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This item: Punished By Rewards: Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Edition: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes
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Top reviews from other countries
Jill McPherson
Very insightful
Reviewed in Canada on March 23, 2019
Jill McPherson
Reviewed in Canada on March 23, 2019
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Read it so hard it fell apart!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 15, 2019
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Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 15, 2019
If you're not going to buy it please take away this message - you *should* actively comment on how you NOTICE your child's hard-work, efforts, abilities, strengths, eg "you've drawn a very colourful picture, tell me about it" "you climbed right up to the top all by yourself!" and it's okay to let your voice and tone speak for your approval, and direct your child to how they might feel "Wow! You must feel so proud of yourself"... However, do try and try as hard as you can not to JUDGE their work with a "well done" "good job" "it's beautiful" or other similar judgy compliment (even though it's a "positive" judgement) - because ultimately you want your child to learn not to rely on other people's praise, even yours, but to assess their own work and to be able to be proud of themselves even when the external praise doesn't come. If not they will never really be satisfied until every last person approves of their work, you want them to be happy with their own approval. You also don't want their brains to get a kick from praise because it will quickly rely on it (praise is essentially verbal/social reward) because it quickly forms a neuro-transmitter addiction - so they slowly lose the ability to feel our human natural internal reward for the things they learn and the things they do since it is overtaken for the need for more addictive external reward. Taken to the extreme you have a kid who only works/learns for money/toys/sweets or whatever, and when these things diminish the effort diminishes.
Also, please take away the idea that is absolutely absolutely beneficial and even essential to tell your child you love them and you are proud of them - just try to keep these unrelated to and separated in time from the things they have just done, as it sends a similar message that you love them because of what they achieve, which gives a message of insecurity "they won't love me if I stop achieving xyz". Your actions, your attention and your look of pride will tell them all they need to know on these occasions - so use these occasions to direct your child's attention to how they might feel IN THEMSELVES, how they should feel self-pride and enjoy their moment.
You can see, I've read and annotated my book to the extent that it fell apart, this is partly because it's a secondhand book (arrived in fine condition) but mostly that I have read the living heck out of it!
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