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Deborah Tannen

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation Paperback – February 6, 2007

by Deborah Tannen (Author)

252 ratings

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Women and men live in different worlds. . . made of different words.

Spending nearly four years on the New York Times bestseller list, including eight months at number one, You Just Don't Understand is a true cultural and intellectual phenomenon. This is the book that brought gender differences in ways of speaking to the forefront of public awareness. With a rare combination of scientific insight and delightful, humorous writing, Tannen shows why women and men can walk away from the same conversation with completely different impressions of what was said.

Studded with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, this book gives you the tools to understand what went wrong - and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. A classic in the field of interpersonal relations, this book will change forever the way you approach conversations.

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Editorial Reviews

Review

“[A] refreshing and readable account of the complexities of communication between men and women.” (The New York Times Book Review)

“A chatty, earnest and endearing book that promises here–and–now rewards.” (Los Angeles Times)

“People are telling Tannen that the book is saving their marriages.” (Washington Post)

“A novelist’s ear for the way people speak with a rare power of original analysis.” (Oliver Sacks)

“Utterly fascinating. . . . A classic in the field.” (San Francisco Chronicle)

From the Back Cover

Women and men live in different worlds...made of different words.

Studded with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, this book gives you the tools to understand what went wrong -- and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. A classic in the field of interpersonal relations, this book will change forever the way you approach conversations.

Paperback: 342 pages
Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1 edition (February 6, 2007)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780060959623
ISBN-13: 978-0060959623
ASIN: 0060959622
Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.8 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 9.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Customer Reviews:
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #47,391 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #45 in Conversation Etiquette Guides
- #128 in Popular Psychology Counseling
- #63 in Communication Reference (Books)

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Customer reviews

5 star		63%
4 star		18%
3 star		6%
2 star		6%
1 star		7%

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caryn kirkpatrick

Great book

Reviewed in the United States on October 24, 2015

Format: Kindle EditionVerified Purchase

Reminds me a lot of "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" but with a focus on the workplace. As a women in a male dominated workforce (US military), I found myself shaking my head and saying, wow, how many times has that happened and yes, I can relate to that. But even more so, I found myself laughing out loud! Great read!

12 people found this helpful

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Margaret E. Lawrence

She versus He

Reviewed in the United States on May 9, 2017

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

One has to have an open-mind to be truly engaged in this book. There are differences in the way male and female communicate how we understand the same situation we encounter. This book is also thought-provoking in bringing to light, examples and scenarios that reveal a clearer picture if you were to step out of your body to watch and learn the outcome of the differences of the two species. What is also exciting to note is that male and female differences make living in this world a rather interesting one.

4 people found this helpful

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Inquiring mind

Great book that may save your marriage

Reviewed in the United States on February 16, 2015

Verified Purchase

I love this book. I bought it years ago and loaned it to someone and couldn't remember who, and of course, they never returned it. I think it speaks volumes about this book that I felt compelled to buy it again. Women! Have you ever wondered why men will never stop to ask for directions, even if you're hopelessly lost? Do you wonder why, when you come home at the end of the day saying, "I can't believe what this person did to me today," only to be met with, "Well, what did YOU do?"
If so, please buy this book. You will understand why men are how they are (and it's not male-bashing, it's just scientific observations), and maybe you will be able to help your man understand you better and you will understand your man better. I highly recommend it, although I had a few issues with some of the statistics in some of the studies, but overall, it seems to be pretty sound science (as much as the Social Sciences can be).

2 people found this helpful

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Grace E. Campbell

Great read. Deborah Tannen is a great author for ...

Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2016

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

Great read. Deborah Tannen is a great author for those who have a casual interest in linguistics, but aren't linguists themselves. Anyone working in the field would find it over-simplified and too reliant on anecdotal evidence, but for the casual reader with an interest in the wonders of how language shapes our world, it's a very enlightening read.

5 people found this helpful

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dana anderson

Good for communicating with others

Reviewed in the United States on July 22, 2019

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

I am not finished reading this book but I have read about 50 pages I am enjoying it and it has helped me think of other people's point of view and feelings before speaking.

One person found this helpful

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H. J. Spencer PhD, renegade-Physicist

Wake Up, Guys.

Reviewed in the United States on February 24, 2020

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

Explains why the Sex War never ends; each sex has its own sub-culture: women react to feelings & consensus; while guys are in permanent competition and implicit violence. Many good examples. If guys want a Good Life then start listening to your smarter wife: "Happy Wife = Happy Marriage".

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M. Ennis

A book to help make communication easier

Reviewed in the United States on May 11, 2009

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

"You Just Don't Understand" is a very readable book with plenty of examples and data to back it up. I found it to be amazingly accurate and it really has helped me communicate better with men. I know that sounds so weird, but there really are differences in how many men and women use language. For example, most men use language to convey information and to create a pecking order. Most women use language to create bonding and to create an even playing field without a pecking order. In understanding those differences and more, I am now better able to understand why a man may say certain things and hence better able to take it as it in the spirit it was given, rather than feeling hurt. It also has helped me speak to men in a way that they will understand and will not see as demeaning myself in the pecking order.
Over all I found this book an entertaining read and very practical. If you have ever been frustrated in a conversation with the opposite gender, this book may shed some light.

11 people found this helpful

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StoneyTop Contributor: Camping

Eye Opener

Reviewed in the United States on April 15, 2011

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

As a geezer who has spent his life studying "women talk" and proud of my insight---this book knocked me on my butt---and taught me how colossally ignorant I was on the subject.

In short, Tanneh demonstrates that men and women essentially speak two different languages, and each poorly understands the other's language, resulting in frequent and inevitable misunderstandings. Almost every paragraph you find yourself (at least figuratively) smacking yourself on the forehead and saying, "Damn, that's true. I never realized that before."

I've read the book a half-dozen times and insisted that my wife read it (about 20 years ago). According to my wife (a VP of a Fortune-500 company) the things she has learned from the book help her to cope with her male colleagues. My wife and I have even developed private phrases to avoid many of the common male/female linguistic misunderstandings. I believe that our very good married life has substantially improved as a result of reading this book.

Even so, even understanding "women-speak", I still find it largely illogical---which only reinforces Tannen's thesis that men's and women's are simply wired differently---most easily observed in differences in the use of the allegedly common language.

I consider this to be among the top three books which "altered my life for the better". This is a book to buy in hardcover, and re-read frequently. It is impossible to absorb everything in a single reading---or even three readings. I give a copy to each of my nieces when they reach roughly 17. My nephews need the information more, but unfortunately, guys are less likely to read such a book.

Note that this was the first of Tannen's books on the subject, but at lest of the first several, in my opinion, "You Just Don't Understand" remains the best.

> Click on “Stoney” just below the product title to see my other reviews, or leave a comment to ask a question.

21 people found this helpful

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Top international reviews

L Jones

A good read, found it a little slow

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 17, 2016

Verified Purchase

An interesting read but it's taken me an age to finish it. I'm not quite sure if that's purely down to me or that the the content wasn't as gripping as other books I've read on a similar subject.

The basic premise is that men and women talk to each other in different styles which often leads to a complete breakdown in communication. Tanner uses many, many examples for her theories that sometimes are simply not needed.

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Lee Coppack

Valuable insight

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 1, 2011

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I have found the insight on communication Deborah Tannen reveals in this book valuable in work and personal relationships. She makes the important point that if two people communicate in different ways, continuing with the same approach - only trying even harder - won't solve problems when they are at cross purposes.

Tannen has the foundations of research, but uses an easy anecdotal style, which is the book's strength and eventually also its weakness. For me, at least, the bits sized bits do grate eventually and the themes become repetitious, but it's easy enough to stop reading at that point!

One person found this helpful

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Patrick Sambiasi

I wanted to know how to write better female and male characters but it ended up being ...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 26, 2016

Verified Purchase

Incredible book. I bought this book for screenwriting purposes. I wanted to know how to write better female and male characters but it ended up being really useful in life in general. The research and the care that went into conceiving this are just wow. I highly recommand it.

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Joanna Booth

A fascinating book with many examples and that rings true

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 14, 2016

Format: Kindle EditionVerified Purchase

The premise of this book is that there are differences in how people speak and the differences are explained in terms of connection and independence. There is a gender difference but there are no rights or wrongs. I really liked this and I particularly liked all the examples.

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Boring book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 3, 2019

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I don’t want to judge too hard but is is a really boring book.

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Keith Davies-Evans

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 7, 2014

Verified Purchase

Brilliant book, I am a psychotherapist and I have purchased many copies for my clients. Such an easy read, she is not a psychologist but a linguist but she has really understood the communication problems between men and woman. I would say that I learned more from this book than any couple training I attended. I am not joking when I say it should be required reading for everyone before we leave school.

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Bobby Jarome

Very good book!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 28, 2019

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A very good book, it explains communication between men and women and it definitely makes understanding more easy.

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Mariusz Kulesza

men and women are different

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 29, 2019

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Shaz

Five Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 23, 2018

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

Very good

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joanne Goodchild

Differences between the sexes

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 28, 2016

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Interesting and humorous book

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gemstone

Five Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 15, 2015

Format: Kindle EditionVerified Purchase

Clearly written and surprisingly helpful

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xxxx

Five Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 26, 2015

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Fascinating.

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mark ashbridge

was bought on recomendation from councillor bit hard reading but ...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 2, 2014

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was bought on recomendation from councillor bit hard reading but ok.

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Scaroth, Last of the Jagaroth

Language and Gender

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 12, 2011

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

As a teacher of English Language - and particularly Language and Gender, I have found Tannen's insights and ideas extremely helpful when attempting to teach A-level students about the way in which gender influences aspects of spoken and written language. A great book to dip into regularly, this text is invaluable for anyone studying this topic.

3 people found this helpful

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Raven

Excellent

Reviewed in Canada on April 28, 2014

Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase

I read this book many years ago and decided to reread it recently. Still fascinating and very helpful in understanding communication differences. She gives so many excellent examples and insights into the male female dynamic, plus broadens the discussion to look at cultural differences etc. I would recommend this book to anyone wanting to find a bridge between the polarities of male female expression. One of the best and most helpful books I have read on this subject. Excellent,

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