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Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence Paperback – October 30, 2007

by Esther Perel (Author)

539 customer reviews

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A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

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Editorial Reviews

Review

“Her advice is refreshingly counterintuitive.” (Salon.com)

“Mating in Captivity...articulates a poignant and unacknowledged modern crisis for the first time.” (The Evening Standard (London))

“An elegant sociological study, complete with erudite literary and anthropological references.” (Daily Telegraph (London))

“A charming blend of wit and wisdom...this book will give you a fresh perspective on long-term love.” (Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia))

“Well argued points written with considerable eloquence.” (Jerusalem Post)

“This is a brave book...refreshing.” (The Times Higher Education Supplement)

“So honest it hurts.” (Irish Times)

“An excellent book, full of provocative prose and entertaining case illustrations.” (Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy)

From the Back Cover

One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product details

Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: Harper Paperbacks; Reprint edition (October 10, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0060753641
ISBN-13: 978-0060753641
Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 7.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review: 539 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,665 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Sexuality
- #5 in Books > Self-Help > Sex
- #6 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Counseling

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Customer reviews

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Dan E. Nicholas

bought three; handed them out like Bible tracts

June 16, 2014

Verified Purchase

Got to this book late and am I glad for it. When it came out I was newly remarried and didn't need and wouldn't have heard the message. But seven years into a mid-life marriage I needed tips on answering Ester Perel's Big Question (from her excellent TED Talk): Can you want what you already have? Her answer seemed to be as I read: Sure you can. But it's work. And you better understand what's going on first.

Add to this that my whole arousal system of mind, body, soul and sex is older, as I'm in my mid 60s. Love what she said when asked how many times she'd been married: "Four. To the same man." This woman and mom and wife and therapist and speaker of 6 languages not only reinvented herself to stay hot for her man but to stay interesting for her two teen children living with mom/dad as a foursome. Yes, sex as a family value. From Belgium and Israel, her husband and two kids live or lived together when she wrote this from their flat in NYC. It's one thing to write how to stay hot for each other while married; it's another to pull it off and then even be able to communicate the complex system that makes it possible.

I gave one to a peer guy friend and one to my son. It's that good and helpful. They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Don't read this book too soon. Or too late either. But buy three copies and get ready. I say.

81 people found this helpful82 people found this helpful

ordinary shopper

On loving and sexuality

July 28, 2017

Verified Purchase

A friend asked me why he found sex with his wife "routine". He said he loved his wife and having sex with her still felt good, but he didn't feel "turned on". Instead, he found himself fantasizing about sex with other women. This book answers that question completely and helps one explore the contradictions and congruity of love and sexuality.

16 people found this helpful17 people found this helpful

Read it. If you can't read it read the last chapter or two

July 23, 2017

Verified Purchase

Read it. If you can't read it, read the last chapter or two. However, I believe everyone who cares about their relationship or their own health will find themselves in a few of the many examples. The overall message of the duality or tension of the long term relationship and the distance needed for eroticism seems so obvious after having read this. There are many brilliant observations in this book, but I would also recommend the many lectures that the author has given which appear on YouTube, including her TED talks. I listened to a few before reading the book and a few after reading the book. It's funny how they made so much more sense after reading the book.

18 people found this helpful19 people found this helpful

Fascinating and enlightening.

October 14, 2017

Verified Purchase

Fascinating and enlightening. This is one of those books that make you better, educated, happier, confident and much more if you read this with a very open mind. Perel offers great insight into human desire -- for love, sex, connection, space -- and how we tend to thwart the very intimacy we crave by applying judgement to our desires. I haven't read a better reason to be hopeful that long term relationships can maintain, even increase, passion and desire than this.

10 people found this helpful11 people found this helpful

It has excellent advice about how to think about your intimate partnerships ...

October 5, 2017

Verified Purchase

If a book could save your marriage, this would be it! It has excellent advice about how to think about your intimate partnerships that will actually lead to real changes in the relationships. My sisters and I have all read this book as part of our family book club and can report much better marriages because of Esther Perel's advice. Nothing is a quick fix, but one step in a new direction can take you to new places. I recommend this book to everyone who wants a better intimate relationship--especially if you are willing to do the hard work of looking at your own actions and making small changes to be a better partner.

9 people found this helpful10 people found this helpful

William M. Marcellino

I think there is tremendous value in Perelman's insight that ...

August 26, 2017

Verified Purchase

I think there is tremendous value in Perelman's insight that intimacy--marked by safety, closeness, and familiarity--and desire--marked by space, mystery, and risk-taking--are two distinct things. They not necessarily be opposed for many of us (thank God), but they are not the same, and need to be cultivated differently if we want to have a long term relationship marked by both loving security and erotic passion.

15 people found this helpful16 people found this helpful

Great perspective on relationships and erotic thought

January 12, 2018

Verified Purchase

I learned about myself and my wife by reading this. This book can be used by lovers of any configuration or orientation to discover that their "selfish" desires are to be cherished and shared, not locked up.

7 people found this helpful8 people found this helpful

August 17, 2017

Verified Purchase

I started listening to Esther's podcast which I loved and wanted to read her book as well. Her alternative views and unusual relationship advice is really mind-altering. Super interesting things to keep in mind if you're in a relationship. I thoroughly enjoyed this - to be frank it was kind of life-changing for me. Great read.

5 people found this helpful6 people found this helpful

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