I had mixed reactions to this book. On the one hand, it stands out as one of the most thought-provoking self-help books I have ever read. The ideas in it are profoundly spiritual and, at the same time, very practical. Although it doesn't explicitly align itself with Buddhism, some of the later chapters in particular resonate with Buddhist teachings. In the balance, it comes off more as transpersonal psychology, not as spirituality, and it's a little edgy. These are all things that I love about this book.
On the other hand, I was really exasperated with the specific language that the author suggests for "getting real." To avoid the trap of projecting your stuff onto other people, she offers certain sentence frames that you can use as a way of expressing difficult feelings. There are definitely dangers in "reading into" other people's intentions and feelings, I'll agree with that. But I found some of the scripting to be incredibly stilted and awkward. I think the one I had the biggest reaction to was her insistence on using the phrase "I imagine that you are _______," (feeling insecure, angry, etc.). The rationale for that phrase, again, is to avoid the projection that comes with statements like "I feel that you're angry with me," which, as the author explains, is often just a judgment or projection disguised as an I-statement.
I had such a strong reaction to this that I had to write this review. Number one, I think it's often possible to make reasonable deductions about another person's inner state based on his or her behavior. Yes, you have to be careful about projections, but I think that making certain kinds of deductions based on certain kinds of behavior really isn't that difficult. Personally, I find that I am often on target in what I'm sensing about another person, and my perceptions are often confirmed later on. If anything, I actually get into trouble more often when I second-guess what I sense or perceive about a situation or another person. But, in reading this book, I felt like the author was discouraging me from having trust in my perceptions. Imagining, by definition, entails a disconnect between your perceptions and what's real. For me, I am comfortable "knowing what I know" and "seeing what I see." I want to strengthen my connection with my ability to sense things, not turn it into some kind of abstraction, and that's what "I imagine that you feel _____" feels like to me.
Secondly, the whole issue of projection can be avoided by simply asking the other person what they feel. Tell them what you think and then ask them if it has any validity: "I have a feeling you're angry with me. Does that have any validity?" or "Is there any truth to that?" I'm not a psychologist, but this seems like a way of expressing your perceptions and inviting the other person to share what's going on for them.
Having got that out of my system, I can say that this book is well worth reading if you're interested in personal growth and authentic communication. Try reading the table of content, and you will get a feeling what it's about. There is a lot of wisdom in here.
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Shame on the seller
I ordered this book which was labeled new. When I finally settled in to start reading I opened the book to page after page of marks, scribbles, circles etc. Wow! I added a few photos of what I received. This is every page. I would like to read the book and apply to my own life without looking into someone else’s.
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- Mike VincentReviewed in the United Kingdom on December 25, 2012
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