To get the free app, enter your mobile phone number.
When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives Paperback – June 3, 2004
|New from||Used from|
Frequently Bought Together
Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought
About the Author
A graduate of Smith College, Jane Adams holds a Ph.D. in social psychology and has studied at Seattle Institute of Psychoanalysis and the Washington, D.C. Psychoanalytic Foundation. She has been an award-winning journalist, a founding editor of the Seattle Weekly, and an adjunct professor at the University of Washington. She is the recipient of the Family Advocate of the Year award from “Changes,” an organization devoted to improving relationships between parents and adolescent children.
Top Customer Reviews
If you feel guilty, or critical, or even just frustrated with your grown-up kids, you'll find this book reads like a tall glass of cold water on a really hot day.
What I found particularly helpful:
The statistics and research that indicate that MANY young adults have MORE problems than ever before, which made me realize that parents are not alone in their struggles. The author notes cultural and social pressures that can lead children from strong families down the wrong path (although she is clear that sometimes parents DO make mistakes and that the root cause of problems may be a combination of factors).
An emphasis on a broad look at the many forces that can cause problems, from peer pressure to societal changes.
A STRONG focus on living in the HERE and NOW, rather than obsessing about past mistakes.
Lots of real life examples, showing how parents dealt with truly difficult situations.
No "one answer fits all" solutions. Instead, the author's style is brisk and open, inviting the reader to think about the issue, rather than arrive at definite answers.
This is an easy read and I got through it in one day, although I think several sections deserve rereading. I intend to keep it on my bookshelf and turn to it again, for inspiration, advice and comfort.
I also intend to read other books on the subject, as I want to get different viewpoints and perspectives.
If your kids and their issues are keeping you up at night, read this book. You'll feel much better in the morning.
But the truth is that lots of our children have lots of problems, and "When Our Grown Children Disappoint" covers what must be nearly every miserable one of them - from drug addiction to never-ending dependency, from sexual acting-out to dangerous irresponsibility, from physical illness to mental. One way or another, many of our kids are - as our parents would rightfully put it - "ruining their lives." Gently, and with great humor, Dr. Adams, helps us keep these tragedies from ruining our own lives. In the process, in this beautifully written book, this longtime author shows us how to "separate, thereby restoring helth and peace to suffering parents.
I have always believed that it is in my kids best interest for me to raise them exactly the same way I was (at least in certain areas). So, I paid for their college education, gave them each a Visa, bought them cars, offered to pay for graduate schools, trips, insurance, etc.
What I inadvertently created, thinking I was acting in their best interest as those things were helpful to me at their age, were two kids - one with an alcohol problem and the other who's really dependent on others to do everything for him.
Don't get me wrong, they are great kids overall - these are just two aspects that have been challenging to handle.
In any event, when I discovered my son had an alcohol problem - I changed my tune in a hurry. Part of the reason he has this illness is that he has a lot of pain in his life that he's not dealing with. However, my contribution to it has been to give him too much money so he has the funds to binge drink as well as make his life so easy for him that it was enabling him rather than empowering him.
He is in denial and doesn't realize the issue. This book helped me be okay with that, realize I've done all I could by offering him treatment, etc - and that I have a life that I deserve enjoying. And that's a good thing!
With the other one, I learned that most likely I may watch him "shoot himself in the foot" over and over again. I do my best to offer him my guidance ahead of time when he wants it but usually he's a lot smarter than me he says.
So, again, I've learned that he'll do it his way and that's okay.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Very helpful ... would have given it a 5, but it tended to explore the extremes (incarcerated adult child/stealing adult child, etc. Read morePublished 1 day ago by Charles Fleetham
Absolutely a must read if you are not on the same page with your adult, grown children! It helped give us insight into a very difficult subject for most families, especially... Read morePublished 28 days ago by StephanieNDavid
Should have paid more attention to publication year. Material is a bit dated.Published 1 month ago by MARLA
Outstanding read for all parents of troubled adult children. Thanks, Jane!Published 3 months ago by Jerri Anne Johnson