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The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame Paperback – November 2, 2015

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This book is a handbook for increasing your emotional intelligence. Moreover, if you are a survivor of a dysfunctional family, it is a guide for repairing the damage done to your emotional nature in childhood. As such it is actually a sequel to my later book: Complex PTSD from Surviving To Thriving. The Tao of Fully Feeling focuses primarily on the emotional healing level of trauma recovery. It is a safe handbook for grieving losses of childhood. Whether or not you are a childhood trauma survivor, this book is a guide to emotional health. The degree of our mental health is often reflected in the degree to which we love and respect ourselves and others in a myriad of different feeling states. Real self-esteem and real intimacy with others depends on the ability to lovingly be there for oneself and others, whether one's feeling experience is pleasant or unpleasant. Those who can only be there for themselves or another during the "good" times show no constancy, inspire little trust, and are only fair weather friends to themselves and others. Without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest. Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem. Thus, while it may be fairly easy to like oneself when feelings of love, happiness or serenity are present, deeper psychological health is seen only in the individual who can maintain a posture of self-compassion and self-respect in the times of emotional hurt that accompany life's inevitable losses, disappointments and unforeseen difficulties. Finally this book explores the nature and limits of real forgiveness - identifying behaviors and people who cannot authentically be forgiven.

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
1,051 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the content enlightening, informative, and therapeutic. They describe the book as excellent, wonderful, and fabulous. Readers praise the writing as clear, impactful, and gentle. Additionally, they describe the emotional depth as grounding, moving, and affecting.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

38 customers mention "Enlightened content"38 positive0 negative

Customers find the book enlightening, informative, and therapeutic. They say it's full of helpful suggestions and things to do to work through feelings. Readers also mention the book has changed their lives for the better and helped them find peace. They say it opens doors to new worlds and healing.

"Great information and relatability in this book. It really helps you to embrace your feelings and emotions more without shame...." Read more

"...Pete's writing is gentle, thoughtful and deep while he never holds back from the truth - I really value the wonderful quotes that he has sprinkled..." Read more

"...5. It is both insightful and transformative. So many books are about diagnosis but then fail to give the reader tools to change. This book does both...." Read more

"...book helped validate that experience for me and give me genuine hope for further healing...." Read more

34 customers mention "Value for money"34 positive0 negative

Customers find the book excellent, wonderful, and invaluable. They say it helps any person or especially a therapist understand how to help others. Readers also mention the author's work is fabulous, wise, and beautifully written. Overall, they say the book is worth the money.

"I believe this to be one of the best books ever written on becoming emotionally whole...." Read more

"...Conclusion:This book is a worthwhile read. It’s one of the best I’ve read on psychology in general." Read more

"...Most excellent book. This plus his COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving the Thriving get my highest recommendation." Read more

"...It's a wonderful book to help any person or especially a therapist to understand how to fully appreciate a person's psyche...." Read more

18 customers mention "Emotional depth"15 positive3 negative

Customers find the book emotionally grounding, intense, and affecting. They say it connects with them deeply and helps uncover and release pain and anger from childhood neglect. Readers also describe the book as captivating, incisive, and funny.

"...about a completeness to the first book, it adds layers of richness and personal vulnerability that makes me feel like I know Pete...." Read more

"...You have to take it very, very slowly, but it helps uncover and release the pain and anger from childhood neglect and abuse, at least that's what..." Read more

"...For me this book connected with me so deeply that I wept every time I read it...." Read more

"...my life for the better and helped me find peace, happiness and love for myself...." Read more

18 customers mention "Readability"14 positive4 negative

Customers find the writing clear, impactful, and gentle. They say the author uses layman's terms for easy reading and it's easy to understand and put into practice. Readers also mention that the book is relatable and spices up its chapters with wonderful quotations.

"Great information and relatability in this book. It really helps you to embrace your feelings and emotions more without shame...." Read more

"...while he never holds back from the truth - I really value the wonderful quotes that he has sprinkled throughout both books - acting as both capsules..." Read more

"...with a troublesome life that he finally mastered - and he explains things very clearly and compassionately to you, and for you...." Read more

"...Like I said, the book gets receptive at times. Other people who read the book mentioned that it can get a bit “heavy.” It’s not a breezy read...." Read more

4 customers mention "Credibility"4 positive0 negative

Customers find the book credible. They say it's comforting, empowering, and true.

"Initially, I enjoyed reading this book. It was immensely validating, but after I got through about 70% of the book, the content seemed repetitive..." Read more

"...to fully feel, forgive yourself, grieve, etc.—are extremely deep and true." Read more

"...describing theories and concepts makes it all the more powerful & credible...." Read more

"...You will feel seen, heard, and loved. Validating, comforting, and empowering...." Read more

4 customers mention "Thought provoking"4 positive0 negative

Customers find the book thought-provoking, eye-opening, and incisive. They say it's a great tool for building a real image of oneself.

"...Each is so powerful. Pete's writing is gentle, thoughtful and deep while he never holds back from the truth - I really value the wonderful quotes..." Read more

"...This book was very eye opening for me and should be mandatory reading for children...." Read more

"A wonderful book. Deep, honest, incisive, illuminating, captivating, and at times quite funny...." Read more

"...for recognizing harmful patterns in ones thinking and a great tool for building a real image of the self..." Read more

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Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2024
Great information and relatability in this book. It really helps you to embrace your feelings and emotions more without shame. Especially great when paired with books on trauma or other mental health topics.
Reviewed in the United States on February 28, 2019
I believe this to be one of the best books ever written on becoming emotionally whole. This book was written by a man who has been there as far as dealing with the affects of growing up in an abusive environment and the after-effects of that exposure: C-PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Several years ago after suspecting I had acquired this quality due to the difficulty I was having in my attempts to develop and maintain primary relationships, I went to see a therapist to confirm my personal assessment. I was at a level 9 out of 10, and according to my therapist, the same as a women who had been repeatedly raped, a parallel experience I was subjected to as a child due to the repeated sexual abuse inflicted on me from a much older male sibling, and other abuses including neglect, religious abuse and more from my primary caregivers.

What I came to realize was the relationship I really needed to heal is the relationship I have with myself, and this book, along with help from an outside support group, gives me the guidance I need to do that. I'm not going to sugarcoat this; it's difficult, sometimes immensely painful work, but when I experience those moments, and sometimes even days when I feel whole and grounded and in touch with the true self I lost when I went into emotional hiding decades ago, I know it is worth whatever effort I need to apply in relationship to my own recovery. This book focuses on just that, and it's priceless to me.
42 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on October 20, 2017
This book is not only life changing it is world changing!

I have been in some sort of therapy for 22 years - but I realize I was only maintaining a holding pattern and nothing I ever did would have a chance of really making a difference if I did not understand the truths covered in The The Tao of Fully Feeling. I have also read Pete Walkers Complex CPTSD which is equally life-changing. Each is so powerful. Pete's writing is gentle, thoughtful and deep while he never holds back from the truth - I really value the wonderful quotes that he has sprinkled throughout both books - acting as both capsules for complex ideas and springboards to allow you to dive deeper.

Pete talks about things that society and often therapists are unsure of speaking about from a stance of both fear that the truth is too brutal together with lack of knowledge.

Complex PTSD was only beginning to be written about in the mid-1990 - Judith Herman coined the phrase in her brutally honest book 'Trauma and Recovery'. The idea that emotional neglect, something so unseeable from the outside, could have such a devastating and ongoing effect on the lives of its victims is revelatory. In both Pete Walker's books, he maps out all the things I have struggled with all my life - thinking I must be really defective. The Toa of Fully Feeling in particular really uncovers why I am as I am and it is not the innate me that is this way - I have become this way as a result of the emotional trauma experienced in my early life, reinforced over and over by the patterns my inner parent invented to keep me safe. And now that I have seen the kind of hole I am in can I find a way out of it.

During my years of therapy, I have done the sorts that "expected" you to forgive parents ...but I never could, leaving me in a sea of guilt, assuming I am a bad person. The Toa of Fully Feeling explains that forgiveness only occurs when one places blame where it is due and feels the anger and loss around that. It reminds me that "taking the blame", as victims are trained to do (and is often implied in premature forgiveness practices) exacerbates the trauma. I am learning to place the blame where it is due and not to take the blame for anything that was/is not mine to take - I see it as part of the idea Brene Brown talks about of owning my story completely... if you take the blame for something not yours to own, you make your story a lie! It seems one may well harvest forgiveness out of blame.

Thank you, Pete Walker, for writing this and your other books - they have the capacity to heal the world one person at a time.
214 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 12, 2014
1. Pete writes from experience and well as a therapist. His is the only work I've ever read that didn't make me feel like something was wrong with me that needed fixing and he had all the answers. He clearly distinguishes between identity and traits, something that every person who has suffered trauma needs to understand first and foremost. So much of what I identified with as part of my personality I recognize is a very natural human response to trauma. That erased so much shame. I am in the process of discovering for the first time who I really am.

2. I think every human being should be required to read it because it is the only book I've read that fully understands what a human is and gives full permission to wake up and be alive. So many people who don't need to recover from trauma still operate on a robotic level to varying degrees. They have no idea how to feel and listen and engage with themselves and thus others and the world. Because it is so balanced, every person will find what they are missing to recenter their heart. Regardless of race, gender, age, religion, what makes us human is emotion and this book is all about balancing emotions by using them for what they were intended.

3. We've all heard of fight and flight. But he expands with two other F's (fawn and freeze) which explains in more reality reaction to abuse and neglect. I mostly fawn and freeze and needed to someone to point out to me my subconscious reactions. I didn't even know I was reacting.

4. Understanding emotional flashbacks is key to the path of wholeness. I have very little memory of my childhood and what I do remember was not abusive or neglectful according to most people's definition. It was just life. I spent decades feeling like I couldn't handle life and everything that I struggled with was my own fault. Being aware of emotional flashbacks without visualization gave me tools to understand why I was feeling the way I did and helped me pull out of it.

5. It is both insightful and transformative. So many books are about diagnosis but then fail to give the reader tools to change. This book does both. I understand why and I have tools to be who I want to be.

I have given this book to several friends and they are saying the same things I am. Finally something that really understands what I went though and how I feel and how I can heal.

Thank you Pete, for being brave enough to lead the way. You are changing lives. I can imagine what our world will be like when we allow ourselves and others to be human. It's beautiful.
251 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Rakeesh
5.0 out of 5 stars Heartfelt and thought-provoking
Reviewed in Canada on May 19, 2024
I've only gotten through the first couple of chapters so far, but there's a palpable feeling of authenticity and love in the writing. The author cares about the subject and seemingly the reader.

Not sure what solutions it offers yet if any, but it's very eye-opening. Very moving to have someone tell you that your feelings mean something and that they're not silly or something to be discarded or shoved under the rug.
Anke
5.0 out of 5 stars Buch
Reviewed in Germany on May 18, 2023
Ich habe das Buch verschenkt, und es wurde mit Begeisterung gelesen. Für die Leserin war es wichtig, dieses Buch in der Originalsprache zu lesen, da bei Übersetzungen oftmals die wichtigen Feinheiten untergehen bzw nicht so übersetzt werden können wie der Autor es letztlich meint. Ein wichtiges Buch für Menschen, die mit dieser Problematik zu tun haben.
Lydia Mellaart
5.0 out of 5 stars MUST READ for ALL
Reviewed in the Netherlands on January 3, 2023
This book will give you the most important foundation in life, the capacity, willingness, and freedom to feel. Healing happens as you read through the pages. I felt seen and validated on so many occasions. Highly recommended!
One person found this helpful
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Tala R. PARIS
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read!
Reviewed in France on August 16, 2022
This book would do so much good if it was read by way more people!
Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing book.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 1, 2019
Have to laugh at the reviews saying this book is outdated. I had some reservations of buying it as it was written so long after his second brilliant book 'cptsd' but it is totally relevant and beautifully written. And the person patronising it because of their views on BPD etc is just being extremely negative and I can't see why. The book, as another reviewer said, is filled with great insights and also keeps it relatively light with jokes about such a complex and sometimes very stressful topic. People are people and time doesn't change mental illness/issues. Both his books have done so much for me, they've completely changed my life and led me to more happiness than I have ever felt after a decade of trying to get to the bottom of chronic POCD and anxiety, alcoholism and many other unhealthy patterns. In short, it's superb, highly recommend!
48 people found this helpful
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