<i>"Many Christians simply aren’t experiencing amazing, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, great sex. We want to change that.”
“We’ve got a lot of treatments for sex in the church...But have we, as the church, taken the time to ask if any of our treatments even work?”
“We realized that giving healthy information is not enough if people are also consistently consuming bad advice from the wider Christian culture. But we didn’t want to simply put forth a new set of opinions—we wanted data. We wanted an evidence-based treatment. So we surveyed over twenty thousand women...We wanted to get to the bottom of what makes sex great--but also what can make it bad.”</i>
Wow. I have read Sheila's blog off and on for many years and had many personal breakthroughs on this topic in bits and pieces, so I knew this book was going to be important. But I was unprepared for just how <i>desperately needed</i> this book is.
Using survey results and excerpts from highly influential Christian bestsellers, the authors tackle some of the messages in popular books and teachings, and the consequences those messages have had on women and marriages. Some of the excerpts are disturbing and horrifying. I found myself feeling sick and discouraged as I realized how widely harmful these messages have been. Some of it was downright depressing. I knew there was some bad stuff out there but I had no idea HOW bad and <i>how much there was.</i>
After reading The Great Sex Rescue, I came to the surprising conclusion that <i>I don’t want my husband to read this book</i>, and not for reasons you might think. Here’s why:
He has never read any of the Christian bestsellers that are referenced, (such as Every Man's Battle, Love & Respect, etc.) and though he grew up in the same courtship and purity culture that I did, we have already deconstructed many of those beliefs together and replaced them with good truths.
Ironically, the bad messages in those bestsellers are so bad I don't even want him to read excerpts of them included in The Great Sex Rescue! It was necessary to include the excerpts in TGSR to expose their toxic beliefs, and I'm sure many people would hardly believe what some of those books are actually saying if they can't see it for themselves. The authors of TGSR said in an interview that they didn't even include some of the worst excerpts because their editor wouldn't let them: <i>they were too gross.</i> I don’t even want to expose him to the garbage of what these 'nicer' excerpts assume about men! That's how destructive I think they are.
The low standards and stereotypical conclusions they make in these harmful Christian bestsellers are insulting to good husbands who are definitely NOT like the examples portrayed in their books. And the graphic depictions of what they are claiming as ‘normal’ male behavior is so sickening and objectifying of women that I don’t even want those ideas being planted, when we’ve already made such great progress out of those toxic ways of thinking. Instead, I have taken detailed notes from TGSR to share with him, and we are having great conversations about what I’ve gleaned from it.
For myself, I absolutely needed to read this book, because I HAVE read several of the bestselling books mentioned, and I HAVE internalized many of these messages. So I needed to see them exposed for how unChrist-like they really are. For me it has been thought-provoking, saddening, but also freeing and encouraging. And for any men who have been influenced by these teachings and have not yet deconstructed them, this book is an absolute must.
There were some sections that I had to read and re-read a few times over, because I know I’m still affected by the lens of having been raised deep in the courtship and purity culture and I still have more learning and deconstructing to do. I am not set in stone on what I believe on some of these topics yet, and I don’t automatically agree with everything Sheila has ever written either.
Thankfully this is not yet another book shouting “We’re the experts, we have all the answers, follow us;” the authors are instead calling readers to be discerning for themselves and asking a lot of questions that frankly, we are all responsible for ourselves to seek out answers and God’s true intention in the Scriptures. But what is undeniable is that the messages they confront in this book have indeed caused harm, and SERIOUS harm at that, to a devastatingly vast number of marriages, which was far worse than I even realized. I had some awareness of the harm of these messages, but I was absolutely unprepared for the depth and scope of how far that harm extends. We as Christians need to STOP recommending and circulating these bad resources.
The last few chapters are the most hopeful and encouraging, because the whole book culminates with the vision of what healthy marriage and sex should look like, and shows how getting there involves becoming more Christ-like and more biblical. Who doesn't want that in their marriage?
I’m especially grateful that this work has been done so I can share this book with others who have been harmed by these messages. At the end of TGSR there are several healthy resources listed that prove there IS good content already out there. If only the harmful content could be removed from circulation so that our Christian resource options aren’t a minefield of potentially destructive information.
I’ll end with some excerpts from The Great Sex Rescue:
<i>“Our concern is that many Christian books, in their efforts to free couples of sexual sin, reinforce pornography’s view of sex by encouraging men to use their wives’ bodies without consideraton for their hearts.”
“What would happen if instead of church leaders focusing on telling women why they have to “do it or else,” they taught men that they should be generous, selfless lovers?...Negative motivations for sex become less relevant the more she’s having fun. When sex is good for her, why would we feel the need for the obligation-sex message? Of course she’s going to have sex--she likes it! If she says no occasionally, it’s not a big deal because he can rest assured that she’s going to want it again soon. But perhaps the fact that Christian sex and marriage advice so often ignores her pleasure has led to this phenomenon that the only reason she’d ever have sex is because she’s told she has to.”
“Our survey definitively showed that having sex out of obligation, when you feel forced to do so, is never a wonderful thing to do. It robs her of the joy she was meant to experience, and it robs her husband of a marriage in which he is desired, not just placated.”
“The majority of men are good people and do not act like the men in the examples [in many bestselling Christian marriage books]. So we are left with the strange situation in which the people who most strongly relate to the examples given in marriage books are often the ones acting the least like Christ.”
“Women in bad marriage situations are desperately seeking help from our evangelical resources. And apparently the best we have to offer them is “You must have more sex.” Even in counseling situations, the women in our focus groups told us they were recommended evangelical books that did nothing but make matters worse. But the other source bringing this message is the women’s husbands themselves. Combine this with the fact that these women are more likely to have experienced or be currently experiencing abuse, and we are left with the horrifying conclusion that abusive husbands seem to be bringing their wives Christian resources that tell women that if they won’t have sex, they are in sin...
Abusive men are using our evangelical resources as weapons. That’s why Christian resources simply must do better.”</i>
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From the Publisher
After over fifteen years of helping couples have better sex lives, we’ve realized that a lot of problems are not caused by a lack of good information–they’re caused by believing bad teachings. So we did a study of over 20,000 women to figure out which teachings were harmful and which were helpful to help couples learn the truth about sex from a Jesus-centered worldview.
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This book brought permission, clarity, light, and freedom where it has been previously missing.
Reviewed in the United States on March 5, 2021
Imagine standing on the shore of a calm, still lake. The top of the water is crystal blue, and you can gaze across it for yards. As you move closer, you can clearly see through the water that is at your feet. You notice colorful rocks and a variety of fish that swim near the shore. Every once in a while, the playing fish will pick up some of the sand below, making the water murky and then difficult to see through. As you look up a little, you realize that you can see that the water at that distance is clear as well. A little harder to distinguish, though, because of the distance, the ripples, and the reflection of the sun, but it is obvious to you that this lake is tranquil, relaxing, with very few disturbances.
While contemplating the beauty of this lake, you notice a dark wading shadow in the corner of your eye. You look down to catch a glimpse of what other creatures might be found, but before you can distinguish anything, the sand is tossed up inside the water and it is no longer visible. Because this creature was bigger, more sand was disturbed, and it took longer for it to settle back down. By the time it settles, the creature is gone and you didn’t even get a chance to figure out was it was. You decide to take a kayak out in the lake, to enjoy sometime rest and explore what else might be hidden in this body of water. As you get further away from the shore, the water is still relatively clear. The bottom of the lake doesn’t get deep too fast, so it is still possible to discern some of what is below. Slowly, you being to explore what else might be in the waters. While looking towards the right side of your kayak, you notice a cloud of sand being dispersed in the water. “It might be another one of those creatures!” You think to yourself, so you try to fix your eyes in that direction in hopes of seeing what caused the stir. Again, no luck. Slowly, you proceed further out into the lake. Maybe the quick movements startled the creatures? Maybe if you go slow, they won’t notice you getting closer. A little further out, there are two shadows, slowly swimming about, one following after the other. The kayak slows down and you try to setting in a place where you can observe them. You sit for a moment, but they quickly realize that you are there, and swim off with speed, again causing the sand to be disturbed - this time more so - and disturbing your vision of the water. You decide to sit for a moment and let the slow current in the lake move you. You bob up and down while inspecting the scene around you. Soon, you see a small school of bright blue fish swim peacefully below you. Out of nowhere, it seems, their slow swim turns into haste as they shoot off in one direction. You pay more attention and notice another dark shadow swimming in near the area. You realize that that is what startled the fish. You watch it swim, and another shadow comes into view. Then two more. As you put your paddle in the water to creep towards them, they rush off, this time leaving a cloud of sand that takes many minutes to die down. What are these creatures? How are they so intimidating that they scare off the beautiful animals and create such a big cloud of murk in this beautiful lake? This was my marriage. On the surface, it looked great, especially in the beginning. We got along well, we were doing the right things, fulfilling our marital roles, having sex often, and enjoying being around each other. Every so often, there would be a small disturbance that would make it look murky, but it would quickly settle down to the way it was before. Our marriage was wonderful. We had an excellent relationship and being married for a year or two I was ready to give marriage conferences (I laugh at this thought now)! As things progressed, bigger disturbances began to appear, making our marriage murky. These times, the murk would take longer to settle. New issues in our marriage appeared, such as children, home life, friendships, and then sex; sex became an issue - a big one. But what was causing sex to be an issue now if it wasn’t before? It was creatures that had cohabitated with us for many years, but just took time to grow and make their appearance. But what were these creatures that were so problematic? That, I was not able to tell you. As my husband and I began to discuss this disturbance that we were experiencing, I had no name for the creatures provoking it. I could not give an answer and had trouble finding words or reasons for my feelings on the issue. I too was wondering what those dark creatures were. Not being able to identify them easily made them difficult to attack. And they were definitely attacking us. After years of barely scratching the surface on figuring what those creatures were causing, I came across Sheila’s blog. Radical ideas for the Christian community - but they made sense! And they resonated with me. Finally, someone got what I was feeling. Finally, someone gave some words to use. But it was hard. It was like opening up a wound that I didn’t realize existed. I knew that I needed to learn more, though, so continued to pursue more of what she had written. One desperate day when I needed to decide on steps to fix my marriage, I went on a shopping spree, purchasing many of her books, including preordering The Great Sex Rescue. Getting the opportunity to read the book before it was released, I knew that I needed to take advantage of it, and, man, I am so glad that I did. This book has given me so many words that I have had trouble expressing. I had ideas in my head that I could not formulate to be able to express adequately why something was wrong or why I felt a certain way. This book explains it beautifully. It has allowed me to understand what dark creatures have been causing problems in our sex life, and what was disturbing the clarity. The fact that this book is based on a HUGE study on the impacts that many evangelical teachings on marriage have had validates my experiences and makes me realize that I am not the outlier. I am so grateful for this work and highly recommend it to all couples, but especially those who have read any Christian marriage books before. It should also be mandatory for those in any type of ministry to married couples or people. If your sex life is struggling, please give it a better chance and examine it truly as the Bible shares, not how many Christian marriage “experts” have portrayed it to be. Read this book to look at it with a better lens and to provide your marriage and sex life with a fighting chance.
Reviewed in the United States on March 5, 2021
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Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on March 9, 2021
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on March 5, 2021
While contemplating the beauty of this lake, you notice a dark wading shadow in the corner of your eye. You look down to catch a glimpse of what other creatures might be found, but before you can distinguish anything, the sand is tossed up inside the water and it is no longer visible. Because this creature was bigger, more sand was disturbed, and it took longer for it to settle back down. By the time it settles, the creature is gone and you didn’t even get a chance to figure out was it was.
You decide to take a kayak out in the lake, to enjoy sometime rest and explore what else might be hidden in this body of water. As you get further away from the shore, the water is still relatively clear. The bottom of the lake doesn’t get deep too fast, so it is still possible to discern some of what is below. Slowly, you being to explore what else might be in the waters. While looking towards the right side of your kayak, you notice a cloud of sand being dispersed in the water. “It might be another one of those creatures!” You think to yourself, so you try to fix your eyes in that direction in hopes of seeing what caused the stir. Again, no luck.
Slowly, you proceed further out into the lake. Maybe the quick movements startled the creatures? Maybe if you go slow, they won’t notice you getting closer. A little further out, there are two shadows, slowly swimming about, one following after the other. The kayak slows down and you try to setting in a place where you can observe them. You sit for a moment, but they quickly realize that you are there, and swim off with speed, again causing the sand to be disturbed - this time more so - and disturbing your vision of the water.
You decide to sit for a moment and let the slow current in the lake move you. You bob up and down while inspecting the scene around you. Soon, you see a small school of bright blue fish swim peacefully below you. Out of nowhere, it seems, their slow swim turns into haste as they shoot off in one direction. You pay more attention and notice another dark shadow swimming in near the area. You realize that that is what startled the fish. You watch it swim, and another shadow comes into view. Then two more. As you put your paddle in the water to creep towards them, they rush off, this time leaving a cloud of sand that takes many minutes to die down. What are these creatures? How are they so intimidating that they scare off the beautiful animals and create such a big cloud of murk in this beautiful lake?
This was my marriage. On the surface, it looked great, especially in the beginning. We got along well, we were doing the right things, fulfilling our marital roles, having sex often, and enjoying being around each other. Every so often, there would be a small disturbance that would make it look murky, but it would quickly settle down to the way it was before. Our marriage was wonderful. We had an excellent relationship and being married for a year or two I was ready to give marriage conferences (I laugh at this thought now)!
As things progressed, bigger disturbances began to appear, making our marriage murky. These times, the murk would take longer to settle. New issues in our marriage appeared, such as children, home life, friendships, and then sex; sex became an issue - a big one. But what was causing sex to be an issue now if it wasn’t before? It was creatures that had cohabitated with us for many years, but just took time to grow and make their appearance.
But what were these creatures that were so problematic? That, I was not able to tell you. As my husband and I began to discuss this disturbance that we were experiencing, I had no name for the creatures provoking it. I could not give an answer and had trouble finding words or reasons for my feelings on the issue. I too was wondering what those dark creatures were. Not being able to identify them easily made them difficult to attack. And they were definitely attacking us.
After years of barely scratching the surface on figuring what those creatures were causing, I came across Sheila’s blog. Radical ideas for the Christian community - but they made sense! And they resonated with me. Finally, someone got what I was feeling. Finally, someone gave some words to use.
But it was hard. It was like opening up a wound that I didn’t realize existed. I knew that I needed to learn more, though, so continued to pursue more of what she had written. One desperate day when I needed to decide on steps to fix my marriage, I went on a shopping spree, purchasing many of her books, including preordering The Great Sex Rescue.
Getting the opportunity to read the book before it was released, I knew that I needed to take advantage of it, and, man, I am so glad that I did. This book has given me so many words that I have had trouble expressing. I had ideas in my head that I could not formulate to be able to express adequately why something was wrong or why I felt a certain way. This book explains it beautifully. It has allowed me to understand what dark creatures have been causing problems in our sex life, and what was disturbing the clarity. The fact that this book is based on a HUGE study on the impacts that many evangelical teachings on marriage have had validates my experiences and makes me realize that I am not the outlier.
I am so grateful for this work and highly recommend it to all couples, but especially those who have read any Christian marriage books before. It should also be mandatory for those in any type of ministry to married couples or people.
If your sex life is struggling, please give it a better chance and examine it truly as the Bible shares, not how many Christian marriage “experts” have portrayed it to be. Read this book to look at it with a better lens and to provide your marriage and sex life with a fighting chance.
This book brought permission, clarity, light, and freedom where it has been previously missing.
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on March 5, 2021
Imagine standing on the shore of a calm, still lake. The top of the water is crystal blue, and you can gaze across it for yards. As you move closer, you can clearly see through the water that is at your feet. You notice colorful rocks and a variety of fish that swim near the shore. Every once in a while, the playing fish will pick up some of the sand below, making the water murky and then difficult to see through. As you look up a little, you realize that you can see that the water at that distance is clear as well. A little harder to distinguish, though, because of the distance, the ripples, and the reflection of the sun, but it is obvious to you that this lake is tranquil, relaxing, with very few disturbances.
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on March 5, 2021
While contemplating the beauty of this lake, you notice a dark wading shadow in the corner of your eye. You look down to catch a glimpse of what other creatures might be found, but before you can distinguish anything, the sand is tossed up inside the water and it is no longer visible. Because this creature was bigger, more sand was disturbed, and it took longer for it to settle back down. By the time it settles, the creature is gone and you didn’t even get a chance to figure out was it was.
You decide to take a kayak out in the lake, to enjoy sometime rest and explore what else might be hidden in this body of water. As you get further away from the shore, the water is still relatively clear. The bottom of the lake doesn’t get deep too fast, so it is still possible to discern some of what is below. Slowly, you being to explore what else might be in the waters. While looking towards the right side of your kayak, you notice a cloud of sand being dispersed in the water. “It might be another one of those creatures!” You think to yourself, so you try to fix your eyes in that direction in hopes of seeing what caused the stir. Again, no luck.
Slowly, you proceed further out into the lake. Maybe the quick movements startled the creatures? Maybe if you go slow, they won’t notice you getting closer. A little further out, there are two shadows, slowly swimming about, one following after the other. The kayak slows down and you try to setting in a place where you can observe them. You sit for a moment, but they quickly realize that you are there, and swim off with speed, again causing the sand to be disturbed - this time more so - and disturbing your vision of the water.
You decide to sit for a moment and let the slow current in the lake move you. You bob up and down while inspecting the scene around you. Soon, you see a small school of bright blue fish swim peacefully below you. Out of nowhere, it seems, their slow swim turns into haste as they shoot off in one direction. You pay more attention and notice another dark shadow swimming in near the area. You realize that that is what startled the fish. You watch it swim, and another shadow comes into view. Then two more. As you put your paddle in the water to creep towards them, they rush off, this time leaving a cloud of sand that takes many minutes to die down. What are these creatures? How are they so intimidating that they scare off the beautiful animals and create such a big cloud of murk in this beautiful lake?
This was my marriage. On the surface, it looked great, especially in the beginning. We got along well, we were doing the right things, fulfilling our marital roles, having sex often, and enjoying being around each other. Every so often, there would be a small disturbance that would make it look murky, but it would quickly settle down to the way it was before. Our marriage was wonderful. We had an excellent relationship and being married for a year or two I was ready to give marriage conferences (I laugh at this thought now)!
As things progressed, bigger disturbances began to appear, making our marriage murky. These times, the murk would take longer to settle. New issues in our marriage appeared, such as children, home life, friendships, and then sex; sex became an issue - a big one. But what was causing sex to be an issue now if it wasn’t before? It was creatures that had cohabitated with us for many years, but just took time to grow and make their appearance.
But what were these creatures that were so problematic? That, I was not able to tell you. As my husband and I began to discuss this disturbance that we were experiencing, I had no name for the creatures provoking it. I could not give an answer and had trouble finding words or reasons for my feelings on the issue. I too was wondering what those dark creatures were. Not being able to identify them easily made them difficult to attack. And they were definitely attacking us.
After years of barely scratching the surface on figuring what those creatures were causing, I came across Sheila’s blog. Radical ideas for the Christian community - but they made sense! And they resonated with me. Finally, someone got what I was feeling. Finally, someone gave some words to use.
But it was hard. It was like opening up a wound that I didn’t realize existed. I knew that I needed to learn more, though, so continued to pursue more of what she had written. One desperate day when I needed to decide on steps to fix my marriage, I went on a shopping spree, purchasing many of her books, including preordering The Great Sex Rescue.
Getting the opportunity to read the book before it was released, I knew that I needed to take advantage of it, and, man, I am so glad that I did. This book has given me so many words that I have had trouble expressing. I had ideas in my head that I could not formulate to be able to express adequately why something was wrong or why I felt a certain way. This book explains it beautifully. It has allowed me to understand what dark creatures have been causing problems in our sex life, and what was disturbing the clarity. The fact that this book is based on a HUGE study on the impacts that many evangelical teachings on marriage have had validates my experiences and makes me realize that I am not the outlier.
I am so grateful for this work and highly recommend it to all couples, but especially those who have read any Christian marriage books before. It should also be mandatory for those in any type of ministry to married couples or people.
If your sex life is struggling, please give it a better chance and examine it truly as the Bible shares, not how many Christian marriage “experts” have portrayed it to be. Read this book to look at it with a better lens and to provide your marriage and sex life with a fighting chance.
Images in this review
Top reviews from other countries
L.E.
The Great Sex Rescue brings life and hope to hurting marriages
Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on March 2, 2021Anon
Well researched, it is a rally cry for great sex.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on March 12, 2021Julia Belanger
A book of healing for those harmed my toxic theology surrounding sex.
Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on March 2, 2021Rachel
Redrawing the Path toward Wholeness in Marriage
Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on March 2, 2021
