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You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters Hardcover – January 7, 2020
| Kate Murphy (Author) Find all the books, read about the author, and more. See search results for this author |
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When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?
"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset―and this book does it with science and humor."
-Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take
**Hand picked by Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Cain, and Daniel Pink for Next Big Ideas Club**
"An essential book for our times."
-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation.
On social media, we shape our personal narratives.
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.
Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here.
In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). Equal parts cultural observation, scientific exploration, and rousing call to action that's full of practical advice, You're Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain's Quiet was to introversion. It’s time to stop talking and start listening.
- Print length288 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherCeladon Books
- Publication dateJanuary 7, 2020
- Dimensions5.56 x 1.09 x 8.54 inches
- ISBN-101250297192
- ISBN-13978-1250297198
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From the Publisher
New York Times Contributor Kate Murphy Draws Attention to the Worldwide Epidemic of Not Listening
How did you get the idea to write this book?
As a journalist, I listen for a living, and, increasingly, I noticed that people I interviewed seemed surprised, almost taken aback, that I was actually paying attention to what they said. They began telling me profoundly personal things, wholly unrelated to the stories I was writing, as if they’d been long waiting for the opportunity. And these were very successful, well-connected people—not lacking for company, but apparently lacking for listeners. They would always thank me for listening, and also often apologize for unloading. It happened with such regularity, it made me think this was something worth investigating.
What does it mean to be a good listener?
What I found is that rather than being a checklist of dos and don’ts, listening is more a state of mind. It’s about getting yourself in a receptive mode and also developing an awareness of the kinds of things that hijack your attention, cloud your perception, and make you zone out during a conversation. And, just as importantly, listening has to do with how well you respond—the degree to which you are able to encourage and elicit the clear expression of someone else’s thoughts. It’s both an art and a skill.
How do we balance planning what to say next and listening to the person talking?
A better response will come to you when you have taken in all that the other person has to say. Then, pause if you need to after the other person concludes to think about what you want to say. And if you’re still at a loss, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say.” You can also say, “I’d like to think about that,” which conveys that you’re honoring what the other person said by taking time to think about it, while, at the same time, honoring that part of you that is uncertain or anxious and needs time to process. Better that, than responding in a way that is insensitive or misses the point.
Praise for YOU'RE NOT LISTENING
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Editorial Reviews
Review
One of The Washington Post's "Notable Works of Nonfiction in 2020"
"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset―and this book does it with science and humor."
-Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take
“You’re Not Listening is an essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how.”
-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
"I was instantly hooked by Kate Murphy's simple but profound argument--that although listening is the foundation of communication, innovation, growth, and love, few of us really know how to do it properly, or where to even start. You're Not Listening is a captivating and enlightening book that provides readers with a road map on how to listen and why it is so important to how we connect, work, and live."
-Kim Scott, New York Times bestselling author of Radical Candor
"This lively book makes an impassioned plea for listening--an instructive and thought-provoking book that will help readers think about the way they frame questions and responses to forge intimacy."
-Financial Times
"Fiercely topical...You're Not Listening is an intriguing and constructive take on the problem...and a manual for better communication. Murphy’s book is intelligent and thought-provoking…. Listening is when someone take a real interest in who you are…a moment of attunement and understanding that sticks in both heads. We could all do with some of that."
-The Times (London)
"It’s time for a spot of re-education.... A fascinating guide to something we assume we do automatically, yet for the most part do very badly.... The art of listening is really the art of being human."
-The Guardian
"In an age when technology has made it easier than ever before to talk with each other, we’ve paradoxically become worse at listening. Fortunately, we have Kate Murphy to teach us how to reclaim this crucial skill. This book changed the way I think about communicating with the people who matter to me."
-Cal Newport, New York Times bestselling author of Deep Work and Digital Minimalism
"With concrete advice and a wealth of guidelines, readers will come away with tips for a better approach, one that can be exceptionally useful, whether in the boardroom or at home. In an era dominated by incessant broadcasting and attention-seeking behavior on social media, listening offers both a salve and a solution."
-Booklist
"From communication researchers to general audiences, this informative and well-documented book will prod readers to reexamine the way they listen to others, individually and collectively, and to consider the many negative repercussions of not doing so."
-Library Journal
"The premise of this book couldn't be more timely... inspiringly profound… Smart and playful... It feels like a reiteration of something essential... Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. Hear, hear."
-The Observer
"Kate Murphy…has pinpointed an uneasy truth in her new book: we may be great at leading the conversations, but perhaps not so much being on the receiving end of them.”
-Independent.ie
About the Author
Product details
- Publisher : Celadon Books (January 7, 2020)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 288 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1250297192
- ISBN-13 : 978-1250297198
- Item Weight : 12.8 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.56 x 1.09 x 8.54 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #87,109 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #282 in Communication Skills
- #380 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #393 in Communication & Social Skills (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. She is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do. She also has a commercial pilot’s license, which she puts to good use when called upon to report from remote locations.
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Top reviews from the United States
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For me, it was very ear opening (instead of eye opening). I’ve learned a lot and now I need to really ponder over it all and apply.
There could be so much more to say about this book, but rather than hearing it from me, you can read it and get so much more out of it.
*Note: regarding language use, it’s a pretty clean book. I honestly only remember one cuss word in the entire book. There might be 2 or 3, but I really only remember one and it was closer to the end of the book.
That said, brace yourself for a certain preachiness that infuses every chapter. I wish that the book centralized all the critiques of the modern world (social media, addictive phones, political climate, etc.), so that the other chapters could more purely focus on the intersection of listening and *timeless* characteristics of the human experience (distractability, building of intimacy, a beautiful question, etc.). Instead, you’ll have to muscle through the sense that the author keeps touching on those critiques since she thinks you JUST DO NOT GET IT YET.
I also think there’s an important topic the author missed, or only brushes against: How to engender an environment where you will be listened to. It’s true that listening itself will have this impact — a great way for a person to say with genuine curiosity, “How was your day?”, is to first have that very conversation about *their* day. But you can’t rely on others to bring the same focus and intent to conversations as you will after reading this book. Is there any evidence out in the world of how to help someone *else* shift into “listener” mode? After all, the author makes the case that the best conversations — and even business or academic partnerships — involve *all* participants being listeners.
That said, this is an important work. I’ve looked for accessible best practices for listening, and this is the first I’ve found, and it’s new. I celebrate and thank Kate Murphy for her inspiration and her legwork to give me a framework and tactics to become a better human.
Kate Murphy wrote a really good--short--book that will teach all of its readers so much about what we gain from listening--or not.
Murphy manages this by using her role as a journalist and the many conversations she's had (listened to) with a variety of people that range from a priest in San Juan, Texas to a multitude of Ivy college figures on the subject of listening.
*Readers be warn: the book touches on the importance of listening, though does not necessarily tell you how to become a great listener. While this book is really good, you can probably knock it down in a day or two (I originally was surprised when I saw the hardcover after listening to the audio two times, I was expecting a larger book).
Additional grievance: sometimes it feels like Murphy is trying too hard to picture the simple conversations with the people in her book because the start and endings read like the beginning and conclusions of magazine articles.
Top reviews from other countries
My only reservation is that it seemed to run out of steam, got a bit repetitive and then ended abruptly to make way for pages and pages of footnotes.
I would recommend it to anyone who feels like they are either not being listened to, or you’re prone to not listening properly
Hearing is passive. Listening is active.















