DEALING WITH PEOPLE YOU CAN'T STAND

How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Contents

Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

The 10 (+3) Most Unwanted List

In your repertoire of communication skills, there exist varying degrees ofknowledge and ignorance, with their consequent interpersonal strengths andweaknesses. As a result, you may have no trouble at all dealing with that overlyor unemotional person whom no one else can stand. You may have more difficultywith people who whine and are negative, or you may find dealing with aggressivepeople to be the most challenging. Passive people may frustrate you, or you mayhave a low tolerance for braggarts and blowhards. Likewise, you probablyfrustrate several people yourself because everybody is somebody's difficultperson at least some of the time.

You may agree or disagree with this or that person about who is the difficultperson and who is not. Nevertheless, there is a certain consensus in politesociety about who difficult people are and what it is they do that others finddifficult. We've identified 10 specific behavior patterns that sane peopleresort to when they feel threatened or thwarted, which represent their strugglewith or withdrawal from undesired circumstances, followed by three patterns ofbad behavior more likely to be problematic in families. Here are 10 (+ 3)difficult behaviors that represent normal people at their worst!

The Tank

It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear, and Jim could hear birds singingoutside his window. He was moving forward on the project, and the office washumming with activity and teamwork.

Suddenly, there was a familiar and inescapable sound!

It reminded Jim of the sound of tank treads rumbling down the hallway. It seemedas though the ground actually began to tremble, and Jim could almost hear thedistant ping of radar being activated. As Jim listened, Joe "The Tank" Bintnerrounded the corner and came into view. Raising his arm like a turret-mountedcannon, he pointed in Jim's direction. Somehow, Jim could sense the cross hairslocking on to a target ... himself! In desperation, he mentally waved a whiteflag, but the Tank continued moving in his direction. As he stared in shock atthe cannonlike finger now pointed at his face, Bintner unleashed a verbalblasting of accusation and scorn.

"... You're an idiot, a moron. You're completely incompetent and anembarrassment to the human race! You must be a genetic mistake. You've beenworking on this for two weeks, and you're already three weeks behind. I won'tlisten to any more of your excuses. Pay attention, because this is what you aregoing to do ..."

Out of the corner of his eye, Jim could see that everyone else in the office hadeither run for cover or was standing frozen, paralyzed with fear. Like the soundof distant thunder, Bintner barked out his orders. Then, as suddenly as itbegan, the determined assault ended. Bintner was moving off in a new direction,and Jim was left sitting amid the rubble of his best efforts and goodintentions.

The Tank is confrontational, pointed, and angry, the ultimate in pushy andaggressive behavior.

The Sniper

Sue had never worked harder to prepare a report. This was the big day, and ifshe could deliver it in a professional and polished manner, there was a goodchance she would be rewarded with a promotion. All eyes were on her as she beganher presentation. She knew all her numbers would fit into place, and she couldsense that victory was just around the corner.

Then, as she made her move to the bottom line, there was a stirring like therustling of leaves, and she saw a slight movement off to the side of the room.That's when she heard the shot:

"Hey," said an insistent, scoffing voice. "That idea of yours reminds me ofsomething I saw in a book. I think it was in Chapter 11!"

First a solitary, diabolical laugh filled the room, but then one uneasy chuckleafter another joined it. Sue's mind wandered, her concentration broken, thepoint she was about to make lost. "Huh?" she mumbled awkwardly, as she lookedaround for the source of the disruption. And there, grinning like a Cheshire catwas the Sniper, preparing to take another shot.

"Maybe it was Chapter 13? Ha ha. Don't mind me. Please go on. I'm justbeginning to understand how little you actually know about this subject."

Whether through rude comments, biting sarcasm, or a well-timed roll of theeyes, making you look foolish is the Sniper's specialty.

The Grenade

It had been a good day for getting work done. A pleasant breeze drifted lazilythrough the window as Ralph double-checked the numbers before him. That's whenBob walked into the room, his face a rigid mask, hands balled into fists. Ralphcould sense that something was wrong, but a second glance at Bob's close-lippedexpression prompted him to mind his own business. Bob passed Ralph's desk, andas he did, he brushed against a stack of papers perched precariously on thedesktop. The papers tumbled to the ground like so many autumn leaves drifting inthe breeze. Ralph didn't mean to say anything, but in spite of himself, a tinyvoice escaped his throat, "Careful, there, Bob!"

In a timeless moment, Bob whirled about, eyes widening, facial musclestwitching, hair standing on end, arms trembling, as his voice exploded:

"Why don't you watch where you put that %#@*& stuff, anyway #@!&?*!!@! How the*&!? was I supposed to know that was there!? svcvI don't know why I even botherto show up here! Nobody cares what I'm going through! That's the *&^!@ problemwith the world today! Nobody gives a &%* ..."

As the volume of Bob's voice escalated, the breeze seemed to became a violentwind with scraps of ideas whipping about in a flurry of epithets and emotionalshrapnel. It seemed like forever, but at long last Bob's anger began to subside.He stopped yelling, looked around at everyone staring at him, and stormed outthe door without another word, slamming the door behind him. A lone sheet ofpaper drifted lazily to the floor.

After a brief period of calm, the grenade explodes into unfocused rantingand raving about things that have nothing to do with the presentcircumstances.

The Know-It-All

"Hello. This is XYZ Tech Support. My name is Frank. How may I help you?" Frankanswered.

The customer began to explain. "My name is Thadeus Davis. I am the MIS directorat my company, and I have worked with hundreds of hard drives." Davis went on todescribe the problem, concluding, "There is clearly something wrong with yourproduct."

"Well, Mr. Davis, I am very familiar with this product. What you have describeddoes not sound to me like it's mechanical, but it does sound like a softwareconflict. Could you tell me which extensions you have loaded?"

"It is not a software conflict."

"Sir, that's what I am trying to determine. How do you know it isn't a softwareconflict?"

"Aren't you listening? It is not a software conflict. The problem is with yourproduct!"

Frank tried another question. "Did it generate a sense key condition? Do yourecall what it said?" Davis didn't remember, and he impatiently repeated thatthe product was at fault. Frank tried again. "Sir, have you tried the drive withanother computer?"

Davis retorted, "We know it is not a problem with the computer because we canput any other drive on the computer. Let me speak to your supervisor!"

Seldom in doubt, the Know-It-All has a low tolerance for correction andcontradiction. If something goes wrong, however, the Know-It-All will speak withthe same authority about who's to blame—you!

The Think-They-Know-It-All

Dena didn't plan on it happening this way. She had the most expertise on theinvestment committee, and she had poured her heart and soul into the research.She really believed she was finally going to show what she was capable of doing.She forgot to consider the possibility that Leo might interfere. Like a baddream come true, Leo was dominating the meeting. He was making claims about theperformance of various funds that were pure hokum. No one else seemed to realizewhat he was doing! He had completely taken the group's attention away with theconviction of his communication. And once Leo had the floor, there was nostopping him.

"Leo," she pleaded. "Those funds are ..., well, when you look at their trackrecord ..." She struggled with the information, not knowing how to stop thisbefore it was too late.

"You got a question about that, or anything else, just ask!" Leo proclaimedwithout missing a beat, then turned back to his spellbound audience. "I knowexactly what we need. Of course, for me, picking the right investments is apiece of cake! Yeah, no sweat! In fact, I kind of enjoy it! That's an ability Ihave, you know. Plus, I have followed these funds for years. Great track record!Trust me!"

Great track record? From what he was saying, it was obvious to Dena that he knewnothing about those funds. It was equally obvious to her that she had no ideahow to stop him. Her heart sank as she looked around the room and watchedhelplessly, as one by one, people were swayed by Leo's sureness and enthusiasm.How could they know that he didn't know what he was talking about, when Dena wasthe one who had done the research?

Think-They-Know-It-Alls can't fool all of the people all of the time, butthey can fool some of the people enough of the time, and enough of the peopleall of the time—all for the sake of getting some attention.

The Yes Person

Alice was just about the nicest person you could ever meet. So nice that shejust couldn't say no. So she didn't. Instead, she said yes to everyone andeverything, and she sincerely hoped that this would make everybody happy.

"Would you do me a favor?" asked Tom.

"Sure!" Alice would say.

"Drop this off for me, would you?" requested Mark.

"No problem!" was Alice's reply.

"Could you remind me to return this call?" begged Ellen.

"All right!" Alice answered cheerfully.

"Finish this up before you leave, okay?" said the boss.

"My pleasure!" was Alice's immediate response.

But more often than not, Alice didn't remind Ellen, didn't do Tom the favor,didn't drop off Mark's package, and didn't finish the work her boss requested.She could always offer excuses and explanations for failing to do what she'dsaid she'd do, and yet, to her surprise, that just wasn't good enough.

When promises aren't kept, people get upset, and upset people becomeconfrontational. Mark, Tom, Ellen, and the boss all confronted Alice, each inhis or her own way. They assessed her problem and offered solutions, to whichAlice always agreed because she wanted to avoid confrontation at any cost. Stillpleasant on the outside, she was soon seething with silent hostility on theinside, and she decided that she had no intention of ever doing what shepromised for these nasty people.

In an effort to please people and avoid confrontation, Yes People say yeswithout thinking things through. They react to the latest demands on their timeby forgetting prior commitments, and they overcommit until they have no time forthemselves. Then they become resentful.

The Maybe Person

Marv found himself up against a deadline that required a decision from Sue. Sueknew that the moment of decision was at hand, yet strangely, she was nowhere tobe found. After a prolonged search of every hall and stairwell, he caught upwith her at last. "I don't have time to talk, Marv. I'm really sorry." She triedto rush off, but Marv hustled to keep up with her and pressed his case.

"So, have you decided who we will be sending to the convention in Hawaii?" askedMarv urgently.

"Well ..., I'm still thinking about it," was Sue's tentative reply.

"Still thinking about it!?" Marv had to accelerate, as Sue was pulling awayrapidly.

"Sue, the convention is in just three weeks. I asked you to choose somebody sixmonths ago. This is the biggest event of the year, and we always send our bestsales rep."

"Well ..., I know, but ..., I guess I'll decide ..."

Marv, breathing rapidly, hustled to keep up. "You guess? When?"

Sue stopped walking. "I don't know. Soon." She looked down at the floor absentlyfor a moment, then spun around and headed back the way they'd come. Marv stoodthere, looking after her, astonished and breathing rapidly. There was no doubtin his mind that this decision would be put off until it was too late to act.

In a moment of decision, the Maybe Person procrastinates in the hope that abetter choice will present itself. Sadly, with most decisions, there comes apoint when it is too little, too late, and the decision makes itself.

The Nothing Person

If Nat had anything to say for himself, Sally would never know. His ability tosit and stare was unnerving, to say the least. The longer they were married, theless he would say. These days, it seemed to Sally that she did all the talking.There could be worse problems, of course. At least Nat wasn't a bully, and henever talked unkindly about people. But then again, he hardly ever talked. Maybea bit of gossip would be an improvement over the sound of silence. Sally thoughtshe'd give it try. "So, uh, Nat, what do you think about the president's work?"Nat didn't seem to hear her. He just shrugged and kept reading the paper. Sallytried again. "Nat? So, uh, do you like him?"

The movement of his eyes upward to meet hers was almost imperceptible. Lookinginto his eyes was like looking into a vacant room. It appeared that nobody washome. "I ... don't ... know." That's all he said, and then he lowered his eyesin that same nondescript manner, and he began reading again.

Sally couldn't stop herself from pursuing this, now that she had begun it. Afterall, they had been married for over 17 years. She felt as if the distancebetween them was miles instead of meters and that it was her responsibility tobuild a bridge between them. So she tried again. "Nat, uh, it seems like wenever talk. You never tell me you love me anymore. Do you still love me?"

Nat gave her that same look, then slowly turned his head until he was facing thewindow. He put the paper down and simply said, "Nothing is going on. I told you17 years ago I love you. If something changes, I will let you know." And thatwas that. He picked up his paper and went back to reading, and Sally's hopesdrifted off into the void.

No verbal feedback, no nonverbal feedback. Nothing. What else could youexpect from ... the Nothing Person.

The No Person

Jack had just completed the third quarter of his seminar presentation when awoman in the back raised her hand. "Yes ma'am? You in the back. Do you have aquestion?"

She gazed at him through narrowed eyes. "That won't work," she said finally.

"Have you ever tried it?" He asked, unsure what they were talking about.

"What would be the point of trying it if it doesn't work?" Whatever it was, itseemed obvious to her.

"How do you know it doesn't work?" he tried again.

"It's obvious."

"Obvious to whom?" Jack asked. Desperation seized him and wouldn't let go.

"To any intelligent person capable of thinking it through." Her determinationwas remarkable.

"Well, it's not obvious to me!" said Jack, believing he had gained the upperhand.

"Well now, what does that say about you?" She replied triumphantly.

More deadly to morale than a speeding bullet, more powerful than hope, ableto defeat big ideas with a single syllable. Disguised as a mild mannered normalperson, the No Person fights a never ending battle for futility, hopelessness,and despair.

The Whiner

Just as Joann was regaining her concentration, Cynthia began whining again. Thiswas the 112th time she had been interrupted by Cynthia, and it wasn't even noon.

To make matters worse, Cynthia's voice dragged on and on, and it had theresonance of a chain saw. "Did I tell you that I just brought my new charcoalgrill home after saving up for it for the last year and a half? It was veryheavy, and I had a great deal of trouble getting it out of the car. My husbandoffered to help me, but he has a bad back, and I didn't think that it was a goodidea, so I wouldn't let him. But the box was an awkward size. Not only that, butit's very difficult to move a box when it doesn't fit your arms. But I tried.Finally, after I'd bruised myself in several places, I got out a wheelbarrow..."

"Cynthia," Joann implored. "If you didn't have any other way to get it out ofyour car, why didn't you wait until a time when you had help before picking itup at the store?"

"But I couldn't ask anyone else to help with it. And anyway, two people couldn'thave done it more easily than one. And I cut my finger on a staple on the boxwhen I opened it! If people had been helping me, they would have cut themselvesand blamed me. And besides, I didn't know how long the sale would last, and Ireally wanted it. And my husband would have been very disappointed if I hadwaited because he was anxious to try it—as anxious as I was. And anyway,it didn't work right, and I had to take it back, but it was too heavy to get itback in the box, and I ..."

(Continues...)
(Continues...)Excerpted from DEALING WITH PEOPLE YOU CAN'T STAND by Rick Brinkman. Copyright © 2012 by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
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