Top positive review
1,197 people found this helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsChanging my life.
ByTrevor Milleron May 5, 2015
My Dad gave me a copy of this when I graduated highschool in the 90s but I wasn't "ready" for it yet, I don't even think I read it to be honest. Now I'm 37 and realizing that I've put my personal growth on the back burner for entirely too long. I had pretty much given up on making new adult friends. I had actually self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's because I was having such a difficult time trying to figure out why people (including myself) do the things that do. The realization that my marriage was being effected by my nearly empty toolbox of social skills promoted me to take personal responsibility and shoulder the blame myself for once instead of blaming everyone around me for everything. I grew up with a hypercritical Mother so I think I had promised myself that I would never be criticized again, even if that meant writing people off the instant I felt like I had made myself vulnerable enough to be hurt by them.
I couldn't find the copy that my dad gave me so I ordered a new one and chapter 1 alone is changing the way I look at EVERYTHING. I've been plagued with mild depression/anxiety for 20 years and I'm realizing that I've developed some unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with these issues. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but the fortress-like walls I've constructed to deal with criticism (real or perceived) aren't much better for me. I've re-read and taken notes on the first section of the book several times now and my wife is noticing and she seems quite relieved, i had no idea I could impact another persons life so strongly.
Like I said, I am only getting started with the book and it has already helped me enough to warrant a 5-star rating. This book has stood the test of time for a reason and I can see why now. The strategies are applicable to and helpful in all aspects of my life so far, from my marriage to my job, and even to the way I interact with clerks in gas stations. I've read numerous self help books in the past, seen a therapist for 3 years, been through the gauntlet of antidepressants, etc, and until now I thought I was wasting my time. I've been learning things all along, but I never learned how to actually apply the things I had learned until now. This book speaks my language and if your background sounds even remotely similar I have a feeling that you'll agree.
I couldn't find the copy that my dad gave me so I ordered a new one and chapter 1 alone is changing the way I look at EVERYTHING. I've been plagued with mild depression/anxiety for 20 years and I'm realizing that I've developed some unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with these issues. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but the fortress-like walls I've constructed to deal with criticism (real or perceived) aren't much better for me. I've re-read and taken notes on the first section of the book several times now and my wife is noticing and she seems quite relieved, i had no idea I could impact another persons life so strongly.
Like I said, I am only getting started with the book and it has already helped me enough to warrant a 5-star rating. This book has stood the test of time for a reason and I can see why now. The strategies are applicable to and helpful in all aspects of my life so far, from my marriage to my job, and even to the way I interact with clerks in gas stations. I've read numerous self help books in the past, seen a therapist for 3 years, been through the gauntlet of antidepressants, etc, and until now I thought I was wasting my time. I've been learning things all along, but I never learned how to actually apply the things I had learned until now. This book speaks my language and if your background sounds even remotely similar I have a feeling that you'll agree.
Top critical review
3 people found this helpful
3.0 out of 5 starsMy honest opinion
ByPrestonon February 19, 2018
I gave this book three out five stars.
- I got a few quotes to live by out of this book
- There's a lot of dated material that history buffs may like
- The overall THEME of the book is to be considerate of other people's feelings and the rest of the book is "the best case scenario" of how this strategy went well throughout history.
- 75% of the way through I just wanted it to be over,but, this book is a classic and I hate leaving a book partially read.
- Three stars.
- I got a few quotes to live by out of this book
- There's a lot of dated material that history buffs may like
- The overall THEME of the book is to be considerate of other people's feelings and the rest of the book is "the best case scenario" of how this strategy went well throughout history.
- 75% of the way through I just wanted it to be over,but, this book is a classic and I hate leaving a book partially read.
- Three stars.
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ByTrevor Milleron May 5, 2015
My Dad gave me a copy of this when I graduated highschool in the 90s but I wasn't "ready" for it yet, I don't even think I read it to be honest. Now I'm 37 and realizing that I've put my personal growth on the back burner for entirely too long. I had pretty much given up on making new adult friends. I had actually self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's because I was having such a difficult time trying to figure out why people (including myself) do the things that do. The realization that my marriage was being effected by my nearly empty toolbox of social skills promoted me to take personal responsibility and shoulder the blame myself for once instead of blaming everyone around me for everything. I grew up with a hypercritical Mother so I think I had promised myself that I would never be criticized again, even if that meant writing people off the instant I felt like I had made myself vulnerable enough to be hurt by them.
I couldn't find the copy that my dad gave me so I ordered a new one and chapter 1 alone is changing the way I look at EVERYTHING. I've been plagued with mild depression/anxiety for 20 years and I'm realizing that I've developed some unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with these issues. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but the fortress-like walls I've constructed to deal with criticism (real or perceived) aren't much better for me. I've re-read and taken notes on the first section of the book several times now and my wife is noticing and she seems quite relieved, i had no idea I could impact another persons life so strongly.
Like I said, I am only getting started with the book and it has already helped me enough to warrant a 5-star rating. This book has stood the test of time for a reason and I can see why now. The strategies are applicable to and helpful in all aspects of my life so far, from my marriage to my job, and even to the way I interact with clerks in gas stations. I've read numerous self help books in the past, seen a therapist for 3 years, been through the gauntlet of antidepressants, etc, and until now I thought I was wasting my time. I've been learning things all along, but I never learned how to actually apply the things I had learned until now. This book speaks my language and if your background sounds even remotely similar I have a feeling that you'll agree.
I couldn't find the copy that my dad gave me so I ordered a new one and chapter 1 alone is changing the way I look at EVERYTHING. I've been plagued with mild depression/anxiety for 20 years and I'm realizing that I've developed some unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with these issues. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but the fortress-like walls I've constructed to deal with criticism (real or perceived) aren't much better for me. I've re-read and taken notes on the first section of the book several times now and my wife is noticing and she seems quite relieved, i had no idea I could impact another persons life so strongly.
Like I said, I am only getting started with the book and it has already helped me enough to warrant a 5-star rating. This book has stood the test of time for a reason and I can see why now. The strategies are applicable to and helpful in all aspects of my life so far, from my marriage to my job, and even to the way I interact with clerks in gas stations. I've read numerous self help books in the past, seen a therapist for 3 years, been through the gauntlet of antidepressants, etc, and until now I thought I was wasting my time. I've been learning things all along, but I never learned how to actually apply the things I had learned until now. This book speaks my language and if your background sounds even remotely similar I have a feeling that you'll agree.
1,197 people found this helpful
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ByKrystineon November 12, 2016
In my honest opinion, several principles in this book are repeated around the book. I don't see it as a disadvantage, because repetition is the key to learning. I did think several of the principles explained in the book are common sense, but I found that it could be easy for a person to react quickly to conflicts. This book has taught me the importance of staying in control and how beneficial it is to be in control of our behaviors and act in a way of service to others. The examples described in the book made it simpler to understand the concepts that Dale is teaching. I recommend this book if you would like to improve your skills with people. This book is especially beneficial for those who are working on their businesses and close relationships.
This book is divided into four parts. The first half of the book discusses techniques in handling people and how to have people like you. The final half of the book gives instructions about how to win people to our own thinking and how to be a leader by changing people without offending them or causing resentment.
In the first part of the book, it is divided into three principles. The first principle emphasizes the importance of avoiding criticism and he describes working with people as: working with people of logic. He further describes complaining and criticizing as a foolish task to do and how it takes a person of character to understand, forgive, and have self-control. Principle # 2 describes the importance of honest and sincere appreciation. Within this principle he describes the importance of ending our own thinking of accomplishments and desires. Instead, we must put our focus on the other person's good qualities. If being sincere, this will cause people to cherish them in their minds, even years later. The third principle involves influencing the other person to want, but not in a way that is manipulative. With this principle, he describes the importance of self-expression and connects it to the importance of thinking in terms of the other person, so that they come up with your ideas on their own, which they will like more.
Within the second part of the book, it teaches six principles. The first describes how critical it is to become interested in other people because you will make more friends compared to having others interested in you. When he moves onto the second principle, he explains the importance to smile in a heartwarming way because it will brighten the lives of those who see it. Dale then describes the importance to recall a person's name in the third principle. He gives tips on how to remember and then explains how people enjoy the sound of their own name. The fourth principle is about being a good listener and encouraging those to talk about themselves. He then goes onto to explain again that people are more interested in talking about themselves instead of others. He further explains this point in principle five: Talk in terms of the other person's interests. The final step is to sincerely make the other person feel important because this is the "deepest urge in human nature."
Dale describes in the third part of the book the steps to have a person think in terms of your own thoughts. He then explains that it is better to avoid arguments and to show respect for other people's opinions and never tell them they are wrong. because it will further push them away. If there is fault in your own behavior, Dale explains to immediately admit you're wrong without any doubts. If you are upset, he explains to sit down and counsel together, and if there are differences, understand it. Even in some differences, there will be points of agreement. He then explains the importance of agreement and having the person say "yes," at least twice. You doing this by looking into the other person's viewpoint and asking questions that cause them to agree. It is essential to have friends do the talking and have them excel us, instead of excelling them. When this occurs, they will feel important. To further the notion of feeling important, it is important to have the individual create their own ideas. He deepens this idea by asking questions such as, "Why should he or she want to do it?" and then being sympathetic towards their ideas. In order to catch a person's attention, you must dramatise the ideas you have. If all else fails, he explains the importance of competition and how it drives people to feel important and empowered to work efficiently and effectively.
In the final part of the book, Dale again discusses the importance of beginning with praise and honest appreciation. When someone makes a mistake, call to their mistakes indirectly. This can be done my making their mistakes your own and explaining the importance of fixing it and why it gave you a disadvantage. He then explains the importance of asking questions that direct the person you’re speaking to, to obtain your idea on their own. He emphasizes the importance of having the person be saved from embarrassment, and then explains the importance of praise again, even if it is small. Dale then gives examples of giving a person a reputation that makes them better, in order to have the person be motivated to improve. After giving someone a reputation to live up to, encourage the person to correct their faults and make them happy to do the actions you suggest.
This book is divided into four parts. The first half of the book discusses techniques in handling people and how to have people like you. The final half of the book gives instructions about how to win people to our own thinking and how to be a leader by changing people without offending them or causing resentment.
In the first part of the book, it is divided into three principles. The first principle emphasizes the importance of avoiding criticism and he describes working with people as: working with people of logic. He further describes complaining and criticizing as a foolish task to do and how it takes a person of character to understand, forgive, and have self-control. Principle # 2 describes the importance of honest and sincere appreciation. Within this principle he describes the importance of ending our own thinking of accomplishments and desires. Instead, we must put our focus on the other person's good qualities. If being sincere, this will cause people to cherish them in their minds, even years later. The third principle involves influencing the other person to want, but not in a way that is manipulative. With this principle, he describes the importance of self-expression and connects it to the importance of thinking in terms of the other person, so that they come up with your ideas on their own, which they will like more.
Within the second part of the book, it teaches six principles. The first describes how critical it is to become interested in other people because you will make more friends compared to having others interested in you. When he moves onto the second principle, he explains the importance to smile in a heartwarming way because it will brighten the lives of those who see it. Dale then describes the importance to recall a person's name in the third principle. He gives tips on how to remember and then explains how people enjoy the sound of their own name. The fourth principle is about being a good listener and encouraging those to talk about themselves. He then goes onto to explain again that people are more interested in talking about themselves instead of others. He further explains this point in principle five: Talk in terms of the other person's interests. The final step is to sincerely make the other person feel important because this is the "deepest urge in human nature."
Dale describes in the third part of the book the steps to have a person think in terms of your own thoughts. He then explains that it is better to avoid arguments and to show respect for other people's opinions and never tell them they are wrong. because it will further push them away. If there is fault in your own behavior, Dale explains to immediately admit you're wrong without any doubts. If you are upset, he explains to sit down and counsel together, and if there are differences, understand it. Even in some differences, there will be points of agreement. He then explains the importance of agreement and having the person say "yes," at least twice. You doing this by looking into the other person's viewpoint and asking questions that cause them to agree. It is essential to have friends do the talking and have them excel us, instead of excelling them. When this occurs, they will feel important. To further the notion of feeling important, it is important to have the individual create their own ideas. He deepens this idea by asking questions such as, "Why should he or she want to do it?" and then being sympathetic towards their ideas. In order to catch a person's attention, you must dramatise the ideas you have. If all else fails, he explains the importance of competition and how it drives people to feel important and empowered to work efficiently and effectively.
In the final part of the book, Dale again discusses the importance of beginning with praise and honest appreciation. When someone makes a mistake, call to their mistakes indirectly. This can be done my making their mistakes your own and explaining the importance of fixing it and why it gave you a disadvantage. He then explains the importance of asking questions that direct the person you’re speaking to, to obtain your idea on their own. He emphasizes the importance of having the person be saved from embarrassment, and then explains the importance of praise again, even if it is small. Dale then gives examples of giving a person a reputation that makes them better, in order to have the person be motivated to improve. After giving someone a reputation to live up to, encourage the person to correct their faults and make them happy to do the actions you suggest.
This is one of those classics that everyone's read---or at least should have read. I've been through it a few times now, and I get a little something new from it every time. I'm finally writing a review now mostly so I can remember Carnegie's main points and review them later on.
First off, let's just acknowledge that Carnegie is long-winded AF. He's definitely got a "let's get in a van and drive" vibe going on. I end up skimming through a lot of content just because, once I understand his point, I want to move on already.
Still, he does have useful things to say. Here are the main points I like most:
*** Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
*** Give honest and sincere appreciation.
*** Be genuinely interested in other people. Do things for them---things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.
***Smile more. You have to have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you. Also, sometimes a smile makes another person feel hopeful about life, like they aren't alone or that the world isn't a totally unfriendly place.
***Remember a person's name.
***Be a good listener, and be generous with your approval and praise. Talk about the other person's interests (and they will think you are the most amazing listener in the world...).
***And this last one is key for me, mostly because I feel it (want it?) so deeply. Make the other person feel important. And do it sincerely. We all want the approval of others. We want to feel recognized.
There's a huge second section about winning people over to your side in an argument, but meh. I've been married to a lawyer for twelve years. I don't need any more of that...
First off, let's just acknowledge that Carnegie is long-winded AF. He's definitely got a "let's get in a van and drive" vibe going on. I end up skimming through a lot of content just because, once I understand his point, I want to move on already.
Still, he does have useful things to say. Here are the main points I like most:
*** Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
*** Give honest and sincere appreciation.
*** Be genuinely interested in other people. Do things for them---things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.
***Smile more. You have to have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you. Also, sometimes a smile makes another person feel hopeful about life, like they aren't alone or that the world isn't a totally unfriendly place.
***Remember a person's name.
***Be a good listener, and be generous with your approval and praise. Talk about the other person's interests (and they will think you are the most amazing listener in the world...).
***And this last one is key for me, mostly because I feel it (want it?) so deeply. Make the other person feel important. And do it sincerely. We all want the approval of others. We want to feel recognized.
There's a huge second section about winning people over to your side in an argument, but meh. I've been married to a lawyer for twelve years. I don't need any more of that...
ByC. J. Behrenson September 5, 2017
I wish I had purchased this book sooner.
Dale Carnegie's advice has remained constant and applicable across the years for a reason. It's simple and his techniques make perfect sense. If you're anything like me, you'll be kicking yourself when you see how you could have handled situations differently. I'm being transformed from a socially awkward, timid and defensive person, to someone that seems collected and confident.
If you're having troubles in life and simply can't figure out what you're doing wrong, this is a fantastic place to start. Good luck on your journey!
Dale Carnegie's advice has remained constant and applicable across the years for a reason. It's simple and his techniques make perfect sense. If you're anything like me, you'll be kicking yourself when you see how you could have handled situations differently. I'm being transformed from a socially awkward, timid and defensive person, to someone that seems collected and confident.
If you're having troubles in life and simply can't figure out what you're doing wrong, this is a fantastic place to start. Good luck on your journey!
5.0 out of 5 starsThere is a reason this book continues to be a best seller - practical, useful advice that everyone can benefit from
It takes something extraordinary for a book to remain a best seller fully 80 years after it was first published. Dale Carnegie wrote this book in 1937, offering practical advice in how to get along with others, understand their point of view, and influence them to your own.
It is a testament to the importance of human relationships that even now, in fact ESPECIALLY now, in our internet age and when many of our interactions are via e-mail or text or social media, there continues to be a realization of the importance of human to human contact and relationship.
Carnegie understood the basics of relationships and was particularly effective in expressing how the reader can improve his or her own abilities, in an understandable way, frequently using anecdotes or stories to illustrate key principles.
Just as he teaches the importance of listening, the book should be read in a thoughtful way and with time taken to really consider the points being made. Give them time to be fully absorbed, and use them in daily life.
There are very few people who are so good at relationships that they could not learn something from this book. And periodic re-readings will reinforce the lessons learned and bring out new points that may not have been absorbed in first reading.
It is a testament to the importance of human relationships that even now, in fact ESPECIALLY now, in our internet age and when many of our interactions are via e-mail or text or social media, there continues to be a realization of the importance of human to human contact and relationship.
Carnegie understood the basics of relationships and was particularly effective in expressing how the reader can improve his or her own abilities, in an understandable way, frequently using anecdotes or stories to illustrate key principles.
Just as he teaches the importance of listening, the book should be read in a thoughtful way and with time taken to really consider the points being made. Give them time to be fully absorbed, and use them in daily life.
There are very few people who are so good at relationships that they could not learn something from this book. And periodic re-readings will reinforce the lessons learned and bring out new points that may not have been absorbed in first reading.
BySteve Niedermeyeron January 5, 2018
This book is a MUST read for anyone, but particularly if you are in management or sales. This book changed my life in the way that I interact with people. I would highly recommend this book to ANYONE because it teaches everyone valuable lessons about human interaction. This book covers a wide range of topics such as how to motivate people, how to win them to your way of thinking, but also covers small and often overlooked things such as the importance of remembering someone's name (and tips for how to do so). Get a hard copy and read it several times, then pass it on to someone you know who could use help with becoming a better "people person".
BySJon January 30, 2018
It’s no wonder that this book has been around for almost a century. The values and discussion are as relevant today as they have ever been and this book, despite its incredible acclaim, exceeded all expectations.
Dale Carnegie understood something deeper - he understood what matters and what doesn’t. He understood an underlying truth about humanity, despite our many differences. This book requires its student to consider a different approach to life and toward people than our default permit and it makes no apologies; minces no words. It has expectations of our egos and expects that we are more than our pettiness and insecurities. I valued that part very much.
This book is one of the most useful, important, and relevant pieces of work that I’ve ever read. And 82 years later, it’s remains one of the pillars of self improvement. Something that absolutely should read and a book I recommend to everyone!
Dale Carnegie understood something deeper - he understood what matters and what doesn’t. He understood an underlying truth about humanity, despite our many differences. This book requires its student to consider a different approach to life and toward people than our default permit and it makes no apologies; minces no words. It has expectations of our egos and expects that we are more than our pettiness and insecurities. I valued that part very much.
This book is one of the most useful, important, and relevant pieces of work that I’ve ever read. And 82 years later, it’s remains one of the pillars of self improvement. Something that absolutely should read and a book I recommend to everyone!
ByMISS MARIEon November 26, 2017
I would like to begin the review by stating I have always found the title of this book incredibly off-putting. I understand that it is meant to draw a customer’s attention, but the title, to me, does not at all represent the product. This book is not a self-help book for people who want to make friends. It is a book that reiterates the basic tenants of leadership in a work environment. Point being, don’t let the kitsch title keep you from giving this book a chance, there is good information here.
My father handed this book to me when I was a young adult and I was about to make the leap into the working world. He told me that it held the keys to effective leadership. I bucked against reading it for a while before finally relenting (I was a precocious teenager and obviously already knew everything the world had to offer), and again, the title of the book seriously repelled me. Since initially relenting, I have now read this book multiple times throughout the years, and it never fails to pull me back into reality.
From time to time I even find myself subconsciously summarizing Carnegie while hosting leadership training or while mentoring my workers. This almost always prompts me to pick the book back up again. (I really enjoy reading through all of the notes I've scribbled in the margins over the years. It's always an interesting dive into your own subconscious through the ability to see such a time capsule: what is basically a time-stamped example of opinions and the ever-changing priorities of your own ideals. That is neither here nor there though; my love for actual physical books as well as my preference for writing my responses and opinions all over the pages is not really relevant to this review. Just a tangent.)
What I find so intriguing about Carnegie's concepts are that they are so obviously all just common sense. There are absolutely *zero* revelations here. You will learn nothing new about interpersonal relationships, leadership, or mentorship; every new chapter that you embark on is so 'in-your-face' obvious that you almost want to smack your own forehead like an over-dramatic soap opera star; stating "OF COURSE".
Despite this fact; (I personally feel) it really is important to read all of these *truths* of life... ironically enough, exactly because they are such common sense statements:
** The "well, duh" aspect of Carnegie's "rules" is the very same trait that allows us to breeze right on past them in our daily life. **
Because every single one of these "rules" is a statement that we all assume to be an innate and universally understood fact of human life, they are never actually in the forefront of our minds. This means that they become almost immediately forgettable because we already understand them to be true - and therefore we assume that they already inform our behavior; but in reality, we have simply acknowledged them as truth and stuffed them into a tiny little corner of our memory.
Reading Carnegie's book shines a spotlight onto that corner, blows the mounds of dust off these ideas, and prompts us to compare our recent behaviors against these "known" truths.
This is the reason why I have read Carnegie's book so many times. For me, it almost feels like re-orienting your personal compass. No matter how many times I pull these rules to the forefront of my consciousness, because of their nature as such obvious truths, they always subtly begin to slip back into the recesses of my mind. I like to pull out this book every so often and give my brain a nice jolt. There is no need to even sit down and read the entire book at once, it is organized as a list that is already categorized into sections relative to specific sub-tasks involved in interpersonal communication.
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is one of Warren Buffett’s favorite books, so if you’re a working professional that’s probably enough to pique your interest. It was originally written in 1937 and draws key wisdom from the lives of Abraham Lincoln and contemporary psychology of the time, namely the works of Sigmund Freud. Despite this, the information remains relevant - which I find to be quite a feat. Many of the statements Carnegie makes are actually reminiscent of Skinner’s operant conditioning, although I don’t believe he ever outright states this.
To give a brief summary, the book is broken into segments titled: “techniques in handling people”, “ways to make people like you”, “win people to your way of thinking”, and “be a leader: how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment”. Each of these segments includes chapters that explain the subsequent “rules” and provide interesting examples. Again, I would like to point out that this is not a book for people looking to make friends; despite one of some of the segment titles, such as: “ways to make people like you”, it does not preach methods of fostering friendships - instead this particular segment is pertinent to leadership because of Carnegie’s statement earlier on that: people will never do anything unless they actually *want* to do so. This is a truth of life; you can use your position of power to compel (force) a person into completing a task, but unless you create an actual want or desire within that person, they will cease their actions as soon as that power is removed (or you turn your back). Thus, the segment about making people like you provides rules that are geared toward earning your worker’s trust and respect so that they actually want to work for you, vice using your position of power to essentially strong-arm them into doing your bidding.
Here are the segments and rules:
Techniques in Handling People:
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Six Ways to Make People Like You:
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Win People to Your Way of Thinking:
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “you’re wrong”.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment:
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Again, this all seems like common sense when you read it, but in practice it does become much more difficult to stick to - especially when you personally are put-off (or simply just dislike) one or some of the people that you work with on a daily basis. It’s also difficult to remember that you are not always the person in the position of power; often you are on the other end of these situations and must give up the controlling position in the conversation - let them lead.
It’s key to keep in mind (and Carnegie reiterates this) that no matter what situation you walk into, whether you are the person who is leading the change, or whether you are the person who needs to undergo change, the person with whom you are conversing ALWAYS believes that they are superior to you in some way. It does not matter how exceptional or horrible their work performance may be, they truly and sincerely believe that they are the superior person even if they do not state this, and even if they pander to you as if you are someone they look up to.
Carnegie also emphasizes how important it is to avoid arguments. He states that even if you “win” an argument you are still the loser. The results are all negative. You never want to humiliate a person, you will loose the trust and respect that you’ve worked to build. He quotes and old saying “A man convinced against his will/Is of the same opinion still”; meaning they may relent in the moment, but in actuality you may have solidified their original opinion by putting them in a position to defend it. Its quite difficult to avoid arguments because it’s human nature to meet aggression with aggression - we have to consciously make the choice to sit back and let a person release their ill-will without meeting them there. Take that verbal beating!
The biggest point I always get from reading this book is how paramount and fragile the human ego is. It’s the driving factor behind the opinions and actions of every human on earth. At the end of the way, everyone is concerned with themselves. There are no truly selfless acts, someone is always “getting something” (fulfilling some need) from their actions, even if it is simply a feeling of importance or happiness. Every single person on earth is starved for attention and/or recognition in some way. They want to be seen, no matter if they are willing to admit this to others (or even to themselves). If you can fulfill that need for them, you’ve got them. It is so key to simply make it known that “I see you”.
Anyway, I know this is a long and winding review, but my points are thus: if you are looking for a self-help book that will provide teachings on how to make friends, this is not for you. If you are a working professional who is, or may be placed into, a position of leadership - this book is definitely for you. Even if you do not think you need any advice (because you’ve obviously already the best!), this book is priceless. It not only provides you insight into your own actions, but gives you a window into the actions and choices of those you work with/for. As stated, we are not always the main player in a situation, sometimes we are the person that this book talks about dealing with. Sitting back and letting the other person take charge (while understanding where they are coming from) also makes us better workers. Everyone is both a subordinate and a leader; everyone has someone else they answer to. A full birds-eye view of the situation can only provide us with more tools for our toolbox!
My father handed this book to me when I was a young adult and I was about to make the leap into the working world. He told me that it held the keys to effective leadership. I bucked against reading it for a while before finally relenting (I was a precocious teenager and obviously already knew everything the world had to offer), and again, the title of the book seriously repelled me. Since initially relenting, I have now read this book multiple times throughout the years, and it never fails to pull me back into reality.
From time to time I even find myself subconsciously summarizing Carnegie while hosting leadership training or while mentoring my workers. This almost always prompts me to pick the book back up again. (I really enjoy reading through all of the notes I've scribbled in the margins over the years. It's always an interesting dive into your own subconscious through the ability to see such a time capsule: what is basically a time-stamped example of opinions and the ever-changing priorities of your own ideals. That is neither here nor there though; my love for actual physical books as well as my preference for writing my responses and opinions all over the pages is not really relevant to this review. Just a tangent.)
What I find so intriguing about Carnegie's concepts are that they are so obviously all just common sense. There are absolutely *zero* revelations here. You will learn nothing new about interpersonal relationships, leadership, or mentorship; every new chapter that you embark on is so 'in-your-face' obvious that you almost want to smack your own forehead like an over-dramatic soap opera star; stating "OF COURSE".
Despite this fact; (I personally feel) it really is important to read all of these *truths* of life... ironically enough, exactly because they are such common sense statements:
** The "well, duh" aspect of Carnegie's "rules" is the very same trait that allows us to breeze right on past them in our daily life. **
Because every single one of these "rules" is a statement that we all assume to be an innate and universally understood fact of human life, they are never actually in the forefront of our minds. This means that they become almost immediately forgettable because we already understand them to be true - and therefore we assume that they already inform our behavior; but in reality, we have simply acknowledged them as truth and stuffed them into a tiny little corner of our memory.
Reading Carnegie's book shines a spotlight onto that corner, blows the mounds of dust off these ideas, and prompts us to compare our recent behaviors against these "known" truths.
This is the reason why I have read Carnegie's book so many times. For me, it almost feels like re-orienting your personal compass. No matter how many times I pull these rules to the forefront of my consciousness, because of their nature as such obvious truths, they always subtly begin to slip back into the recesses of my mind. I like to pull out this book every so often and give my brain a nice jolt. There is no need to even sit down and read the entire book at once, it is organized as a list that is already categorized into sections relative to specific sub-tasks involved in interpersonal communication.
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is one of Warren Buffett’s favorite books, so if you’re a working professional that’s probably enough to pique your interest. It was originally written in 1937 and draws key wisdom from the lives of Abraham Lincoln and contemporary psychology of the time, namely the works of Sigmund Freud. Despite this, the information remains relevant - which I find to be quite a feat. Many of the statements Carnegie makes are actually reminiscent of Skinner’s operant conditioning, although I don’t believe he ever outright states this.
To give a brief summary, the book is broken into segments titled: “techniques in handling people”, “ways to make people like you”, “win people to your way of thinking”, and “be a leader: how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment”. Each of these segments includes chapters that explain the subsequent “rules” and provide interesting examples. Again, I would like to point out that this is not a book for people looking to make friends; despite one of some of the segment titles, such as: “ways to make people like you”, it does not preach methods of fostering friendships - instead this particular segment is pertinent to leadership because of Carnegie’s statement earlier on that: people will never do anything unless they actually *want* to do so. This is a truth of life; you can use your position of power to compel (force) a person into completing a task, but unless you create an actual want or desire within that person, they will cease their actions as soon as that power is removed (or you turn your back). Thus, the segment about making people like you provides rules that are geared toward earning your worker’s trust and respect so that they actually want to work for you, vice using your position of power to essentially strong-arm them into doing your bidding.
Here are the segments and rules:
Techniques in Handling People:
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Six Ways to Make People Like You:
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Win People to Your Way of Thinking:
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “you’re wrong”.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment:
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Again, this all seems like common sense when you read it, but in practice it does become much more difficult to stick to - especially when you personally are put-off (or simply just dislike) one or some of the people that you work with on a daily basis. It’s also difficult to remember that you are not always the person in the position of power; often you are on the other end of these situations and must give up the controlling position in the conversation - let them lead.
It’s key to keep in mind (and Carnegie reiterates this) that no matter what situation you walk into, whether you are the person who is leading the change, or whether you are the person who needs to undergo change, the person with whom you are conversing ALWAYS believes that they are superior to you in some way. It does not matter how exceptional or horrible their work performance may be, they truly and sincerely believe that they are the superior person even if they do not state this, and even if they pander to you as if you are someone they look up to.
Carnegie also emphasizes how important it is to avoid arguments. He states that even if you “win” an argument you are still the loser. The results are all negative. You never want to humiliate a person, you will loose the trust and respect that you’ve worked to build. He quotes and old saying “A man convinced against his will/Is of the same opinion still”; meaning they may relent in the moment, but in actuality you may have solidified their original opinion by putting them in a position to defend it. Its quite difficult to avoid arguments because it’s human nature to meet aggression with aggression - we have to consciously make the choice to sit back and let a person release their ill-will without meeting them there. Take that verbal beating!
The biggest point I always get from reading this book is how paramount and fragile the human ego is. It’s the driving factor behind the opinions and actions of every human on earth. At the end of the way, everyone is concerned with themselves. There are no truly selfless acts, someone is always “getting something” (fulfilling some need) from their actions, even if it is simply a feeling of importance or happiness. Every single person on earth is starved for attention and/or recognition in some way. They want to be seen, no matter if they are willing to admit this to others (or even to themselves). If you can fulfill that need for them, you’ve got them. It is so key to simply make it known that “I see you”.
Anyway, I know this is a long and winding review, but my points are thus: if you are looking for a self-help book that will provide teachings on how to make friends, this is not for you. If you are a working professional who is, or may be placed into, a position of leadership - this book is definitely for you. Even if you do not think you need any advice (because you’ve obviously already the best!), this book is priceless. It not only provides you insight into your own actions, but gives you a window into the actions and choices of those you work with/for. As stated, we are not always the main player in a situation, sometimes we are the person that this book talks about dealing with. Sitting back and letting the other person take charge (while understanding where they are coming from) also makes us better workers. Everyone is both a subordinate and a leader; everyone has someone else they answer to. A full birds-eye view of the situation can only provide us with more tools for our toolbox!
ByIan Mannon April 11, 2017
Dale Carnegie could be credited (or blamed depending on your perspective) for the glut of motivational books that have been published since 1936. How to Win Friends and Influence People was released that year and was rated by Time magazine in 2011 as one of their top one hundred books of all time.
The sagacious investor, Warren Buffett, has only one diploma hanging in his office, his certificate of Dale Carnegie training.
The version I am reviewing here follows the format of the original 1936 edition, but does more than simply use twenty-first century examples; it adapts the time-honoured principles to the age of the social megaphone. If there ever was a time when Carnegie’s principles need to be taken seriously, it must certainly be now.
The first principle, “If you want honey, don’t kick over the hive,” has been retitled “Bury your boomerangs.” The boomerangs are the things you say and write that when aimed at others, spin back and hit you. An article from the Huffington Post quoted in the book describes thirteen Facebook posts that got their authors dismissed from their jobs. Googling “dismissed from my job because of Facebook” yields fourty-six million more. In 1936 an unwarranted letter might have been seen by the recipient and a few others, all of whom might be appeased, today try retracting what you tweeted or said in front of a TV microphone you believed was off.
Carnegie counselled: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Most people can distinguish between what is nothing more than flattery and what is an affirmation. Flattery is telling the person what they want to hear, affirmation requires more thought, requires seeing the person well enough to sense what to affirm. For that reason affirmation can have the life-changing impact that flattery never has. This is Carnegie’s second essential principle of engagement, “Affirm What’s Good.”
In the section on making a lasting, positive impression on others, Carnegie opens with the call to “take an interest in other’s interest.” Quoting a piece of research conducted by the New York Telephone Company in the 1930’s the most frequently used word in conversations was the personal pronoun “I.” The significance of self-interest has not and is unlikely to change.
The former editor of the New Republic and political blogger, Andrew Sullivan, invited readers to submit shots of the world just outside their homes. This interest in other’s interest went on to become the centrepiece for the Atlantic Monthly’s online strategy, and enhanced his personal following. People are attracted to people who care about what interests them.
Carnegie placed great store on the value to relationship of smiling. The research finding of Christakis and Fowler confirms that people who smile tend to have more friends with smiling getting you an average of one more close friend. This is not trivial as people only have about six close friends.
With much of our communication mediated through digital technologies, smiling takes on a new challenge: How to express warmth over the phone, sms, e-mail or twitter? This is only a challenge not an impossibility with the assistance of emoticons (the little faces) for informal settings and the use of the recipient’s name in the text wherever possible for formal ones.
When the lead singer of a little-known band had his guitar smashed by careless baggage handlers on a United Airlines flight he sought redress from the airline for a year with no result. No one listened or showed any concern for his situation. In frustration he wrote a song describing his experience, videoed it with friends and posted it on the Internet. Within two weeks it had attracted 4.1 million views and the Times of London reported that the video had precipitated a $180 million drop in United’s share price. Not listening to customers is always expensive, but not listening to friends, colleagues and family is no less damaging. The converse is similarly true; listening is a very engaging social force.
Carnegie sites avoiding arguments as a key ingredient in meriting and maintaining other’s trust. I do not know of anyone who put this better than the humourist, Dave Barry: “I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”
There is probably nothing in this book of interpersonal insights that you do not know, so you will learn nothing new. What makes this worth a quick read on your next flight is that it will remind you of what you already know and in the reminder lies the value.
Readability Light +--- Serious
Insights High ---+- Low
Practical High --+-- Low
Ian Mann of Gateways consults internationally on leadership and strategy
The sagacious investor, Warren Buffett, has only one diploma hanging in his office, his certificate of Dale Carnegie training.
The version I am reviewing here follows the format of the original 1936 edition, but does more than simply use twenty-first century examples; it adapts the time-honoured principles to the age of the social megaphone. If there ever was a time when Carnegie’s principles need to be taken seriously, it must certainly be now.
The first principle, “If you want honey, don’t kick over the hive,” has been retitled “Bury your boomerangs.” The boomerangs are the things you say and write that when aimed at others, spin back and hit you. An article from the Huffington Post quoted in the book describes thirteen Facebook posts that got their authors dismissed from their jobs. Googling “dismissed from my job because of Facebook” yields fourty-six million more. In 1936 an unwarranted letter might have been seen by the recipient and a few others, all of whom might be appeased, today try retracting what you tweeted or said in front of a TV microphone you believed was off.
Carnegie counselled: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Most people can distinguish between what is nothing more than flattery and what is an affirmation. Flattery is telling the person what they want to hear, affirmation requires more thought, requires seeing the person well enough to sense what to affirm. For that reason affirmation can have the life-changing impact that flattery never has. This is Carnegie’s second essential principle of engagement, “Affirm What’s Good.”
In the section on making a lasting, positive impression on others, Carnegie opens with the call to “take an interest in other’s interest.” Quoting a piece of research conducted by the New York Telephone Company in the 1930’s the most frequently used word in conversations was the personal pronoun “I.” The significance of self-interest has not and is unlikely to change.
The former editor of the New Republic and political blogger, Andrew Sullivan, invited readers to submit shots of the world just outside their homes. This interest in other’s interest went on to become the centrepiece for the Atlantic Monthly’s online strategy, and enhanced his personal following. People are attracted to people who care about what interests them.
Carnegie placed great store on the value to relationship of smiling. The research finding of Christakis and Fowler confirms that people who smile tend to have more friends with smiling getting you an average of one more close friend. This is not trivial as people only have about six close friends.
With much of our communication mediated through digital technologies, smiling takes on a new challenge: How to express warmth over the phone, sms, e-mail or twitter? This is only a challenge not an impossibility with the assistance of emoticons (the little faces) for informal settings and the use of the recipient’s name in the text wherever possible for formal ones.
When the lead singer of a little-known band had his guitar smashed by careless baggage handlers on a United Airlines flight he sought redress from the airline for a year with no result. No one listened or showed any concern for his situation. In frustration he wrote a song describing his experience, videoed it with friends and posted it on the Internet. Within two weeks it had attracted 4.1 million views and the Times of London reported that the video had precipitated a $180 million drop in United’s share price. Not listening to customers is always expensive, but not listening to friends, colleagues and family is no less damaging. The converse is similarly true; listening is a very engaging social force.
Carnegie sites avoiding arguments as a key ingredient in meriting and maintaining other’s trust. I do not know of anyone who put this better than the humourist, Dave Barry: “I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”
There is probably nothing in this book of interpersonal insights that you do not know, so you will learn nothing new. What makes this worth a quick read on your next flight is that it will remind you of what you already know and in the reminder lies the value.
Readability Light +--- Serious
Insights High ---+- Low
Practical High --+-- Low
Ian Mann of Gateways consults internationally on leadership and strategy
Byjgastonon May 14, 2016
I love this new twist on the great advice given in this book. In spite of the advances in technology and perhaps because of advances in technology, this book is a treasure. It amplifies the advice your mom told you with engaging stories that illustrate each concept. The bottom line; you can't fake being a authentic person who expresses interest in others. Treat others as you would like to be treated and that will go along way toward achieving everything you want as well!
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