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![When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by [Chuck DeGroat, Richard J. Mouw]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51mLk-Vo8JL._SY346_.jpg)
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- 2021 Christian Book Award® program - Ministry Resources
- 2021 Outreach Resource of the Year - Counseling and Relationships
Why does narcissism seem to thrive in our churches?
We've seen the news stories and heard the rumors. Maybe we ourselves have been hurt by a narcissistic church leader. It's easy to throw the term around and diagnose others from afar. But what is narcissism, really? And how does it infiltrate the church?
Chuck DeGroat has been counseling pastors with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as those wounded by narcissistic leaders and systems, for over twenty years. He knows firsthand the devastation narcissism leaves in its wake and how insidious and painful it is. In When Narcissism Comes to Church, DeGroat takes a close look at narcissism, not only in ministry leaders but also in church systems. He offers compassion and hope for those affected by its destructive power and imparts wise counsel for churches looking to heal from its systemic effects.
DeGroat also offers hope for narcissists themselves―not by any shortcut, but by the long, slow road of genuine recovery, possible only through repentance and trust in the humble gospel of Jesus.
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherIVP
- Publication dateMarch 17, 2020
- File size3795 KB
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Since 1947, InterVarsity Press (IVP) has been publishing thoughtful Christian books that shape both the lives of readers and the cultures they inhabit. Throughout these seventy-five years, our books and authors have established a legacy of speaking boldly into important cultural moments, providing timeless tools for spiritual growth, and equipping Christians for a vibrant life of faith.
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Editorial Reviews
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"For far too long the evangelical church in America has nurtured and supported narcissism in our leadership. The addiction to platforms, influence, new ideas, as well as unbiblical definitions of leadership, authority, and power has sustained a structure that dehumanizes our leaders and exploits God's people. When Narcissism Comes to Church is an important book in a season when we must ask deeper questions of the very structure, metrics, motivations, and means to the work we set out to do in the name of Christ. Dr. DeGroat does not merely point a finger at narcissistic leaders, but asks us to consider these individuals in our church as fruit of a more fundamental problem in the American church. May we have ears to hear, humility to repent, and courage to respond."
-- Dennae Pierre, director, City to City North America, Surge Network leadership team"Hiring (marrying, working with or for, being pastored by) a narcissist is like building a home in an alluvial plain. The ground is gorgeous but in due season the flood will devour all you have worked so hard to create. Chuck DeGroat pierces the glittering image of narcissism and brilliantly exposes the inner workings of an empty, shame-filled heart and the devastating consequences of Christians being so drawn to narcissists in the church and in politics. This is a landmark work, full of wisdom, tenderness, honor, and hope. If we want to offer a narcissistic culture hope in the gospel, we must tend to the narcissism deeply embedded in our own believing community. This is a profound call for a radical culture shift―truly a must-read."
-- Dan B. Allender, professor of counseling psychology and founding president of the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, author of The Wounded Heart and Healing the Wounded Heart"In the work of the soul, we name things to tame things. And there is nothing that is more in need of taming than the rampant narcissism that is not just a part of our cultural landscape but is hiding in plain sight in my own life. With When Narcissism Comes to Church, Chuck DeGroat unflinchingly names the subject for the leviathan it is, while offering hope in real, embodied stories of redemption. Comprehensive in scope, accessible in application, and generously kind in spirit, this book will provide pastor and laity alike the wisdom and courage that is necessary for the healing and recommissioning of the church's soul for years to come."
-- Curt Thompson, psychiatrist, author of The Soul of Shame and Anatomy of the Soul"I am grateful that Chuck DeGroat wrote this book. He is the best person I could imagine to write it and the person I would want as a guide on this issue. Chuck has a wealth of wisdom to offer as he has counseled those with narcissistic personality disorder as well as the those deeply wounded by narcissistic leaders. This book is filled with compassion for both narcissists and those affected by the destructive power of narcissism."
-- Justin S. Holcomb, Episcopal priest, seminary professor, and coauthor of Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault"If you wonder why family and friends have left the church or why you often feel more lost than found when you step into the sanctuary, this book is for you. Whether you're the pastor or the parishioner, Chuck DeGroat, asks the stark-raving honest questions about church and church leadership that most of us are afraid to voice, even though they simmer in our hearts and leave us hot with confusion and emptiness. This book will not challenge you to pick up stones and throw them through stained-glass windows, but it will engage you to look within and find your true North Star to follow through the wilderness of church to an authentic spirituality of living, serving, worshipping, inviting, and communing in love tethered to something far greater than our small denominations, building programs, or evangelism crusades―to Someone far greater than ourselves."
-- Sharon A. Hersh, therapist and author of The Last Addiction: Why Self-Help is Not"Why are we just beginning to talk about narcissism in our spiritual leaders? Chuck DeGroat believes it is because we have been rewarding it in our churches. He is powerfully and painfully right! More than just calling out narcissism, DeGroat skillfully unpacks how it shows up in leaders of large and small churches, beloved Christian celebrities, and seemingly godly men and women. When Narcissism Comes to Church peels back the layers, ever so carefully on our 'real selves.' We need this pastoral-surgical work. Trust the sage guidance offered by Chuck DeGroat, taking us through our illusions into the healing our souls and systems desperately need."
-- Dan White Jr., author of Love Over Fear, cofounder of the Praxis Gathering"I don't even want to venture a guess as to why I was asked to endorse this book. Chuck DeGroat's latest feels like 'a double-edged sword. It penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.' Chuck handles his pastoral scalpel with surgical precision, cutting, stripping, and trimming where I need it the most."
-- Tim Blackmon, chaplain, Wheaton College"If you, like so many, have been lured in by the shiny veneer of narcissism only to be left shattered, confused, and filled with shame, you will find help in these pages. In When Narcissism Comes to Church, Chuck DeGroat nimbly pulls back the veil―exposing the many faces of narcissism and helping us see what lies underneath. Drawing on decades of experience, DeGroat writes with honesty, wisdom, and compassion, providing help for the wounded and hope for the church."
-- Alison Cook, therapist and coauthor of Boundaries for Your Soul"A book on this topic is desperately needed right now. But more than that, we need a deeply thoughtful treatise on this subject that also points a healthy way forward. This is that book. Every one of us can learn something from Chuck's words, but more importantly we can gain the courage needed to face this destructive force in our churches."
-- Nancy Ortberg, CEO of Transforming the Bay with Christ"When Narcissism Comes to Church proves what many of us have known for years―that Chuck DeGroat is a skilled surgeon of the soul. His newest book―twenty years in the making―is the definitive 'surgical text' for diagnosing and treating the soul of narcissistic leaders. Layer upon layer, he deftly reveals how narcissism develops, why it's so prevalent in church leadership, and how it traumatizes church communities. The greatest gift of this book, however, is that as DeGroat skillfully exposes the primal wound far below the surface of narcissism, he gently helps each one of us see the pain and wounding in our own soul. Not since Henri Nouwen's classic book The Wounded Healer have I encountered such an essential book on leadership."
-- Michael John Cusick, founder and CEO of Restoring the Soul, author of Surfing for God"When Narcissism Comes to Church excellently articulates God's gracious call to come back to the way, the truth, and the life. Through experience and with expertise, Chuck DeGroat guides us through the darkness of our self-obsessed culture. The light of this book helpfully exposes sickness that exists in much of our church leadership. May God use this work to lead us to repentance."
-- Tyler Johnson, lead pastor of Redemption Church Arizona"Reading this book, you begin to realize that DeGroat's work and diagnosis come from years of having his stethoscope on the church's pulse. He proves to be a seasoned churchman―understanding and working within churches, seminaries, denominations, and networks―but also a competent spiritual director in leading us toward healing."
-- John Starke, lead pastor of Apostles Church Uptown in New York City, author of The Possibility of Prayer --This text refers to the hardcover edition.Review
"Reading this book, you begin to realize that DeGroat's work and diagnosis come from years of having his stethoscope on the church's pulse. He proves to be a seasoned churchman―understanding and working within churches, seminaries, denominations, and networks―but also a competent spiritual director in leading us toward healing."
-- John Starke, lead pastor of Apostles Church Uptown in New York City, author of The Possibility of Prayer --This text refers to the hardcover edition.About the Author
Chuck DeGroat (LPC, PhD) is professor of pastoral care and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Holland, Michigan, and senior fellow at Newbigin House of Studies in San Francisco. He served as a pastor at churches in Orlando and San Francisco and founded two church-based counseling centers. He is a licensed therapist, spiritual director, and the author of Toughest People to Love and Wholeheartedness.
--This text refers to the hardcover edition.Product details
- ASIN : B07ZG79HHF
- Publisher : IVP (March 17, 2020)
- Publication date : March 17, 2020
- Language : English
- File size : 3795 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Sticky notes : On Kindle Scribe
- Print length : 192 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 1514005093
- Best Sellers Rank: #136,229 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Chuck DeGroat is Professor of Pastoral Care and Christian Spirituality at Western Theological Seminary, MI, and a faculty member of the Soul Care Institute. He is an author, speaker, consultant, pastor, and therapist. Chuck is married to Sara and has two daughters. He can be found at www.chuckdegroat.net
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I purchased the book and devoured it when it arrived. DeGroat is professor of pastoral care and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Holland, Michigan. He’s served as a pastor at churches in Orlando and San Francisco. He is a licensed therapist, a spiritual director, and had been an assessor of church planters.
As a trainer of church planters for the North American Mission Board, I quickly noted that page after page referenced church planters and planter assessments. I counted over 20 references to church planting. DeGroat writes, “I am convinced that the missional fervor and rise in church planting we’ve witnessed since the 1980s can be correlated with a growing prevalence of narcissism. Nowhere have I seen the narcissism-shame dynamic more pronounced than among church planters, some of whom have become megachurch pastors. Some church planting assessments I’ve seen practically invite narcissistic leadership. My work in this area as a therapist, pastor, consultant, psychological assessor, and professor over many years persuades me that the narcissism in many young men in particular is baptized as spiritual giftedness in a way that does great disservice to them and ignores deep wells of shame and fragility lurking within” (p. 8).
In our passion to see the Kingdom advance, souls saved, and churches planted, we often look for “first round draft picks” to plant our churches. In the process, we unwittingly promote addictive and destructive behaviors by applauding the ministries of our most successful planters. Could it be that when we build out the schedule for our “how to plant a church” conferences we sometimes actually put our most narcissistic leaders front and center? DeGroat says, “When I started doing psychological assessments for pastors and church planters, I saw that narcissistic traits were often presented as strengths. Narcissism can be interpreted as confidence, strong leadership, clear vision, a thick skin… A colleague of mine often says that ministry is a magnet for a narcissistic personality – who else would want to speak on behalf of God every week” (p. 19)?
Church planting is especially attractive to people with narcissistic tendencies. When a church planter starts a church, he is at the center of attention. Then, as the church grows, he can created systems and structures that protect and feed narcissistic tendencies. DeGroat writes, “In my own work, which includes fifteen years of psychological testing on pastors, the vast majority of ministerial candidates test on the spectrum of cluster B DSM-V personality disorders, which feature narcissistic traits most prominently... The rates are even higher among church planters” (p. 19).
The reason this is so important to address is because church planters who do not see their narcissistic tendencies and deal with them will end up doing great damage to themselves, to their families, to their followers, and to the Kingdom cause. DeGroat observes, “Narcissistic pastors are anxious and insecure shepherds who do not lead the sheep to still waters but into hurricane winds. I’ve attended and spoken at dozens of pastor’s conferences and I see this anxiety abuzz in the comparison and competition, the showmanship and dress, the addiction to substances and fitness and social media and approval” (p. 20).
As I read the book, I listed 15 Traits of Narcissistic Church Planters...
1. An anxious, hyper-vigilant leadership that is controlling.
2. An impatient inability to listen and collaborate.
3. A habit of creating a false narrative where his impatience is called decisiveness and his harshness is called leadership.
4. An inability to empower others to lead in their spheres of influence causing them to feel disempowered and demoralized.
5. Feelings of entitlement so that the normal checks and balances don’t apply to him.
6. Bravado that masks an insecurity that he might be exposed as incapable or deficient.
7. A capacity to feign connection in order to woo followers.
8. A desire to be the best and the brightest in the room while claiming to be a humble servant of the Lord.
9. A condescending attitude toward other churches, pastors, planters, and networks.
10. A skill in hiring quality talent to accomplish his brilliant vision for his church.
11. A practice of announcing the next big thing before completion of the last big thing resulting in a tired, overwhelmed team.
12. A willingness to receive all the praise for the successes and to give all the blame to others for any failures.
13. The practice of keeping others off balance by creating a confusing vacillation between his praise and his criticism.
14. The repeated intimidation of others causing them to end up feeling worn down and disheartened.
15. The use of spiritual language – “We’re all broken and need the gospel” and “I’m a mess like you” - that has the appearance of transparency but is actually a manipulative way to groom listeners toward empathy and trust, i.e. “Faux-vulnerability.” (List built from When Narcissism Comes to Church, pp. 67–86)
We must help our planters recognize the seeds of narcissism in their own souls. We must help our assessors, trainers, coaches, and mentors be equipped to call out narcissism and point our planters to a pathway toward great spiritual, emotional, and relational health. Our planters need a pathway to greater spiritual, emotional, and psychological shalom. DeGroat writes, “Amid the busyness of our lives, who among us has the time or energy to mine the depths of our stories? My answer is, who among us can afford to neglect our story” (p. 141)?
DeGroat uses the Exodus story as a pattern for healing from destructive narcissistic patterns of leadership. He writes, “The Exodus story allows us to see ourselves, and our congregations, as pilgrims on a healing journey. It invites us to see the enslavement that keeps us from thriving. It invites us to be brave enough to cry out to God. It invites to the risky journey, fleeing what is familiar for an unpredictable path ahead. It invites us to have patience in the face of a long and winding wilderness road. It invites us to lament in the face of continued pain. It invites us to resolve to enter a new land, a hope-filled place of flourishing. Indeed, all stories of transformation necessarily take us on a cruciform (cross-shaped) journey imitating the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, as we become participants in his suffering in order to experience his resurrection” (p. 133).
I took the liberty to summarize DeGroat’s description of the path of the Exodus story. One, take whatever Egypt you’re living in seriously. Two, cry out to God to awaken his rescuing response. Three, allow God to stir longings and imaginations in you for a more spacious place of flourishing. Four, realize that your escape from terror will come through plague and bloodshed as God paves the way for you. Five, be prepared to experience the frightening backlash of other narcissists around you. Six, travel through a wilderness of painful growth and transformation. Seven, realize God is calling you into a new identity. Eight, embrace the vacillations of your emotions as you experience a lovely followed by a season of deprivation. Nine, listen to a wise guide who can offer you a sense of direction for your journey just as Moses brought the law to Israel. Ten, remember that the promised land isn’t a magical place a perpetual cheer but a new space of inner freedom and relational flourishing (from pp. 133-137).
In our rush to plant as many churches as possible to reach as many people as possible, we must beware that a hurried and frenzied approach to assessment, training, coaching, and mentoring can backfire. DeGroat observes, “Many of us find ourselves too busy, too habituated to the demands of modern life, too out of touch with deeper emotions to take our stories seriously and to embark on a healing journey... Healing requires radical honesty with ourselves and the courage to follow through on the wilderness path [to healing]. Perhaps the two most important components of healing trauma are awareness and intentionality. Because trauma thrives in the shadows, awareness and intentionality are often neglected for self-promotion, disconnection, and self-sabotage” (p. 141).
DeGroat has written an honest book in which he admits that he sees tendencies toward narcissism in his own life. He calls us all to look for evidences of our own narcissistic patterns. But he offers hope. “As I round the corner of fifty years old, I find myself sitting with Jesus more closely than I did even a decade ago. The compassionate, humble Savior of the world didn’t scheme, showed no grandiosity, and loved courageously, revealing the heart of God. I’m more convinced today that his smile is the deep cure for our pervasive shame. I rest in the love of the one who sees me, even when I hide, pursuing boundlessly. I have unrelenting hope because nothing can ultimately separate us from his infinitely available love” (p. 172).
With these words, Chuck DeGroat unveils one of the most important works on practical ministry I have read. It is a book on narcissism in the church.
For some this will be a new concept; for others, it will reopen a great many painful and inexplicable wounds that they were given at the house of their friends. The idea that a pastor, a spiritual shepherd of the church, could be a psychological manipulator along the lines of an OJ Simpson or a Donald Trump is abhorrent to anyone, not just to faithful churchgoers. But for those few who have sincerely loved someone in ministry and have had their relationships (and maybe even their lives) irretrievably shattered by that person’s malignant narcissism, this book will be a warm light shining into a very dark place.
Narcissism involves the tendency we all have to some extent to consider ourselves of greater importance than we actually are, and to rearrange our lives in such a way that our “false self” begins to be more visible to others and our “true self” begins to be less visible. This allows us to maintain certain positive illusions that tend to our own perceived best interests, and helps us avoid having to reckon with the consequences of the negative actions we are ashamed of and have hidden deep inside us. For any human being this is an unhealthy thing; but for Christians it is extraordinarily dangerous, and for Christian leaders it can be incredibly destructive. And the most astonishing thing about what makes it work – for years and years, in good, Gospel-believing churches – is how invisible these dynamics can be.
With When Narcissism Comes to Church, Chuck lays out a scholarly, pastoral treatment of a subject that has been hinted at in many spheres but has never (to my knowledge) been dealt with in such a thoroughgoing manner. It is evident from the care he takes with his words and the many deliberate spectrums he works along, e.g. individual narcissism vs. systemic narcissism, stylistic vs. pathological, self-protective vs. overtly abusive, etc. that he genuinely cares not only about the victims of narcissistic spiritual abuse but about those who have been guilty of perpetrating their hidden fear and shame on those victims. To be sure his words to the guilty are direct and unapologetic, and his words for the innocent are tender and uplifting, but even in this it is a beautiful picture of the heart of Jesus, who calls every self-serving one of us to lay down our masks and open our hearts to Him.
And it is well that he is able to direct his ministry to both sides. For when a disciple of Jesus experiences the shock of the first realization that their pastor has knowingly betrayed them, and when that is followed with the higher shock that nobody is going to believe their story because the pastor has power over people’s perception of the event, and when that is followed with the final shock that most of those perceptions will forever view them as the problem for no better reason than that they told the truth, it is a devastating spiritual cocktail that can put their life in a downward spiral for a very long time. Boundaries and healing must become their primary focus, if they are taking good counsel, and forgiving someone who refuses to tell the truth about what happened and has no interest in reconciling can be almost impossible. The best they can often do is to leave it at the Cross and go on with their lives.
Chuck brings a calm, caring, thoughtful style that for any reader with personal experience will prompt them to the welcoming realization of “Oh – wait – he’s actually seen this happen! And he’s not afraid to actually call it what it is. And his voice carries weight. And maybe, someday, the leaders of my church will actually listen to him!” There are no words to explain how helpful this is to a sufferer, unless perhaps it be the blessed Comfort, comfort ye of the prophet Isaiah. And it is truly Isaiah’s hope of the Word of the Lord standing forever that brings us comfort, when sin has made all of our lips unclean.
The ubiquity of the problem is surely what makes it so grievous. As Chuck points out, ministry in our society has a unique magnetism to the narcissistic personality, for who else would want to speak on behalf of God every week? And what better culture for that to grow in than a materialistic, driven setting where truth is so quietly and brutally punished and convincing outward appearances are so visibly rewarded? It is this combination of power and position that makes an opportunity for spiritual abuse, and the words Chuck uses to describe it are indicative of one who has seen very bad things go down in the church. He lays out the nine faces of narcissism with a wise warning not to use them as a way to vindictively or thoughtlessly pigeonhole someone else, but everyone who has been affected will probably be impacted by at least one of the psychological sketches. They are real; and if we are honest, each of us will see something of ourselves in them too.
The irony of seeing those two worlds coming together, the world of unrepentant self-love and the eternal Kingdom of God, is what makes the idea of pastoral narcissism so difficult for us to conceive of. We all have a deep-seated need to believe that our pastor could not be guilty of such evil. No two points of view are more diametrically opposed than that of callously using others as a step to trample on to obtain the desires of the world, juxtaposed with that of fearlessly proclaiming the glories of the grace of Jesus Christ in an unassailable pulpit every week. To such blatant, public unbelief Chuck brings the only real corrective there can possibly be: The searing white-hot truth of the very Word of God we preach from every week, applied with all the tenderness and Christlike compassion he can muster. And to those who have been trampled on the way he stops to extend a hand of mercy, coupled with a heart for them that could only be sincerely felt by one who has seen for himself the trail of hurt sheep so cruelly left by the shepherds in the masks.
It’s the words he uses that show us unquestionably what he has seen: Cruel, manipulative, impatient, praising/withdrawing, intimidated/intimidating, steel-eyed, devious, exploitative, grandiose. Perhaps the most revealing is one he probably totally made up: Fauxnerability. This is no scholarly work that took shape in a dusty library high in an ivory tower. It is notes from the trenches, smeared with blood and dripped with tears, most likely used to bandage up somebody’s broken arm once or twice, certainly gripped and mangled during hours of anguished prayer while counseling people through their heartache, and barely unfolded and straightened out long enough to make it to the publisher’s.
Listen to him. Read the stories. Hurt with them. Hope with them. Catch a glimpse of Jesus as He lashes out in anger at those who would oppress others with burdens of spiritual falsehood, and as He speaks in deepest compassion to the poor in spirit for whom He will eventually take all the burden of the narcissism and evil in the world on His shoulders. And as you do, enter freely into the longing that Chuck unveils for us – the longing for our Promised Land, for our first fleeting glimpse of hope that our faithful Lord will someday make all things new.
JV
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