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Pretentious Books That Make My Brain Barf

Leon Vance
 
Geek Love
Geek Love
"This book reads like a transcript from my last family reunion - minus the booze and nudity. I am not amused."
The Bell Jar: A Novel (Perennial Classics)
The Bell Jar: A Novel (Perennial Classics)
"Imagine Catcher In The Rye with a female protagonist and written by a retarded howler monkey - this book  is the end result."
Love in the Time of Cholera (Penguin Great Books of the 20th Century)
Love in the Time of Cholera (Penguin Great Books of the 20th Century)
"This bastard just won't quit, will he?  Love can conquer anything, except a bacterial disease that causes watery diarrhea, vomiting, cramps, and death."
The Master and Margarita
The Master and Margarita
"How would we know what good books were unless we also read drivel like this?  You want a story about Satan, read the friggin' Bible, knucklehead."
The Prophet (A Borzoi Book)
The Prophet (A Borzoi Book)
"People say this book stays with you for a long time - yeah, just like herpes. Sit down, Kahil, you're blocking the television."
To Kill a Mockingbird
To Kill a Mockingbird
"Harper, you fibber, fess up, Truman really DID write this for you, no?  Do yourself a favor and read In Cold Blood instead. There are no precious children in it for starters..."
Brave New World & Brave New World Revisited
Brave New World & Brave New World Revisited
"Brave New World? Nope. Smells like the Same Old Crap to me.  It's books like this that make me drink myself to sleep."
The God of Small Things
The God of Small Things
"This book is so sweet and heartbreaking and profound that it makes me wish there were a God of Shut The F*ck Up Already."
Jitterbug Perfume
Jitterbug Perfume
"Hey kids, take a knee: This man will probably impress you when you first read him.  Chalk it up to too much dope .  Read it years later, & he's a verbally masturbatory fruit loop."