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Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams Mass Market Paperback – June 1, 2004
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"I was surprised to read that the majority of women his team interviewed at marriage license offices admitted they had to give their sweeties what amounts to an ultimatum to get him to commit. (I worry such arm-twisting might account for our high divorce rate.)"
I think this misrepresents what Molloy actually says. Molloy does not tell women to use strong arm methods - he tells women to be *honest* in a relationship. If marriage matters to them, they should be honest about that. If their man's response to a suggestion of marriage hurts them, they should be honest about *that*, as well. He does recommend that women try to be considerate in presenting their protests, but what he is basically arguing is that honesty pays. I've been married seventeen years, and seen a lot of friends' marriages do a nosedive in that time, and I think he's right.
A friend of mine from high school who recently divorced let her boyfriend/fiance walk all over her while they were dating, then while they were married, until she just couldn't take it anymore, and left him. But she didn't tell him he was hurting her until they'd been married for years! She expected him to know. I think this is far more destructive than honestly telling someone you're close to that marriage is important to you, and you're not sure you can continue the relationship if it won't lead to marriage; or that they hurt you when they dismissed your desire for marriage.
When I was dating, many, many women warned me to never mention marriage, and said they never admitted they wanted marriage, because that would chase a guy off. I felt this was dishonest and wouldn't do it. If a guy and I talked life time goals, I was always up front about the fact that I intended to get married and have kids. I never said I intended to marry *him*, but I did discuss why marriage appealed to me and etc. And I got married, while my friends who were careful not to mention marriage did not.
A friend of mine once sat me down and scolded me because every guy I'd broken up with then proceeded to get married within a year - I think this happened because Molloy is right; guys honestly *don't* think much about marriage, but when it's presented as a valid possibility during their "Age of Commitment", many of them decide the idea is appealing. He's also right about religious differences being a problem - those relationships didn't last because I ultimately wouldn't compromise on my commitments to God or my principles. Getting married was important to me, but there were other things that were more important.
One of the few points I disagree with Molloy on is his emphasis on losing weight. I don't doubt this is what the statistics show, but I'm not convinced he's getting the whole picture. I had more than one guy suggest to me that "if you'd just lose a few pounds, I'd sure like to go out with you." I would NEVER date a man who said that to me. Maybe I could diet down to the weight he preferred for a time, but everyone in my family past their thirties is overweight and dieting - I always figured my odds of being overweight as I aged were all too high, and I had no intention of getting stuck with a guy who'd hassle me over it.
Despite my weight, I talked marriage seriously with four guys before marrying a fifth - and he was the one rushing us into marriage while I was the one dragging her feet. A friend of mine who is extremely obese - under five feet tall and over 200 pounds - remarried in her forties, and she married a considerably younger man to boot! But while she is over weight, she has all the other qualities Molloy recommends - she is very kind, she kept herself up (make up and such - not overdone, but she always looked nice and dressed up for dates), she always had fun on dates, she genuinely likes people and lets them know it, she got out and about, and she has that "always on the edge of a smile" look Molloy talks about. I think one reason older overweight women are less likely to remarry is that they've given up.
Which is a valid choice, after all. Molloy's goal in this book is not to argue that marriage is the best way for everyone - his book is addressed to women who want to marry. If, after dealing with the data on typical marriages, women decide they aren't interested in pursuing marriage under those circumstances, he has still done them a service. He can help you to make an informed choice - some women may chose to actively pursue marriage, and others may decide it isn't worth it. He doesn't condemn either route.
Anyhow-there is no special formula here, maybe I should write a book and tell women the following:
1) Date divorced men - they are easier to get along with -
2) Stay away from players and guys who have NEVER settled down or who have a history of breaking women's hearts.
3) Love yourself enough to take care of yourself on the inside and out.
No brainers here ladies...I am done reading these dating books. Finding the love of your life is either meant to be ie, luck or it is not.