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OT: Hamburger Sales Skyrocket After Latest Hamburger Attack

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Showing 1-25 of 40 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Jan 10, 2013, 2:43:07 PM PST
SAN DIEGO-Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland hamburger ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego McDonalds, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national hamburger sales have since skyrocketed.

"After seeing yet another deranged hamburger just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me," said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a quarter pound hamburger from his local McDonald's. "It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I'm ever in that situation, I won't have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I'll be able to use my burger to defend myself."

"Law enforcement and fat people can only get there so quickly," Keller added. "And you never know when you'll need to use a hamburger to save your life."

Reports confirmed that hamburger sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major hamburger attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-day-old hamburger who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.

The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over hamburger control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed.

"We've had to deal with too many hamburger -related tragedies, and we've had to bury too many innocent, special sauce-covered victims," said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against hamburger coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School hamburger rampage of 1997. "It's time to put an end to this. We need to get hamburgers off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough."

"The answer to this systemic problem is not more hamburgers," Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. "The answer is fewer hamburgers."

As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a hamburger have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep hamburgers in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground.

Furthermore, many hamburger control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of hamburger one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of Double Quarter Pounders, referencing as an example the tight hamburger laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of hamburger crimes is virtually nonexistent.

"There is absolutely no reason-not for hunting, protection, or otherwise-that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a half pound hamburger," said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken hamburger control advocates in Congress. "The general public frankly has no business owning meat of this size, and the only people who do are sandwich engineers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence."

Opponents to hamburger control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their hamburger possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national hamburger lobby told reporters that a ban on hamburger s would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large sandwiches could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the back of dumpsters.

Many hamburger owners also told sources that the food is primarily used for legal hunger purposes and that the overwhelming majority of hamburger enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes.

"Listen, it's my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a hamburger to protect myself and my family," said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different hamburgers of various sizes, but keeps them "safely locked away in [his] home." "And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my hamburgers."

"What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn't mean all hamburgers are bad," Harrington added. "In fact, if every person at that mall had a hamburger, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place."

At press time, following the increase in national hamburger sales, four isolated hamburger attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 2:54:34 PM PST
If hamburgers are outlawed then only outlaws will have hamburgers!

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 3:06:42 PM PST
jSten says:
The Hamburglar is pleased.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 3:17:19 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 10, 2013, 3:17:45 PM PST
That sounds made up!!! Did you make that up FrumpleOrZo???

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 3:26:26 PM PST
If we aren't allowed to have hamburgers than how will we fight if Mayor McCheese decides to become a tyrant?!

Give me cheeseburgers or give me death!

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 3:30:04 PM PST
shopper1 says:
You will take my hamburger when you pry it from my cold, dead, hands.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 3:32:37 PM PST
You brought a hamburger to a gorilla fight.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 3:37:18 PM PST
Voice of god says:
If you think hamburgers will do anything against the government's Bacon Explosions and Bird-in-a-bird-in-a-bird-in a-bird-in-a-pigs, you're kidding yourself.

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 3:43:39 PM PST
Cinema Fan says:
Mayor McCheese is on the case!

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 3:45:26 PM PST
Frank says:
What Communist hugging American eats a hamburger? You gotta have cheese on it! Bacon for extra patriotism!

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 3:56:07 PM PST
jSten says:
A former professional wrestler named McCheese is elected as the new Mayor of the city, promising to handle the city's criminal problem in his campaign. The Hamburglar gang, the dominant criminal organization of the city, plots to bring Mayor McCheese under their control by kidnapping his daughter Birdie the Early Bird and using her as leverage against him. Enlisting the help of Grimace, Birdie the Early Bird's boyfriend and an experienced brawler himself, as well as Grimace's sparring partner, a ninja named Officer Big Mac, Mayor McCheese opts to fight the gang instead in order to save his daughter.

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 3:58:05 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 10, 2013, 4:12:11 PM PST
Better to die with a cheeseburger in hand than to bow down and live in ensaladment.

Besides, a multitude of hamburgers can really hit the spot even when compared to a bacon-heavy diet. The fattier burgers are very destructive to the figure and so most would avoid eating them. Hell, I don't even eat cheeseburgers, but if I were planning running an anti-McCheese cell, I would use cheeseburgers to strike the Mayor's supporters in the streets at night, in their homes...I'd paint their walls with ketchup.

Gruesome work, to be sure, but cheeseburgers would have a place in the resistance.

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 4:05:34 PM PST
A customer says:
I will die for a cheeseburger, seriously.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 4:20:27 PM PST
Now that's something I can sink my teeth into.

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 4:21:50 PM PST
user22 says:
I was attacked by a hamburger once, but then my homies showed up and we quarter-pounded that fool!

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 4:23:00 PM PST

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 4:30:50 PM PST
Gomb says:
Ok, can we stop making jokes about mass murders that occurred less than a month ago please? It's really not funny, and if you are a firearms enthusiast it's especially unfunny because you can't even find a pea shooter for sale anymore due to everything being out of stock from this mass hysteria.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 4:37:46 PM PST
No one's making fun of the mass murder. People are making fun of the hysteria the public is going through with this stuff right now. The mass murders are a tragedy, no doubt about it. I was actually pretty depressed when I heard about the elementary school one. However, the public response from all sides is nuts and can be justifiably mocked.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 4:48:01 PM PST
Voice of god says:
Shut up Hans.

Posted on Jan 10, 2013, 4:48:02 PM PST
"if you are a firearms enthusiast it's especially unfunny because you can't even find a pea shooter for sale anymore"

I'm sorry for your loss :(

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 4:51:42 PM PST
DVvM says:
I'm a firearms enthusiast, in that I participate in shooting sports... but honestly? I haven't had cause to go out and buy a new gun in years. I'm happy with the ones that I have. I really have no need to develop some sort of arsenal.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 4:53:35 PM PST
" I'm happy with the ones that I have." "I really have no need to develop some sort of arsenal. "

Apparently because you already have one, Sergeant Slaughter.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 5:13:46 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 10, 2013, 5:13:53 PM PST
I support gun rights and I know lots of gun owners like you (many on these very forums) who are responsible and sane gun owners. It's a shame that there are so many extremists and knee-jerk reactionaries that get so much face time with the media.

I can say that I'm anti-NRA in the same way that I'm anti-PETA. Just because I don't want to ban firearms and beat animals doesn't mean I have to throw my lot in with special interest group scum.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 5:21:21 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 10, 2013, 5:22:19 PM PST
That's a pathetic statement sir....You should "throw your lot" in some direction and be a responsible human being!!!...Without those "special interests" as you casually refer to them---absolutely nothing would ever be accomplished by anyone in this country!!!..."anti-PETA" is a lousy negative thing to say about people that work Sooo hard and dedicate their lives on behalf of helpless creatures!!!

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 10, 2013, 5:27:53 PM PST
You don't know much about what PETA actually stands for, do you, Bitters? I think you should do some research on it, I bet you'll be really surprised. I know I was.
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Discussion in:  Video Games forum
Participants:  19
Total posts:  40
Initial post:  Jan 10, 2013
Latest post:  Jan 11, 2013

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