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The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Paperback – June 1, 1995

by Gary Chapman (Author)

4.6 880 ratings

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Are you and your spouse speaking the same language? While love is a many splendored thing, it is sometimes a very confusing thing, too. And as people come in all varieties, shapes, and sizes, so do their choices of personal expressions of love. But more often than not, the giver and the receiver express love in two different ways. This can lead to misunderstanding, quarrels, and even divorce. Quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch are the five basic love languages. Dr. Gary Chapman identifies these and guides couples towards a better understanding of their unique languages of love. Learn to speak and understand your mate's love language, and in no time you will be able to effectively love and truly feel loved in return. Skillful communication is within your grasp!

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.

How do you discover your spouses and your own love language? Chapmans short questionnaires are one of several ways to find out. Throughout the book, he also includes application questions that can be answered more extensively in the beautifully detailed companion leather journal (an exclusive Amazon.com set). Each section of the journal corresponds with a chapter from the book, offering opportunities for deeper reflection on your marriage.

Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like hoping the feelings of affection will follow later a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. "Love is a choice," says Chapman. "And either partner can start the process today." --Cindy Crosby. This text refers to the Amazon.com Exclusive Journal & Paperback Book Set.

From the Back Cover

ARE YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE? He sends you flowers when what you really want is time to talk. She gives you a hug when what you really need is a home-cooked meal. The problem isn't your love--it's your love language! In this international best seller, Dr. Gary Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways. In fact, there are five specific languages of love: -Quality Time -Words of Affirmation -Gifts -Acts of Service -Physical Touch What speaks volumes to you may be meaningless to your spouse. But here, at last, is the key to understanding each other's unique needs. Apply the right principles, learn the right language, and soon you'll know the profound satisfaction and joy of being able to express your love--and feeling truly loved in return.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Northfield Publishing; Reprinted edition (June 1, 1995)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 204 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1881273156
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1881273158
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8.8 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.5 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #45,465 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #238 in Christian Marriage (Books)
- #397 in Marriage
- #416 in Love & Romance (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.6 880 ratings

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Gary Chapman

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Gary Chapman—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages® series and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary Travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations.

For more information, visit 5lovelanguages.com or connect with Gary on his social platforms:

Twitter @DrGaryChapman

Facebook /5lovelanguages

Instagram /5lovelanguages

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JLJ

Learn How To Love Your Mate

Reviewed in the United States on November 10, 2012

Verified Purchase

This book is an all-time best-selling classic in the field of relationship counseling. The interesting thing however, is that if couples would read this book early-on in their relationship... even before getting married (as my wife and I did)... there might not be so much need for relationship counselors in the first place. The tragic mistake that so many people make, as outlined in this book, is that they try to express love for their mate in a way that is exactly how they would want love expressed to them. The intent is good there, it is after all an attempt to "do unto others as you would have done unto you". The problem lies not with the intent, but with the execution. For example, if a man appreciates "words of affirmation" from his wife (having his wife say every day that she loves or admires him)... and he reciprocates by offering his wife similar "words of affirmations" ... that may not be the particular "Love Language" that his wife appreciates. She might, for example, more appreciate "Quality Time" (spending time talking with her), or "Acts of Service" (getting that chore list done for here) much more-so that just words. Or... vice-versa... it varies according to the emotional makeup of each individual. The main message here is that in a loving relationship, it is not enough to do unto others as you would have done unto you... one must go beyond that to do unto others as they would prefer that you do unto them... and that requires more understanding and work that just "being nice".
Although this example is not given in the book, I think the best example of this dynamic is a story a pastor once told me about a 75-year old man and woman who had been married for 50 years. Every morning the man lovingly cut off the END piece of a fresh loaf of bread and gave it to his wife, while he took an INTERIOR piece of the bread loaf for himself. After 50 years, the wife could no longer contain her secret resentment, and she yelled "Why do you always give me that crusty END piece, and take a nice soft inside piece for yourself!?" The old man paused a moment, and as tears welled up in his eyes, he said to his wife, "Dear, the end piece is my favorite part. I have been giving the end piece to you all these years because I thought surely it must also be your favorite part." How very sad. The man had been sacrificing needlessly, out of love, when if the couple had just had better communication, they could have EACH been enjoying their respective favorite parts of the bread loaf, with no need for such sacrifice. Even more sad... all those years of needless resentment festering within the wife, who thought her husband was being selfish, when he was actually being self-sacrificing.
The moral of this story: discover what your mate's "love languages" are, and love them how they want to be loved... not how you assume they want to be loved, just because that's how you want to be loved. And as a real though-provoking side-note: if you are not married yet... try to find a mate whose "love languages" are basically the SAME as yours... and then, you can just do what comes naturally, without having to worry about such things very much. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking a lasting and loving relationship with their spouse.

19 people found this helpful

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A K N

Valuable!

Reviewed in the United States on July 26, 2023

Verified Purchase

Clear and helpful information, especially for newlyweds.
I gave this one as a gift.
But have been aware of its value for many years now.
Recommend this book most highly!

Helpful

Robert I. Hedges

Unquestionably The Best Book I Have Read On Relationships

Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2005

Verified Purchase

Everyone who has had a significant relationship understands the fundamental reality that relationships are hard and require lots of work to be successful. Of all the books I have read on relationships, this one has the best, most applicable, most practical, and most comprehensible advice for couples (targeted particularly to married couples). In this book Gary Chapman explains his concept of the "five love languages" which are in a sense just the ways that different people give and receive love (and desire love to be demonstrated to them). He explains different viewpoints about love in relationships in a reasonable and graspable manner that anyone can understand, and of key import, he helps you determine your primary love language or love languages (some people like me have two). When combined with the love language of your partner, you can quickly see where things can potentially go asunder.

Although he doesn't specifically recommend it as a premarital compatibility tool, I think that is perhaps one of the best uses you could make of this book. Hopefully you can find someone with the same languages you share, but if you can't you can at least know what to expect in future interactions with your intended spouse.

This book is very simple and very easy to read (I read it easily in an afternoon), but it is also very powerful and helpful. Like most books of this sort, this is normally read by people in a struggling relationship, but I also recommend it for people in a healthy relationship (though perhaps less urgently) to try to improve what already seems great.

This book was recommended by a trusted friend of mine; it sounded so useful that I ordered it the same night she told me about it, and read it the day after it arrived. I am so grateful that she recommended it to me: this book really opened my eyes on relationships in general and was right on target in my own personal experience. I am a skeptic by nature, but I recommend this book highly and without reservation to anyone in any kind of a relationship.

5 people found this helpful

Helpful

HelloReese

Underlying message is still valuable - but it only works if you are in a healthy relationship already

Reviewed in the United States on April 10, 2016

Verified Purchase

This is a very good book for anyone who is in a relationship that is basically healthy and sound. Or for individuals looking to enter into a relationship, who are emotionally healthy. Basically the book explains that due to people's individual personality preferences, upbringings, etc., we all have a certain preference for a certain "language" of love - we most value the way our partner shows us they care for us in a certain way, such as physical affection, words of affirmation, or acts of service. It explains that learning which one your partner most values is very important in a relationship, so that you can focus on doing/saying those things to make your partner happy.

This book was released years ago, so it does feel a bit dated in that respect. There are far more self help books about relationships now than there were when this book was released, that address relationships in a more complex and comprehensive way. But this book is still valuable for its underlying message. But, this book is only for a certain amount of people, as I mentioned in the beginning of this review. It is for people who are already in a reasonably healthy relationships, who have the capacity to be generous and put their partner first, and compromise, for the good of the relationship. If you are in a relationship with a person who is emotionally stunted, selfish, narcissistic, doesn't show you often enough in any type of way that they care for you - this book won't help you at all. Even if you learn your partner's "love language" and adjust your behavior to do/say the things that most make your partner feel happy and loved, if they're not doing the same for you, you're going to be frustrated and unhappy, and this book won't help at all.

2 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Ms. S. H. Stahl

Easy to read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 17, 2023

Verified Purchase

I was recommended this book and found it interesting and has helped me personally

I would recommend this if you want to understand your partner and what it is that makes them behave in a particular way.

Jacque Small, Author of Divine Divorce

A valuable book for anyone in a relationship.

Reviewed in Canada on September 7, 2014

Verified Purchase

I have used the ideas in this book over and over again. Increasing my own awareness of my love languages are and running little experiments to find out what my partner's love languages are.

Making a point to notice that my partner is showing me love, even when it is not one of my key love languages. Knowing my partner loves me is almost as important as how he expresses his love.

One person found this helpful

Anjoey

Very helpful

Reviewed in Germany on May 15, 2013

Verified Purchase

This book was our wedding gift, but in german. I bought the english version. It turned to be our companion through life. I still read it whenever needed. Thank you Mr. Chapman.

2 people found this helpful

Shannon Wilson

Favorite Book!

Reviewed in Canada on September 14, 2016

Verified Purchase

All time favorite book. I often buy multiples to give out as gifts, wedding presents, or when I need a refresher. Great for Christians and non-Christians alike!

Honeypie

A fresh approach

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 17, 2007

Verified Purchase

This book is excellent in every respect. It is for indiviuals and/or couples, is very easy to read, not preachy, full of practical ideas and exercises (rather than endless theory)and most importantly full of HOPE for a more fulfilling life. It provides insights that can help those who just want to improve the good marriages they already have. But it can really help those struggling with a troubled marriage, whether as a result of infidelity, those wondering why they don't love their partner they way they used to or just the the ups and downs of marriage. Importantly, the author gives ideas that can be practiced whether or not your partner wants to participate in the improvment process. Strongly recommended.

44 people found this helpful

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