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To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife Hardcover – April 17, 2006

by Caitlin Flanagan (Author)

62 customer reviews

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Poses controversial observations about the rituals and rites of passage that shape women's lives in the twenty-first century, from lavish weddings and modern sex to housekeeping and work-life imbalances.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Flanagan's take on why modern mothers are conflicted about their roles is so witty and well researched—she quotes sources ranging from Queen Elizabeth's childhood nanny to Total Woman Marabel Morgan—that it's easy to overlook that she offers no evidence to back up her chief notion "that women have a deeply felt emotional connection to housekeeping." Coming from someone who admits she doesn't change her sheets or clean her house (the maid does it), it's hard to take this assertion seriously. But then, while Flanagan is a staff writer for the New Yorker and a regular essayist for the Atlantic, she's more a polemicist here than journalist. The problem is her self-contradictions. Flanagan is fed up with what she sees as self-indulgent upper-middle-class mommies (like herself and unlike her mother's generation) who have elevated motherhood at the expense of housekeeping, which she sees as a lost art. Yet she goes into great and fascinating detail about her relationship with the nanny she hired after giving birth to twins. Flanagan is particularly disdainful of feminists who "imposed" a narrative of oppression on women. The author claims she's not a cook, but in her debut book she proves herself to be one heck of a pot-stirrer. (Apr. 17)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

A true wit providing tons of gentle "aha!" moments, New Yorker writer Flanagan has outdone herself and is sure to evoke smiles and tears from her readers. This series of stories is as old as our humanity: the push-pull between the privileges of womanhood versus the power of masculinity. The remedy is the logical sequence of life events, beginning with the wedding--"A place setting of Lennox is, after all, a liquid asset"--and punctuated by Flanagan's cogent observations. Every rumination is, in fact, a microcosm of today's headlines and self-help books. Is sleep, as Dr. Phil asserts, the new sex? Are nannies all that necessary to the raising of a professional woman's children? And at what time, during what event, does a woman truly recognize the reality of all her various roles, whether mother, wife, or aunt? An insightful, incisive look at the multiple demands on American women in the new millennium. Barbara Jacobs
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Hardcover: 272 pages
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company; First Edition edition (April 17, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0316736872
ISBN-13: 978-0316736879
Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 1.1 x 8.5 inches
Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review: 62 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,267,433 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2649 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Motherhood
- #11400 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Social Sciences > Gender Studies
- #12880 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Women's Studies

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Ellery Adams

A great book for a book group

April 19, 2007

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There were many aspects of this book that frustrated and annoyed me, so why did I give it three stars? First, because I think Ms. Flanagan can write using sharp and precise prose. I really enjoyed the poignancy of her first chapter, in which she goes through the minutia of her mother's life. The chapter on over-scheduling our children also struck a chord with me. Overall, I felt that Flanagan was a bit confused over her identity as a mother and a homemaker even as she wrote this book, but her inner conflicts can translate into terrifically heated and passionate discussion opportunities for a woman's book club. If your club is relatively new, pick this book and see how much you can learn about your friends.

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C. L. Ferle

Couldn't put it down

May 31, 2006

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After reading all the hype and flak, I wasn't sure I was ready to read TO HELL WITH ALL THAT. But I was hooked after finishing the preface. And while I partly agree with some of the reviewers who are disturbed that Flanagan waxes poetic on housekeeping yet employs household help and a nanny, I think they've missed the point. Flanagan's subtitle says it all: we love AND loathe our inner housewife in the cultural sense.

In other words, Flanigan speaks to the fact that so many of us give lip service to "family values," yet we remain oddly and stubbornly conflicted about who will take care of the homefront. We want the ironed linens on the bed and the fresh-cut flowers in a vase on the table -- but we want a mom or a maid to do these homey things for us. Flaganan's essays explore WHY we are so divided and often confused about these issues.

Flanagan's style is elegant, and she's included a lot of fascinating research and some interesting historical references to housewifery -- without boring us to tears. Speaking for myself, a work-at-home columnist, I think Flanigan has done a fabulous job articulating my own longing for "home" as well as this country's weird conflict surrounding all things domestic. -- Cindy La Ferle, author of WRITING HOME. [...]

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Kindle Customer

Unimpressive but amusing

May 4, 2011

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If you've read the other reviews you know that Mrs. Flanagan wants to lecture about housework and motherhood when she herself had/has a maid and a nanny. That would be ironic but not necessarily problematic if she had provided a comprehensively researched perspective. Instead she presents a series of essays informed by her own experiences as employer of said maid and nanny, mother of twins and devoted daughter of a traditional housewife, and by a set of readings that range from Erma Bombeck to Betty Freidan to Martha Stewart. What she does not present is any scientific research, an unfortunate omission in a field that has plenty of hard facts available from decades of social science. The book is therefore amusing and provocative, but it is purely anecdotal and at times inaccurate. For example she claims (in amusing rant form) that women aren't sexually attracted to men who do housework, when research shows that husbands who do more housework get more sex. That could have been the topic of a wonderfully funny essay, but unfortunately Mrs. Flanagan didn't look it up.

A better book, if more serious, is "for better: the science of a good marriage" by Tara Parker-Pope.

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C. Court

May there will be more writers like her

June 16, 2006

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God Bless Caitlin Flanagan and may there will be more writers like her. I think, either unabashedly or secretly most women are like her, think like her and feel like her about motherhood, marriage and the home. Even if they hate this book, feminists cannot deny that it is beautifully and powerfully written.

If I ever become a writer, I want to write the way Flanagan writes. She is magnificent. The subject matter of her work is supposedly the subtitle of the book, loving and loathing our inner housewife. On the earlier chapters of the book I, a working woman, found myself nodding in agreement with her thesis. Her observations on modern life are well researched and eloquently argued. I have not read for a very long time a non-fiction book so captivating.

I made the mistake of reading the reviews before I finished the book. Critics were vociferous either in agreement or disagreement. The feminists were outraged. I have never read so many vile and personal attacks on the web, but that's what radicals do, when they attack, they make it personal. I always thought I was a feminist but I got so tired of the combative posture, the whining and complaining and most of all the bitterness. I am not that kind of person and soon I abandoned the idea of being identified as one. Like Flanagan I see no oppression in taking care of my children, preparing home cooked meals served in elegant table settings, of keeping the house clean and orderly and of being a loving and loyal wife to my husband. I see no oppression in keeping a happy family home where the parents love one another and the children's well being are of utmost importance. That is not to say that I would rather clean house than oil paint or do other leisure activities. I did not get married so we can argue with the equality in chores. But I have now read the feminists' reviews and I weighed both sides.

As I read every chapter, I felt surges of energy and was propelled to do what Flanagan was discussing. The chapter "Executive Decision" for example moved me to reorganize the pantry and the master bedroom closet and de-clutter the house! At both times, I found the process drudging and knew exactly what she meant by "Loathing our Inner Housewife". In the end I was rewarded by the greatest satisfaction of a home de-cluttered realizing it is not a one time act. It gave me so much peace and my family was happy.

On the later part of the book, I finally realized why I love this book so much. Gone were my politics. I have completely immersed myself and realized what a great tribute it is to her mother, to motherhood, to loving, raising and keeping a family. Flanagan was a child raised by a mother whom she loved so dearly. When it was her turn, Flanagan did it her way. Not everyone could be like her because not everyone has the means, but I don't see any point in arguing with her when she says:

"In the end, what did my boys gain from those thousand days they spent with me before school took them out into the larger world? Nothing it seems to me, of any quantifiable value. No head start in life that will ensure them of some prize that will forever elude the children of working mothers. All they gained, really, was the sweetness of being with the person who loved them most in the world. All they gained was an immersion in the most powerful force on earth: mother love. And perhaps there is something of worth in that alone."

Who could argue with that thesis? Lastly Flanagan, who was afflicted with breast cancer wrote:

"Here's what I know: When I woke up from the final surgery, I did not want to see the articles I've written or the editors I've worked for. I wanted to see my sons and husband. And I wanted to go home."

Feminists and working women cannot deny this truth. When it matters most we want to go home, not to work! This is the book I want my ten year old daughter to read someday soon.

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