- Hardcover: 304 pages
- Publisher: Hyperion; 1st edition (May 19, 1999)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0786865245
- ISBN-13: 978-0786865246
- Product Dimensions: 6.5 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
- Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
- Average Customer Review: 4 customer reviews
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,958,446 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Enter your mobile number or email address below and we'll send you a link to download the free Kindle App. Then you can start reading Kindle books on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required.
To get the free app, enter your mobile phone number.
Women Who Stay with Men Who Stray: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Men and Infidelity Hardcover – May 19, 1999
The Amazon Book Review
Author interviews, book reviews, editors picks, and more. Read it now
Customers who viewed this item also viewed
From Publishers Weekly
Given the recent intense media coverage of the hows and whys of male adultery, it's tough for a book to stand out on what has become a groaning shelf of self-help books on the subject. In this journalistic study of how married women cope with their husbands' infidelities, California psychologist Then, who specializes in women's self-esteem issues, draws on the stories of 100 husbands, wives and lovers for whom unfaithfulness is a fact of life. The book's dominant voice, however, belongs to unhappy and humiliated women who have chosen to remain with their spouses, who deal with their pain in damaging ways, such as through denial, substance abuse, overspending and their own affairs. The author describes the emotional, social and financial factors that prompt some women to tolerate such behavior, and she provides a framework for those who are deciding whether to stay married to an unfaithful man. The underlying message that life is miserable for women who stay is delivered with a curious lack of empathy. In the end, the research sample limited to subjects from white, middle- and upper-middle income backgrounds, colorless writing and empty pronouncements such as "get a life" hobble this effort, although women who have left, or are about to leave, their marriages will find reinforcement for their decisions. Agent, Jennifer Gates of the Zachary Shuster Agency.Author tour.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Showing 1-4 of 4 reviews
There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.
-When a woman becomes overly absorbed in a relationship to the point where she loses her individuality, she is likely to feel she has no alternative but to stay. She begins to believe that it's better to stick with what she has because she may not be able to find anyone better. Or worse, she may think that ALL men cheat & so decide to stay with the devil she knows.
Let me tell you ladies...there are better men out there & there are men out there that don't cheat.
No woman deserves to be cheated on & if all you're finding are men that cheat...you need to take some time away from men & figure out why you are only attracted to men that treat you badly & cheat on you.
-It's when people are tempted that they show their true colors. Put someone in the middle of numerous opportunities to stray & they will reveal their true colors.
I completely agree with this statement as I have witnessed it occur.
I know a guy or two that will have sex with any girl that presents them with the opportunity...even if they have a girlfriend or a wife.
-The majority of men that cheat lack guilt. They rationalize & justify their infidelity. They feel NO responsibility for hurting their partners. They know it will hurt their partner, but they do it anyway.
In fact, some are proud of thier philandering ways & brag about it.
I've heard a guy brag about it before. I told his girlfriend, but the foolish girl chose to believe him (a known serial liar)...even though at least 1 other girl informed her that her guy had cheated on her. Her guy is so adept at lying & emotionally manipulating her that he manages to convince her that those girls are crazy jealous girls trying to ruin their relationship.
The girl even managed to convince herself, probably with his assistance, that the hundreds if not thousands of text messages the other girl had received were not really sent by him. His girlfriend believes the other girl sent them to herself via an app on her cell phone! Wow! She's so far buried in denial, that all she can see are the great pyramids because "De-Nile" ain't just a river in Egypt.
Lesson learned: The messenger usually gets shot & has her charachter assassinated.
Note to self: Never inform a girl that her guy is cheating on her. She most likely won't believe it unless she sees it herself because she doesn't want to believe it.
-When a man ends an affair, it's not due to guilt. He was found out or close to being found out or thought he might be found out. He then steps up the romance & the attention directed at the girl.
This one blows my mind. A change in the amount of attention your guy pays you is a huge red flag...especially if it occurs soon after you being informed of the fact that he has cheated on you.
-Some guys that cheat are expert liars. They are so competent at lying they manage to convince the girl to doubt everyone, including herself instead of doubting him. If your guy is emotionally manipulative AND a serial adulterer...you're in for some serious trouble.
How are these guys able to gaslight these women?
There are many factors, including:
-The woman suffers from low self esteem & self respect. She depends on him to make her feel good about herself. She needs him telling her how pretty she is, how smart she is, how he would be nothing if not for her, etc. She bases who she is on how he makes her feel & how she "helps" him & takes care of him...even while he cheats on her.
-She believes it is up to her to keep the relationship together...no matter what.
-She is afraid of being alone.
-She feels she is responsible for him cheating on her
-She suffers from depression and/or physcial ailments.
-She doesn't understand that he doesn't see it as her giving him chances to straighten to up. He instead views it as permission because there aren't any consequences other than a fight & empty threats.
-She believes that he will earn her trust back. <---- Sorry girlfriend, this ain't gonna happen. You've already taught him that he can cheat & cheat & cheat...and you will continue to take him back.
-She truly beleives she NEEDS him. <---- If you're in a relationship because you believe you NEED someone...you NEED to get out of it. Especially if it is a toxic relationship. You should never be with someone because you NEED them...you should only be in a relationship when you are a stable person capable of taking care of yourself. You should only be in a relationship because you WANT to be in one...not because you NEED to be in one.
Staying because you feel you NEED him will only lead to feeling trapped...especially when he cheats on you.
-And perhaps the most common factor...the woman is financially dependent upon the man. She doesn't want to have to move back in with her parents or get a roommate with whom she doesn't have an emotional or sexual bond.
Many women feel that if their guy mnust have affairs, they would rather not know abou them. They don't want to contemplate the idea that their guy is having sex with another woman. If they acknowledge it, they may feel that they have to do something about it.
*******As long as they can pretend it isn't happening, they can keep up the charade of their perfect relationship.******* WOW! HOW SAD!
Some women would rather bury their head in the sand, using denial as a way of coping while hoping the situation will disappear. In the end this will just double the pain, because then a woman is lying to herself as well as being lied to & cheated on by her guy.
Now on to women that are the mistress & end up being the wife or girlfriend...sweetie, you didn't win...you just created a job vacancy that will be filled by another woman.
What? The guy that cheated on his wife/girlfriend had the nerve to cheat on you? Color me shocked! Foolish girl! Karma truly is a bitch. You reap what you sow...and it usually occurs within a few months. 90% of men who cheat with you will cheat on you. There are very very few Other Women success stories.
The only person that benefits from a romantic triangle is the man. He has two women, a cozy home, and an erotic lust nest. Why would he want to make a choice to give up one?
The probability that a man will be faithful to the mistress if he leaves or is dumped by the woman he was cheating on is very low.
The man will instead move from one affair and fling to another while living with the mistress that is now his girlfriend/wife.
Women that are the other woman should be aware that if a man lies to his girlfriend/wife, he will certainly lie to his lover. Affairs are based on deceit. A solid relationship cannot be successfully built or maintained on such shaky ground.
Would you stay with a business partner if they repeatedly defrauded & cheated you? That is exactly what a husband does when he is unfaithful.
Look at the situation without considering the fact that you "love" the guy. Love yourself more than you love a person that lies & cheats & takes complete advantage of your love & trust
Debbie Then does a fantastic job of "telling it like it is" by outlining in black and white clarity just exactly how to know what the score is. And, she confirms what I already believed, but now embrace : listen to your instinct; trust your gut.
A should be "required reading" for all women, married or otherwise.
All men are not pigs. But it is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Good luck. Anyone reading these reviews must have gone through something to bring them to this book. Take care!