How Not to Kill Your Baby: Weinstein, Jacob Sager: 9781449409913: Amazon.com: Books

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Jacob Sager Weinstein

How Not to Kill Your Baby Paperback – March 20, 2012

by Jacob Sager Weinstein (Author)

65 ratings

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From writing a birth announcement that won't attract the attention of kidnappers, to doing criminal background checks on the other parents before having a playdate, How Not to Kill Your Baby is the perfect comedic antidote to parental paranoia."This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)
"Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)
"The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller
"If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)
Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?
If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:
* "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets."
* "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."
* "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"
* "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age."
How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting.
How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

Print length

136 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Andrews McMeel Publishing
Publication date

March 20, 2012
Dimensions

6.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
ISBN-10

1449409911
ISBN-13

978-1449409913
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner

"The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller

"If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)

About the Author

Jacob Sager Weinstein has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney's, and Cracked.com, and is a former contributor to The Onion. He's also written for HBO, NBC, and the BBC.

Jacob and his wife live in London with their two children, neither of whom has ever been lost at sea or stuck in the middle of a buffalo stampede. Also, that one time he wasn't paying attention and the baby carriage rolled into the Regent's Park Duck Pond, neither of his kids was in it. What more could you want from a parenting expert?

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Andrews McMeel Publishing; Original edition (March 20, 2012)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 136 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1449409911
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1449409913
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 12.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,632,490 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2,012 in Parody
- #2,091 in Parenting & Families Humor
- #3,517 in Love, Sex & Marriage Humor

Customer Reviews:
65 ratings

About the author

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Jacob Sager Weinstein
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Jacob Sager Weinstein's work has appeared in The New Yorker and The Onion, and he has written for HBO and the BBC as well. He's the author of six books and the co-author of three more. His latest work is the picture book PRINCESS UNLIMITED.
Jacob lives in London, as does his wife, their two children, and the Queen of England. (Only some of those people live in the same flat as him.)
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Customer reviews

5 star		66%
4 star		10%
3 star		8%
2 star		12%
1 star		3%

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Top reviews from the United States

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A lifesaver--literally.

Reviewed in the United States on July 11, 2016

Verified Purchase

This was a GREAT gift for my sister and brother in law as they were preparing to have their first baby. I would highly suggest it for all the soon to be parents that take life too seriously, as well as those who just like to laugh. A great relief from all of the other "serious" parenting books that are out there. Now if their baby survives to the age of 18, I can take all the credit!

2 people found this helpful

funny but lacking in some ways

Reviewed in the United States on March 6, 2013

Verified Purchase

I have the kindle verson and its funny but lacking.

first there are several pictures such as how to install a carseat. This could be funny but there is no way to zoom in and view the diagram so as a kindle reader it and many other diagrams were unreadable.

in addition while it was funny it was pretty short. I read it aloud on a roadtrip and we finshed in in about 1.5 hours.

finaly while it was funny i found the cover misleading I expected more good/bad photos and there wernt any.

with that being said it was a funny book and i enjoyed reading it.

I wish I'd gotten this for my baby shower

Reviewed in the United States on March 29, 2012

Verified Purchase

How Not to Kill Your Baby isn't a parenting book; it's a parody of the parenting books we all read that gave us important and serious advice like: never put your child in a stroller lest he not learn to walk, cement all your bookshelves to the wall, and train your baby to go to sleep on her own because otherwise you'll need to show up every night at her college dorm to rock her to sleep.

I went back after I read the book and reread all the "Dan" sidebars. "Dan" underscores the sexist and insulting way the parenting industry demeans the father and expects the mother to be perfect.

This book might have been far more useful to me as a new parent than all the serious baby guides. Had I gotten it as a shower gift, it would have made me laugh at how seriously I was taking the whole thing and how insane the babycare industry has gotten.

17 people found this helpful

My Baby Survived!

Reviewed in the United States on June 26, 2014

Verified Purchase

I was going to say something witty, but the other reviewers have all beaten me to the punch. Quite simply, this book is irreverent and hilarious. As long as you don't get offended too easily, this will help relieve some of the considerable stress of knowing that your life will soon be fundamentally altered forever (i.e. - your wife is going to give birth).

Chad Allen Houston

I bought this for my best friend who accidentally killed his first four newborns

Reviewed in the United States on February 17, 2016

Verified Purchase

I bought this for my best friend who accidentally killed his first four newborns. After receiving this book, the next two he had survived and are still alive! One is three years old, the other one year old! Definitely worth the investment if you don't want dead kids!

4 people found this helpful

Maybe my expectations were too high but I thought the ...

Reviewed in the United States on August 23, 2015

Verified Purchase

Maybe my expectations were too high but I thought the book would be funnier than it is. The cover is the funniest part of the book.

One person found this helpful

No dead babies yet! =D

Reviewed in the United States on January 7, 2016

Verified Purchase

Ever since I purchased this book my child has, I'm happy to report, NOT died. This fantastic piece of literature does not fail to deliver. It's (literally) a life-saver!

One person found this helpful

RJswaneeTop Contributor: Pets

Should be required reading

Reviewed in the United States on May 17, 2013

Verified Purchase

Did you know that you shouldn't give your baby a real bear; you should give them a TEDDY bear? I KNOW RIGHT NEITHER DID I UNTIL I READ THIS WORK OF GENIUS

This book has literally saved the lives of my future children. It is chock full of valuable tidbits of information that most of us mere mortals just don't think about when it comes to parenting. I thought I was moderately prepared for motherhood before I picked this glorious gem up for a friend's baby shower - boy, was I wrong!

How many poor, innocent children could be spared every year if everyone thinking of becoming a parent was strapped to a chair and forced to memorize this invaluable work? PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND BUY THIS BOOK

3 people found this helpful

Top reviews from other countries

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Tham

Mit Kindle schlecht lesbar

Reviewed in Germany on April 18, 2017

Verified Purchase

Das Buch ist jetzt nicht so extrem lustig (als Eltern mit akutem Schlafmangel kann ma ja trotzdem über die seltsamsten Dinge lachen), hat ein paar nette Schmunzler.
Allerdings habe ich einen extra-Abzug für die Kindle-Ausgabe gemacht: Ein größerer Anteil des Humors steckt in tabellarischen Ansichten, die auf dem Kindle so winzig sind, dass sie kaum zu lesen sind. Leider hier sehr schlecht digitalisiert!

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Schorschi

Wer sich selber gerne auf die Schippe nimmt...

Reviewed in Germany on January 1, 2013

Verified Purchase

Kann das Buch allen werdenden oder jungen Eltern empfehlen. Es nimmt überzogen und satirisch die normale Ungewissheit unerfahrener Eltern auf die Schippe, ohne ernsthaft böse zu wirken. Für alle die, die sich während der Erziehung in jungen Jahren nicht so ernst nehmen, hat das Buch einige Lacher bereit.

Ich muss zugeben, dass ich an der ein oder anderen Stelle auch mich wieder gefunden habe.

One person found this helpful

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Korrina Turkenburg

Funny book

Reviewed in Canada on August 7, 2018

Verified Purchase

Cute book

Simon Weagant

Four Stars

Reviewed in Canada on January 2, 2016

Verified Purchase

Funny

Matthew

Expected more

Reviewed in Japan on January 30, 2021

Verified Purchase

I expected there to be general good information/tips for parents while being comical and well written.
It had none of these things.

I got about half way through, and it was really a struggle. It IS possible it was one of those "made for print" books so reading it on my phone with the Kindle app made it fall flat. The pictures/illustrations were underwhelming and were obviously not formatted for the digital version.

It's a shame in a way, had I bought the physical copy, I would have at least been able to use it as kindling this winter.

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