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Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts Hardcover – January 10, 2017
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"If you want to learn the art and craft of apology and repair when you've hurt someone you care about, this is your book. If you are frustrated with a loved one who is no good at accepting responsibility for hurting you, this is your book. If you want powerful insights into human relationships delivered in personal, enjoyable writing, let me say it plainly: this is the best self-help book I've ever read!"
--William Doherty, Ph.D. professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, author of Take Back Your Marriage
“I love Harriet Lerner’s work!”
--Anne Lamott, author of Help, Thanks, Wow and Bird by Bird
"A profoundly insightful look into the many ways humans hurt each other and the power of apology to restore broken relationships. Harriet Lerner has written a valuable guide for both those who deserve an apology and those who owe one."
--John Kador, author of Effective Apology
"With her signature punch and humor, Harriet Lerner tackles the injuries that occur in marriage, family and friendship. Her advice for repairing hurts and earning forgiveness is fresh, profound, life-affirming and immediately useful."
--Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of How Can I Forgive You?
"Why Won't You Apologize? is at once practical and profound. It guides us through the most difficult places in human relationships. Read this book, then pass it on to the non-apologizer in your life."
--Monica McGoldrick, M.A., LCSW, Ph.D. (Honorary), Director of the Multicultural Family Institute in Highland Park, New Jersey
"Lerner takes us beyond the simple "I'm sorry," to show us how to restore connection with those we love the most. This wise and eminently down-to-earth book is a guide that will last a lifetime and heal the hearts of so many."
--Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
"With accessible language, luminous examples, and clinical nuance, Harriet Lerner shows us the value and power of apologies--and how and when to deliver and receive them. We applaud her achievement, including her compelling analysis of the dynamics of forgiveness. We recommend this book to anyone who has suffered hurt from others, or caused others to suffer. Who among us has not done both?"
--Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D., authors of Making Marriage Simple and Getting the Love You Want
"Why Won't You Apologize? is an immensely intelligent book. Lerner is an intrepid agent of change. What a gift!"
--Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D., Director of the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Wellesley Center for Women
"What a powerful book. Anyone who has friends, co-workers, family members would do well to have a copy of this book at the ready... just in case."--The Charlotte Observer
"Most wonderfully, Lerner tackles absent apologies that hurt and demoralize. She considers forgiving vs. letting go and shows readers how to have one without the other...Highly recommended for mental health professionals and anyone struggling to offer an apology, hoping for one, or wishing to move on – with or without forgiving."--Library Journal
About the Author
Harriet Lerner, PhD is one of our nation’s most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for several decades. A distinguished lecturer, consultant, and psychotherapist, she is the author of numerous scholarly articles and popular books, including the New York Times bestseller The Dance of Anger and Why Won’t You Apologize?. She and her husband live in Lawrence, Kansas and have two grown sons.
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She talks about the value of apologies, how you shouldn't necessarily expect one immediately, and how to process what is said and deal with taking time to cool off or evaluate what is said before launching into a discussion of the things that bother each person involved that cause hurt feelings.
What I did enjoy about this book was how she addresses the philosophy of "you must forgive in order to move on." I've always had difficulty with this logic. Sometimes, people do such bad things I don't know how one could possibly forgive them. The author in this book agrees that sometimes, some people just do not deserve to be forgiven and that you are not a bad person, nor are you "not moving forward" if you cannot forgive someone who mistreated you.