I have 2 adolescent kids, one in mid teens, one about to enter. We have frustrating times, some minor, some more serious. Talking to other parents, I heard the following: "Oh you'll get them back in 5 years or so", "Fasten your seat belt for the next 8 years" and so on.
Though meant to reassure (this is just a phase, albeit a long one), I was disheartened too that the next years would be rough, I'd be best to just tolerate them, and by the time they snap out of it they'll be in college and gone, so goodbye kids, let's get through it.
I did NOT want the remaining years of my kids at home spent that way! I want a relationship with them. Okay, not the sweet kids that once were, but these teens who are on a great journey into adulthood!
What a relief to find this book! Though my kids aren't near some of the extremes mentioned, I gained a lot from all of it. The book is eye opening, frightening, has made me laugh, cry, examine myself thoroughly, realize a whole boatload of things about myself and my teenagers & wish I'd read this before my oldest hit adolescence. That said, it has some great reassuring messages: this is a passage kids travel and there are great ways to handle it so you can re-establish or maintain a good relationship with your kids.
If you are struggling with a snapping opinionated (or even out of control) teen and you are mourning the loss of you sweet, kind, loving pre-teen, thinking you've lost your child, then don't hesitate. Pick this up.
Be prepared for some scary tales and statistics and to read 'from the couch' notes that will be alarmingly like your situation. They give MORE reason to carry on with the book, to tool you up to be the lighthouse your kids need in these tough years - in an era where been a teenager has more complicated and different challenges than most eras beforehand. Since finishing the book, I have been putting into practice some of what I learned. And wow, instant results on some things, and small progressive steps on others.
The first 1/3 of the book covers kids: what's happening to them, their generation and individually.
The second 1/3 looks at us, the parents. What's changed so we have to change our parenting methods, what baggage we might have, and what we might be doing right or doing wrong, and what are role is and needs to be.
The last 1/3 is the nitty gritty "what to do when..." - covers everything from dealing with teenage tantrums, curfews, drinking & drugs, sex, schoolwork, chores... the lot.
At times, you'd be forgiven for thinking Bradley is about letting kids have their rages and we have to ignore, but it's not at all.
It's more about ~
i) as the parent, don't come over as the bad cop. Be the calm one so you gain more authority and respect
ii) don't sweat the small stuff. Build a bank of respect so when you meet the bigger and harder teen issues, you have far more power over your child
iii) 'fear and control' is not the same as 'respect and authority'. Learn the difference and your teen will behave outside the home, not just when you're around
iv) Gaining respect includes ~
not always having to have the last word; not getting into shouting matches; being the parent not their buddy (a parent is far better and more important than a buddy!); apologizing when you mess up or lose control; forgive them and ask them to forgive you; being strong and calm; listening listening listening; ask questions, don't lecture; letting go of your emotional need to have your sweet little pre-teen back
v) Inoculate don't control. You know the saying "Integrity is how you behave when no-one is watching" - well, this teaches you how to teach that to your kids.
Great book and one I will be re-reading over and over. I bought on Kindle then bought a paper copy to share.
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One of the best. Techniques work. Encouraging.
You must get this book. Truly. This book is right on the mark with empathy for parents, acknowledging just how it feels to have your child changing so drastically in front of you. And the very specific way this book teaches you to communicate with your teen - it works! I have read a lot on parenting. I work in this field but I bought this book for my own use with my teen. I learned a lot from this book - This is a good one. The techniques teach you how to communicate through the craziness yet preserve your relationship with your child. And the book is encouraging. At a time when you may need hope.
Top reviews from other countries
Linda T
Brilliant book. Gives me a better understanding of my ...
Reviewed in India on September 8, 2017Melamed
Must-have for parents even of good, sane teens
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 11, 2016Cadillac
I am now trying to understand him better and helping him with the different tips
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 4, 2017