Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity Kindle Edition

This is a must read for any parent who has ever asked themselves "what did I do wrong?" Solomon has extensively researched and deeply reported the differences and similarities between parents of children who cannot be called "normal." Dwarfs, deaf people, people with Down syndrome, children with autism, transgender kids -- they all provide challenges to parents in ways that are more similar than I would have ever imagined. I've taken comfort from knowing that there are many, many more people out there with which there is an opportunity for shared connection. Humanity's hope has always been in finding where we can connect. I have learned much, felt much, and I have deep thanks to Solomon for sharing this work with the world.

As an aside, this is a thick book but it does not need to be read cover to cover. Read the first chapter (Son) and then choose the chapter that speaks most to you. Then you can go back later and read other chapters.

Far From the Tree is a TOME. I mean, it's a great big, heavy book in every sense of the word. To be honest, I was a little intimidated when my copy arrived! I didn't read it cover to cover, but started with the autism chapter because it was relevant to our family. I found it to be a very well-researched, sensitive look at how autism can affect a parent's life, hopes, and perceptions.

That chapter was so good, I moved to the crime chapter and stayed up way too late because I could not put it down. Thank you, Mr. Solomon for pointing out the absurdities in our justice system when it comes to dealing with juvenile crime. (And as for the reviewer who questioned including crime at all, this book focuses on any possible way that a child can turn out different than their parents expected, and being guilty of a crime definitely seems appropriate to me.) I learned a lot from this chapter, and was particularly fascinated by the Klebolds' story. Once again, Soloman wrote with sensitivity about a very difficult and controversial topic.

From there I read the chapter on dwarfism, and then finally turned to the first pages of the book and started reading the beginning! I wanted to learn about how families deal with a diagnosis of autism; instead I learned about how families deal with all kinds of unexpected outcomes, how resilient parents can be when faced with hardships, and how connected are the identities of parents and their children. As a parent, I understand the constant struggle to balance who we want our children to be and who they actually are. "There is no such thing as reproduction" may be my new mantra.

One more thing: in 700 pages (okay, I admit, I didn't read the Acknowledgments) I never found an example of "martyrdom" that one reviewer complained about. The book relates honest responses from parents in the trenches. Parenting isn't always fun, even for parents of kids who have no extra challenges. But Far From the Tree isn't a chronicle of long-suffering devastated parents; there are plenty of positive, hopeful, make-the-best-of-it moments as well.

It's a fascinating book for anyone interested in parenting, psychology, or the history of disability. Highly recommended.

Andrew Solomon's newest book, Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity, tells hundreds of stories of parents who not only know how to deal with their exceptional children but also how to find profound meaning in doing so. His topics could never be considered light but I found that his insight and his stories of love and family relationships were most appropriate for everyone. Solomon spent over ten years doing research for this book and he does not disappoint. This 900-page tome is about humanity, disabilities, challenges, amazing love, unbelievable families and parent-child relationships. While some realities may seem implausible, more than 200 pages of citations and notes support his work and many stories are tied to recent changes in our policies, our understanding and our acceptance.

I dare to add my personal thoughts with those of the Pulitzer and Nobel prizewinners on the book's jacket because Solomon's work is, without a doubt, the most fascinating treatise about people that I have ever read. He has documented these stories by interviewing families who cope with deafness, dwarfism, Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, multiple severe disabilities, children who are prodigies, who are conceived in rape, who become criminals, who are transgender. Some were very difficult to read about, like the use of rape as a weapon of war and its effect on children or living the realities of transgender identity. While any of these characteristics are potentially isolating, the experience of difference within these families is universal in their struggles with compassion and with the triumphs of love that Solomon wonderfully documents in every chapter. The range of conditions that we deal with as humans is staggering, like the demands of gifted children being as consuming as for those with severe disabilities. His thoughts are beyond intriguing and he has made this world more understandable to me.

Solomon's startling proposition is that our diversity is what unites us. His perspectives are global, his words are rich and heady and his passion should also give you some wonderful insights about the world around us and much food for thought about ourselves, our families and just how lucky we are to be living today. First listen to his TED Talk from last April entitled 'Love, no matter what' and then check out his webpage for this book [www dot farfromthetree dot com] on your computer. It will offer you an assortment of quotes and video clips both from Solomon and from people who he writes about that address the dozen chapters and the themes of virtually every part of the book. It is a wonderful overview of its contents about life, love and the 'wisdom of Solomon' that flavors this work. This is riveting reading.

Bob Magnant is a novelist who writes about technology, public policy, globalization, Internet security and the US in the Middle East.