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Rob Henderson
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Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class Hardcover – February 20, 2024

by Rob Henderson (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,003 ratings
Editors' pick Best Nonfiction
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In this “affecting…intriguing…heartbreaking” (Booklist) coming-of-age memoir, Rob Henderson vividly recounts growing up in foster care, enlisting in the US Air Force, attending elite universities, and pioneering the concept of “luxury beliefs”—ideas and opinions that confer status on the upper class while inflicting costs on the less fortunate.

Rob Henderson was born to a drug-addicted mother and a father he never met, ultimately shuttling between ten different foster homes in California. When he was adopted into a loving family, he hoped that life would finally be stable and safe. But divorce, tragedy, poverty, and violence marked his adolescent and teen years, propelling Henderson to join the military upon completing high school.

A “vivid, insightful, poignant, and powerful” (Nicholas A. Christakis, author of Blueprint) portrait of shattered families, desperation, and determination, Troubled recounts Henderson’s expectation-defying young life and juxtaposes his story with those of his friends who wound up incarcerated or killed.

As he navigates the peaks and valleys of social class, Henderson finds that he remains on the outside looking in. His greatest achievements—a military career, an undergraduate education from Yale, a PhD from Cambridge—feel like hollow measures of success. He argues that stability at home is more important than external accomplishments, and he illustrates the ways the most privileged among us benefit from a set of social standards that actively harm the most vulnerable.
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  1. Print length
    336 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Gallery Books
  4. Publication date
    February 20, 2024
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 1.3 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1982168536
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1982168537
  8. See all details
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Popular Highlights in this book
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Previous page
  1. Even when you present opportunities to deprived kids, many of them will decline them on purpose because, after years of maltreatment, they often have little desire to improve their lives.
    Highlighted by 271 Kindle readers
  2. I’ve come to understand that a warm and loving family is worth infinitely more than the money or accomplishments I hoped might compensate for them.
    Highlighted by 243 Kindle readers
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From the Publisher

Troubled

Editorial Reviews

Review

“A memoir of hardscrabble living, from foster care to the Air Force to Yale…. [Henderson] traces the contours of his remarkable and often-harrowing life, starting with his abandonment by his birth parents after serious mistreatment…. poignantly describ[ing] his rocky journey through numerous foster homes…. Shrewd on the narrowness and hypocrisy of elites… [he] is at his best in the frank observations about his trip up the ‘American status ladder’…. A blunt story about overcoming adversity.” —Kirkus Reviews

“Affecting…intriguing…heartbreaking...This eye-opening account lays bare the realities of America's deep economic and social divides.”
— Booklist

“Henderson’s story of self-discovery, growth, and resilience is a valuable contribution to the conversation about how our society must contend with the forever problem of kids who get separated from their parents—a subject shrouded in darkness.”
—LA Review of Books

“Rob Henderson had an incredibly challenging upbringing—raised as a foster kid in circumstances most children (thankfully) never know. His educational achievements are extraordinary. What’s more extraordinary is that he’s a keen observer of both the world he came from and the world he now inhabits. He has learned the importance of family despite never having one of his own, and he delivers that message in a gripping way. Read this book. It will challenge both your heart and mind. A rare feat.”
—J.D. Vance, author of Hillbilly Elegy

“In his superbly composed memoir, Rob Henderson illuminates an often overlooked segment of our nation. His profound saga — of his struggles as a foster kid attempting to pursue conventional badges of success and coming to realize the importance of family despite never having one — deserves careful attention.”
—Christy Carlson Romano, actress, co-founder of PodCo

“Troubled is an extraordinary document. It is a primary account of historical descriptions of life in working and lower middle class America in the late 20th-century. It is time to sit up and listen to the voices of those who have suffered because of the policies of the highly educated and affluent class that validates and affirms the behaviors and attitudes of marginalized children that they would never accept for themselves or their own children. Rob Henderson's story is breathtaking but all too familiar in this county. He reminds us that the child raised with experiences of abandonment and chaos will experience the same in their relationships and employment.”
—Dr. Drew Pinsky, author of The Mirror Effect

“Troubled reads at times like Hillbilly Elegy or Tara Westover’s Educated…[a] remarkable book.”
—Naomi Schaefer Riley, Commentary

“Troubled is vivid, insightful, poignant, and powerful. Beautifully written, it is a moving memoir, a powerful description of the predicament of countless foster children, and a sophisticated social critique. Using his own astonishing life as a guide, Rob Henderson sheds light on the plight of foster children and the ways that elites and policy makers often adopt ideas that do not, actually, advance the interests of those who are most vulnerable in our society. Troubled is magnificent.”
—Nicholas A. Christakis, author of Blueprint, and Sterling Professor of Social and Natural Science at Yale University

“A captivating memoir about the travails of foster care, the discipline of military service, the importance of family, and the shock of discovering what has become of elite universities, told with a clear voice and focused determination.”
—Jordan B. Peterson, author of 12 Rules for Life

“This memoir is a profound account of a foster child overcoming severe adversity and achieving the unthinkable. Rob's story reminds us of the resilience of the human spirit against all odds and, most of all, what it means to be human. You will likely cry, feel shocked, yet remain hopeful while reading this heart wrenching book.”
—Yeonmi Park, author of While Time Remains

About the Author

Rob Henderson grew up in foster homes in Los Angeles and the rural town of Red Bluff, California. He joined the US Air Force at the age of seventeen. Once described as “self-made” by The New York Times, Rob subsequently received a BS from Yale University and a PhD in psychology from St. Catharine’s College, Cambridge. His writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe, and more. His weekly newsletter is sent to more than fifty thousand subscribers. Learn more at RobKHenderson.com.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Gallery Books (February 20, 2024)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 336 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1982168536
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1982168537
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.3 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,003 ratings

About the author

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Rob Henderson

Rob Henderson

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Rob Henderson is the author of Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class. Once described as “self-made” by the New York Times, he grew up in foster homes in California, served in the US Air Force, and received a BS from Yale and a PhD in psychology from the University of Cambridge, where he studied as a Gates Cambridge scholar. In addition to his popular Substack newsletter, Rob’s writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Boston Globe, among other outlets.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
1,003 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the story compelling, well-written, and insightful. They also describe the content as inspiring, hopeful, and makes them cry and laugh.

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ContentStory complexityWriting style
58 customers mention "Content"58 positive0 negative

Customers find the book insightful, touching, and essential reading. They say it makes them see their childhood in a different light. Readers also say the writing is objective and oriented towards truth. They also say it shows the importance of a loving home to raise children. They mention the book is great for learning about abandoned children and the life of working class Americans. They describe the author as wise, a national treasure, and a thought-provoking and intense read.

"...this story riveting and it is well written with the poignant feeling of lived experience...." Read more

"...I appreciated his original thoughtful analysis regarding “luxury beliefs” that are so prevalent today...." Read more

"...At the same time it offers a just and clear-eyed critique of what he calls "luxury" ideas, and an urgent argument for the supreme importance of..." Read more

"Interesting and worthwhile. Throughout written history we have too little material from disadvantaged. That’s what makes this unique and valuable." Read more

40 customers mention "Story complexity"37 positive3 negative

Customers find the story compelling, amazing, and masterful. They also say the author weaves in life lessons with the real-life tragedies he faced.

""I find this story riveting and it is well written with the poignant feeling of lived experience...." Read more

"Rob’s story is simply inspirational and needed to be told...." Read more

"This is a brutally honest memoir of a child born to a drug-addicted mother...." Read more

"...While the storytelling is compelling, the memoir's trajectory takes a troublesome turn after Rob's acceptance to Yale, where he studies psychology...." Read more

34 customers mention "Writing style"34 positive0 negative

Customers find the writing style well-written, quick, and easy to read. They also appreciate the incredible clarity, excellent explanation of US disorganized and polarized belief systems, and beautiful, painful memoir.

""I find this story riveting and it is well written with the poignant feeling of lived experience...." Read more

"...This is a book for the ages! It demonstrates with incredible clarity that love and care, which are available for children growing up in intact..." Read more

"...Your life will be enriched. Though it is simple to read, it is a deep book, and you may get something different out of it." Read more

"...He distilled into clear, easy to read prose the difficulty in making yourself care what becomes of you when no one else seems to...." Read more

Important and moving book
5 out of 5 stars
Important and moving book
I highly recommend this book. I found Rob's story painful and the lessons important.I finished the book in 48 hours, and emphatically recommend it — especially if you are a college graduate. I remind myself often that a tenet of wisdom is not only reading books that make you uncomfortable, but making a good-faith effort to learn from them.Fair warning, early chapters put tears in my eyes. I’m still processing the themes, and already I’ve found myself trying to pin down the luxury beliefs I carry.Very well written.
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Top reviews from the United States

Willow
5.0 out of 5 stars An honest, gripping story with a compelling message
Reviewed in the United States on August 14, 2024
Verified Purchase
I liked the way the book is structured. It's mostly memoir, but it also has chapters putting the writer's life story into a broader societal context. I sped read it because it is so compelling and well-written.

Rob Henderson doesn't only focus on his childhood but also talks about life in his 20s and the problems he had then that had developed during his early years.

I was surprised by the number of childhood friends he had who also had unstable lives because of their parents' choices. It's a wonder society functions.

Henderson is very big on the two-parent family, and I do agree that two parents usually have more resources (including twice the love!) to provide a child. But I have known children raised by single parents (women) who have turned out to be healthy, successful adults. All of those situations, though, were very stable. The parent stayed in one house, had a stable job, wasn't drug addicted and didn't have a revolving door of romantic partners. They also had support from friends and family. I also know loving couples who have stayed together, but their children have greatly suffered from drug addictions. That's why it's good that Henderson provides a larger, societal picture, which statistically shows the advantages he advocates for.

The look into the foster care system he provided is jarring and it made me want to read other books about it.

I hope Henderson keeps writing and that publishers will publish his work.
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J. Weber
5.0 out of 5 stars A Personal Story That Truly Matters
Reviewed in the United States on February 20, 2024
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The title of Rob Henderson's book couldn't have been picked more aptly. By sharing his experiences in an unflinching manner, he gives his readers access to a perspective that is lacking among people who have never come close to personally experiencing lack, torn-apart relationships, and borderline poverty first-hand. By following him into this abyss of his difficult upbringing, and the initial anything but rosy outlook, I have gained much gratitude for the many good fortunes in my life, and also more deeply understood that many of the measures which we pursue in order to help people may need revisiting. For the past few months, I couldn't wait for February 20 to arrive. And every moment of excitement and anticipation was absolutely worth it.

This is a book for the ages! It demonstrates with incredible clarity that love and care, which are available for children growing up in intact families, is of irreplaceable value. Not because of what it affords people to do with their lives economically -- although that can be seen as a reasonable argument to be made. It simply allows people to aim up properly.

In a one, two gut punch followed by a slap in the face of our current cultural sentiments, Dr. Henderson lays out why and how our current approach to supporting people runs into problems. Humanity is at a crisis point. We seemingly care for one another, and yet our Western societies are coming apart at the seams. How is this possible?

By exploring his own childhood, Henderson reminds us: what people need first and foremost is a reason to sufficiently care for themselves. Only if you can experience yourself as worthy enough to care about what happens to you in the future will you be able to refuse making self-destructive choices in the present. The good life is available for you, and so it is for everyone else -- if you and we collectively can just learn that, no matter how wretched a person may feel in the moment, we all are worthy of being loved.

That is not an easy lesson to come by, however. Without having a secure basis to start from, that is experiencing parents who will again and again affirm this value of life in a child's experience, how would you ever get there. Henderson describes himself as coming from the top 1% of childhood instability. And he has the scars to show it... He escaped from this background -- maybe by sheer luck. And now, he shares with the world his story for everyone to have a chance of getting out. The message is a simple one: provide genuine care and loving challenges to people when it matters, which includes ensuring that children are raised in intact families.

This may sound like a political demand, but it is, I believe, a request for our culture to change. Only if we can connect with this truth in our hearts -- that we are worthy of being loved and appropriately challenged -- can we make change in the world that does not further erode what is left of the precious basis on which our society was founded: that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is every person's God given right. And to deny a young mind the experience of growing up in an intact family is as good as robbing them of that opportunity.

Thank you, Dr. Henderson, for your willingness to share this so openly!
28 people found this helpful
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namedoesntmatter
5.0 out of 5 stars Thought-provoking and insightful
Reviewed in the United States on July 17, 2024
Verified Purchase
Rob’s story is simply inspirational and needed to be told. I learned so much from his perspectives on the effect of family instability on children and the lasting effects that follow them as they navigate family, friendships, the military, educational institutions, and career development. Rob clearly possesses an intellectual curiosity that propelled him to a higher level of the educational system. I appreciated his original thoughtful analysis regarding “luxury beliefs” that are so prevalent today. Rob’s book exposes the irony that these beliefs actually do more harm than good in the lives of disadvantaged people they were intended to help. It’s easy for those with means to flippantly espouse these luxury beliefs without actually having to live with their consequences. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking to understand the impact of societal systems on human development and social mobility.
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Dsantosricci
5.0 out of 5 stars Livro maravilhoso
Reviewed in Brazil on July 21, 2024
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Este livro é muito interessante. Deveriam traduzir ao português, pois há muitas pessoas que se beneficiariam em nosso país. Recomendo .
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Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Thank you Dr. Rob
Reviewed in India on August 13, 2024
Verified Purchase
I have completed reading it, page to page.
It was very useful, the idea of luxury beliefs.
I read it on the recommendation of Dr. Jordan Peterson. Since I watched you on his podcast.
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hoehn
5.0 out of 5 stars Extraordinary perspective on American life
Reviewed in Germany on April 10, 2024
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The story of Rob is moving, insightful and nonetheless enjoyable to read.
One person found this helpful
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Tom Grey
5.0 out of 5 stars Best biography of a foster child from a very very unstable childhood into a Yale grad psychologist.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 1, 2024
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From the inside of elite Yale but coming from the far far outside of LA & CA foster care, Rob has a unique voice, a more authentic Point of View, and a penetrating intellect, combined with an honesty that is socially brutal. He coined the term “Luxury Beliefs” as an obviously true phrase to describe current pathologies of elite rhetoric, where “what they say” is far from “what they do”. The many insights already available in his substack and his X feed demonstrate the value of reading him, and taking him both seriously AND literally.

When an elite Yalie is criticized by a non-elite, the words are ignored, since all non-elite are eminently ignorable. But if it’s from a Yalie, it’s dismissed as hypocrisy – “you’re here, aren’t you?”. He was there, entering Yale in 2015, but that came after years of non-com service in the military, preceded by difficult years being raised first by a drug addict mom, then a series of foster homes, then a problematic adoption & divorce. He was in many schools with poor grades, but living real life stories of young men in bad situations. True stories of real harm, damage, and even death – so different from snowflakes who claim to be harmed by some Halloween costumes.

So many brief stories that are so human, often funny, funny-sad, and too often tragic. A series of snapshots of life among the majority of Americans w/o college degrees. Rob writes with such an empathic voice it’s as easy to keep reading as the first chapter of a Harry Potter book. The problem of elite beliefs is destroying civilization. Problems can’t be fixed unless they are accurately and honestly identified – Troubled, this book, does more to clarify the human problems of luxury beliefs than any other book.
Not just a good book. An important book making the important the point Rob makes: an unstable home is worse for children than poverty. The low number of foster care kids who get a college degree, 3%, is far lower than the 11% who get degrees tho their parents are in the bottom quintile of income (0-20%).

Rob seems to be in the process of becoming the leading psychologist advocating marriage and stable homes for children, with his own example and life experience as something to avoid. Reminds me of how my own father was a good example of what NOT to be as a husband and father.
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Gabriele Latini
5.0 out of 5 stars Best book i have read in my life for now
Reviewed in the Netherlands on March 26, 2024
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The story is breathtaking and once started, I felt it was difficult to detach my attention from the book. The level of detail with which Henderson describes his life's events, his emotions and the evolution of his personality and perception is impressive.
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