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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships Paperback – July 21, 2009
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“Gets to the heart of the matter…a fascinating and insightful read.” ―Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of Prime
“Offers some helpful--and sometimes surprising--advice.” ―Time
“A wise and welcome addition to the self-help literature on infidelity.” ―Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, author of After the Affair
From the Back Cover
"If you've found yourself caught up in a love triangle, from any angle, Kirshenbaum provides an indispensable guide to what the person in two relationships is dealing with. If you are that person, this book will save you from a world of misery and help you do what's best for everyone. If you're the spouse or lover, this is a necessary guide to help you survive and thrive in the face of what you are really dealing with."--Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., author of "Five Wishes" and co-author, with Kathlyn Hendricks, of "Conscious Loving"
"The first practical, non-judgmental solution to infidelity. Kirshenbaum's ability to bring clarity out of a deeply confusing issue is amazing. This book is a must read for the 50% of Americans whose lives have been affected by infidelity. It could save many relationships."--Val Jones, Senior Medical Director of RevolutionHealth.com, and author of the blog "Dr. Val and the Voice of Reason"
Top Customer Reviews
The book is comprehensive but spends most of its time helping you figure out who is right for you, the primary partner or the affair partner. I think this section is outstanding, and Mira tackles a subject that few if any other authors have ever dared approach. While it is very helpful (she has found a way to compare apples to oranges!!!), I think one of the things left out (probably because it is so individual) is transaction costs. What I mean is even if you figure out (with Mira's techniques) that the "affair" partner is better for you, you still have to go through a divorce, split up money and assets, give up at least 1/2 of the time with your children, lose many of your friends, move out of the house, start your life over from scratch etc etc. How do you factor that in? How MUCH better does the affair partner have to be to justify this upheaval?Read more ›
I want to say why this book is so good, but first I have to comment on Jillian C. "Qbridge"'s incredibly irresponsible review. Jillian has obviously not read the book, nor does she seem to have any experience actually helping people who are trying to deal with an affair, nor does she seem to be interested in helping people put their lives together after an affair. If she'd read the book, she'd have seen how Kirshenbaum clearly says you should not have an affair. But you do NOT help people who've been affected by an affair by labeling the cheater as "bad." Why would any wife want to heal her marriage if her husband is by definition "bad"? Does Jillian want every couple touched by an affair to get a divorce? Yes, the deed is a hurtful mistake, and Kirshenbaum goes to great lengths to show how, if there is going to be any hope of healing, the cheater has to show that he truly understands the pain and damage he's caused. That's the kind of thing in the REAL book, not Jillian's fantasy. It was careless and dishonest for Jillian to review the words of the title and not read or review the real book.
In reality, Kirshenbaum devotes many chapters to showing how to heal a marriage after it's been damaged by an affair, and this is the best help of its kind I've seen.
Another thing Kirshenbaum does that I've never seen before and is incredibly helpful is show that there are 17 different kinds of affairs. Each one grows out of a different need. Each one means something completely different.Read more ›
My problem is with the chapters on how a spouse involved in an affair should determine whether to stay with the marriage partner, or leave the marriage for the affair partner. These chapters presume that the affair partner is thinking clearly and rationally. It has been my experience and the experience of many others that this is simply not the case.
An affair is a fantasy relationship built on conditional love. Any conversation topic or activity that would undermine the fantasy is avoided. Add to this the lies the spouse involved in the affair has told him or herself, and others, to rationalize their involvement in the affair. All combined, there is no way in which the person having an affair can accurately asess which partner they are truly happier with, which partner is the "better" partner, or is meeting their needs.
Many participants find their involvement with an affair to be addictive. Until the participants break this addiction and the accompanying rationalizations, there is simply no way for them to make an informed decision about returning to the marriage or leaving it for the affair partner. To do otherwise is akin to having a drug or alcohol addict make decisions on further drug or alcohol use while under the influence.
Most of all, I saw that there were many reasons why people cheat, and most of them DON'T mean that your marriage is over. And I saw what the work was that my husband and I needed to do to put our marriage together. My husband and I have talked almost nonstop for the last two days. It's been pretty intense. But Myra Kirschenbaum's book has given me, given both of us really, the hope and understanding to work at healing our marriage.
This is one of those books that can save your life. I am so grateful for it.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Great advice for the most part, sometimes seemed a little harsh.Published 5 days ago by Amazon Customer
Lost me at telling readers that she does not encourage them to disclose the affair. I returned for a refund. That is some of the worst advice I've ever seen. Read morePublished 1 month ago by Rose
Great insight on how affairs happen - a non-condemning, realistic analysis and how to move forward once an affair has occurred. Read morePublished 4 months ago by Matt F.
I only read through the preview, but I found it revolting. This person is intoxicated on the Kool-Aid. Read morePublished 5 months ago by kanzz
This book was good because it humanizes the one having the affair and shows their conflict.Published 8 months ago by Amazon Customer
This book was very helpful to me. Identifying the types of affairs allowed me to know that I am not alone in my experience and thoughts. Read morePublished 9 months ago by Amazon Customer