My mother was an alien and my father was a lamp post. I was fed a steady dose of soap bars as a child as punishment for my foul mouth and incessant pranks. Little did anyone know the soap only made me stronger, faster, more agile. My brain filled with bubbles that were 99.9% pure. It was an amazing time. I left the city and moved out to the country where I heard tell there is an amazing banana bread store. I never found it, but I did find love. I loved that tuna sandwich like no other and we were married on the Fourth of July, just like Tom Cruise in that one movie about said date. It was a magical time but alas was not meant to be. I ate it. I tried to move on, writing books and sharing them with the local townsfolk. They would tell me to shut up and make sure I flushed before I left. Never once did I wash my hands like the signs demanded. So here I am, dirty handed and telling my tales. Wanna hear one?