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Stella O'Malley
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When Kids Say They're Trans: A Guide for Parents Kindle Edition

by Sasha Ayad (Author), Lisa Marchiano (Author), Stella O'Malley (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.6 out of 5 stars 116 ratings
Being the parent of a gender-questioning child is confusing. You want to do what's best for your child, but doctors and therapists might make recommendations that conflict with your instincts as a parent, the person who best knows your child's unique history, challenges and struggles. Do you immediately affirm a newly professed gender identity, watch and wait, or pursue some other path? While many books have been written for parents who choose to facilitate their child's gender transition, there are almost no books for parents who do not think that social or medical transition is the best option for their child. Written by Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano and Stella O'Malley – three mental health professionals who collectively have decades of experience working with trans-identified adolescents and their families – When Kids Say They're Trans is a resource designed explicitly for those parents who do not think that hasty affirmation or medicalization is the best way to ensure the long-term health and well-being of their child. It is also for those who simply aren't so sure about the best course of action and want to learn the facts before committing to a particular approach. At a time when schools, institutions and governments increasingly promote ideas about gender that confuse children and even encourage kids to keep secrets from their parents, the authors celebrate parental love and engagement as the bedrock that children need to move out into the world. As the authors make clear, parents who have successfully helped their children navigate gender distress without resorting to surgery and hormones have done so by actively taking the reins – not by reflexively outsourcing this responsibility or waiting until they found the ideal therapist or doctor. When Kids Say They're Trans tells you all you need to know as a parent to help your child struggling with gender issues – and will give you the confidence to trust your own instincts as you guide and support your child on the path toward growth, acceptance and maturity.
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  1. Print length
    380 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Pitchstone Publishing
  4. Accessibility
    Learn more
  5. Publication date
    September 7, 2023
  6. File size
    1.5 MB
  7. Page Flip
    Enabled
  8. Word Wise
    Enabled
  9. Enhanced typesetting
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Editorial Reviews

Review

‘Brilliant, compassionate, and wise beyond measure, therapists Marchiano, Ayad, and O'Malley provided a haven of understanding and calm support for me after my child announced a trans identity. Their insights helped me regain my parental footing and helped our family stay connected through a very challenging time. What a gift to have their insight and expertise available!' - Kate Parker, parent and library director

‘Sasha, Stella, and Lisa bring enormous warmth, insight, and intelligence to the care of troubled children and teenagers. This book is essential reading for all parents and professionals supporting young people struggling with the issue of gender identity’ - Louise Perry

'A wise and empathic resource for parents struggling with intensely difficult parenting terrain, based on the authors’ extensive expertise as therapists for gender-dysphoric youth. A godsend for lonely and anguished parents trying to do the best for their trans-identified child' Kathleen Stock, author of Material Girls

‘Parents of children who announce a transgender identity often find themselves in a world of confusion and contradiction. These brilliant, clear-eyed authors – all with extensive clinical experience – have written the emergency survival guide for families’ - Abigail Shrier, author of Irreversible Damage: Teenage Girls and the Transgender Craze

‘There is perhaps no subject today that is more complicated, fraught, and confusing than the sudden rise in gender dysphoria among young people. Parents encountering this issue for the first time will be hit with a tidal wave of conflicting opinions, theories, and “experts” that, however well-meaning, are guided by an incoherent and potentially harmful ideology. The book could not have come soon enough. Its authors are leading figures in the effort to bring sense and rationality to the conversation. Moreover, they are experienced clinicians who understand that gender dysphoric youth deserve meaningful psychotherapeutic treatment, not blind approbation on the internet. For any parent embarking on the gender journey, Is My Child Trans? should be the first stop along the way’ - Meghan Daum, host of The Unspeakable Podcast and author of The Problem With Everything: My Journey Through The New Culture Wars

About the Author

Sasha Ayad is a licensed professional counselor in private practice who works with teens and young adults struggling with issues of gender dysphoria and gender identity. She also runs a robust parent coaching membership group to help parents navigate their child's identity exploration with discernment, wisdom, and compassion. Sasha is cohost of the podcast Gender: A Wider Lens. Lisa Marchiano is a licensed clinical social worker and a certified Jungian analyst. She consults with parents of trans-identifying teens and detransitioners and is the author of Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Stella O’ Malley is a psychotherapist and best-selling author whose work focuses on teenagers, parenting, and family dynamics. In addition to facilitating a parent coaching site that provides practical help to parents who are navigating their child’s gender-related distress, she is the cohost of Gender: A Wider Lens podcast and director of Genspect, an international organization that offers a healthy approach to sex and gender.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B0CG6S677B
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Pitchstone Publishing
  • Accessibility ‏ : ‎ Learn more
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ September 7, 2023
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 1.5 MB
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 380 pages
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1634312493
  • Page Flip ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 out of 5 stars 116 ratings

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Stella O'Malley

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Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
116 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find this book to be a definitive guide on the topic, well-researched, and compassionate. They appreciate the writing quality, with one customer noting it is well-written.

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16 customers mention "Knowledge level"16 positive0 negative

Customers find this book to be a well-researched and definitive guide on the topic, with one customer noting its caring approach to addressing difficult subject matter.

"...This book is a valuable resource for parents who are willing to consider a multi-dimensional model to helping their child." Read more

"...offers concrete strategies for parents and families to talk and support their kids who are suffering very real distress as they try to understand..." Read more

"...This book offers wisdom and support to parents who have been thrown (often very suddenly) into the most confusing and complicated situation...." Read more

"...intended audience is the parents of such children, and they are very encouraging and empowering to this audience...." Read more

8 customers mention "Compassion"8 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the compassionate and thoughtful approach of the book, with one customer noting its holistic perspective.

"The authors are thorough, thoughtful and caring in addressing a difficult subject matter...." Read more

"...This book's well-researched, well-written, thoughtful and extremely detailed approach has already helped us guide our child to a much better state..." Read more

"...The authors demonstrate compassionate. They offer an alternative approach to medicalizing kids...." Read more

"A compassionate, sensible guide on the issue. I highlighted so much of the book that it’s basically yellow...." Read more

4 customers mention "Writing quality"4 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the writing quality of the book, with one noting it is well-qualified and concise.

"...The advice is clear and concise, and the authors have a wealth of experience dealing with families like mine...." Read more

"...This book is very thorough and well done. I cannot recommend it enough." Read more

"...This book's well-researched, well-written, thoughtful and extremely detailed approach has already helped us guide our child to a much better state..." Read more

"...All of the authors are well qualified and experienced, they approach the topic with compassion and care...." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • MJ in SLC
    5.0 out of 5 stars Brave and compassionate
    Reviewed in the United States on September 11, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    As a parent of a transgender child, I believe that I understand the current discourse regarding children who question their gender. It goes like this. Your child has a gender identity that may not match their sex-assigned-at-birth. If your child’s sex-assigned-at-birth is causing them distress, the only compassionate thing to do is to affirm their gender identity, which will frequently include medicalized treatment such as puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, and surgery. If you do not affirm your child’s gender identity, it is highly likely (almost certain, some will say) that your child will be miserable for the rest of their life; and the risk is high that your child may commit suicide.

    This book bravely re-examines the current discourse in light of the authors’ lived experience helping parents of children who question their gender. The book presumes that these children are multi-dimensional, not one-dimensional. Consequently, it explores alternate solutions for helping these children.

    In my opinion, the multi-dimensional approach used in this book is more compassionate than the one-dimensional approach. It does not foreclose affirming your child’s gender identity; it simply offers alternatives to consider. This book is a valuable resource for parents who are willing to consider a multi-dimensional model to helping their child.
    56 people found this helpful
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  • FighterMom
    5.0 out of 5 stars BEST Book to Help Families Navigate Complicated Time
    Reviewed in the United States on November 27, 2023
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    THIS is the book that parents all over the world need! When your son or daughter gets caught up in the gender trend and declares that they are trans, it's a terrifying time for the parents and indeed, the whole family. I felt sick with worry for my vulnerable daughter and wondered where we had gone wrong as a family that she hated herself so much. This trans movement is insidious and makes young people believe lies about changing their sex as a path to solving their mental health problems.
    This book offers concrete strategies for parents and families to talk and support their kids who are suffering very real distress as they try to understand their identity.
    "When Kids Say They're Trans" (and the authors' podcast "Gender: A Wider Lens") offers hope, guidance, comfort and counsel. We have a long way to go to get through this social contagion and medical scandal that is the trans craze but this book is a positive step to help young people accept themselves and build a healthy future.
    30 people found this helpful
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  • Meredith W.
    5.0 out of 5 stars So much wisdom here
    Reviewed in the United States on November 1, 2023
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    This is the book I desperately needed when my child announced a trans identity. All the resources I could find at the time told to ignore my instincts and become a cheerleader and facilitator of transition. What I actually needed was someone to remind me that I have a deep and strong connection to my child. That I DO understand and appreciate my child more than anyone else. And then I needed some practical guidance on how to stay connected and engaged with her. This book offers wisdom and support to parents who have been thrown (often very suddenly) into the most confusing and complicated situation. The advice is clear and concise, and the authors have a wealth of experience dealing with families like mine. It’s a must-buy for any family dealing with gender-related distress.
    30 people found this helpful
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  • LMBV
    5.0 out of 5 stars caring alternative to affirmation only perspective
    Reviewed in the United States on September 14, 2023
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    The authors are thorough, thoughtful and caring in addressing a difficult subject matter. They offer a more holistic and healthy approach to dealing with gender diverse kids. The intended audience is the parents of such children, and they are very encouraging and empowering to this audience. I fortunately do not have personal experience with this, but I found the consistent theme of "you know and love your kids better than anyone, you can do this!" to be very encouraging in my own parenting struggles and doubts. I hope many will read this and that as a result, many children will be saved from the many harms of "gender-affirming care". More importantly, I hope that many children will be guided into place of self-acceptance and lifelong health, happiness and wellness.
    44 people found this helpful
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  • Jackalynn R. Lopez
    5.0 out of 5 stars If you only buy one book on this topic this is the one to get.
    Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2023
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    There's a lot of information out there and it can be confusing. Let me tell you if you're not sure where to start this book is it. I've read probably about 10 books now and counting not including substacks and listening to podcasts. Even if you've already read other books you need to have this one. I downloaded it as an audiobook and then bought the physical copy to use as reference when needed. Buy extra copies so that you can give to friends family or even doctors, therapists, teachers and school counselors, who may not have been properly informed on what's going on with our kids these days. This book is very thorough and well done. I cannot recommend it enough.
    22 people found this helpful
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  • Mark R
    5.0 out of 5 stars An Indispensable Guide for You to Help Your Child
    Reviewed in the United States on November 27, 2023
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    If you're looking to help a loved one to safely, successfully and happily navigate their trans identity. This book's well-researched, well-written, thoughtful and extremely detailed approach has already helped us guide our child to a much better state of mental health. The authors' deep subject knowledge, much of it acquired via direct contact with trans identifiers of all ages, their parents and subject matter experts, shines through in what I believe is the definitive guide on the topic.
    13 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • Sharon Lee Cowan
    5.0 out of 5 stars 'Must' reading for all parents of minor-aged children
    Reviewed in Italy on February 17, 2024
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    The two therapists who wrote this book are among the most experienced and best informed of all professionals working in this field. They bring facts and clinical experience to the table. And voices of sanity in a crazy world. Read this, along with Abigal Shrier's book, "Irreversible Damage".
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  • GB
    5.0 out of 5 stars A thoughtful and practical guide
    Reviewed in Canada on November 8, 2023
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    This book is a much-needed, thoughtful, and practical guide of what to do when your child announces a trans identity. It is particularly helpful for a sudden/out-of-the-blue announcement with no prior history of gender dysphoria or non-conformity, but also helps with other situations too. It is helpful to parents who know that the affirmation-only, highly medicalized approach is increasingly being scrutinized internationally, with countries like Finland, Sweden, Denmark ,Norway and the UK restricting medicalization under age 18 after doing systematic evidence reviews that sadly Canada refuses to do. For those who want to help their kids alleviate gender distress, this is a great and sorely needed alternative to pretty else you'll be told in Canada. It recognizes the immense distress of detransitioners and acknowledges that many gender-distressed young people are actually gay and/or have other comorbidities.
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  • Mrs S McDonnell
    5.0 out of 5 stars an excellent handbook
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 8, 2023
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    This book is explicitly pro parent, which may be why it’s upset some reviewers. I’ve read the book, and there is nothing transphobic in it; it might not be to everyone’s taste, but it is not in any way hateful. If you want to disagree with it, that’s fine, but it’s a mine of facts which are well evidenced, and advice based on them.

    In particular, it has helpful sections for parents covering a lot of background that is familiar to those who are enmeshed in the war raging over this, but which might pass parents by who have more normal lives - at least until the bombshell of a child saying they’re trans explodes. There is a brief history, a clear explanation of how this became such a contentious issue, and a very useful glossary. It’s a great primer.

    Among other things, there’s a section on approaching gender non conformity, one on dealing with conflict, and very useful sections on desistance, detransition, and, sadly, parental estrangement. This makes it a useful handbook for parents who try to navigate their way through one of the most stressful things that can happen to a family.

    Far from being a conversion therapy manual, it is about helping your child to be certain, finding space away from emotive discourse to examine feelings that could, if affirmed, have lifelong consequences, including transing a gay or lesbian teenager into a facsimile of a straight adult. It is particularly clear about the consequences of social transition, often seen as benign.

    Some people might see crossover with Shrier’s Irreversible Damage, but this is far less polemic. It is a practical, sympathetic guide, as would be expected from three authors who are experienced therapists.

    In short, even if in the end you decide transition seems right for your child, or they transition anyway, this book will help you.
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  • Else Jane
    1.0 out of 5 stars Great product. Order it from another platform
    Reviewed in Australia on July 6, 2024
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    The product is great but order it elsewhere. This was left outside, in a visible place at 8pm. It was a miracle it wasn't stolen overnight.
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  • emi shehu
    5.0 out of 5 stars It is very helpful for parents but and psychotherapists.
    Reviewed in Germany on March 27, 2024
    Verified Purchase
    The book was very good one. As a parent I recommend everyone. I have believed everything reading on internet, but I recommend now to read book from specialists of the field. Do not believe everything is said on online media, articles and studies from this University or other. This is a book for parents who want to grow up healthy children and for this is needed time to pass with children and it is really hard if you want to succeed good things and changes to your child. As a mother of an Asperger's syndrome child I found very helpful. I thank really the authors that has brought another aproach to help parents of these children. No hormon therapy, no chirurgical intervention etc. I have always read some myths like "Wrong brain in wrong body" or "If you do not support and give everything they want these children they will sucide" but no support is another thing and satisfy every their desire are not same thing. I think all parents have to be strong and psychotherapists have to be helpful to fight together this pandemia, which is destroying our children and our families.
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