SAN DIEGO-Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland hamburger ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego McDonalds, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national hamburger sales have since skyrocketed.
"After seeing yet another deranged hamburger just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me," said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a quarter pound hamburger from his local McDonald's. "It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I'm ever in that situation, I won't have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I'll be able to use my burger to defend myself."
"Law enforcement and fat people can only get there so quickly," Keller added. "And you never know when you'll need to use a hamburger to save your life."
Reports confirmed that hamburger sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major hamburger attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-day-old hamburger who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.
The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over hamburger control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed.
"We've had to deal with too many hamburger -related tragedies, and we've had to bury too many innocent, special sauce-covered victims," said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against hamburger coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School hamburger rampage of 1997. "It's time to put an end to this. We need to get hamburgers off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough."
"The answer to this systemic problem is not more hamburgers," Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. "The answer is fewer hamburgers."
As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a hamburger have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep hamburgers in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground.
Furthermore, many hamburger control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of hamburger one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of Double Quarter Pounders, referencing as an example the tight hamburger laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of hamburger crimes is virtually nonexistent.
"There is absolutely no reason-not for hunting, protection, or otherwise-that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a half pound hamburger," said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken hamburger control advocates in Congress. "The general public frankly has no business owning meat of this size, and the only people who do are sandwich engineers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence."
Opponents to hamburger control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their hamburger possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national hamburger lobby told reporters that a ban on hamburger s would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large sandwiches could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the back of dumpsters.
Many hamburger owners also told sources that the food is primarily used for legal hunger purposes and that the overwhelming majority of hamburger enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes.
"Listen, it's my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a hamburger to protect myself and my family," said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different hamburgers of various sizes, but keeps them "safely locked away in [his] home." "And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my hamburgers."
"What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn't mean all hamburgers are bad," Harrington added. "In fact, if every person at that mall had a hamburger, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place."
At press time, following the increase in national hamburger sales, four isolated hamburger attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37