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Customer Review

18,229 of 19,134 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Bestseller? Really???, March 25, 2012
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades, Book 1) (Kindle Edition)
I enjoy erotica and heard so much about this book that I had to give it a shot, but I'm five chapters in and just can't take it anymore. This has to be the most appallingly atrocious writing I've ever seen in a major release. The pseudonymous British author sets the action (such as it is) in Washington State... for no reason than that her knowledge of America apparently consists of what she read in "Twilight"... but the entire first-person narrative is filled with Britishisms. How many American college students do you know who talk about "prams," "ringing" someone on the phone, or choosing a "smart rucksack" to take "on holiday"? And the author's geography sounds like she put together a jigsaw puzzle of the Pacific Northwest while drunk and ended up with several pieces in the wrong place.

And oh, the repetition...and the repetition...and the repetition. I'm convinced the author has a computer macro that she hits to insert one of her limited repertoire of facial expressions whenever she needs one. According to my Kindle search function, characters roll their eyes 41 times, Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian's lips "quirk up" 16 times, Christian "cocks his head to one side" 17 times, characters "purse" their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times. Add to that 80 references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious" (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana's "inner goddess," and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to "holy crap," "double crap," or the ultimate "triple crap"). And this is only part one of a trilogy...

If I wrote like that, I'd use a pseudonym too.

Like some other reviewers, what I find terribly depressing is that this is a runaway bestseller and the movie rights are expected to sell for up to $5 million. There are so many highly talented writers in the genre... and erotica is so much more erotic when the author has a command of the language and can make you care about the characters. For examples, check out the "Beauty" trilogy written by Anne Rice under the pen name A.N. Roquelaure, or any stories by Donna George Storey or Rachel Kramer Bussel. Just stay away from this triple crap.

*UPDATE*: Thanks to the many other perturbed readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following up on their suggestions with my ever-useful Kindle search function, I have discovered that Ana says "Jeez" 81 times and "oh my" 72 times. She "blushes" or "flushes" 125 times, including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red." (I can't even imagine.) Ana "peeks up" at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian's "hooded eyes," 7 to his "long index finger," and 25 to how "hot" he is (including four recurrences of the epic declarative sentence "He's so freaking hot."). Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line" 10 times. Characters "murmur" 199 times, "mutter" 49 times, and "whisper" 195 times (doesn't anyone just talk?), "clamber" on/in/out of things 21 times, and "smirk" 34 times. Christian and Ana also "gasp" 46 times and experience 18 "breath hitches," suggesting a need for prompt intervention by paramedics. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 "grins" and 124 "frowns"... which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences "intense," "body-shattering," "delicious," "violent," "all-consuming," "turbulent," "agonizing" and "exhausting" orgasms on just about every page.
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Showing 1411-1420 of 1000 posts in this discussion
Posted on Dec 26, 2012, 6:33:30 PM PST
Traveller says:
I love you. I am now going to have to learn all my Kindle functions so that I may also count and amuse myself in future. Thanks so much for this. It was incredibly entertaining.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 26, 2012, 6:41:13 PM PST
miss B says:
We have made friends on this thread wih our shared hatred of drivel called literature. Go away and quit harshing our hate!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 26, 2012, 7:36:44 PM PST
miss b, I got a kindle fire for Xmas, and your book is my first DL...cannot wait to finish.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 26, 2012, 8:06:05 PM PST
miss B says:
Oh my gosh! What a sweet honor that is! Thank you. And congrats on your kindle fire!!!! Anxious to hear your synopsis. I hope to finish my second book and fifth publication (I'm a contributing author to three others.) it's called Property Of.. My first fiction! Hope you had a merry christmas.. I would tell you about my new ginormous purple coach bag but that guy who got md cuz i drink starbucks may show up again. Isn't it funny how many people try to make smart remarks but don't have sense enough to understand 'word count' on devices? That's been around since word processors.

Posted on Dec 27, 2012, 2:06:29 PM PST
J. Bak says:
Best review EVER!!!!

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 27, 2012, 2:14:56 PM PST
miss B says:
Travelers novella is hilarious! Y'all HAVE to read her!!!!

Posted on Dec 28, 2012, 12:16:41 PM PST
slicvick says:
I couldn't agree with you more! Very poorly written. Don't forget the 25 instances of squirming! No one in this book can sit still.

Posted on Dec 28, 2012, 12:16:42 PM PST
slicvick says:
I couldn't agree with you more! Very poorly written. Don't forget the 25 instances of squirming! No one in this book can sit still.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 28, 2012, 12:44:32 PM PST
Oh please, do tell...that idiot has not been here in months. I have to live vicariously through other handbag junkies. :-)

I had a great Christmas, and sounds like you were on the "Nice" list!

Posted on Dec 29, 2012, 7:16:07 PM PST
spot50 says:
you are 1000% correct - I cannot figure out why in the hell this book is so popular. I would rather have a root canal than read the other 2 books in the trilogy. It reads like an 18-yr old virgin wrote it and a 12-year old edited it.