Reading The Rules was like sitting in the dental chair - it was painful! I forced myself to read the book because last year I read, He's Just Not That into You. I expected to hate that book, too, but I didn't. It was just so laugh out loud funny that I couldn't help but like it. Also, the message was clear, albeit simplistic; if a man isn't calling you, he's just not interested.
The Rules is definitely retro. I've heard it described as a book that advocates women going back to the fifties. True enough, but not the 1950s -- the 1850s! I could easily imagine Jane Austen writing this book and young women waiting for their gentleman callers in their mother's parlor.
For those who are not familiar with the material, The Rules are a set of guidelines for women to follow that are designed to prevent them from enduring heartbreak and rejection in love. They consist of the following suggestions:
-- Don't speak to a man first in a social setting. Don't ask him to dance, don't stare at him and definitely, don't call him on the phone! A Rules girl needs to play hard to get.
-- After a man calls you up, don't accept a date unless he's giving you ample notice. And don't return his phone call if he happens to get your voicemail. You don't want to seem too eager.
-- Clearly, having sex is not an option. You must wait several months, meanwhile seeing the man no more than two to three times a week. And you will be certified as a suicide relationship bomber if you initiate sex! Don't pay for the date, don't meet him halfway and -- get this -- don't talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes every time he calls you. Pretend to have something else to do so that you seem busy.
-- If you want a man to marry you, don't live with him. Hold out for that ring.
Now, before you dismiss all of this as preposterous, as I was tempted to do, keep in mind that the purpose of the book is to prevent women from suffering. The authors argue that men and women are biologically different and as a result, men need to pursue women. If they don't initiate, they will lose interest. If women don't play hard to get, they will never instill a sense of chronic longing in their man. Moreover, The Rules encourages women to be busy and independent, so that they won't view their man as the center of their existence.
As a longtime feminist who has broken all of the rules all of my life, I must concede that some of them may have merit. Whether it's biological or sociocultural, men are different from women. There is still a double standard in society. If a guy goes after a women for a year and she shows no interest in him, he is simply persistent. If a woman does the same thing, she's desperate. There's no term for a man who "chases" women because that's what a guy is supposed to do (I'm not talking about a womanizer or a stalker. I'm talking about an ordinary guy going after an ordinary girl/women.) Why is the word "chase" always used in reference to women, kind of like the words "loose" or "easy?" (Heard of any men who were called sluts recently? I rest my case.)
Now, I think that the double standard is completely wrong and that's why I've always violated it. However, the end result has often been that I have pursued men who were not interested in me, or how end up being quite passive later on in the relationship. In my book, D'Amour Road, my main character has an unrequited crush on a younger man. That scenario resulted directly from my interest in this topic of women pursuing men. Theoretically, it's a good thing. The sexes should be equal. In all of my interactions with men, I always try to treat them the same way that Itreat females. But the sad fact is that they're not females, especially when it comes to sex and romance.
So if The Rules sounds antiquated, they are. But that doesn't mean that they may not be effective. I can't imagine following them all religiously, particularly the one about not returning a man's phone call, which seems incredibly rude. But I can see embracing a modified version of The Rules for self-protection and to simplify my life.
Let's face it. If a guy is interested in me or in you, he can pick up the phone. How hard is that? If we as women keep making the first move -- which should be our right -- how will we know if the man was interested beforehand? Is it just responding to our friendliness? Fein also cautions against revealing too much about yourself during the first month or two. Sounds Stepfordish but if you think about it, why do we need to tell anyone who is brand-new in our life all about the baggage that we carry around day in and day out? That's true of new female friends, new male friends or budding relationships.
Yes, The Rules are at least 150 years out of date and they are extremely irritating and disheartening to anyone with a feminist or postmodern perspective, but I found them to have *some* redeeming value. And I'm going to test some of them out, just for the hell of it.
Sigrid Mac
Author of D'Amour Road
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Customer reviews
Yes, don’t listen to the naysayers unless you want to go Dutch
Reviewed in the United States on April 10, 2021
Yes ladies, The Rules work! ;) They are based on evolutionary psychology and acknowledge the many differences between men and women. It’s funny I found myself naturally practicing the rules before I even knew about this book! My now husband has treated me like a princess since the first day we met. Ring after 1 year of dating. He loved chasing me and now will do anything for me. I highly recommend this book!!
Reviewed in the United States on April 10, 2021
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Amazon Customer
Men and women are equal but not the same romantically
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 19, 2016
Men and women are equal but not the same romantically
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 19, 2016
The hard cover was purchased of Book 1 and it comes with at the back most important rules which you can cut out to keep as a reminder. I'm a woman btw!Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 19, 2016
The rules have changed my life. I date healthier and I notice men who aren't good for me much quicker. The rules helps you to stop and assess if a man is truly a good man and right for you.
It's like the girl who keeps going in and out of bad relationships. . . How mindful are you being of these guys before it gets to a certain point? When you see the inital abuse or the first sign of manipulation and your gut tells you this isn't good - BE DONE. DON'T STAY TO SEE IF HE WILL CHANGE. HOW IT GOES ON FROM THAT POINT IS NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD. We can teach people how to treat us but the minute you notice a guy doesn't want to meet your standards of good treatment or he starts treating you badly be done with him. Don't beg him to treat you good because the longer you stay hoping the more energy, years and time you waste when you could have met someone who actually does treat you better. Be true to yourself, let a bad thing go before it gets worse!
Someone needed to read that ^
Buy the book and see what it will do for you.
While it is a guideline; use your common sense.
If a guy doesn't pull out your chair but opens the door for you don't dump him.
The rules are for feminism but real feminism isn't about becoming a man. It's about equality. What some women have yet to understand is... Men AND women aren't the same yet they are equal. You think differently, your biological make up is different; and the way you respond to things are different as you are the OPPOSITE SEX!
You work well together. Don't work against nature / against each other. You can be aggressive in business but men love your feminine essence. When a man is seeking a wife or partner he isn't looking for another man (unless he's gay theres a chapter in there for same sex relations also) but if you are straight then you need to understand, you will emasculate him. You can't get a guy by emasculating him. A straight man doesn't want to come home and have sex with another man. Some women have lost their femininity because they feel they need to be a man to get far in life.
Men respect our differences ladies and they love it. Don't take that away. Some of you wonder why your husband or boyfriends don't make more effort... why should he when he's made to feel like he's useless or like he's the woman and your the man? Women need to learn balance these days. Don't kid yourself, lose the dominating leader role when with a man. The fact is biologically this is how it works even if a guy says he likes you chasing him and doing all the work... aren't you tired of it? Did the guy you chase marry you even though he said he liked it? Even if he married you, can you say your marriage is a happy one? I want to be a woman who says I AM HAPPILY MARRIED not just married.
So how much did he really like it when you chased him if he isn't around anymore? If you really like it you put a ring on it.
When you male dominant energy obsessed women start thinking like men but acting like ladies you will get best of both worlds. Until then, keep being miserable and die lonely.
No one wants to die lonely! Don't you want to die loved and with great memories of your life with a loved one? Know your role when you are where you are. That means, at work be the boss, and at home be the nurturing lady. Sometimes I feel as a woman some women feel inferior as women. You can't feel inferior unless someone makes you feel that way. Men aren't your enemy. Stop treating them like such.
If you want to be happily married; get over yourself, learn the balancing act and know your power as a woman:embrace you!
The book is about more than make up and dressing well. It's about embracing your difference and still being an empowered woman! Understand the bigger message and you will be happy. My best friend read this and is happily married. She was a crazy feminist (eg believed romance must be equal and you can speak to a man first who you think is hot) and believed in aggression in romance and work until she realised and really took notice of what's happening around her that it's not true you can't use the same method to everything...it's madness. If your method is STILL FAILING get the RULES. Your life may change for the better. Women do what they must to get what they want.
Some women can't bite their tongue OR silently teach men either...HOW HAS THAT WORKED FOR YOU? ARE YOU HAPPILY MARRIED? Some women also feeling doing what they want to do is the best way to live and love. Is it really? REALLY? HOW IS THAT WORKING FOR YOU? OR SHOULD I SAY HOW HAS IT NOT BEEN WORKING FOR YOU?
You may feel like doing whatever you want or speaking your mind all the time but does it work? If NOT, try The RULES!
When you get tired of being hurt and tired of your way not working...you will come back to this book and eventually see what has gotten so many women what they truly wanted.
FYI THE RULES DO GET CRITICISM AND FOR ONE I HEARD RECENTLY I WILL SAY IT ON HERE; Rules girls don't get married if a man proposes at 3 months. We would accept and be engaged for another 5 months to be sure he is who he has given the impression of being from the beginning. WE EVALUATE.
That way we won't get trapped into nasty surprises. If a man disrespects you aswell: NEXT!! THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH SOME WOMEN THEY AREN'T CAREFULLY EVALUATING AT EVERY STEP OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND DATING PROCESS. IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL LOSE AND THEN YOU CAN ONLY BLAME YOURSELF.
Read Rule 1 before going on dates and take 3 social actions a week to meet men. Don't give up hope!! If your unemployed you can still do the rules by doing voluntary work or continuing with your hobbies and learning to cook light dishes. You still have your friends and meet in the park or have picnics. You can still do the rules if your a mother; how? There's a chapter on this. Women with kids also finds out quicker who wants them so don't see your child or kids as a burden. A man shouldn't meet your kids til he's proven he's worthy too. When a man says he loves you and it's been 5 or 6 months then he should meet the mini special part of you (Your son or daughters). Men also will have to book you up in advance as you have kids and plans to do so you know right away if he's not playing around or is a time waster. Men who also want to sleep with you won't make it past 3 / 4 months of dating you. For more info book a consult with Ellen and Sherrie who wrote the rules or contact a really good affordable rules coach who works with them called Rachel H based in London known as CUAO Dating check her out on facebook. You can contact her through there.
Good luck and believe in yourselves.
The Rules work even in this age!
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lola84
great book; highly recommended to anyone who does not ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 12, 2015
Mary Jane
It was easier back then ay?!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 12, 2018
