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Should you spy on your teens?

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Showing 1-16 of 16 posts in this discussion
Initial post: May 12, 2012, 10:22:19 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 14, 2012, 8:52:28 AM PDT
Is it ethical to snoop into your kids private life?

What if you think he is doing drugs and lying about it?

What if you spy on your kid because you think he's doing drugs, and then find out he's gay/planning to kill himself/insert other shocking item?

Personally, I'm of the opinion that as long as I'm responsible for my child's actions, I have a right to do whatever the heck I want regarding my kid's right to privacy.

All you anti-spanking folks are certainly invited to partake.

'Specially you RJ ;)

In reply to an earlier post on May 14, 2012, 11:11:16 PM PDT
Are you kidding? Of course parents should spy on their teens! My parents were sued in civil court for being "bad parents" when my brother (age 13), stole someone's car in order to run away from their tyrannical parenting (they were displeased with his drug addiction...yes I am understating this) yet at the time in Washington State in the 1980s, law enforcement would not bring him home when he had run away, because they idea was that if a child ran away, it must be because he came from abuse. Sitting in our living room and interviewing my parents and then my other brother and me, it was clear to the police officers that my brother did not come from an abusive family, but they couldn't look for him or bring him home or lock him up, because back then a juvenile had to collect the right amount of points in the correct categories in order to be locked up, and running away was not a category and had no point value. (Did that make any sense? NO!) Anyway, the state was no help and my parents ended up having to pay the cost of the car, which was totaled. (My brother: "It was cool! We caught some air!" while in the process knocking out the oil pan. Did I mention he was 13? He was running away to Florida and didn't make it down the hill out of our neighborhood in Seattle.) Were they bad parents? No. He got hooked on drugs in sixth grade, offered to him by much older kids on his way to school. I was at the high school by then, in ninth grade. Sometimes I wonder if we had been closer in age, if walking to school together would have prevented him getting hooked on drugs.

Posted on May 16, 2012, 10:59:37 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 16, 2012, 10:02:38 PM PDT
Great story. Thanks for sharing. Inhibiting drug use is one of the main reasons we should spy on our kids.

How to Spy on Your Kids (Black Hat Parenting)

Posted on May 17, 2012, 8:22:27 PM PDT
I have searched through clothes, book bags, drawers,cars, closets, and just about any other place a young man might hide something. I have researched friends, enemies,teachers, and teammates. I have listened to private conversations and phone calls, read letters and text messages. There are very few stones I have left unturned in my sons eleven years of dealing with drug addiction. For several years in the beginning I chose not to recognize the signs of addiction. I say chose because, in my case I knew long before I admitted there was a problem. I had a principle ask me one time why parents would not admit there was a problem with their children. My answer to this very concerned man was, If you don't admit it there is no problem, because when you say my child has a prolem then you have to do something. Life as you know it will never be the same. But it can be better. When you choose to deal with the problem and get help, you will realize you are not alone and there is a lot of help out there and there are people who are willing to help you carry this horrible burden. I have recently written a book "Please Stop Licking the Window" about my family and our son. It has helped many people navigate the path that our family was on before them, a path of drug addiction. This has been a long road for us as it has been for many others but there have been amazing gifts along the way. Please care enough about your child to check up on them, and if things don't checkout choose to do something about it.

Posted on May 19, 2012, 11:26:43 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 19, 2012, 11:28:24 PM PDT
Reneinnc says:
You need to be deligent in knowing whats going on with your teens. Keep the line of comminication going. I wish I had done better when my daughter ran away from home as a teen. It was devestating. 15 years later she is still angry with me that I did not do it right. If you get it wrong with your kids you spend all your time trying to get it right the rest of your life.

In reply to an earlier post on May 20, 2012, 12:09:27 AM PDT
Swedey says:
Why in the world would a parent BUY a book on how to spy on their kids? This information is readily available on the interent for free. Or one could ask an older parent. People are so clueless.

Posted on May 21, 2012, 5:55:50 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on May 21, 2012, 7:15:21 PM PDT
1: An older parent probably doesn't know the answers that I give in the book. Most folks under 35 are not as internet savvy as the current youth. Their children are smarter than their parents when it comes to technology. If you don't believe me, go ask any 40 year old how to get their kid's facebook password without asking them for it. I'm sure they will be clueless.

2: There are a lot of things available for free online. However, time = money and some folks might prefer to spend $5 and then an hour reading rather than spending no cash and untold hours trying to find the right solutions.

Or... using your reasoning... we can all clean our own homes, hunt for food, and plant crops. Why should we spend money on maids and grocery stores. Why should we spend money on a bottle of water when the earth is covered in it?

Why? Because it's not worth our time to go hunting for food when someone else has done the hunting for us and provided the spoils for a reasonable price.

And yet another reason, perhaps said person owns a kindle but not a computer and internet connectivity.

Seriously fella, think a little before you post next time. Your attempt to sound world wise really flopped. The world involves more people than just yourself. If you don't need the knowledge, or if you can afford the time to research the solutions yourself, then do so. There's naught wrong with anyone that elects to save themselves a lot of time by spending what amounts to an Extra Value Meal on some knowledge.

Anyone can learn to do anything given enough time and resources. I simply save some time for those who can't or wouldn't otherwise.

In reply to an earlier post on May 21, 2012, 6:14:00 PM PDT
Thanks for sharing Rene. I hate to hear that you had to go through that. Sadly, hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, many of us know where we made mistakes. If only we could go back and correct them... man, I'd make a million!

I just wish our kids realized how hard it is to be a decent parent. Maybe then they wouldn't give us so much grief eh?
Unfortunately they never realize it until the shoes are on there own feet. Ah well, such is life.

Thanks again for sharing.

Posted on May 25, 2012, 12:15:09 PM PDT
milkypie says:
Yep. And your husband, too.

Posted on May 26, 2012, 3:30:41 PM PDT
Heh, yep, I'll be the first to admit that we husbands can be sneaksy sometimes :D

Posted on Jun 9, 2012, 10:12:04 PM PDT
Note to Suzanna. Walking him to school would have done nothing about his drug addiction. He was determined and the older kid had nothing to do with addiction either. I know I was addicted to drugs by the time I was 12, I quit doing heroin when I was 17. My life has been ok, I was a real estate broker for 20 years in the middle of my life, so I did come out of it and lived. When I had a child I was definitely right on her case at all times. She is now 17. working. going to high school online and does not smoke cigarettes. I think she might be smoking some pot on the weekends, which I do not approve of, but she is working cleaning hotel rooms and has her own money. She took her ACT's and scored 17th in the state and 2nd in our county. So she is doing something right.
As for me I damaged my health with all the heavy drugs and alcohol, so I am on oxygen, have lots of other health issues, but NOTHING would have stopped me when I was 13 from doing heavy duty drugs.
Do not feel guilty for one more moment and just try to be there when he quits now, either from jails, institutions or death or cold turkey.
Take care Suzanne. And thanks to the others for posting. And I prefer a book for my info from a person who I can read about and decide if I will listen to his expertise or not. You can't do that by strolling through a million pages of the internet.

In reply to an earlier post on Jun 11, 2012, 11:25:14 PM PDT
Thanks Bettybakebake.

He is doing ok now - he has a wife and two sons, aged 12 and 9. He has struggled with some meth addiction as an adult, most recently when his oldest was 6 and he was trying to run a construction business and took on too much and thought the meth would help him manage his time.

His wife has been the picture of patience. It was hard on his boys six years ago when he was imprisoned, but they are recovering from that as a family.

No, I don't feel guilty; I just wonder if the opportunity hadn't been there for him to hang out with much older friends if the drugs would have happened.

My parents gave us quite a bit of freedom to make our own choices back then - again, it was the 1980s, and mostly we just had to be home by dinner but the afternoons were ours to play outside. For me, that meant riding my bike all over town and exploring, but for my brothers, that became smoking discarded cigarette butts off the playground by the time they were ten and then onto heavier drugs. One of my brothers has an addictive physiology (the one I described already), but the other one doesn't.

In reply to an earlier post on Jun 12, 2012, 11:35:13 AM PDT
Amen! We (the 4 of us) never knew when my Mom would show up somewhere! I am thankful now that she did do that. My brother was not so lucky. He would sneak around and do all sorts of things finally getting caught (drugs, jail etc...). I hated it as a kid, but now over 40, I would not have it any other way. God rest her soul; I am glad she was a snoop with me...kept me honest as a teen! There were many things outside of our home that would have hurt or killed me AND many more things that I was not mature enough to make GOOD decisions about. Parents need to spy to the third power if possible.

Posted on Jun 16, 2012, 2:02:09 PM PDT
Reader says:
Yep, yep, yep I snoop through my kids things! When he is in his room or not, I will snoop. I want to know that when I ask him if he is doing drugs, drinking, having sex, if he has weapons, if he is being honest with me. I have found some things like playboy and I felt violated but, he is exploring a magazing and hopefully not a female! We have a great mother and son relationship and yes he keeps things from me like all kids do but I trust him but I still check up and snoop as any parent should!

Posted on Jun 22, 2012, 7:39:25 PM PDT
When kids start paying their own rent, then they can have privacy. That's what my ex and I always told our kids. They have no privacy. We respected their right to have private time alone, but if we felt the need to go through their room, we did. My kids made mistakes, but they never got into anything scary, thankfully. They knew we were likely to show up wherever they claimed to be, we searched their rooms once in a while. They knew we were in charge. It is the parents' responsibility to raise their children to be good citizens, not rude thugs. That means adults have to be in charge. That's part of the problem today. "Experts" are telling us we need to build their egos and respect their privacy. That's how Columbine happened. What parent does NOT know their child has a stock of guns in the house?!

Posted on Jun 23, 2012, 9:16:01 AM PDT
[Deleted by Amazon on Jun 23, 2012, 12:02:40 PM PDT]
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Discussion in:  Parenting forum
Participants:  11
Total posts:  16
Initial post:  May 12, 2012
Latest post:  Jun 23, 2012

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