Top positive review
Imagine if you will, that you’re standing on a covered porch on a warm Autumnal evening....
Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2018
...You’ve just returned from doing Your Business and you feel fresh and clean and somehow lighter. Not too far away is a beautiful golden wind-swept wheat field that is dancing in the warmth of a glorious scarlet sunset. It could be your imagination, but it seems to call to you – to welcome you. You willingly oblige.
With very little effort, you seem to float off your porch and before too long, you find yourself in the middle of this beautiful field - instantly feeling surrounded by love. Butterflies are frolicking, and a lazy bird circles overhead looking for a place to settle in for the evening. The setting sun feels so nice on your face and you take a moment to take it all in.
Just then, you feel the urge to run through the field – to feel the wheat brush up against your body. As your body gains momentum, the wheat seemingly and instinctively parts way for you as if guiding you somewhere wonderful and magical. Your effortless slow-motion stride continues until an intrusive thought pops into your otherwise calm mind: “Did I take my allergy medicine?” Yes, you realize, and just then you come to a comfortable floating stop. You find yourself high atop a bluff overlooking a majestic ocean.
Looking to your left and see a lazy staircase that leads you to the beach below and before you know it, you find your feet sinking into the warm sand of the beach. You take all this in – the warmth of the sun, the sound of the ocean, the smell of the mist and with a barely audible song, you notice that same bird in the sky – flying on a pillow of air. Your eyes follow this bird for a while, but eventually give way to scanning the horizon over the ocean. You spot a playful pod of dolphins in the distance and look down to notice that your feet are being softly kissed by the warm ocean water.
A light scent of burning wood draws your attention over your left shoulder as your eyes fall on to what seems to be a small bonfire up on a dune. You turn and face this inviting spectacle and decide to draw closer and explore the amber glow. As you approach, your senses turn to the soft crackling of the growing fire – the scent instantly brings you back to your childhood. Closing your eyes, you pause to feel the heat of the fire on your face while simultaneously feeling the warmth of the sunset on the back of your neck. You could stay here forever.
You slowly open your eyes only to spot a figure on the other side of the flames. You try to squint to see who it is but can’t seem to get a clear image. As you round the fire and you draw closer to the figure, your body is drenched with a wave of emotion as you realize that somehow – some way – the figure you spot is your long-lost lover.
This tsunami of emotion propels you closer to your lover – the lost days, nights, years all seem to melt away as you fall into each other’s arms – becoming one again. The instantaneous passion, comfort, and feeling of joy and security overwhelms all of your senses and you feel more alive than you ever have. Somehow, unconsciously and with extraordinary speed, you find yourselves collapsed and naked on an oversized blanket that is impossibly soft and inviting.
Without words, your lovemaking begins. Your senses explode with almost as much passion and force as a thousand nuclear explosions. The smell of the fire, the light mist in the air. The glow of the fire and the remains of a beautiful scarlet sunset. The sand beneath the blanket makes way and forms into a comfortable cradle under the weight of two long lost lovers. As if impossible, your euphoric ecstasy is multiplied even more when your lover descends into your nether regions, hands firmly placed on your hips. Your breath quickens. Your heart races. Your head is thrown back by some primal and instinctual force and nothing else matters in this moment. It feels so…
“Um, you missed a spot.”, your lover says as they surface.
“What? What do you mean?”
“Well, uh, you know. You sorta MISSED a spot.”, the look is clear across their face. The expression is unmistakable.
Just then, you realize what that means. Suddenly, your heart feels like it has fallen from your chest, through your back and into the sand beneath you. “How?” you ask yourself over and over and over in your head. The quilting, the ridges, the aloe vera lotion… How could my ultra-plush multi-ply toilet paper have missed a spot? All the wiping. All the wiping!!! For the love of God, all the wiping!!!!!!
The world comes crashing down around you. Your lover has retreated in disgust, the bonfire has sent a spark to the wheat field igniting a blaze that burns down hundreds of thousands of acres of wheat crop nearly instantaneously. The pod of dolphin drowns and that annoying bird falls out of the sky only to be eaten by a shark so large it defies reality. Somehow, in your nakedness, you make it up to your knees with your arms stretched up to the sky. “Why? Whyyyyy?”, you scream. But instead of an explication by some omnipotent God, the sky opens up to reveal a torrential downpour, lightning strikes your retreating lover, the bonfire extinguishes (It’s too late for the wheat field…), and you find yourself cold, and in the dark, with an army of giant hungry mutant crabs closing in on you. Your screaming could be heard from miles away – if there were anyone there to hear it.
Two points: First of all, the only good that came out of this story is that thanks to the fire, the world was rid of a bunch of horrible gluten. Secondly, there would have been an entirely different ending if you had just used the Brondell Swash 1400 Luxury Bidet Toilet Seat!
Seriously, folks, using toilet paper after doing Your Business is like trying to get chunky peanut butter out of shag carpet with ripped sandpaper. You just aren’t going to get it all. There is bound to be leftovers that go unnoticed and this is just not a Good Thing.
Buying this seat has changed my life. As a parent of two young children, I have spent the better part of 6 years wiping someone else’s butt. Now I’m happy to have this amazing invention take care of mine for me! The heated seat, the gentle warm mist, the finishing warm air-dry – it takes you away to a world that is reminiscent of the story above. Minus, of course, the carnage at the end!
Installation took less time than it took me to write this review, and while the Swash 1400 won’t help you find your long-lost lover, it may just help you to keep them around a little longer once you do!
** No birds or dolphins were harmed in the writing of this story which may, or may have not, been based on actual events! **