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Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship Paperback – Illustrated, January 2, 2012
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"What the heck is my partner thinking?" is a common refrain in romantic relationships, and with good reason. Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts.
Wired for Loveis a complete insider’s guide to understanding your partner’s brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Synthesizing research findings on how and why love lasts drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this book presents ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship.
Strengthen your relationship by:• Creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble”
• Using morning and evening rituals to stay connected
• Learning to fight so that nobody loses
• Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved
By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure. The no-fault view of conflict in this book encourages readers to move past a "warring brain" mentality and toward a more cooperative "loving brain" understanding of the relationship. This book is essential reading for couples and others interested in understanding the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships.
While there’s no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you can discover how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences to create a lasting intimate connection.
The Amazon Book Review
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From the Publisher
Which relationship style best reflects you or your partner?
Secure as individuals.
Willing to commit and fully share with another.
Generally happy people.
Adapt easily to the needs of the moment.
Independent and self-reliant.
Take good care of themselves.
Productive and creative, especially when given space.
Generous and giving.
Focused on taking care of others.
Happiest when around other people.
Able to see both sides of an issue.
“This book is grounded in the latest brain science, as well as being wonderfully friendly, encouraging, and practical. It shows readers how to stay out of dead-end conflicts and instead light up the neural circuits of empathy, skillful communication, and love. A marvelous resource.”
—Rick Hanson, PhD, author of Buddha's Brain
“I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot from it that I can use as a therapist. Stan Tatkin is a great innovator. This book is a must for every couples’ therapist’s library.”
—John Gottman, author of The Science of Trust
“If you feel lost, confused or alone in your relationship, get this book right now. You will finally make sense out of chaos and pain. This is your map to go from frustration and insecurity to realize the potential of why you initially got together. Stan Tatkin’s insightful book will teach you to work as a team to make your relationship journey safe, engaging, and deeply satisfying.”
—Peter Pearson, PhD, couples therapy specialist and cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
“Stan Tatkin shows how our couple relationships would look if we took seriously what attachment theory and neuroscience research has taught us.”
—Dan Wile, author of After the Honeymoon
“Wired for Love challenges partners to experience their relationship in a totally new way. Partners will learn how to engage positively as a couple to help each other feel safe and secure by following the relationship exercises suggested in this exciting new book. In clear, concise language, Tatkin describes the ways that partners can understand and become experts on one another. He suggests building a “couple bubble” wherein each partner is the most important person in the other’s life, the one individual on whom the partner can always count.”
—Marion F. Solomon, director of clinical training at Lifespan Learning Institute and author of Narcissism and Intimacy, Lean on Me, and other books
“Read this book to discover a multitude of new ways to enliven your relationship and end needless conflicts. Stan Tatkin is one of the most innovative thinkers in the couples relationship world today. It's impossible to read this book without learning new patterns to enhance your love.”
—Ellyn Bader, PhD, cocreator of the developmental model of couples therapy, codirector of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA, and author of Tell Me No Lies and In Quest of the Mythical Mate
“Reading Stan Tatkin’s book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With intense and fearless clarity, he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war.”
—Esther Perel, LMFT, author of Mating in Captivity
About the Author
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couple therapy. He teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills and lives with his wife and daughter in Calabasas, CA.
Foreword writer Harville Hendrix, PhD, is a clinical pastoral counselor, cocreator of imago relationship therapy, and author of Getting the Love You Want.
- Publisher : New Harbinger Publications; 1st edition (January 2, 2012)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 200 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1608820580
- ISBN-13 : 978-1608820580
- Item Weight : 9.9 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.75 x 0.5 x 8.75 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #9,911 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #25 in Conflict Management
- #32 in Family Conflict Resolution
- #95 in Marriage
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
Top reviews from the United States
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He provides ten basic premises for maintaining a good marriage. He speaks often of the 'couple bubble'. This is a way for couples to put one another first, to keep themselves a priority for one another in spite of all the influx of information and experiences that come their way. Couples need to form a bubble, a safe place where they are available to one another 24/7 and they attempt to fulfill their partner's needs in any way they can. It goes both ways and it is a protective device.
I also liked his analogy of 'ambassadors' and 'primitives'. Ambassadors are the rational aspects of our brain that steer our relationship. The primitives are the more basic aspects of survival that most of us have been programmed for as children. It is more of a 'fight or flight' component that each of us has. There needs to be an understanding in ourselves of these two components of our brain and, more importantly, depending on our upbringing, we may need to work on understanding what makes our partner tick.
The book is accessible to anyone, therapist or layman. The information is very helpful and can be used by any married couple. Therapists will be pleased to see that Tatkin quotes the most recent research and incorporates it in his book. I found this book very intuitive and have used his suggestions in the therapy I already do. However, I have picked up some new ideas that I will surely incorporate in the future.
While I have not lavished my husband with the advice given to me, I have incorporated some of it. It was uncomfortable to see how I was defined. I was a "wave" and wanted to be an "island." My husband was an "island." But, I saw myself from his perspective which was extremely beneficial. I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to have a closer relationship with a signficant other. Gender in this book is of no importance which I found to be enlightening. There is no "it's a girl or a boy thing." There are no platitudes.
I gave the book a four star review because I found myself skimming a lot of it. A therapist neighbor recommended it on a walk as something she was reading and liking. I am less motivated than she to apply all the nuances. Thus, I could not say it was stellar simply because I tend to save five stars for books more in my 'love to read" interests-- primarily fiction and non-fiction with more of a literary, spiritual or historical bent. I have less interest now in the" self "help catagory and more in the help" others" one. But, i realize that the first piece of helping others must be getting oneself fit in every aspect.
If I could return the kindle book, I would.
I have genuinely no idea who the audience that enjoys this book would be/ look like.
Stay away from this if you are also a survivor of DV/IPV. So many red flags.
*They tried: The writing (and/or the editor) is probably attempting to be folksy/ down to earth.
It turned out: Like a Goofus vs Gallant cartoon has been transcribed in unnecessary detail.
*They tried: The explanations following the Goofus v Gallant episodes are followed by the author trying to make the psych/ general science information more accessible to people by using his own novel terms in place of established technical terms.
How it came out: Some books are quite deft at bringing studies into everyday life; this book is NOT one of them. Basic terms that made sense in their original/ studied form-- but perhaps had to be changed for $ reasons-- are actually made more complex and less accessible by the author's replacements. In some instances, vocabulary replacements deviate so greatly from the original term you must either (A) Keep a list of vocabulary words to have on hand while reading or, (B) hope you know the technical terms to back-translate. Sure, neither of option is terrible for a quick read-- unless you want to go read anything on relationships by literally anyone else. Whywhywhy do that to your readers???
If you are also a survivor of abuse or intimate partner violence, probs skip this one. Based off of the 40% of the book I slogged through before realizing the writing style was not going to somehow improve, this author does NOT understand how Intimate Partner Violence/ Domestic Violence "works" and the ways it impacts us survivors.
Terms and experiences survivors will identify as red flag warnings of an unsafe person or situation? Book just treats those like a fun example of a "normal" argument.( I legit said "NOPENOPENOPENOPE!!!" while reading on multiple occasions.)
Vocab words used to name and discuss trauma OUTSIDE this book, are used as "normal" terms of normal relationships in this book. (So much nope, so little time.) For example, L. Bancroft's use of the word "war" in a relationahip =/= Tatkin's use of the word "war" in a relationship. While this is an editing choice rather than intentionally unsafe advice from the author (I hope), survivors will likely find this book to be full of alarm bells, red flags, and unhelpful information. Hard pass on it, Sisters.