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5.0 out of 5 starsDIAL M FOR MARKERS
BySHEiK124on November 6, 2013
Everyone knows the secret to good teaching is the intoxicating odor of Expo Original Chisel Tip Dry Erase Markers. I have no room in my life for that hippy, "LOW ODOR" nonsense. I need to feel the glory of fifty thousand unicorns coursing through my veins every time I uncap my marker, these get the job done. If you too, feel similarly about the pungent funk of what you use for your in-class cave paintings, read on. If you're shocked by your own incredulity re:my awe inspiring writing, you lack discipline.
Sit down children, Mr. Amazon Reviewer is going to uncap his huffing marker and tell you a story about how sissies ruined a functional product for the rest of us. According to the Online Compendium of Human Knowledge, Wikipedia, EXPO markers were unleashed upon humanity in 1976. There was much rejoicing. The markers mark methodically and meticulously, markedly making many more meager markers miserable and morose.
Uncap that sucker and make a juicy black line on the board, because you can, you winner, you. Did you make a mistake? Need to erase it quickly? Methyl isobutyl ketone, motherf...oops, family site, I already did an "M" sentence. It has an obscenely high vapor pressure and it's the solvent in EXPO markers; ENGLISH: the markers stink because they dry quickly, they erase easily because they dry quickly, I'm a Chemistry teacher, trust me. Note, this has -one- con, if you leave these uncapped for more than five minutes, they are done. They've dried out. You can re-cap them and leave them upside down overnight, but chances are, they're gone.
Why do I hate low odor markers with the fervor only a marker huffer could muster? For starters, it is now impossible to purchase these normal markers anywhere locally. I'm not joking. The low odor markers were released as a punishment in 1986, potentially for hair metal or other terrible 80s pop culture, probably a sign of the Last Days. They used to be clearly labeled on the package, and the marker. "EXPO2," they said, the 2 written nearly as bold and large as the entire word preceding it. You saw that 2, and you knew, right away, that either your teacher was a sissy, or they were a glutton for punishment and enjoyed cleaning their whiteboard weekly with an angle grinder. That marker was not an EXPO, it was an EXPO*2*, a shoddy revision, a retched swindler, an impostor.
"Why does that matter?!" I'll tell you why it matters. The labeling changed. Now the boxes look identical, save for a small, secret scarlet set of words in the corner, "low odor marker." Retailers decided they didn't need as much floor space for these things. People also misplaced their manhood. Go to any big-box retailer or office supply store, and the low odor markers are all you can find. They are more difficult to erase, don't smell like winning, and believe it or not, not as vibrant. How are they different? A weak, measly, slowly evaporating alcohol replaces the methyl isobutyl ketone. The colors are the same, sure, you got your black and blue and red and whatever. The stink is not; I personally think the "low odor" markers smell worse. Ketones smell sweet. Alcohol smells like college and bad decisions. Like the decision brick and mortar retailers made to stop stocking the stuff of legends.