than others because, well, they disagreed more. What could be more logical? But as a scientist, I know that “obvious” conclusions are not always accurate. In my lab, computer scientist Dr. Tara Madyhastha helped me find the answer. To trace the anatomy of interactions between unhappy partners, she used what are called “hidden Markov models.” These types of computer analyses, often implemented to decode languages or DNA sequences, can detect underlying patterns. Her results indicated that couples who seem to act like adversaries rather than lovers are trapped by what is known, in technical terms, as an absorbing state of negativity. This means the probability that they will enter the state is greater than the odds that they will exit it. In other words, they get stuck. These unlucky partners are imprisoned in a roach motel for lovers: They check in, but they can’t check out. Consumed by negativity, their relationships die there.

Understanding why some couples wind up in this terrible trap while others are able to sidestep it has been at the heart of my recent research. As a result, I have developed a new understanding of couple dynamics and an enhanced approach to bettering all romantic relationships—not just the ones in distress.

If you listened to trapped couples argue in my lab, you would hear a litany of complaints that wouldn’t seem to have much in common. Tim grouses that Jane cares more about her mother’s opinion than his. Alexis keeps stalling on starting a family, to the frustration of her husband. Jimmy doesn’t like it that Pat wants to switch churches. But when I speak to these unhappy partners, I am struck by an underlying similarity. They are all talking (or shouting) past each other or not even bothering to communicate at all. Despite their commitment to sticking it out, they have lost something fundamental between lovers, a quality often termed “magic” or “passion,” that exists at a primitive, “animal” level. That’s why they end up in the roach motel.

I now know that a specific poison deprives couples of this precious “something” and drives them into relentless unhappiness. It is a noxious invader, arriving with great stealth, undermining a seemingly stable romance until it may be too late. You’ll think at first that I’m stating the obvious when I tell you that the name of this toxin is betrayal. I recognize that some of the harm wrought by betrayal is common knowledge. We face a constant onslaught of tabloid “gotcha!” stories about celebrities and politicians with sex addictions and broken marriage vows. These morality tales of distrust and disloyalty underline how common and devastating infidelity can be. Yet I have good reason for calling betrayal a “secret” relationship killer. The disloyalty is not always expressed through a sexual affair. It more often takes a form that couples do not recognize as infidelity. In my lab, partners will insist that despite their troubles they have been faithful to each other. But they are wrong. Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship—it is there even if the couple is unaware of it. If a husband always puts his career ahead of his relationship, that is betrayal. When a wife keeps breaking her promise to start a family, that is also betrayal. Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are also evidence of disloyalty and can lead to consequences as equally devastating as adultery.

Despite how dangerous and widespread betrayal is, I can offer couples hope. By analyzing the anatomy of this poison, I have figured out how to defeat it. I now know that there is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust. Once again it might sound like I’m trumpeting the obvious! Happy couples tell me all the time that mutual trust is what lets them feel safe with each other, deepens their love, and allows friendship and sexual intimacy to blossom. Unhappy partners complain that their relationship lacks this element. But all couples tend to think of trust as an intangible quality that can’t be pinned down or measured in a concrete way. In fact, it is now possible to calculate a couple’s trust and betrayal levels mathematically and subject them to scientific study. This new analytical approach allows me to identify a couple’s strengths and vulnerabilities, and to devise strategies that can rescue miserable relationships from the roach motel and keep others from going there.

In addition to benefitting couples, this new understanding of trust and betrayal has profound cultural implications. It has become commonplace for us to increase the complexity of our lives until we almost reach the breaking point. With our emails, cell phones, and intricate juggling of responsibilities, we live on the edge of a catastrophic stress response. We each have our own “carrying capacity” for stress and tend to pile it on till we come just shy of overload. Headlines that hawk “stress cures” are rife on the internet, on newsstands, and in bookstores. But I believe trust is the greatest stress buster of all.

In relationships where there is a high potential for betrayal, people waste time and emotional energy. Whether the fear concerns adultery or other faithlessness, suspicious people act like detectives or prosecuting attorneys, interrogating their partners, looking for verification that their insecurity is justified. Decision making becomes exhaustive and exhausting: If I go out of town, will he leave the kids with that babysitter I don’t trust? If I check her closet, am I going to find new clothes despite our austerity budget? Should I risk confrontation by checking out his story? One man who suspected his wife of cheating put chalk marks on her rear tires before he left for work one morning. Later, when he discovered that the chalk marks were no longer visible, indicating the car wheels had turned, he asked whether she had left the house. Forgetting about her morning dash to the post office, she said no. This prompted a jealous rage, which put both of their stress levels into hyperdrive.

In sharp contrast, trust removes an enormous source of stress because it allows you to act with incomplete information. You don’t subject your mind and body to constant worry, so the complexity of your decision making plummets. You don’t need to put chalk on tires or otherwise test your partner. Implicit trust saves you a lot of time and leaves you free to grapple with less tumultuous concerns.

I always strive to increase the understanding of long-term relationships and to help couples navigate their way to happier and healthier romance. Still, I know that not all relationships can, or should, survive betrayal. Even when a long-term partnership ends for good reason, the shattered faith in love can be devastating. The loss must be acknowledged and confronted before moving on. If you are recovering from a breakup, the findings and exercises in the pages ahead may offer a deeper understanding of what went wrong and help prepare you to try again with somebody new.

Charting a way forward after a deep wound is just as important as learning to make a relationship work. If your last relationship failed, you may fear trusting someone again. But this wariness can leave you vulnerable to lifelong and profound loneliness. This isolation has not only serious psychological repercussions but physical ones as well. By fine-tuning your radar for deception, this book can help you develop the courage, strength, and wisdom to search for a trustworthy partner.

Throughout my career I have met skeptics who do not believe that sensors, computers, video cameras, and other lab equipment can assess something as mysterious and seemingly indefinable as love. Of course, scientists cannot create a love potion or a solution to all relationship woes. But I can offer advice founded on objective data rather than unproven theory or just the subjective experience of a particular therapist. The pages that follow offer the fruit of my research. They explain why romances can fail for reasons that seem as elusive as love itself. I hope you’ll use my findings to protect a thriving relationship or to rescue one already in danger. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B0061Q640C
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster; Reprint edition (September 4, 2012)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ September 4, 2012
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 3071 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Print length ‏ : ‎ 305 pages
Lending ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled

Best Sellers Rank: #63,178 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #23 in Counseling & Psychology eBooks on Human Sexuality
- #64 in Divorce (Kindle Store)
- #70 in Medical Psychology of Sexuality

Customer Reviews:
1,004 ratings

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Nan Silver

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Nan Silver is an author, journalist and editor who specializes in parenting, relationships, psychology and health. With Dr. John Gottman, she is co-author of the newly released What Makes Love Last? as well as the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She is also the author of Rules for Parents, a collection of entertaining edicts about modern parenting. Amazon’s review concluded: “Silver maintains a witty, conversational tone that makes for a quick and memorable read. This Mommy could do a mean stand-up routine.” Her magazine credits include stints as editor-in-chief of Health magazine, contributing editor at Parents magazine and a wide assortment of feature articles and columns. She has been a married Mom and a single Mom and has two amazing kids who make her look like a better parent than she is (except when they don’t).

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Top reviews from the United States

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If you feel your relationship is in trouble...

Reviewed in the United States on March 2, 2017

Verified Purchase

Wow. It is probably too late for me, now. I had this book for months based on a recommendation and allowed it to collect dust. As I finally picked it up and read it, at the end of things, I realize what a mistake that was. So much of my relationship was in here and ways to work through it. I suggest if you feel yours is in trouble, get this book and work it!

68 people found this helpful

BETRAYAL AND TRUST

Reviewed in the United States on November 4, 2021

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I am a devotee of Dr. Gottman's work. My husband and I attended a weekend workshop in Seattle (15 yrs ago approx), I have read his books and listened to this one on CD in my car. I've listened over one hundred times to a tape about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling). I was delighted to find out that after years of research, Dr. Gottman arrived at the conclusion that underlying the Four Horseman was the issue of betrayal. Yes, finally, yes, I said to myself, that's it! That's why we respond and act the way we do in my marriage (which is on its way out by the way). It's all about trust.

Where this book goes wrong is this focus is forgotten. A chapter on sexual interest lists reasons your sex life might be going wrong including partners no longer feeling attractive as they age, and mismatched sex drives and FORGETS to mention BETRAYAL.

I have to say for myself and for my marriage that's the key. I started withdrawing years ago around repeated betrayals (his emotional affair, lies, etc.) but kept being sexually active with my husband, while trying to work as hard as I could on the way I expressed my hurt and anger. Nevertheless, as the betrayals (large and small) mounted, my sexual interest waned. There is nothing interesting sexually, for me at least, about someone who lies over and over again. The trust is not there to create that intimacy, or to keep it.

When the focus on betrayal is lost in this book, we lose the answer Dr. Gottman so adroitly presents with tremendous clarity in the beginning. Not understanding how trust and repeated betrayals impact every fiber of a complex marital relationship, and all the ways the marriage begins to break down, the book stops short and veers off on ultimately confusing tangents.

All you have to do is watch Divorce Court to see that betrayal is the number one issue for married (and unmarried couples). That's not scientific, but it seems to be true.

Thank God for Dr. Gottman and for all the work he has done in his field. But the book forgets his central focus, which is what the research has shown over the years. And I notice in my old tape as well. If he loses track, forgets to keep the focus on what the research shows, and instead gives opinions, we are lost as the audience -- and we are off track in terms of finding solutions for our marriages.

There is no excuse, by the way, for cheating, whether the partner is emotionally expressive or not, and there are pages where Dr. Gottman seems to make excuses for a cheating partner before he rounds the corner, zeroing in on betrayal as destructive for marriages. (I refer you to the story of the man who fell for a redhead at a coffee bar.)

Also, I just have to add, the narrator of the book on CD has the wrong tone for this book. I could barely finish the book on CD when I listened to it, and I adore listening to books as I drive. I have not had this experience listening to any other book.

36 people found this helpful

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Favorite Couples Book

Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2017

Verified Purchase

I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and this is one of my favorite books, and certainly one of the best couples books I've read. The suggestions are simple, and based on years of research. I have given this book to people I know who are struggling in their relationships.

43 people found this helpful

Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2019

Verified Purchase

I read a lot of relationship psychology books and this book is amazing. The best part is that it's not just someone's opinion, its theories are backed up by a lot of data and many experiments with real couples. Definitely worth the read if you want to improve your marriage.

14 people found this helpful

Discovery for All with "What Makes Love Last?"

Reviewed in the United States on April 22, 2017

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"What Makes Love Last?" really opened my eyes, the quizzes helped me to assess and evaluate where my relationship is and he uses study cases to allow you great perspective/understanding. Gottman gives great coaching/guidance on how to evaluate & handle situations in your love relationship and how you can work through them. The stories and examples really help to give a great understanding of what concepts, situations and resolutions are to come from the word of his work. I definitely would recommend this to anyone - even if everything is "perfect" and/or someone or couple is not in the best place in their relationship, there are great things to discover by reading this book.

17 people found this helpful

Excellent, extremely insightful book

Reviewed in the United States on August 4, 2020

Verified Purchase

To be honest, it's the most down-to-earth, actionnable and rigorous book on the relationship that I've ever read. While it has its shortcomings, both from a strict scientific point of view (game theory analysis for instance is a bit far-fetched), as well as from the point of view of opinions (for instance porn sections suggests that the author lacks any familiarity with bdsm or other non-vanilla sexuality), the overall impact is overwhelmingly good.

Go ahead and read this book if you still haven't - it's really quite something.

4 people found this helpful

Like a blueprint for building a solid relationship

Reviewed in the United States on December 22, 2021

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I'm ashamed to say that I'm a divorced man in my 40's, and I spent more time and attention to manuals about fixing things in my house than I did in my own marriage. I am resolved not to be involved in an unhealthy relationship again, and this book is a godsend in my new relationship. It gets down into the specifics to help me understand what went wrong in my prior relationships and helps her and I move forward in a different and healthier direction. Highly recommended.

One person found this helpful

Amazing. Truly I believe everyone should read this.

Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2021

Verified Purchase

Listen to the reviews! This book mixes the perfect amount of science and research into emotional healing between you and your partner. I recommend this book to almost everyone I can because it truly does have that much insight. If you truly want to save a marriage, or even better yourself in a new relationship, read this!!!! I read this after proposing to my fiancé and got a lot out of it. It helped me shape my relationship for the future and recognize where and how things can go south quickly. LOVE THIS BOOK.

Top reviews from other countries

nemeth zsofi

Best book on relationships, honestly, buy it!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 19, 2021

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Okay honestly, I would like to reflect on the review below here that says it’s about trust, ‘big deal’. Yes it is about trust, based on research and a scientific method that helps couples to untangle their emotional troubles. And yes it is largely based on their trust level. I am a psychology student, and I despise self proclaimed life coaches, and authors with no degree in the field of psychology, and finally here is Dr Gottman, with 40 years + experience, his theory is based on research, tested and was proven effective. Even if you are single, please please order this book, I have benefited from what’s in it greatly. It teaches you how to cope with disagreements, unresolved traumas, how to build a long lasting relationship, and so much more. I only wish I had read it sooner when it came out. It’s easily understandable, logical and clear. It has tests, step by step guides, and real life arguments between couples you can learn from with comments of the author, pointing out important parts. Honestly, if there is one book on relationships you will read, please please choose this one!

5 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

Excellent book for couples that could be life-changing

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 26, 2020

Verified Purchase

Superb couple's therapy book by Gottman. Highly readable, extremely well explained. Not overly complicated but very well backed by scientific research. This book could be a game changer for a couple struggling with their relationship and are willing to shift their behavior and perspective. Would highly recommend

Mr G.

Excellent demystification of a complex and nuanced topic.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 10, 2019

Verified Purchase

I found this book spoke to me very deeply considering I was betrayed for many years.

3 people found this helpful

Wendles

A big help

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 26, 2018

Verified Purchase

Excellent, sensitive, helpful, practical and humane

Dona-Cristina Barcu

Five Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 20, 2017

Verified Purchase

Very, very helpful. You must read it.

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John Gottman
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John Gottman
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John M. Gottman
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John Gottman
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John Gottman Ph.D.
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